


I Wept Not

by ArcadianMaggie



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: AU, Angst, Character Death, M/M, Novel, Rating: NC17, Romance, Slash, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2017-11-06 23:56:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 168,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/424618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcadianMaggie/pseuds/ArcadianMaggie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jasper is a war weary soldier burdened by the weight of eternity. Edward is an uncomplicated high school student content to hide his sexuality. Together can Jasper find something to live for and Edward discover some things are worth dying for?. AU, slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my wonderful friend and beta, otta_ff, for all her time, support, encouragement, assistance, and general awesomeness. Thank you to black.orchid78 for my gorgeous banner. Slash award banner by Touchstone. The Vampies awards banners by ms_ambrosia.
> 
> Originally posted on [FFn](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5683212/1/I_Wept_Not) from 1/20/2010 to 1/23/2011 (complete). Visit the [Master Post](http://arcadianmaggie.livejournal.com/11302.html) on LJ for links to reviews, awards, etc. Blog with full texts of title poems can be found [here](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/).

  


  


  


  


**"I wept not, so to stone within I grew."**

_\- Dante Alighieri, "Inferno," cto. 33, l. 49_

* * *

**Prologue**

JPOV

The day had finally arrived; I was going to spend my first day as a Senior at Forks High School. I understood why this was important to the Cullens. The younger we could start school in a given location, the longer we could stay. I had watched Alice, Rosalie and Emmett attend schools numerous times as we had moved around over the years. It was problematic to explain my lack of participation or to hide my existence for so long. This would make things easier on everyone in the long run.

The story was that I had joined the Cullens last year as their foster child, even though I had been living secretly with them through the others' last few years of school. I knew from Alice what to expect. She had spoken to me so much about her day to day life in high school that I practically felt like I attended already. She was in her element in this role-a cheerleader who was dating a popular football player. Not only that but she had Bella, her first true girlfriend. They were practically inseparable. I didn't really understand her affection for this human girl, but she brought Alice such happiness that I was grateful to her.

Alice and I pulled into the parking lot at the school. She had dressed me in jeans, a concert T-shirt, a black leather jacket and cowboy boots. I deferred all matters of wardrobe to Alice. It didn't matter to me what I wore, although I appreciated the boots.

As we entered the building, I could feel the curiosity emanating from the other students. In a town this small, I was clearly the main topic of conversation today. It was rare for the school to get a new student, and that I was living with the Cullens, whom most seemed to regard with a combination of respect, envy, and admiration, made me even more intriguing. I tried to ignore them and focused on getting through the day without killing anyone.

Alice helped me find my first class. I had Physics and she was heading to a Prep hour. She walked me to the door of the classroom then squeezed my hand in hers. "You'll be fine, Jasper," she assured me. "I'll see you next period."

I nodded.

"Oh look! There's Bellla!" She waved at the girl in the room.

Bella smiled and waved me over, indicating the seat next to hers.

"You'll be fine," Alice repeated then waved a goodbye to Bella before flitting down the hall towards her own classroom.

I took a deep breath then entered the room, starting my official new life as a high school student.

The first hour wasn't bad. The material was easy enough for a vampire with an impeccable memory. The smell of humans was tolerable. The most uncomfortable part of the hour was dealing with the emotions coming from the other students. Teenagers seemed to be more emotionally volatile than most other humans I had been in contact with. I felt fear, nervousness, jealousy, lust, excitement, insecurity and so much more. It was tempting to blanket the room with calm just to give myself a break from it. This would definitely take some getting used to.

When the period was over, Bella offered to walk with me to our next class. She and Alice were both in Advanced English, as was I. I smiled at Alice when we entered the room and she indicated the seats next to her which she had claimed with books and her jacket.

I sat down to her left and let her know the first hour went well. She turned to Bella and they leaned their heads down and started chatting away in quiet voices. I felt a quick flash of emotion from Bella and turned to look at her, watching as her face lost focus on the conversation and her eyes darted to the door.

I turned to see what she was looking at and saw a boy entering the room. He was tall and lean with broad shoulders. He smiled, greeting a blonde haired boy and took the seat next to him, his long legs sprawling in front of him. I was vaguely aware of the teacher entering the room and speaking to the class, but I barely noticed; I couldn't take my eyes off the boy.

His skin was pale, with the slightest blush on his cheeks, like the petals of a magnolia blossom. His hair was in disarray, as if he had just run his fingers through it. The color reminded me of the velvety underside of the magnolia leaf, a rich reddish brown. I wondered if it was as soft as it looked. I was mesmerized as his long slender fingers reached up and moved through it. I could almost feel the silky strands under my own hands. Then as if he could sense me staring at him, his eyes looked up and locked onto mine. I froze. They were a beautiful deep green, like the waxy broad leaves of the magnolia tree. He was beautiful.

As we stared at each other, unable to look away, I was filled with a rush of emotions. I was transported to a wide porch on a sunny day, a tall tree towering nearby, soft fingers in my hair, a cool breeze caressing my face. He reminded me of a time long, long ago, before war had wearied me and death had robbed me of any contentment. He brought me back to a time when two boys laughed by the river, their hearts filled with the joy of a summer afternoon. He reminded me of something, this beautiful boy, with his magnolia skin and velvet hair, and eyes as green as living things. I stared silently at him, held hostage by his arresting gaze, trying to puzzle it out. And then I realized what it was.

Out of the corner of my eye I felt a shock of surprise from Alice and saw her head whip up and turn toward me, eyes wide.

He reminded me of home.


	2. Chapter 1 - With the Setting Sun

**"from Morn To Noon he fell, from Noon to dewy Eve,  
A Summers day; and with the setting Sun   
Dropt from the Zenith like a falling Star."**

_\- John Milton, "Paradise Lost," bk. I, l. 742-745_

* * *

**Chapter 1 – With the Setting Sun**

 

JPOV

I lay naked and spent in Maria's tent, a tangle of legs and arms surrounding me, entangling me, a cage of flesh and stone. I was tired. Tired of feeling, of fighting, of passion. Of hate. And love, if you could call this love. No, I would not call this love.

I closed my eyes pretending to sleep, wishing I was not pretending. I would love to sink into oblivion and lose myself in nothingness. Let the world fade from my thoughts and retreat into stillness. How ironic that I, who dreamed of war as a boy, who had done little but fight for over two decades, was now resting on the outskirts of a battlefield after celebrating victory, longing for peace. Longing for quiet. Longing for solitude.

Distant memories fluttered on the edges of my consciousness. A covered porch on a summer day, magnolia blossoms out a window, a gentle hand running through my curls, a soft smile, kind eyes. Maybe I was dreaming. I tried to hold onto the images, but they drifted away like smoke through grasping fingers.

As much as I tried, I could not block out the world around me. I could hear the soldiers' revelry, feel their euphoria. I could smell the sickly sweet scent of the fires as they transformed the last of our enemies into piles of ash; I could taste death on my tongue.

My eyes slowly opened and I pushed my yearnings aside. Tranquility was not likely in the midst of war. I turned my head to face the companion to my left. Soft lips leaned into mine and a tongue languidly caressed my own. Long limbs twisted around my calves and I felt strong arms pulling me closer into the hard planes of his chest. "Where did you go, Jasper?" Peter whispered.

"I'm right here," I answered softly, shifting so that he was on his back and I was covering his body with my own. I dipped my face down to kiss him again, slowly and sensuously, our tongues sliding against each other and our breaths mingling. My hands reached out to cup his face, stroking his jaw and tilting his head back so that I could kiss him more deeply. I felt his quiet moan against my lips.

As my mouth trailed over his skin, down his neck, licking and biting, I heard the rustling of movement as Maria untangled herself from us. I looked up to see her sitting beside us, leaning back on one arm, her knees bent and her legs open, her other hand moving over her breast, gently squeezing her nipple between her middle and ring finger before continuing down her body, over her stomach and between her legs. Her dark hair was wild around her shoulders and her eyes darkened as she took in our naked forms. I felt the waves of lust pouring off her and thrust my hips against Peter below me, feeling the hardness of his cock pressed against mine.

He moaned again, hips bucking upwards, his hands wrapping around my waist and sliding up to my shoulders, pulling me closer. Another wave of lust ran through me, the atmosphere in the tent charged. Peter brought his legs to either side of mine and bent them at the knees so that I settled between them, my hard length sliding between his cheeks. His hands smoothed down my back, over my hips, across my buttocks, down to my thighs. He slowly slid them back up to the curve of my ass, fingers digging into my skin as he again lifted his hips towards me. "Take me," he commanded in a voice ragged with need.

I caught his groan with my lips as I slowly slid into him. Beside me, I heard Maria's murmurs of approval as she watched us intently, continuing to stroke herself. As I pulled out, then slowly pushed back into him, I saw Maria mirroring my actions with her fingers. Peter's head was back with his eyes closed, lost in the sensations of our bodies joined together. When Maria saw my eyes trained on her, she smiled a bit and brought her hand from out between her legs and took her fingers in her mouth, cheeks hollowing as she sucked on them. Then she rose to her knees and leaned towards us, bringing her fingers to my lips.

I wrapped my tongue around them tasting her essence and was nearly overcome by the powerful feelings radiating from her. I released her fingers and lowered my head to gently scrape Peter's neck with my teeth as his chest arched upward with my thrusts. His breathing was heavy, his cock rock hard between our stomachs. His hands had moved from my body to his sides and now clenched the blanket below us.

I pushed everything from my mind but the feelings pulsing through me – Peter's pleasure, Maria's desire, my own ecstasy. I lifted my head from Peter's neck to watch Maria again. She had returned to her previous position, legs open, fingers buried deep between her thighs, her thumb rubbing over her clitoris. Her mouth was slightly open and her tongue peeked out to moisten her lips. Her eyes never left mine.

I took the emotions with which I was being bombarded and reflected them back out in a forceful surge. Maria's head dropped back with a cry and her chest heaved as Peter thrashed below me, grunting with need. The feelings were returned to me ten fold and I was lost in the sensations, the feel of Peter wrapped tightly around my hard length, the lingering taste of Maria on my tongue, the sounds of Peter writhing below me and the sight of Maria pleasuring herself.

Nothing existed save flesh upon flesh, the tension building within me, the storm of passions buffeting us. I quickened my pace and felt Peter's legs wrap around my waist, his heels driving my body harder into his. I pounded into him, relishing the feel of my cock encased in his satiny grip.

Maria's cries were coming faster and I could feel Peter tensing below me. He cried out as I felt his cock pulsing between us, his release coating our stomachs. As his muscles tightened around me, I could feel my own release approaching. I thrust three more times, deep and hard, stiffening as my own orgasm overtook me. I shouted out in pleasure, vaguely registering Maria's own keening cries, as I came deep in Peter's embrace.

After a moment, I rolled off of Peter and onto my back, closing my eyes. I felt Maria crawl over and settle next to me on the other side, her head against my shoulder. My fingers reached up to loosely run through her hair. They tangled in her dark tresses like an unsuspecting insect caught in a spider's web. She hummed in satisfaction. "My beautiful boys," she crooned softly. We lay that way for several moments, enjoying the lingering feelings of gratification that still resonated in the tent. I knew they would be over all too soon.

Peter finally stirred. "We should go check on the soldiers," he said, rising and pulling on his pants.

I nodded in assent, leaning to kiss Maria on the top of her head before grasping the hand Peter reached out to help pull me to my feet. When I was standing, I brought my hand to the back of his neck, pulling his face towards me for one last hard kiss. He smiled softly at me before exiting the tent.

"I'll be out in a few," I called to his retreating back.

With every second that passed, the world was intruding on our pleasurable oasis. The smells and sounds of battle began infiltrating the cracks of the private fortress we had erected in this tent. It was always that way. I could lose myself in the passion we shared, but only fleetingly; it never lasted long. And it was never enough.

I stood at the doorway of the tent looking out at the camp. The fires scattered across the ground illuminated the dark oppressive smoke rising into the night sky. Occasional screams pierced the air as one of our enemies, unfortunate enough to be captured by soldiers in a playful mood, suffered a slow death rather than a quick merciful dispatch. Neither Peter nor I discouraged or tried to prevent such acts, although we both found them distasteful. It was difficult enough with these newborn soldiers to keep them from killing each other.

I wondered, not for the first time, if this might be hell. The never-ending fighting, the constant death, the unsettling screams, the acrid smells, the scorching heat, the burning fires. My heart no longer beat; I was near indestructible. A soulless demon of the night, lethal and terrifying. Was this reality to be my eternal torment – endless days of war?

Maria's small arms reached out to encircle my waist. She leaned her head against my side. "Jasper?" she asked. "What troubles you?"

"Nothing, love," I answered, although I knew she didn't believe me. Whereas before in times like these after a successful campaign I had felt pride emanating from her, I now felt concern and… distrust? It was so faint that I at first thought I imagined it, but I knew instead that Maria had just become more adept at controlling her emotions around me. After decades we knew each other well.

"I know this is hard on you," she conceded. "But it has to be this way. Once Benito set things in motion, there was no other choice. It's kill or be killed. You know this."

"I know, Maria." I sighed, still staring out into the night. "I'm just… tired."

"We'll have time to rest soon, my darling. We all but destroyed Leandro's forces this time. They weren't nearly as organized as we've seen in the past and it will be months before he'll be able to regroup. As long as Ramon doesn't move from the west, Peter should be able to handle things for a while."

"You'll feel better after you hunt," she added.

I nodded, giving her a small squeeze before turning to look for my clothes. I got dressed then set out into the night, looking for Peter.

It was true that Leandro had not been very organized this fight. He must be getting desperate. We were one of the most formidable covens in the south. Newborns were so unpredictable and hard to control, but with my ability to influence emotions combined with Peter's natural strategic and leadership skills, we were able to form a cohesive fighting unit. When not fighting, our days were spent training the soldiers and keeping them from destroying each other. It was like dealing with children, all volatile emotions, distractibility and complete lack of impulse control – children, that is, with an uncontrollable blood thirst and unparalleled strength and speed.

I walked slowly through the camp, examining the fires and scanning the ground for any remaining evidence of our enemies. I spotted Peter talking to a small group of soldiers, a female with soft brown curls, a taller male with cropped black hair and a short stocky male. He squeezed the taller male's shoulders, nodding his head in approval. I reinforced the feeling and sent a shot of pride and appreciation towards them, letting them know how well we were pleased.

To the left I heard some growling and scuffling and went to investigate. Two newborns were locked in struggle, a jangle of emotions emanating from them. I blanketed them with calm and pulled the snarling combatants apart. They glared at one another until I sent them in different directions, giving them mundane tasks to accomplish and effectively redirecting them from their grudge. I didn't know why they were fighting, nor did I care. These petty altercations were common among the newborns and were often about nothing at all – a perceived slight, a wrong look. That we were able to diffuse them with both the help of my abilities and Peter's considerable diplomacy skills was one of the reasons our forces remained strong while others' floundered.

Peter had finished making the rounds and walked over to join me. "We only lost two," he informed me. "Maria will be pleased."

"Mmm," I vocalized in acknowledgment.

He stared at me for a moment, noting my reticence. I knew he could sense my returning melancholy. "Jasper?" he stated questioningly.

"It's nothing, Peter." I told him, although as with Maria before, I could tell he knew I was lying.

I sighed. "I just need to get away from here for a little bit. Sometimes it's… too much."

He nodded, as if he understood what I meant. I wasn't even sure what I meant.

"I'm going to track Leandro for a bit," I decided. "Make sure he's really retreated and can't cause any further threat."

In reality, I knew Leandro was not an immediate threat; I really did need to get away. Away from the smoke, away from the carnage, the fighting, the heated emotions, the roiling passions. These conflicts drained me.

"Alright, Jasper. I expect we'll be starting our way back to Monterrey once we break camp." He looked at me intently, studying my face. I wondered what he saw there. After a long pause he asked hesitatingly, as if he were afraid of the answer, "You will be back, won't you?"

My eyes roamed over his face, taking in his delicate features, the wide eyes, the refined nose, the full lips with their slight curve upwards at the corners, making him look as if he were always smiling. I reached out my hand and cupped his face, running my thumb across his cheek then down across his lower lip, his beautiful lower lip.

"Yes, I will be back," I stated firmly, staring directly into his eyes.

He nodded, seemingly assured.

"After all," I added softly to myself as I turned and walked away, "Where else would I go?"

-o-

I ran. I had no direction in mind. I initially followed Leandro's trail, but I wasn't really interested in his whereabouts. We had decimated his army. Maria was right; it would be months before he could create a force large enough to be any sort of threat again. If I paused to stop and think about it, I suppose I would have recognized that I was simply running away. But I didn't stop to think. I just ran.

I hadn't even stopped to tell Maria I was leaving. I left that to Peter to explain. I didn't want to face her, didn't want to feel her calculating appraisal, her dissatisfaction, that niggling trace of distrust.

I didn't want to feel anything.

I knew she would be annoyed at my absence. While Peter was remarkable at handling the newborns, he couldn't control them all on his own. Maria would be forced to interact with them on the journey home. She preferred to have as little to do with them as possible outside of rewarding them for a job well done. They were a means to an end. Nothing more. Expendable and disposable.

I ran for days, taking shelter when the sun rose and venturing back out at dusk. If a traveler was unfortunate enough to cross my path, I fed on him. I was a true creature of the night, stealthy and deadly, a silent executioner. Eventually, I found myself on a familiar road. My pace slowed and I came to a halt. I was perhaps a mile outside of Galveston. I realized I was standing at the place I had first encountered Maria.

She had been so beautiful, so terrifying in her otherworldliness, yet I had been too foolish, too constrained by manners to give my fear the respect it deserved. Instead I was captivated by her smile, her apple red lips eternally damning me with one kiss.

I endured the fiery conversion, my humanity expunged in a blazing inferno.

I awoke to endless night.

Maria's face was the first thing I saw, her pale skin glowing in the moonlight, like a luminescent pearl against a backdrop of black velvet. She was so resplendent I thought she must be an angel. She gave me a soft smile and held out her hand to me. "Come," she said. "You must be thirsty," her voice so mellifluous that I was lost in its dulcet tones, the words curling over my body like satin ribbons. At first I did not even recognizing the melodious sound as speech. Again she beckoned with her hand, entreating me to take it.

"Come."

I reached out my hand and placed it in her outstretched palm. Her fingers closed around it. "Good boy," she said, as she smiled. I could feel her pleasure at my action and I felt pride in her approval.

"Run with me," she enjoined.

I followed without question, still dazed and confused and somewhat stunned by the sights and sounds before me. The moon shone overhead, but it was as if it were the sun, only like no sun I had ever known. The world was completely illuminated by its silvery glow. I could see each separate leaf on a tree far in the distance. I watched the individual dark strands of my angel's hair dancing in the wind as the air rushed by, propelled as if by a hurricane, but it was only our inhuman speed which caused the breeze. I could hear insects and the tiny movements of rodents as they made their nightly rounds. And the smells… so enticing and pungent and delicious. The world itself was familiar, but absolutely everything about it was different, more textured and complex and brilliant.

We were nearing a campsite when I caught a whiff of a powerfully heady scent, its aroma so compulsory, I couldn't have stayed away if I tried. We slowed to a walk as we approached and a man rose from his place of rest by the fire.

"Go on," my angel directed. "You must drink. It will soothe the ache."

With that I noticed the burning in my throat, an almost unbearable pain that clamored to be assuaged. How I had not been aware of it before this moment seemed impossible, the torment was so insistent.

The man turned to me to speak. I noticed he was dressed similarly to myself.

"Major," he addressed me, "Do you travel on foot? May I be of assistance to you and your companion?"

I didn't answer. I was mesmerized by the pulsing in his throat, his beating heart accelerating as he began to sense our strangeness. His scent drew me closer. His fear washed over me in a wave as I gripped his arms, hearing the bones crack beneath my fingers. His scream of terror rang out into the night as my teeth sunk deeply into his neck.

I was awash in horror and in joy. His blood spilled down my throat, a feast of heavenly ambrosia, a divine palliative to the burning flames. The soldier, for I now recognized him as such, twitched as the life drained from him, his tumultuous emotions buffeting me: fear, betrayal, anger, grief, hopelessness, pain, longing, terror. I wanted to tear myself away from his agony, yet I couldn't bear to part from the glorious nectar and the exquisite pleasure it brought me.

When not a drop of blood remained, I released his still form and it crumpled to the ground. I was overwhelmed by confusion, by the swirling onslaught of emotions, the pleasure and pain intermixed until I couldn't tell one from the other. Had I just killed a fellow Confederate soldier, my brother in arms? Was this really my body that was aroused and thrumming from the feel of his throat beneath my mouth, the taste of his blood on my lips?

What kind of monster was I?

My angel seemed to understand my bewilderment. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled my face down to hers. "It's all right, sweet boy," she whispered. "Well done. Now let's get you cleaned up." Her tongue peeked out from between her lips and traced the line of my jaw, down my throat, across my chin, licking away traces of blood from the fallen soldier. Her lips met mine and when her tongue entered my mouth, I could still taste his delicious flavor. I groaned in pleasure. Pain and confusion faded away and I was flooded with desire.

"Nettie, Lucy, come help Major Whitlock with his clothes," Maria said and I looked up to see the two blonde companions I had first encountered with her on the road to Galveston. I hadn't even noticed them arrive. My shirt was slipped from my shoulders by one of the girls. The other tugged me to the ground and reached for my feet so she could pull off my boots. As each foot was freed, she brought it to her mouth and kissed its top. I felt hands at my waistband and then my pants were being pulled past my hips, down my legs and around my ankles. Soon I lay naked on ground.

"Lovely," Nettie crooned, as her fingers trailed across my chest.

"Mmmm, yes, lovely," Lucy uttered in agreement.

Their hands roamed across my body, down my thighs and legs, over my shoulders, my chest, my belly, my arms, my hips, the touch of their silken fingers sending jolts of pleasure through me. Their lips and tongues followed their hands, moist mouths kissing and licking and caressing every inch of my skin. Maria was leaning over me, her mouth never leaving mine, her tongue sliding against my own in kisses slow and deep. Her one hand was buried in the curls at my neck, softly stroking my skin. Her other had found its way to my chest, her fingers teasing my nipples.

I was incoherent and overcome with sensation. The feelings were unlike anything I had ever known, the level of pleasure almost unbearable. Every nerve ending responded to their sensuous ministrations until I felt like my skin was burning with an icy fire.

Then I felt a mouth enclose my rigid shaft in a wet embrace and my entire body lifted off the ground. I cried out into Maria's mouth, overwhelmed by the ecstasy pulsing through me.

"Do you feel that?" one of the girls asked, her voice thick with lust and tinged with wonder.

"Oh, yes," the other panted. "Yes, I feel everything."

"Everything."

Her mouth was back around me and her hand stroked my sack as her tongue swirled around the head of my cock. Someone lifted my hand and I felt another tongue wrapped around my fingers as they were sucked into a waiting mouth.

I was writhing on the ground, unable to control my movements. My mouth emitted wanton moans and other unintelligible sounds. Maria's lips moved from my mouth to behind my ear and down my neck, licking and sucking until she reached my chest. She traced her tongue around my nipple then took it into her mouth, scraping her teeth lightly against my hardening flesh.

The sensations were too much. Desperate whimpers left my throat as hands and mouths and tongues pleasured me with rhythmic strokes. Maria returned to my lips and as her tongue plunged into my open mouth, my body tensed and I released in a surge of rapture.

I don't know what good it did to remember that day. I had no idea what led me here. I was now agitated thinking about the soldier I had first killed. I had drank from hundreds of men since that time, experienced all of their fear and pain, but remembering the sound his bones breaking beneath my hands, his terrified screams, his accusing betrayal filled eyes disturbed me. It made me uneasy.

Maria wasn't here to distract me from my thoughts this time. Nor were Nettie and Lucy; they had long since been destroyed by Maria when their ambition became a little too apparent for Maria's comfort.

I had struggled with my actions, unable to fathom how I could have so easily taken the life of a fellow soldier, one of the men I had sworn to protect and lead. When I thought of the taste of his blood, my head spun in remembered bliss, but I still believed I should have been strong enough to control my urges. I was a military man, disciplined and regimented.

Maria had been so patient with me, leading me to an understanding of my new life. She gave me purpose, helped me hone my special abilities. I had a new army to lead and a new cause to fight for. Maria's desire for revenge was strong and her single minded drive to fulfill her mission was inspiring. Soon I was her willing officer, helping to build her forces and command her troops. Her mission became my mission.

Somewhere along the way, however, her mission had changed, mutating from its original intent of reclaiming her coven's territory, taking back her homelands, to expanding her holdings far and wide. As the strength of our army grew, so did her greed. I was no longer sure what I fought for.

We already controlled much of the south, from Mexico to most of Texas. We were able to feed unimpeded. As long as we maintained our forces, our enemies posed little threat. Yet Maria's ambition seemed intent on pushing the boundaries of our territory even further. I knew in my gut that she'd always want more.

The officer in me resisted this open ended campaign we conducted. I preferred specific objectives with defined military goals. If we had no end game in sight, no real picture of what a victory would entail, we were destined to wage an unending war.

I began to grow frustrated with myself. I had run to get away from the fighting for just a little while, and all I was doing was thinking about it. Thinking about killing – I couldn't get the soldier's expression out of my head, his harsh accusing eyes… thinking about Maria, her conviction that there was no alternative to the way we lived… the way we existed. Thinking about the unending years stretched before me, always fighting, always at war.

The never ending years.

My feet took off again before I realized it, as if trying to outpace the speed of my thoughts. I tried to empty my mind and concentrate on the wind against my face, the sounds of the night, the rhythmic pulsing of my pounding legs. I was no longer a soldier, jaded and battle weary. I was a specter of the night, a child's nightmare existing on the edge of nothingness. If I could empty my mind, it would almost be as if I didn't exist at all.

I don't know how long I ran – when you are nothing, time ceases to exits, but I once again found myself stopping at a familiar place. I was in Houston, at the edge of town. I stood in front of a modest farmhouse.

The long front porch sagged a little in the middle where the wide stairs led to the front door. The wood was rotted in places and it had that weathered, beaten look. To the left of the house stood a tall magnolia tree, its trunk sturdy and proud, its limbs reaching up to embrace the night sky. It was taller than I remembered.

I walked over to the tree and placed my hand against the trunk, feeling the roughness against my skin. I reached out and touched one of the broad leaves, enjoying the sensations of the smooth waxy surface on the one side and velvet softness on the other. Creamy blossoms hung ponderously from the branches like corsages on a debutante's wrist. Their perfumed scent stirred something in me, faint memories from another lifetime.

If I closed my eyes I could hear laughter through the kitchen window, a soft voice, gentle and kind. I could see a boy sprawled on his back, his head resting on an aproned lap, legs bent and a lazy smile decorating his dimpled face. I could almost feel the fingers running through my curls, massaging soft circles on my temples, nails gently scraping my scalp.

A pang of longing pierced my chest and I was overtaken with such a feeling of loneliness that my knees nearly buckled from under me.

My fingers dug into the wood of the tree and I shook the trunk with an angry roar. White petals rained down around me, snowy teardrops blanketing the earth. I grabbed a branch between my hands and lay my forehead down against it, wishing vainly for the release of tears.

My fingers clenched and I felt the branch splinter beneath them with a loud crack. I saw once again the eyes of the angry soldier, the hurt betrayal, the accusatory stare, his bones snapping as I gripped his limbs in my deadly embrace.

And once again I ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Text of title poetry](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/05/chapter-1-with-setting-sun.html)
> 
> .


	3. Chapter 2 - Bright and Deep

**"Where the pools are bright and deep,  
Where the grey trout lies asleep,   
Up the river and over the lea,   
That's the way for Billy and me."**

_\- James Hogg, "A Boy's Song," l. 1-4_

* * *

**Chapter 2 – Bright and Deep**

 

EPOV

My alarm went off while I was in the middle of an erotic dream. I was too disoriented to remember much, just fleeting images of soft lips pressing against my neck, wet tongue tasting my skin, firm hands stroking my thighs, hard muscle leaning into my body. I reached over and flung my hand out to turn off the annoying buzzing, groaning as I did so. I wished for nothing more than to roll right back over and sink into delicious sleep, returning to my phantom lover's arms; we had unfinished business. My cock twitched in anticipation. Ugh. Why was I awake so early today anyway?

"Edward, are you up, dear?" I heard my Mom call from the hall. "I made you breakfast this morning."

Of course. Our first day of school tradition. Mom had been making me breakfast on the first day of each school year for as long as I could remember. Even though I was Junior in High School now and perfectly capable of getting myself fed and out the door, she still insisted on staying home today to see me off.

"I'm up," I called out. "I'll be down in fifteen minutes."

Well, I was up. Nothing like hearing your Mom right outside your bedroom door to kill a boner.

I made my way to the bathroom and took a quick shower, adjusting the temperature a little cooler than normal, to both wake me up and to rid myself of my morning wood. I toweled myself off then pulled out a T-shirt and some jeans from my dresser. I finished off my outfit with a flannel shirt and some tennis shoes then headed down the stairs to the kitchen.

Mom was seated on a stool at our center island sipping coffee and reading the paper. She looked up and smiled when she saw me. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Good morning, beautiful," I said.

"Good morning, my darling boy," she answered. "Let me get you your breakfast." She walked around to the oven, pulling out a plate of waffles that had been warming. Butter, a small bowl of blueberries, some fresh whipped cream and a glass of orange juice were already on the granite countertop. She went to the sink and fetched a bottle of maple syrup that was resting in a bowl of warm water.

"Mmmm. Looks delicious Mom," I said as I poured myself a cup of coffee. "Thank you. But you know you didn't have to do this. I am capable of making my own breakfast, you know."

"Of course I did, honey! You're my baby. I can't send you off on your first day of school without some breakfast in your tummy." She then frowned, looking at my coffee. "I wish you wouldn't drink so much of that. You'll stunt your growth."

I rolled my eyes and made a scoffing sound, looking down at her concerned face. She smiled then, acknowledging the silliness of her remark. I was already over six feet tall, somewhat lean, but I had a nice build. She reached over trying to smooth down my hair as I dove into the delicious meal. "Don't forget to brush your hair before you leave. It's sticking up everywhere." I just nodded in response, knowing it wouldn't make a bit of difference. Although the color was similar to my Mother's, hers was always beautifully styled while mine was completely unmanageable. I usually just toweled it off and let it do what it wanted.

I finished up the last few bites of my breakfast then carried my plate to the sink. "Thanks again, Mom. That was really delicious."

"You're welcome, honey. Just leave those. I'll finish cleaning up. You better get going; you don't want to be late on your first day of school."

I walked around to hug her goodbye and noticed her green eyes were bright with tears. This, also, was tradition. As I wrapped my arms around her shoulders she began to speak the familiar words. "I can't believe how big you've gotten. You're so grown up now and so handsome. My little baby boy is actually a Junior in high school. How in the world did that happen? It seems like only yesterday I was dropping you off at your first day of Kindergarten."

"I'll always be your little boy, Mom," I whispered, giving her a gentle squeeze. God, we were such a cliché. She hugged me back tightly. "I know, sweetie. Your Dad and I are so proud of you." She held me close for another moment then pulled back to look me in the eyes. "Do you want me to drive you to school, honey?" she asked.

I released her and backed away in horror. "Uh, no. That's ok." I stuttered. The corner of her mouth tilted up in a crooked smirk and I saw the mischievous twinkle in her eye. I shook my head and gave a little laugh. "Bye, Mom," I said pointedly, heading for the door. I heard her laughing as I left, the mood effectively back to normal.

As I got into my car heading to Forks high school I thought about how I had never been happier for summer to be over. The trip to Europe with my parents was fantastic. I know I was lucky to have the opportunity to travel with my family every summer, but it sometimes got a little lonely. I had missed my friends and I was excited to see them again.

Or more accurately, excited to see _him_ again.

I pulled into the parking lot and looked around at the students already gathered, searching the faces for one in particular.

"Edward!" a voice cried out from across the lot.

I gave a small wave in acknowledgment and made my way over to where my friends were standing.

"Mike. Tyler. Ben," I said in greeting, clapping Mike on the shoulder and nodding to the others. "How's it going?"

"Great," Mike answered. "We missed you this summer! It sucks that we hardly got to hang out at all, and now it's over. Oh well, if we have to be stuck back at this hellhole, at least we're getting some new scenery this year."

"Oh yeah. The Chief's daughter," said Tyler. "I hear she's hot."

"The Chief's daughter? Chief Swan?" I asked. I had obviously missed out on some of the local gossip while vacationing overseas.

"Dibs!" cried Mike quickly.

"Screw you, dickhead," said Tyler. "She's fair game. Like you have a chance against my good looks and charm."

"You wish, second string." Mike retorted. "You know the chicks love me."

And they did. Mike had that all American look about him. Blond hair, blue eyes. Athletic, attractive. Nice smile, friendly. Funny and smart.

"You're both idiots," Ben chimed in, rolling his eyes. "C'mon Edward," he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards the school. "I want to hear about Europe."

"Catch you later," I called over my shoulder to a laughing Mike who now had Tyler in and headlock and was digging his knuckles into the top of his head, following Ben into the building.

As I began to answer Ben's string of questions about the places I had visited, my mind was spinning with one thought: he said he had missed me.

-o-

It was lunch time before I saw Mike again. He was already sitting down with Jessica and Lauren and Tyler. I grabbed a slice of pizza and a drink and joined them at the table.

"Hey, world traveler," Jessica greeted me.

"Hey, Jess. How was your summer?" I asked.

"Not as good as yours. Forks isn't exactly Paris or Milan."

I nodded my head and uttered a few "Mmms" periodically, feigning interest as she chattered away about her summer. Jessica was a nice girl, but she could be a little annoying. She talked a lot. _A lot_. She used to have a huge crush on me, but after zero, and I mean absolutely zero, reciprocation from me for what sometimes seemed like forever, she finally gave up. I was relieved because it had been very uncomfortable to be around her for a while. It was so much easier to be friends when I wasn't constantly trying to avoid her, or deflect her efforts to go out with me.

I think she was crushing on Mike now. Who could blame her?

I was surreptitiously studying Mike as he joked with Tyler. His shoulders looked broader than I remembered. He must have been working out. He looked really good. His hair was lighter that it had been in June. I wondered if he went anywhere over the summer or if Forks had been visited by good weather for once. His eyes were still that bright laughing blue. They practically twinkled they were so sunny. I watched his lips curl up as he laughed at something Tyler said. He had such nice straight white teeth. I loved the way the corner of his eyes crinkled when he smiled. So cute. And those lips; they looked so soft. I wondered what they would feel like touching my skin. What would they feel like against my lips?

"Bella!" Jessica yelled, almost right in my ear. I was abruptly jerked away from my pleasant musings.

I scowled as I looked to where she was waving frantically. A girl I didn't recognize was standing with Alice Cullen and Angela Weber. She was slim, but curvy with long brown hair and big brown eyes. I guess you would say she was pretty. The girl, whom I assume was Bella, looked over at our table as Jessica drew her attention and her eyes locked on mine. We stared at each other for a minute until she dropped her gaze, a flush slowing forming across her face. I realized I was still glaring, pissed that my fantasies about Mike's lips on mine had been so rudely interrupted.

I quickly rearranged my face into a neutral expression as they approached our table. Angela reached over to ruffle my hair before taking the seat next to Jessica. "Hey you," she said.

"Hey yourself," I replied back with a grin, ducking my head and batting her hand away. The Bella girl sat next to Angela, with Alice on her other side. Ben arrived and sat across from them. Alice's brother and sister joined him. I looked over to see Rosalie glowering in my direction.

"Masen," she sneered in disgust.

"Rose," I replied with an equal measure of hostility, contempt dripping from my tongue. It always amazed me that such a complete knock out could be such a raging bitch. Rose was gorgeous. Long blonde hair, endless legs, stunning face, perfect skin. And stacked. She looked like a freakin' supermodel. For whatever reason, she hated my guts. The feeling was mutual. I couldn't stand her. She was shallow and self-centered. And did I mention a total bitch? If I hadn't been friends with Emmett and Alice, I would have told her to fuck off a long time ago.

By now, Mike and Tyler had noticed Bella. I watched with familiar recognition as Mike prepared to make his move. He left his tray on the table and got up to walk around to where the girls sat. He pulled out an empty chair from the table behind them and sat on it backwards, his legs on either side of the seat and his arms crossed over the back. He rested his chin on them and cocked his eyebrow. That was sexy.

"Who's your friend, Angela?" he asked.

"Hey, Mike. This is Bella. Bella, Mike," she explained, motioning to each of them in turn.

Mike pulled out his most dazzling smile and extended his hand to her. "It's nice to meet you, Bella. That's a pretty name."

She took his hand and shook it. "Thank you. It's nice to meet you too," she said in a soft voice. I liked her voice. It was soothing. I detected the slightest hint of an eye roll as she retrieved her hand from Mike's and turned back around to her lunch. Interesting.

Mike sat up in surprise, with a slight look of shock on his face. He wasn't used to being dismissed so summarily. He barely paused before a broad grin broke out on his face. Whether she was issuing a challenge or not, he was definitely accepting it. I could tell he liked her.

He scooted closer to her and tried to engage her in conversation again, asking her how she liked Forks, where she had moved from, how was her Dad. She was polite, but somewhat reserved, answering in monosyllables when possible and saying as little as she could without being rude. I was intrigued. She was very hard to read. What kind of girl wouldn't be interested in Mike Newton? He was the total package.

Well, at least I thought so.

Mike and I had been friends for years. Our parents were friends, so we were thrown together a lot when we were kids and we were both in little league together. Our shared love of baseball had continued, and we now both played on the high school team. Although I was a little more serious about my studies than he was, we were also both in several advanced classes together. He was good natured and easy to get along with. He made friends effortlessly and I was happy to be counted as one of his closest ones.

I had been in love with him for years, even though I knew it was hopeless. Mike had no idea I was gay, and I intended to keep it that way. Forks was a small town with small town attitudes and although I had never seen anything from Mike that made me think he was homophobic, his father was the owner of the local sporting goods store and somewhat of a good ole boy. I had a feeling it wouldn't go over too well in the Newton household if his Dad found out his son's best friend was a queer. I just knew things would be weird between Mike and me if he knew I was gay, and I didn't want to risk any changes to our friendship. In two more years we would both be off to college; that was soon enough for the inevitable.

In my mind I knew I would be out at college, especially if I was in a larger city, which I fully intended to be. I wouldn't be the only gay man in my class as I was here. While I was in Forks, though, I kept my sexuality under wraps. It's not that I was ashamed or embarrassed or conflicted. I was simply realistic with a healthy dose of self preservation. I wasn't one to be a champion for a cause; I just wanted to have fun with my friends, do well in school, get into a good college and live my life.

I'm pretty sure my parents knew I was gay. We hadn't talked about it, but my Mom never bugged me about girls and was always very conspicuously gender neutral when she referred to any theoretical future partner I may one day have. I knew I could talk to them about it if I wanted, but I was teenage boy and the last thing I wanted to discuss with my parents was my sex life. Or lack thereof.

For the most part, I was comfortable with my sexuality and relatively issue free, at least as much as a 17 year old virgin who was closeted from his friends and family can be. I'm sure my parents' close friendship with my Godfather Daniel was in large part responsible. He and my Mother had been best friends in college and were still very close. Daniel and his partner Alan visited us whenever they were in the area and we had vacationed with them numerous times. I really looked up to him and he provided a great example of what my life could one day be. They were in the midst of trying to adopt a baby right now; otherwise, they probably would have joined us in Europe for at least part of our trip.

That's not to say I was always this comfortable. I still went through the typical angst of discovering I was different. I heard loud and clear the negative messages from society. I knew when the kids at school threw out comments like, "that's so gay," they were not bestowing compliments. I knew that there were plenty of people who considered me to be an abomination and would never accept me and some who might even want to hurt me. I had had to do my share of working through.

I remembered the first time I thought of Mike sexually and how both turned on and freaked out I was. We were fifteen and down at First Beach, enjoying a rare sunny afternoon. A group of us had met to hang out for the day. It must have been over 80 degrees outside. Mike and I were tossing a Frisbee in the sand, wearing only our swim trunks. He'd occasionally dive for a catch and I watched his lean muscular form, noticing he was no longer the skinny kid I had known all my life.

He stood up laughing, after one particular awesome catch, leaning over to brush the sand off his knees and calves. I noticed the curve of his ass, how tight and firm it looked under his shorts as he bent at the waist. I watched his hands as they brushed across his legs. I could almost feel the sensation of the rough sand against his hair and skin underneath my own fingertips. It was as if he moved in slow motion and I was trapped in a vortex, unable to look away, everything else fading except for the beautiful boy before me, sun kissed and heat slick. I watched the sunlight glinting off the sheen of perspiration on his shoulders and back and I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and press into his hard body from behind and lick the sweat right off his skin.

I was so aroused and had developed such a painful erection that I ran straight for the water taking a running dive into the surf before anyone could notice my predicament. Of course Mike followed right after, tackling me from behind when I stood up, pushing me back under. We roughhoused a while, dunking each other over and over, kicking the legs out from one another, laughing and playing in the sun until we staggered to our blanket and collapsed on our backs side by side. I had never been happier in my entire life; I had never been more terrified in my entire life.

We turned our heads to face one another. He was smiling at me and I could feel a big huge answering grin on my face.

"Shit, Edward, you're getting burnt to a crisp," he said.

I tucked my chin into my chest to look at my shoulders and reached out a finger to poke into my skin. When I removed it, the circle of pale flesh immediately turned a bright pink."

"Fuck," I groaned. "Angela," I yelled to the group of girls not far away. "Do you have any sunscreen?

She looked up from her book and leaned over to reach in her bag. She grabbed the bottle of sunscreen and lobbed it in our direction. It barely made it half way to us. "Thanks!" I yelled, moving to go fetch it.

But Mike was quicker. He jumped up saying, "I got it," and jogged over to retrieve the bottle from the sand. When he came back, he knelt behind me and I heard him squirting the sunscreen into his hands.

"Let me get your back. You're going to be sore as hell tomorrow." Then his hands were on me, rubbing the cream into my skin with strong slow strokes, across my shoulders, the back of my neck, down my back. It felt incredible. I closed my eyes, losing myself in the sensation of his strong hands on my body. I was simultaneously in heaven and in hell.

Then he handed the bottle to me and asked me to do his back. My hands were practically shaking. I squeezed some sunscreen into my palms then rubbed it over my face and chest first, stalling to take a minute to try and calm myself down. Mike didn't seem to notice how nervous I was, thank goodness. His back was to me.

And then I was touching him, his shoulders broad and strong under my fingers. His skin smooth and soft against my hands. His hair was cut short and I stared at the indentation at the base of his skull. I wanted to kiss it. The soft blonde hair on the back of his neck shined in the sun against his lightly tanned skin, little rainbows of color across the tiny shafts. I pressed my thumbs up his spine, my fingers on his neck, grazing the edges of his hairline. It was so soft, the gel he usually wore to arrange his spiky hair style having been washed out in the ocean.

I wanted to run my hands from his shoulders down his biceps, past his elbow, across his forearms and wrists to entwine my fingers around his. I wanted to wrap my arms around his sides and slide them across his stomach and up his chest and press my face against his back and run my tongue along his skin. I wanted to kneel at his feet and stroke my hands up his legs and feel the rough hair of his calves against my palms, just as I had imaged earlier.

But most of all, I wanted to get through putting sunscreen on Mike's back without him discovering that I was once again rock hard inside my shorts.

That evening I lay in bed with a mild case of sun poisoning. I had chills and a fever and my Mom had me drink a big glass of water and take some ibuprofen before making me go lie down. I replayed the scene from this afternoon over and over in my head, remembering the feel of his skin under my hands and getting hard immediately at the thought. My mind was spinning with what this would mean for our friendship. Would I be able to be around Mike without giving myself away? Could I tell him how I was feeling and maybe find out if he felt the same way?

I groaned at myself in frustration, knowing it was the worst kind of wishful thinking. God, what a disaster that would be. I couldn't believe I had actually considered it seriously for even a second.

And then I knew that I absolutely couldn't tell him, ever. He was my best friend and I never wanted to lose that. I was convinced that if he knew I was attracted to him _that_ way, he wouldn't want anything to do with me ever again. As long as he didn't know, I could spend as much time with him as we always had. I could be near him. One day I'd be able to tell him I was gay, but I would never, ever let him know that I desired him.

It was one of the worst and one of the best days of my life. I knew deep in my gut that Mike would never see me like that. He was as straight as straight can be. If I thought too hard about it, my emotions veered towards despair. But I also now knew what his body felt like. I had touched him, rubbed my hands over his skin. And although it caused an ache deep in the pit of my stomach, each time I remembered it, I smiled like a fool.

My skin blistered from the sun and eventually started to peel. It was itchy and beginning to slough off. I'd pull little strips of skin from my nose and my shoulders, unable to keep myself from picking at the scaly patches. When I rolled the bits of dead skin between my fingers, I was filled with happiness.

That day was the first, but most certainly not the last, time I fantasized about Mike while I masturbated. At night in bed, or sometimes in the shower, I'd slide my hands over my erection imagining that once Mike had finished rubbing sunscreen on my back and shoulders, he'd have slid his hands around my hips to my abdomen and then down under my shorts. I'd imagine his chest pressed against my back and his hot breath in my ear and his hand, slick with SPF 40 stroking my cock, firm and sure. My imagination rarely got further than that before I would orgasm, ejaculating forcefully all over my belly.

I was finished with lunch and all too ready to be done watching Mike flirt with Bella, so I said a quick, "see you in a few" and headed to Biology class. I wanted to get there a little early today. The seating would determine lab partners for the year and Mike would be in this class with me. I wanted to stake my claim on a lab table and keep anyone else from sitting there; Mike was going to be sharing it with me.

I chose a table about two thirds of the way back on the right and put my backpack in the seat closest to the window, leaving the isle seat open. I walked over to Erik who was sitting at the table in front of me to say hi and kill some time while waiting for the rest of the gang to show up. Erik was kind of a geeky kid with greasy black hair and unfortunate acne, but he was a nice and we had always gotten along. He was on the yearbook staff and was showing off his new camera to me when I saw Jessica and Mike enter the room.

I motioned them towards me saying, "Hey, over here."

Most of the other students had also arrived by this time. The lab table next to me had been taken, so Jessica slid into the one across from Erik. Mike had stopped to briefly chat with someone at the front of the room.

As I waited anxiously, I saw Bella Swan walking down the isle towards me. I assumed she was heading for Jessica's table, since I knew she hadn't met very many people at the school yet. Suddenly, she stumbled and came hurtling towards me. I reached out instinctively to grab her, and I caught her under her shoulders as she slammed face forward into my chest. Her slim body was soft and warm against me. She smelled wonderful, all feminine and sweet, like flowers and springtime. The books and papers she had been carrying flew everywhere.

I held her steady looking down at a curtain of dark hair until she found her footing. She pulled away from me and mumbled, "I'm so sorry" in a strangled whisper. She wouldn't look me in the eye, but I could see the dark blush covering her entire face. She quickly knelt down to gather her scattered belongings.

I could tell she was embarrassed, so I didn't say anything, not wanting to make things worse for her. I just knelt down next to her to help her. I stood up holding a small stack of books and waited for her to finish organizing the papers she had retrieved.

As I stood there, Mr. Banner walked into the room and spoke out, "Ok, everyone. Grab a seat. Let's get this started." He paused then looked up and saw several of us still standing. "Now, please," he added.

Mike looked over and saw me standing inches from Bella, face to face as her hands reached for the stack of books I was holding. He raised his eyebrow, giving me a questioning look as he let Jessica tug his arm and pull him into the seat next to her.

I could feel the tugging on the books in my hands, but my mind was temporarily frozen as I realized all my careful planning was ruined. Ruined by Bella Swan and her unbelievably poor timing and her clumsy uncoordinated feet. She was saying something to me, but I wasn't listening. I was too busy being pissed off about not getting to sit next to Mike all year long, not getting to be paired up with him for labs, not getting partnered up with him on take home projects.

Impatiently, I looked down at her face and snapped, "What?"

Her big brown eyes grew wide in surprise then I saw the flicker of hurt cross her face before she schooled her features into an impassive expression. "I said, thank you," she repeated in a voice that no longer sounded thankful at all, and gave a hard jerk to the books I was holding

I gave a curt nod as I released the books, turned and walked to my seat. I tossed the backpack on the floor then flung myself into it my chair, leaning back with my legs spread and my arms folded across my chest.

Bella stood there in the middle of the room, her flush growing deeper as she looked around for an empty seat. The only available one was, of course, next to me. I saw her hesitate then take a deep breath before sitting down next to my unwelcoming form. She refused to even look in my direction and stared forward the entire class. Her hair shielded her face from my eyes.

Which was fine with me because I sat there stewing the entire hour, resentment and anger on my face. I didn't really care that I hurt her feelings. I didn't care what she thought of me right now. I was too busy blaming Bella Swan for ruining my entire junior year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 2 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/05/chapter-2-bright-and-deep.html)


	4. chapter 3 - Darkness Visible

**"yet from those flames  
No light, but rather darkness visible"**

_\- John Milton, "Paradise Lost," bk. I, l. 62-63_

* * *

**Chapter 3 – Darkness Visible**

 

JPOV

I sought out Peter the minute I returned. His eyes widened in concern as I entered his room. I'm sure I was broadcasting my inner turmoil to everyone within range. He stood up and approached me then wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. I allowed myself to relax into him for a moment, but he wasn't having his usual calming effect.

I pulled back a bit to look him in the eyes. The concern was still there and… something else. I shut my eyes, not wanting to see it. I didn't want to sense Peter's feelings for me. Whatever they were, I would be unable to return them. I was a monster, unworthy of his affections. I tried once again to shut down my emotions. I didn't want to feel Peter, let alone my own anger and frustration. My self loathing. I just wanted to escape it all, for just one day. To not feel anything for only a day.

For even an hour.

In desperation I crushed my lips to Peter's and pressed into him, backing him against the wall. I could feel his surprise, but it didn't last long before it turned into a heated desire. His lips parted and I thrust my tongue inside his mouth, feeling his own sliding against it. His hands were on my clothes, urgent and impatient, pulling my shirt away from my body, undoing the belt from my pants so he could feel my hard flesh and touch my skin.

I pushed my hips into him and he moaned as my hardened cock pressed into his own. I felt a thrill at his reaction. Peter was always so incredibly responsive to me. He made it easy for me to lose myself in the physical sensations his body against mine could bring. I helped him remove the last of our clothing and I looked at his strong beautiful form, his chest heaving as he panted in desire.

I attacked his lips again, wrapping my arms around his body and using my hands to grip his ass and pull him closer to me. We both groaned at the movement. I placed open mouthed kisses on his jaw, up his neck to his ear and bit gently on the lobe, running my tongue around the shell. In a husky voice I informed him, "I'm going to take you hard and fast. I need this Peter. Please."

He nodded in acquiescence, answering, "Anything. Anything you want," and I spun him so that he faced the wall. I reached around his back and grabbed his forearms, lifting them up while bending him over so that he was braced against the wall. I kicked one of his legs wider and leaned down to scrape my teeth against his ass, I kneaded his buttocks with my fingers while my tongue slid down his crack and prodded his puckered flesh. I dipped my tongue in as deep as I could go and his back arched in response as his breathing picked up.

I removed my mouth from his ass and without hesitation I grasped my aching cock in my hand and directed it to his opening, plunging it in with one deep stroke. I cried out at the sensation and bent over him, my stomach and chest against his back, my arms around his middle. I held myself there for a moment, acclimating myself to the exquisite pleasure before I started to move.

I pulled out slowly, feeling his tight flesh surrounding me, embracing my length then I plunged back in hard and deep. He grunted and I pulled out and slammed into him again, gradually increasing my pace. I was lost in waves of pleasure, in Peter's answering bliss, our desire so intense it was almost as if the room was swathed in a tangible haze.

My arms were wrapped around his chest, my mouth open against his shoulder, panting as I thrust into him again and again. I could feel him stroking his erection as he pushed back against me. His body stiffened and I felt him release as he moaned my name. His tensing muscles around my cock pushed me over the edge and I pulsed into him, tightening my arms around him, my strangled cry buried in his shoulder.

We stayed connected while we came down from our pleasurable heights. My face was pressed against his back and I felt him reach his hands up to cover my arms with his own. Without being able to stop it, his affection and returning concern began creeping into my consciousness through our sated daze.

I stiffened and gently untangled his arms from mine as I pulled out of him and stood upright. I could feel his disappointment as he sensed me pulling away from him. I felt a twinge of guilt for using him like this, no matter how willing he seemed.

In many ways, Peter's relationship with me mirrored mine with Maria. I had worshipped the ground she walked on for years. I took Peter under my wing when he was first turned, much as Maria had done for me, helping him channel his blood lust and giving him an outlet for the sexual arousal that feeding or fighting engendered. He was so responsive and giving that I found myself almost preferring his company to Maria's after a while, although the times spent with the three of us together were incomparable.

He was tall and smooth and beautiful with kind eyes and a ready smile. I felt myself drawn to his gentle demeanor. When he showed an aptitude for calming the newborns and keeping the peace, I began to train him in earnest and teach him fighting strategies far beyond what I taught the rest of the soldiers. He had a quick mind and picked up everything I showed him with ease. I was able to convince Maria that he was far too valuable an asset to dispose of after the first year.

I did care about Peter. Beyond the physical release he provided me so willingly. Beyond our bond as fellow soldiers. I hated that I couldn't be more for him, but I was simply unable. My heart had turned to stone long ago.

I faced Peter and said, "I'm sorry," as I turned to leave.

He grabbed my arm to stop me. "Wait, Jasper. Stay. You don't have anything to be sorry for. Whatever you need, I'm happy to give it to you."

"But what about what you need?" I asked him, looking at him questioningly.

"I have enough," he answered. I couldn't tell if he was lying.

"Besides," he continued, "it's not the same for me. I know your gift can make things difficult for you. I don't mind being your escape. I like that you come to me to help you feel better. Believe me, I wasn't suffering just now." With that he winked at me and I barked a short laugh.

And I did feel better. When Peter heard me laugh, I could feel the happiness radiating from him. For just a moment, it was enough for me too.

I knew I couldn't put off seeing Maria any longer, so I went to find her. She was in her bedroom brushing her long dark hair. She didn't look up as I entered the room, but I could sense her irritation. I knew she'd be able to smell Peter on me and would not like it that I had gone to see him before finding her.

"You're home," she said, still facing away from me.

"I'm back," I responded. I leaned over to kiss her neck, and spoke softly in her ear, "I'm sorry I was away so long."

She appeared mollified and simply nodded hear head, continuing with her brushing.

"I know I promised you that I'd let Peter handle things for a while, but I've heard rumblings that Ramon is, indeed, planning a move from the west. I know you just got back, but I'd like you to go on a scouting mission to see if you can find out what we're up against. Take two of the older soldiers with you and cull them from our forces while you're gone. It will be a good opportunity to hone our strength without alerting any of the others."

I nodded. "How soon would you like me to leave?" I asked.

"As soon as you can," she answered. "I don't want to be taken by surprise."

She stood up then, and took my hands in her own. She looked up at me, a fervent expression on her face. "You see, Jasper? If we relax our vigilance for even a minute, someone will be waiting. They'll step right in to destroy us if they sense the slightest weakness. I've seen it before and I will not go through that again." Her voice grew stronger, "I will not watch our enemies destroy those I hold dear. I will not let them take my home away from me again."

I could feel she believed what she said and for a moment I remembered how infatuated I had been with the persuasive and passionate leader and how willingly and unquestioningly I had followed her for decades. She didn't deserve my disloyal thoughts; she didn't deserve my lack of faith.

I was a soldier, first and foremost. "I won't let you down," I told her, squeezing her hands.

I went to find Peter again. He was with the soldiers, again with the female with the brown curls and the short stocky male. I motioned for him to join me.

"I'm leaving again," I told him. "Maria needs me to check out a threat from the west."

He nodded in understanding. "Yes, Ramon may be trouble in the near future. I'm not surprised Maria is making preparations."

"She wants me to take two of the older soldiers with me," I informed Peter. From his expression, I knew he understood what I meant.

"I know how you feel about Maria's methods. I'll choose if you're not up for it," I offered.

He glanced back to where he had previously been standing. The two young vampires were still there waiting for him.

"No," he replied. "I'll make the selection. You shouldn't have to bear all the heavy burdens."

In truth it mattered little to me. Peter was the only newborn I had ever taken an extended interest in. The rest were with us for so little time that I barely bothered to ask their names any more. I found it easier to simply manipulate their emotions to ensure their loyalty than to earn it honestly.

Feeling Peter's deep sadness at the task before him made me feel once again like a monster. I couldn't wait to get away.

"I'll be leaving shortly," I told him. "Send them to me when you're ready."

"I will," Peter acknowledged. Then he gave me one of his penetrating looks, as if he understood me better than I understood myself. "Be safe, Jasper," he said softly.

We traveled for 2 days west until we came across the scent of an unfamiliar vampire. We tracked him easily and subdued him without effort, as we numbered three against one.

I felt his defiance and fear as the two soldiers I traveled with held him for my inspection. I sent a wave of calm and trust in his direction, erasing his fear. He relaxed and stopped his struggles against his captors.

"Let him go," I instructed my soldiers. They did as I directed and the vampire stood warily facing me, undecided as to his next action.

"Fear not," I told him. "We mean you no harm. We are just passing through, seeking safe passage to the west. We've managed to travel through Maria's territory undetected, but we are uncertain what awaits us farther west. If you can tell us what we need, we will leave you unharmed."

Sincerity radiated from me. I could feel him debating whether to trust me or not.

"If I tell you what you need, will you give me information in return?" he bartered.

"That depends," I responded. "What kind of information are you looking for?"

He hesitated as if weighing the wisdom of revealing anything to me, but I sensed when his decision was made. He was choosing to trust me. I smiled inwardly in satisfaction.

He, of course, was on a reconnaissance mission for Ramon, seeking information on Maria's forces—how many we numbered, where we were currently located. I gave him enough to convince him of our sincerity then he willingly told us everything we wanted.

Ramon numbered fourteen strong—thirteen after this conversation ended. He was preparing a surprise attack in two week's time, hoping to cripple Maria's forces. Ramon knew he didn't have the numbers to challenge Maria outright. They were planning to focus on taking out either Maria herself, or her right hand man, a vampire rumored to have special powers. They would stage a diversionary attack from the southwest to lure Maria's army from her home base.

Once I was satisfied I had all the information this vampire possessed, I turned to my soldiers and commanded, "Take care of him please."

The vampire's face registered shock and I felt his fear before my soldiers tore him from limb to limb, his furious screams echoing through the night.

"Well done," I said, praising my soldiers, letting them feel my approval. I directed one to the copse of trees nearby and asked him to gather up some wood, so we could dispose of the body. The other I asked to stay with me to help gather the remains. As soon as the first was out of sight, I turned to the second, saying, "Thank you for your service," before tearing his head from his shoulders. It happened so fast, he barely had time to register my actions and the only emotion I felt from him was a flicker of surprise.

I dismembered him quickly then left him there to follow the first soldier into the trees. He looked up when I approached and my expression must have given away my intent because he dropped the branches he was carrying and started to run. Emotions poured forth from him and I was bathed in his anger, betrayal and fear. I caught up with him easily and grasped his head between my hands, preparing to end him. My mouth began to form the usual words of gratitude when I was caught in his gaze, his accusatory stare piercing through me.

I faltered for a second then reacted with rage, ripping his head from his body with an angry roar, rending him to pieces and flinging his limbs far and wide.

I gathered the wood that had been dropped and headed back to where I had left Ramon's scout and my soldier. When I had a fire burning, I disposed of their bodies, making sure I gathered every last piece of their flesh. I went back to the woods to retrieve the third body, securing the scattered limbs. I carried it to the fire, the soldier's head facing away from me.

Although I moved methodically and mechanically, I was shaken. The eyes were blood red, but the look they gave was familiar to me; it was the same expression that had haunted me for days.

I watched the fire consume the body of the last soldier, the sickly sweet smoke rising in a thick column up into the sky. I didn't leave until I ensured every last speck of his flesh had been turned to bitter ash.

-o-

Ramon's forces attacked from the southwest, just as the vampire had said they would. Instead of surprising us and coming upon us with lowered defenses, he found us prepared and ready, our soldiers' emotions already whipped into a killing frenzy.

That didn't stop me from being the main target, however. I was besieged by his fighters, attacked from all sides, all of them intent on destroying me. My decades of fighting took over and I acted on instinct, ripping limbs from bodies, tearing through flesh with my teeth, a whirling dervish of pain, dealing devastation and ruin, obliterating anything in my path.

The newborns were stronger than I, but they were unskilled, clumsy in their approach. They were no match for the monster they faced, a malevolent demon intent on annihilation. Teeth pierced my skin, but I didn't feel it. I only felt hatred and rage, my evil nature overriding any conscious thought as I systematically exterminated any who dared threaten me.

Eventually, I was free from attack and became aware of my surroundings. Around me the battles were waning; only scattered skirmishes remained. The fires were beginning to burn. I looked down at the havoc around my feet and began the final disposal of my adversaries. As I threw the remains on the pyre, I saw Peter nearby doing the same, his eyes dark and dangerous, brown hair wild and disheveled, the muscles of his back sinuously rippling as he tossed a torso into the fire, an avenging angel bright and beautiful in the midst of bedlam.

I felt Maria's eyes on me and looked to see her staring at me in desire, a similar image reflected in her black eyes. I could feel her wonder, her appreciation of my muscled form glowing in the firelight, the flickering flames causing shadows to dance across my body like amorous caresses, a halo of golden curls above my head. But stronger than any emotion, I could feel her burning lust. I let it pulse through me and shuddered in anticipation. Peter's head lifted in awareness and his eyes locked on mine. Without a word, Maria turned and began walking towards her tent. Peter and I stopped our efforts and followed noiselessly after her.

When the flaps of the tent closed behind us, the wreckage beyond was forgotten. We fell on each other immediately, clothes discarded in haste around us, lips and mouths and tongues and hands reaching and clutching, urgent and hungry.

I felt Maria's hand on my arousal as her teeth scraped across my nipple. Peter's tongue thrust into my mouth as his erection rubbed against my thigh. With one hand I grabbed the back of Peter's neck, holding his face to mine while my other hand palmed Maria's breast. Maria's tongue slid down my body as she abruptly took me in her mouth, engulfing my hard flesh with ravenous need. I moaned against Peter's lips. He pulled away to move behind me, wrapping his arms around my chest, squeezing my nipples between his thumbs and fingers and pressing his manhood against my rear. His mouth was on my shoulder, placing open wet kisses along my skin. His lips moved to my neck and his teeth bit first gently, then more roughly as he growled in my ear.

Maria moved up and down my length, her tongue swirling and caressing me as she bobbed her head. I reached my hands down to rest on the top of her head, twining my fingers through her hair. She purred in response and I felt the vibrations against my cock.

I was awash in sensation, pinned between the exquisite torture of Maria's mouth and the wall of steel that was Peter's taut form. As my hips thrust forward, my arousal plunged down Maria's throat, enclosed in a tight vacuum of slickness and silk; when I retreated from her mouth, scraping teeth drove me wild and I was assaulted anew as Peter's cock ground against my ass. I gripped Maria's hair tighter as I moved with more deliberate strokes, reveling in the feel of my cock fucking her mouth. When her hand reached up to cup my testicles and her fingers slid further back to brush my perineum, I almost came right then.

My hands fell from her head and I gripped her shoulders, fingers digging into her skin as I groaned in response. "Down on your knees," I commanded gruffly, pulling my cock from her mouth.

She immediately turned her back to me to lean forward on her elbows, ass in the air; my cock barely had time to miss its silken sheath before I plunged into her wet and swollen center. I plundered her roughly, gripping her hips tightly with my hands as I drove into her again and again. Peter moved to stand facing Maria and I grasped a handful of hair, jerking her head up and back so that her mouth was in line with his burgeoning cock.

"Take him in your mouth," I instructed, and she gasped in desire. Her tongue reached out to lick his tip then his length disappeared between her wet lips. She took him deep, her nose brushing against his soft brown curls. His grunts filled the air as his hips rocked rhythmically in pleasure. With each thrust I made into Maria's flesh, her own cries were added to the night. Our sounds were a cacophony of ecstasy, a savage concert of bestial delight.

I could feel Peter beginning to lose control before he pulled back, breathing deeply. "I want to taste you too," he declared to Maria, his eyes dark and stormy. I pulled out of her, noting her plaintive cry as our intimate connection was lost.

"Kneel over his face," I directed her, watching as Peter lay down on his back, eyes hungry and eager.

I spread his legs apart and knelt between them facing Maria as she placed one knee on either side of his head. His tongue reached out to taste her wet center and I caught her cry as my tongue pillaged her open mouth. My hands captured her breasts, rolling her nipples between my fingers as Peter's reached around her thighs and over his head to grasp her buttocks. I slid my hands down Maria's sides then around her back replacing Peter's hands with my own. He palmed the crack of her cheeks with one hand, pushing his thumb into the hole of her ass while he reached around her thigh with his other hand to plunge two fingers into her wetness, his tongue flicking her clit in time to my hips. My head dipped down to take one of Maria's nipples in my mouth, running my tongue around it in circles then biting gently with my teeth. Her head fell back and her wanton moans reverberated through the night.

I took my hands from Maria's ass then reached between Peter's thighs, stroking his cock. I moved one hand to his puckered opening and pressed my finger deep inside feeling his muscles tightening around me. I added a second finger, then a third, pumping them in and out. Peter lifted his knees bringing them up to his chest, his ass rising from the ground to give me better access. I removed my fingers and replaced them with my hard cock in one quick thrust. Peter grunted deeply into Maria's cunt.

I lost myself completely in the emotions swirling around me, letting them run through me, then out from me. There was no war, no battlefield, no death, no strife. There was only my cock enveloped in Peter's tight flesh, Maria's hands gripping my shoulders, my lips encasing her breast, Peter's mouth ravaging her center. I could feel Maria was close to climaxing. Her panting increased and her muscles tightened. I flicked her nipple with my tongue a few times then bit down hard as Peter did the same against her clit. Her long loud shuddering cry filled the air as tremors pulsed through her body, her muscles contracting again and again around Peter's fingers still deep within her. He groaned in response, his tongue lapping at her juices as she came all over his face.

I felt his cock, rock hard between us and picked up my pace, plunging harder and faster into him. Maria extracted herself from Peter's mouth and moved beside him, grasping his length in her small strong hand, encouraging him with throaty murmurs. His head fell back as Maria stroked him and his pelvis bucked up into my hips, his breathing harsh and labored. I felt his manhood twitch in release as guttural moans emitted from his chest. I let out a roar as my own release rushed through me and leaned over his body to sink my teeth into his shoulder as I came.

I ran my tongue from Peter's shoulder up his neck to his ear, licking the lobe and around the shell as I let out one last satisfied moan. Our bodies shuddered against one another for a few minutes before I pulled out from Peter's body and collapsed by his side, my head in Maria's lap. She stroked the hair on my forehead whispering carnal words of repletion in my ear.

As always, my escape from the world around me was short-lived. As my passions faded, they were replaced by a deep melancholy. I thought back to my brief meeting with Maria before I had gone on my scouting mission, remembering my renewed allegiance to her vision. As I lay in a tent on the edge of yet another battlefield, the smell of death in the air, my mind spent, my body exhausted, I could not recapture that commitment to her cause.

Instead I felt empty. Hollow. Neither living nor dead. Trapped in an endless terrible night.

The only time I felt emancipated from my hellish existence was during the throes of passion, in the intimate meeting of flesh upon flesh. I could suppress the demon and forget I was conscripted to an eternity of strife. But the escape was so fleeting, so ephemeral, and the return to reality so crushingly painful that I no longer thought I could bear to endure it again.

The need to run was thrumming through every cell of my body, a seductive siren call of freedom. But I had followed that enticing temptress time and time again. No matter how far I ran, how hard I sought, I had yet to find that elusive place where my mind could be at peace. All my journeys ended the same: in turmoil and frustration and growing despair.

Maybe my peace lay elsewhere. Maybe I ran so that I could discover the truth: there was no rest, no escape, no end, no life. Perhaps peace lay in the acceptance of my eternal damnation. I could unleash the beast. I could stop pretending there was something more. I could fold myself in the devil's embrace.

I forced back the urge to run. I tucked my fierce yearnings away, deep inside a corner of my mind. Then I resolved to forget that they ever existed.

-o-

I no longer questioned Maria's ambition. When she sensed a new threat, I was there to quell it. When she decided to expand into the north, I carved out the territory, cutting away any opposition, a weapon of pain and destruction, a monstrous blade of ruin.

Peter no longer sought me out after a battle. I remembered his expression the first time I turned him away, his eyes so full of hurt, but even more unbearable to feel was the underlying tenderness he held for me. I was comforted when he eventually found solace in the arms of one of the soldiers, their passions so strong I had to travel quite some distance to remain unaffected.

Maria, likewise, sought her sexual release elsewhere, her growing anger with me at war with her satisfaction regarding my unparalleled military achievements. She could feel her hold on me had somehow slipped away, yet at the same time, I had never been more effective in battle.

I knew she considered me a problem that she would one day have to address, but for now, she seemed content to reap the benefits of my terrifying accomplishments.

After some months, we had reached a point of relative calm. Our threats from the east, west and south had been subdued. The north had not yet mobilized to repel our infiltration. Maria began to bring home some newly turned vampires. When she had introduced a half dozen newborns into our ranks, she pulled me aside.

"I want you to cull all the soldiers other than our newest recruits. Now is the time. They've all passed the year mark, some months beyond, and their strength is fading. It will be months before we'll need to engage in any serious fighting. The three of us can handle anything that comes along until these newborns are up to speed."

I nodded in acknowledgment. "I'll find Peter. We'll take care of it."

"Thank you, Jasper," Maria responded. She took my face between her hands. "You know how important you are to me, don't you? I don't know what I'd do without you."

I placed my hands on top of her own. "I know, Maria," I said gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

She turned her hands to capture mine in her own then brought them one after the other to her mouth, kissing each palm in turn. I could feel her appreciation and what could only be labeled affection for me. For whatever the reason, it didn't cause the same sort of pain that Peter's devotion had.

I kissed her cheek and went to locate Peter.

When I informed him of Maria's plans, he became agitated and tense.

"All of them?" he asked incredulously. "Some of them are incredible fighters, even with the loss of their newborn advantage! And why would she reduce our numbers down to six? Wouldn't it be more prudent to cull six and use the newest as replacements than to cripple our strength so seriously?"

He was pacing back and forth, his fingers gripping his hair, his shoulders tight, his body coiled like a spring, as if a simple flick of the fingers could cause him to explode in a million pieces. I had never seen him so upset. I knew how much he hated the inevitable destruction of our soldiers, but this went beyond that.

"She thinks now is a good time to re-strengthen our forces with new fighters. You know they're much stronger in the first year. We're not at risk from any serious threats right now. It makes sense." I tried to convince him.

"I think this is a mistake," he continued. "It's a mistake, Jasper." The force of his conviction was persuasive. "Remember when Ramon first moved against us? No one had even heard of him until right before he struck. What if there's another Ramon making plans as we speak? We've only just started making inroads to the north. We know very little of the threats that await us there. I'm telling you this is a mistake, Jasper."

His agitation was making me uneasy. He was usually the one who brought calm to a situation. I felt the need to end his turmoil.

I gripped his shoulders. "Peter, stop. Look at me." He brought his troubled eyes to my face. I was taken aback at the swirling emotions I found there. "I'll talk to Maria. I'll relay your misgivings. I'll ask her to reconsider."

He calmed imperceptibly, although he was still tense under my fingers. He nodded tersely. "Thank you, Jasper," he choked out in a clipped voice.

I gave his shoulders a squeeze then left him to his furious pacing as I sought out Maria.

She was unreceptive to Peter's suggestions. I pressed, wanting to do my best for Peter, exerting subtle pressure on Maria to get her to agree to keep at least a few of our veteran fighters. I felt her anger when she sensed what I was doing and her eyes flashed with danger. I immediately backed down, apologizing for questioning her decisions.

Barely leashed fury laced her voice as she made her position clear. "I fully understand Peter's motivations, but this is non-negotiable. They all go. Today." She turned to walk away from me, radiating anger, determination and something else that felt like… jealousy?

When I returned to Peter, I could tell he knew immediately what the answer had been. His shoulders slumped in defeat and his eyes filled with anguish. I wanted to spare him from more pain.

"I'm sorry, Peter," I said softly. "I really did try." He nodded in understanding. "I can handle this myself, if you don't want to be a part of it."

Instead of easing his tension my offer seemed to upset him even further.

"No!" he practically roared. "I'm not leaving."

"Alright," I complied, not wanting to argue with him. "Let's get this over with."

I turned to walk away. "I'm going to start the fire," I told him. "Bring me the first one when you're ready."

Peter had assisted with the culling of the soldiers many times before. It was always hard on him. Even though he was an accomplished soldier, at heart he was gentle and kind. He spent more time with the soldiers than any of us and considered them friends. It pained him deeply to be a part of this destructive practice, but he insisted on participating. He claimed it was important to him that their last memory be one of a friendly face rather than one of terror and fear.

Under some pretense he would bring the soldiers to me one by one. He would thank them sincerely for their service and as they gazed into his appreciative eyes, I would sever their heads from their necks from behind.

I was a merciful executioner. They were rarely even aware of what was happening.

This was the largest group we had ever terminated at one time. They numbered over 20. As the night wore on, Peter appeared to be falling apart. His emotions were so volatile that even my efforts to calm him had little effect. Hatred for Maria and even some reserved for me layered over what felt like love, overwhelming guilt, anguish, an ever-present current of anger, and deepest of all, a grief so intense I was surprised he was still standing.

I offered several times to relieve him and continue on my own, but he reacted with an anger so ferocious I was taken aback. I resolved to finish our task quickly, so I could get away from his conflicting emotions. The night was taking a toll on me as well.

Finally, he emerged with the final soldier, the female with the soft brown curls. If I had been stunned by the strength of his emotions previously, it was nothing compared to the onslaught I felt now.

She was positioned behind him and I felt her fear. She was obviously aware of what this night entailed. His stance was defensive and I heard the unmistakable sounds of growling coming from his throat. His face was etched in sorrow.

I was confused for just a moment, but then I finally understood all his previous actions. Everything clicked into place – Maria's jealousy, Peter's erratic behavior, his anger, his overwhelming grief.

He was willing to fight me to the death to protect his mate; I had been ordered to kill the woman he loved.

I understood his impossible dilemma. I felt their unbreakable bond. It was strong and pure and beautiful. As their love pulsed within me it touched places that I thought had been locked away forever. But even more penetrating than their undying devotion was the hopelessness that pierced through me. If my heart were not made of stone, it would now be breaking.

He knew I was unable to disobey Maria's directive. If he ran, turned traitor, I would follow and destroy them both. If he stayed, he'd be forced to defend her and would die in the process. After years of fighting side by side, he didn't expect to survive the encounter with me.

Peter was shaking, the growls coming out in guttural spurts, the agony of the situation overriding everything else.

"I'm sorry, Jasper," he said brokenly. "Charlotte is my mate. I can't live without her."

I wanted the pain to stop. Even the love was too much for me to bear. It reminded me of my emptiness, my loneliness. It had awoken long forgotten yearnings, ancient memories… gentle fingers, kind eyes, a soft breeze on a summer day.

I thought back to a time when this gentle man, who now crouched before me ready to die for the woman he loved, had made me laugh. How he gave me everything I ever asked for, never once asking anything in return. How I was unable to ever give anything back, because I was empty and hollow and had nothing to give.

I realized now that I did.

I took a step backwards, looked deep into Peter's eyes and whispered, "Run."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 3 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/05/chapter-3-darkness-visible.html)


	5. Chapter 4 - Prince of the Apple Towns

**"Now as I was young and easy under the apple boughs  
About the lilting house and happy as the grass was green,  
The night above the dingle starry,  
Time let me hail and climb  
Golden in the heydays of his eyes,  
And honoured among wagons I was prince of the apple towns"**

_\- Dylan Thomas, "Fern Hill," l. 1-6_

* * *

**Chapter 4 – Prince of the Apple Towns**

 

EPOV

I waited by my car after school was out. Bella Swan may have ruined my chance to sit with Mike in class, but I was determined to get some time with him today, before practice started up again. We'd often head to one of our houses together after school while our parents were still at work. Usually, all we did was eat and play video games. I didn't care. I just liked being with him. Mike was on the football team and once practice geared up again, he wouldn't have much time to hang out. I loved it when football season was finally over. Baseball pre-season conditioning would start up then and I'd see a lot of sweaty, straining Mike as we lifted weights together in the gym. Once baseball season really got under way, it was perfect. Practice together after school, parties after our wins, bus rides to away games. Perfect.

I would have loved to play football with Mike. Loved the chance to ram my body into his and tackle him on the field. Or be tackled by him and feel his strong body pinning me to the ground. I'd love having the excuse to be able to touch him like that. Unfortunately, I was gone for so long over the summer that I could never make any of the pre-season practices or games. It just made more sense for me to take up cross country instead. I loved to run and I was good at it. I could have played basketball. I was tall and generally people expected it, but I never had much interest in it.

I finally saw Mike exit the school and yelled out to him, "You coming over?"

He yelled back, "Yeah, meet you there." Good.

When he got to my house, we raided the kitchen for some drinks and a snack then headed down to the game room to start on some serious pwnage. I loved playing video games with Mike. We could play for hours, just shooting the shit and having fun. It didn't matter what game we were playing; I almost always won. Mike didn't seem to mind. He was an eternal optimist, convinced he would someday take me down. Wasn't going to happen.

As we settled into our afternoon, I knew it wouldn't be long before he asked me about Bella Swan. Sure enough, it was the first subject he brought up.

"Hey dumbass, I thought we were going to be lab partners this year," he said.

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that," I stuttered back. Before I could elaborate, Mike continued.

"Not that I blame you! Girl is hot! You gonna try and tap that? If not, I'd like to take a run at her myself. We had a moment during lunch today. I think she wants me!" he said wagging his eyebrows. "Hey, did you get to touch her boobies when she fell?"

"You're such a dick, Mike," I replied, continuing to keep my attention on the TV screen where I was currently kicking his ass.

I hated having these sorts of conversations with Mike. I had hung around the guys long enough to know they all loved bragging about how irresistible to women they were. And good Lord did they like talking about boobies. In reality, Ben was probably the only one who was actually getting laid, since he and Angela, the pastor's daughter, had been together since last year. I knew Mike wasn't a virgin, and although he talked like a douche bag, he was actually pretty nice when it came to girls. He had dated a lot of the ones at school, and they never had anything bad to say about him after they broke up. In fact they were all still pretty friendly with him. He was a smooth motherfucker.

"So?" he pressed. "What do you think? Are you interested in her?" His tone was casual, but he was curiously intent on getting a response, paying attention a little too closely to my answer. I knew then that Mike was very interested in Bella and was trying to gauge if I was interested in her too.

I put my game controller down and looked at him. His eyes were so blue. They were unreal. "To tell you the truth, I hadn't really thought about her," I lied smoothly. Of course I had thought about her. I had thought of nothing but Bella Swan all afternoon. Thought about how much I hated her, that is.

"Fuck, Edward, you looked pretty cozy there in the middle of the room, all gallant and shit, helping her with her books. She probably creamed herself just looking at you." Obviously, he hadn't noticed the death glare I had trained on her during class.

"Are you going for her? Tyler's no competition, but if you're after her too, I'm screwed."

We had had this conversation before. Mike maintained I was so good looking that if I even bothered to unleash my charms on the unsuspecting female population of Forks, I could have any girl I wanted. Of course I wasn't interesting in unleashing anything on any of the girls in Forks; the only person in Forks I was interested in was Mike. I always liked to focus on the part of the conversation where he thought I was good looking.

"She's not really my type, Mike," I assured him. "You know I like blondes." That part wasn't a lie, at least. I did like blondes. With bright blue eyes and nice white teeth. And broad shoulders. And cute smiles. I don't know why I tortured myself like this.

"So you don't mind if I take a crack at the luscious Ms. Swan? You know I'd back off if you were seriously into her, right?"

"Yeah, I know, Mike. It's cool. Have at it," I told him.

"Not like you have a chance any way," I added, laughing. "I witnessed your 'moment' this afternoon," I said, making quotation marks in the air with my fingers. "It looked to me like she was about to tell you to fuck off."

"Fuck you, asshole," he said, taking a pillow and smacking me in the face with it, laughing back.

"Ow, shit!" I yelled, grabbing the pillow and smacking him back. God, forget the stupid pillow. I wanted him to use his hands and wrestle me to the ground instead.

Unfortunately, right then I heard my Mom coming down the stairs to the basement. "Hey boys," she greeted us. "How was the first day back?"

"Hey Mom," I answered. "It was the usual. Forced incarceration combined with inhumane torture. Did you know they plan to make us read books? And do math?" I shuddered in mock horror.

"That's awful, honey," she replied dismissively.

She turned to Mike. "Mike, dear, do you want to stay for dinner? I brought home some Chinese. Ed's going to be late and we've got plenty."

Please say yes, I thought.

"That sounds great, Mrs. Masen. Let me call my Mom and let her know," he said pulling out his cell phone.

"Just come up when you're ready, boys," she said, walking back up the stairs.

Mom had the cartons out on the counter when we came upstairs and was getting plates out for us. Once we had our food loaded up, we grabbed a few sodas and moved into the dining room to eat.

"So Mike," my Mom asked, "what classes are you taking this year?"

"Mostly the same as Edward," Mike replied. "English, History, Biology, PE, but Algebra II instead of pre-calculus, like genius here," he said, gesturing to me.

"Did you boys meet Charlie Swan's daughter?" she asked next. Of course she did. A new student in our little town was big news for everyone.

"Sure did," Mike answered. "She sat with us at lunch today. She's hot," he added.

"Dude, you're talking to my Mom," I said, rolling my eyes. At least he wasn't talking about her boobies again.

He just grinned, unapologetically. He was so cute.

"Well, she is," he continued. "Not only did we have lunch with her, but my boy Eddie snagged her as his biology partner." He reached out his fist to bump mine. Mike was the only one I ever allowed to call me Eddie, which I hated. But by God, I loved it when he called me his boy.

"Oh, Edward," my Mom gushed. "I'm so happy to hear that. It must be hard for her coming to a new town right in the middle of high school. She must really miss all the friends she had to leave behind. I'm glad she has you boys looking out for her."

Instantly, I felt terrible. I hadn't given a single thought to how Bella might feel-a new town, a new school, having to make new friends. I was too busy being angry with her for accidentally tripping and having hellaciously bad timing. I had glared at her during lunch as well. Yes, she had ruined my plans for Biology, but I guess I had ruined her first day too. She probably hated me. I felt guilty, pretending to be the good citizen my Mom thought I was. I sucked.

I just nodded to my Mom as Mike went on about how he definitely had plans to keep Ms. Swan company this year. I resolved to apologize to her tomorrow. Not only because I had been a complete shit head to her, but if Mike was planning to date her, I'd need to be on her good side if I wanted them to spend time with me too. Football and cross country would already eat up enough of our free time; I didn't need his new girlfriend keeping him away from me too.

Not that Bella was his new girlfriend. But if Mike was interested in her, she would be eventually. Who wouldn't want Mike Newton as a boyfriend?

Putting my plan in motion, I tried to apologize to Bella during lunch the following day. She evaded my every attempt. She refused to look me in the eye and sat as far away from me as possible. I was frustrated, but bided my time. I knew she wouldn't be able to avoid me once we were in Biology class.

I got there before her and was already seated when she arrived. I greeted her the moment she sat down.

"Hi, I'm Edward Masen," I said to the side of her head. She still wouldn't look at me. "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce myself to you yesterday." I had my most charming smile plastered on my face, waiting for her to acknowledge me.

For a minute, I thought she was going to continue to ignore me. Then after a long pause, she turned her head slightly in my direction, still avoiding my eyes and said, "Hi."

Well, that was a bust.

I tried again, "You're Bella, right?"

Another long pause, and then she simply responded, "Yes."

I suddenly understood what the saying "like pulling teeth" meant. I needed to find something to talk about that required more than these one word responses.

"You're from Phoenix, right?" I asked her, then continued on, not expecting an answer. "How are you finding the weather here?"

She turned to look at me fully then, her big brown eyes flashing in annoyance. "Seriously?" she asked. "You're asking me about the weather?" her voice was incredulous.

I sighed heavily. I sucked at this. I decided to can the bullshit and cut to the chase.

"Look," I told her. "I'm really sorry about yesterday. I know I was rude to you. I don't have a good excuse. I was just having a bad day and I took it out on you."

She continued to stare at me like I was from outer space or something.

I tried one more time. "I know I probably made your first day here pretty unpleasant. I truly am sorry," I said quietly.

I was starting to lose my nerve under her silent stare. I faltered and dropped my eyes from hers. "Well," I said uncertainly. "I just wanted you to know that."

I turned to face the front of the room as Mr. Banner entered. I felt uncomfortable. I fiddled with my pen in my hands, keeping my head down. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to fix this.

Then I heard a quiet voice next to me. "It's ok."

My head snapped up. "Yeah?" I asked her, searching her face. Was she serious?

"Yeah," she answered, giving me a small smile. She was really pretty when she smiled.

I felt relieved. I hadn't liked how guilty I had felt. I was glad she was willing to forgive my asshole behavior. I returned her smile with a big one of my own, feeling pretty good about the whole apology thing.

I heard her breath catch then she blushed and looked away from me, hiding behind her hair again. I was instantly filled with uncertainty again. Girls were so confusing. She had forgiven me, hadn't she?

I decided I had just better ask her. I reached over and pushed her hair back from her face, so I could see her expression when I talked to her. She jumped in surprise and blushed even harder. I plowed ahead anyway.

"So we're good?" I asked her.

She nodded once, not meeting my gaze. "We're good."

Over the next few weeks I got to know Bella better. She was easy to be around. She didn't talk a lot like many of the other girls I hung out with. She never seemed to talk just to talk. She was quiet, but it was a comfortable quiet. I liked it.

Mike continued to pursue her, sitting with her at lunch every day, flirting with her outrageously. As much as I wished he was focusing all that attention and energy on me, I couldn't help but admire his persistence. It was fun watching him in action. Bella didn't seem to mind. She joked back with him and kidded around, all the while extricating herself from any sort of date commitment with an impressive finesse. Occasionally, she'd catch my eye and give me a small smile with a little eye roll at one of Mike's more ballsy moves. I liked that we were becoming friends after such a rocky start.

Biology class was a lot more enjoyable with her in it too. As much as I had wanted Mike to sit next to me, Bella turned out to be the perfect lab partner. She was really smart and efficient. We were always done long before anyone else in the class. We'd hang out and talk while everyone else was struggling through the assignment. Mr. Banner didn't seem to care. We were the two best students in the class, so he let us do whatever we wanted as long as we were quiet.

I learned all about her family, how she had been born here in Forks, but moved to Phoenix when her parents split. How she'd spend summers here with her Father, hanging out with his friends on the reservation. How her Mother had married a minor league ball player and really missed him when he traveled. Bella asked her Dad if she could come to Forks, so her Mom could travel with him and wouldn't be unhappy. Her self sacrifice made an impression on me. I wondered if I was too selfish to do something like that.

I told her about my family, about our yearly travels during the summers. She loved hearing the details about all the other countries I had visited, and I think I appreciated them more watching her enthusiastic response to my stories. She had never been anywhere outside the United States except for a resort in Mexico when her Mother got remarried and she said it might as well have been in California it was so touristy generic.

I told her about growing up in Forks and what it was like living in a town where you had the same 60-70 kids in your class year after year and everybody knew your business. I told her stories about Mike and Angela and the rest of the gang and tried to fill her in on stuff that she would just know if she had lived here all her life like I had.

We talked about books and movies and music. We liked a lot of the same things, but differed enough that we could get some intense discussions going. She didn't seem as girly as some of the other girls in the class, but her tastes ran decidedly towards the romances. I learned that her favorite author was Jane Austen and her favorite movie was _A Room With A View_. She learned my favorite author was Martin Amis and my favorite movie was _Fight Club_ (what else).

On game nights she'd join me and the rest of the gang to cheer Mike and Tyler on. Mike loved it when we showed up to a game. I loved having the excuse to stare at him to my heart's content. He'd always wave at us and yell, "Eddie!" "Bella!" which always made her blush bright red. She preferred to stay in the background and not be the center of attention. I thought her blushing was cute and told her so. She rolled her eyes while blushing even deeper saying, "Well, good, since I do it often enough." She always passed up the booze when it was handed around and I guessed it was because her Dad was the police chief. I usually skipped it too, since I always drove.

We'd wait for Mike after the game before heading to whatever party was going on and he'd greet me with, "Eddie, my boy, are you trying to horn in on my girl again," while wrapping his arm around Bella's shoulders. Bella would shrug his arm off with exaggerated irritation saying, "I'm not your girl, Mike." He'd just grin that cute grin of his and say, "Yet."

Even though it had only been a month or so, I felt like I had known Bella forever. She fit in with our gang like she had been here all her life. It was hard for me to believe that I had once hated her.

At the beginning of October, Mike came over one afternoon to check out some study guides my parents had bought me for the PSAT. We'd both be taking it in a few weeks.

"Hey, Edward," he turned to me. "Do you think you could help me with something?" he asked.

"Sure," I answered. "What is it? Math or English?"

"Oh, nothing like that. These books are great. I think I have a handle on what to expect. No, this is about Bella."

"What about Bella?" I asked.

"Well, you know Homecoming's coming up on the 16th… I want to take her to the dance."

"Oh. That's great." I responded in what I hoped was a neutral tone.

"Yeah, well, it will be great, if she'll agree to go out with me. You gotta help me, Eddie! I'm getting nowhere with that girl." He sounded frustrated.

"What am _I_ supposed to do?" I asked him.

"C'mon. Put in a good word for me. I see how tight the two of you are now. You're always talking all through Biology and hanging out together. Just tell her I'm a good guy. Convince her to give me a shot. You know me! She'll listen to you."

"I don't know, Mike," I hedged. I didn't really want to get involved in Mike's dating life. Unless, of course, that dating life included me.

"Please, Edward," he begged. "I really like her."

And I knew once I looked into his pleading blue eyes I'd do anything he asked.

"Ok, Mike," I told him. "I'll do what I can."

"Thanks, Eddie!" he said, clapping me on the back. "You're the best."

On Monday I decided against subtlety. I'd just tell Bella Mike wanted to take her to the dance and that she should go. I had my game plan ready by the time Biology rolled around. Once class got underway, I turned to her and whispered, "Hey Bella." I leaned my chin down to rest on top of my arms which were folded across the desk.

She leaned down to copy my pose and tilted her head to look at me. "What?" she asked.

"So Mike really wants to go out with you. He's going to ask you to the Homecoming Dance on the 16th. You should go." There. I had done my part.

She was quiet for a minute, staring at me, but not responding. Finally she said, "I don't dance." Obviously, this wasn't going to be as easy as I had hoped.

"So what?" I replied. "Just go and hang out. You don't have to dance at those things."

"I don't want to go," she insisted.

"Well, then go to movies or something instead. Mike really wants to take you out." I didn't think Mike would care if they went to the dance or not.

"He's not my type," Bella said.

"Well, what is your type?" I asked.

She blushed and looked uncomfortable and was quiet, dragging out her response again. "Just… not him," she finally said.

"Why not?" I pressed. "Mike's really great. I've known him all my life. He's funny. He's smart. He's nice. He's a good looking guy and he really likes you. Why don't you want to go out with him?"

"I just don't," she whispered, starting to sound annoyed. Mike so owed me.

"I don't see why you won't just give him a chance. I know he can act like a douche bag sometimes, but he's really a good guy." I wasn't giving up yet.

"Ugh!" she huffed. She looked pretty pissed now. "I told you. I don't want to go out with him! If you like him so much, why don't you go out with him?" she hissed angrily.

I froze when she said that. I knew she was only venting, but that hit a little too close to home. I couldn't say anything.

She was glaring at me and I turned away from her to face the front of the room. My hands were sweating. I sat up and wiped them against my jeans.

A few seconds later I heard her whisper, "Oh my god." I ignored her.

" _Oh my god_ ," she repeated. I turned to look at her, annoyance written all over my face.

"What?" I asked.

"You like him," she whispered.

"What?" I sneered, curling my lip.

"You like him. You like Mike," she insisted.

I swallowed nervously. "I don't know what you're talking about," I said, turning away from her again.

Thank god she let it drop. When class was over, I grabbed my stuff and left without looking at her. I felt like vomiting.

Bella was waiting for me when I got out of my history class. I walked past her without looking at her.

"Edward," she called, running after me. "Wait."

I kept walking. I heard her following me, trying to keep up with my fast stride.

"Please, Edward. Wait up," she said. "I need to talk to you."

I stopped and looked at her. "I need to get to practice," I said. I turned and walked away from her again, not waiting for a response.

My mind was in turmoil as I ran around the track. I hadn't told anyone I was gay. I knew my Mom suspected and I had the feeling that Angela knew too, although we never talked about it, but I had never actually said anything or confirmed it to anyone. And here, a girl I had practically just met figured it out while barely knowing me. If I had gotten that bad at hiding it, it wouldn't be long before everyone knew. I wasn't ready to be the token gay student of Forks High. It wasn't anyone's business but my own. God, if Mike found out… I hated to even think of how he'd react.

I wondered if Bella would say anything to anyone. Surely she wouldn't, would she? I could always deny it. At that thought I felt sick to my stomach again. I leaned over with my hands against my knees, panting heavily. I heard Coach calling to me. I looked up and saw I was the last one on the track. Coach was walking over to me.

"Edward, I appreciate the dedication, but go home. Practice is over."

I nodded in acknowledgment, still catching my breath.

"Good job. See you Wednesday," Coach said patting me on the back then started walking towards the parking lot.

I started to make my way to the stands to get my things and was startled to see Bella and Alice sitting there. When they realized I saw them, Alice leaned in to say something to Bella then left leaving Bella alone. She stood up as I approached her.

"Hey, Edward," she said softly. "Can we talk?"

I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. "Yeah," I said, resigned.

She sat back down on the bleacher then patted the spot next to her. I sat down and waited for her to say something.

"I'm not going to tell anybody," she said.

I realized it was stupid to even think about denying it. "Okay," I said. "Thanks."

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I didn't know what to say.

Finally she asked, "Does anybody else know?"

"No," I said softly.

She put her hand on my arm. "I'm sorry how I reacted before," she said. "I was just surprised."

I turned to look at her. "Was I that obvious?" I asked.

"No. Yes," she replied. "I don't know. I guess I've just really gotten to know you."

"Yeah, well now you know me better than anyone in Forks," I said with a small laugh.

We sat quietly. She slid the hand that was on my arm down to my hand and wrapped her fingers around mine, squeezing them softly.

"No one's going to care, Edward," she said.

"You don't know that," I retorted, because she didn't.

"I'm not ready to be out in Forks. I always thought I'd wait until I was in college and away from this small town before telling people I was gay." There. I had said it out loud. It was a relief to admit it to someone else.

"Your secret is safe with me," she said, giving my hand another squeeze, and I knew it was.

The next day in Biology, Bella whispered to me as soon as class got started, "Hey Edward. I had an idea."

"What's that?" I whispered back.

"I could be your girlfriend," she answered, blushing.

"What? You mean like my beard?" I asked, shocked at her suggestion.

"Yeah. You take me to Homecoming. We'll be official. You won't need to worry about people finding out and I can get all these guys to stop bugging me. It's a win-win."

"I thought you didn't dance," I smirked. She rolled her eyes at me. "Wait. What do you mean all these guys? You mean Mike?" I asked.

"And Eric. And Tyler," she said. Huh. I knew Tyler had joked about getting Bella to go out with him before, but I guess I hadn't noticed him actually putting forth the effort. And Eric? I didn't think he had it in him.

"Well, what about Mike?" I asked. "He's my best friend. I told him I'd put in a good word for him with you, so you'd go out with him. I can't do that to him."

"Look, Edward," Bella said, "I'm never going to go out with Mike. Never. Not going to happen. For one, Jessica likes him and I would never do that to her. Secondly, I told you he's not my type."

"Oh, so you wouldn't do that to Jessica, but you want me to do the same thing to Mike? Hypocritical much, Bella?"

"It's not the same thing," she insisted.

"Yeah. It kind of is," I said.

"It's not. Jessica actually has a chance with Mike. Mike has no chance with me."

"That's beside the point. Bros before hoes, Bella," I told her.

"Ugh. I hate that saying," she said in a disgusted tone of voice. "Just think about it. If you didn't have a thing for Mike would you worry this much about asking me out? I mean, if I told him that I wanted to ask you to Homecoming, but you wouldn't say yes because you thought it'd be disloyal to him, what do you think he'd say?"

I knew what he'd probably say. He had told me before that he'd back off if I was interested in Bella.

"I'll think about it," I told her.

"Good," she said, with a smug smile.

-o-

I stood in front of the mirror straightening my tie. It was a light grey silk with a subtle blue and black geometric design on it. I wore black dress pants, a white dress shirt, black shoes and a black blazer. I looked pretty sharp, if I did say so myself. I knew I was probably a little more dressed up than many of the other students would be, but I wanted to look good.

After thinking about Bella's idea, I had really warmed to it. It's not like we didn't hang out together all the time anyway. It would definitely stop any questions about why I never seemed to date. My only real worry was how Mike would take it. I felt like I was betraying him since I knew he had been crushing on Bella for weeks. Bella assured me that she would handle Mike and it wouldn't ruin our friendship.

Sure enough, Mike approached me at lunch and asked, "So you and Bella, huh?"

I looked up at him startled. "Uh, well," I stammered.

Mike laughed. "Relax, dude. Bella told me _she_ asked _you_ out. Are you going to say yes?"

"I haven't decided. What do you think about it?" I deflected.

"Can't say that I'm happy about it," he said. My heart fell. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Mike. "But like I told you at the beginning the year, if you're interested, I'll step aside. I wish you had just told me then. I wouldn't have made such an ass of myself to her this past month."

"It wasn't like that, Mike," I hastened to assure him. "We've gotten to know each other really well lately."

"She's a cool chick. I mean, I like her. But if she's got her sights set on you, I know I don't have a chance anyway." He sounded resigned.

"Well, she told me that Jessica has a thing for you," I told him.

He perked up. "Really?"

"Yeah. It's why she won't go out with you. Jessica's her BFF or something. She gave me some bullshit about girl code."

"Huh," was all he said.

"Jessica's gotten pretty hot this past year," I continued.

"She has, hasn't she," he said thoughtfully.

"So are we cool?" I asked him. "You won't hate me if Bella and I go out?"

"We're cool, Eddie," he answered. "Always."

When I told my Mom about my date with Bella, she looked shocked. She quickly recovered, schooling her features into a smile then gave me a tight squeeze.

"My little boy is all grown up," she said.

"Mom," I whined, pulling away from her. She just laughed at me.

She had helped me with my outfit though, and picking out a corsage. I appreciated it. I didn't know I was supposed to ask about Bella's dress color and coordinate my tie to match. She also suggested a wrist corsage in case Bella's dress was strapless. She insisted that I bring Bella back to the house before heading to the dance so she could take pictures of the two of us together.

I was nervous as I pulled up to the Chief's house. I didn't know why. It's not like we were really dating. We were two friends helping each other out. Chief Swan didn't know that though. Plus, he carried a gun.

He answered the door after I knocked, not smiling.

"Good evening, Chief Swan," I said in my most well mannered voice. "I'm here to pick up Bella for the dance."

"Hmmff," he grunted in reply. "Come on in. She's not quite ready."

I followed him into the house. I stood there nervously, shifting from one foot to the next as I waited for Bella.

Chief Swan finally broke the uncomfortable silence. "So how are Liz and Ed?" he asked.

"They're doing well, Sir," I answered. "My Mom says hello."

Just then Bella came down the stairs. Thank God.

She looked really pretty. She had on a blue silky looking dress and low silver heels. She had curled her hair and it was pinned back from her face. She was wearing make-up. She looked nervously between her Dad and me.

"Hi Edward," she said awkwardly.

"Hi Bella," I said. "You look really nice." She did.

She smiled at me and I finally relaxed. This wouldn't be so bad. It was just me and Bella, hanging out. But in nicer clothes. "Thanks," she said.

"Oh, I brought this for you," I said, holding out the corsage.

Her smile grew bigger. "Thank you," she said, reaching out for it. "Will you help me put it on?"

I opened the container and slipped the corsage over her wrist. "Ready to go?" I asked her.

She nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow, Dad," she told him, kissing his cheek.

"Have fun kids," he grunted. "One AM, Bella," he added.

"Thank you Sir," I said, reaching out my hand to shake his.

"No drinking," Chief Swan said to me sternly as we headed out.

I nodded in acknowledgement. I opened the door for Bella when we got to the car and she giggled.

"Such a gentleman," she said.

"Absolutely," I grinned.

"You look nice too," she said as I slid into the driver's seat.

"Thanks," I replied. "My Mom picked out my tie." I laughed at my admission.

"She actually wants us to stop by the house before we go to the dance so she can take pictures. Do you mind?" I asked her.

"No, I don't mind. It will be nice to meet her," Bella replied.

When we got to my house my Mother pulled Bella into a big hug. "You look lovely, dear," she told her. "I'm so happy to finally meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too," Bella said, her cheeks turning pink.

My Dad came into the room and my Mother let go of Bella to introduce them. "Ed, this is Bella, Charlie Swan's daughter and Edward's date." She emphasized the word date. Could this be any more embarrassing?

Bella held out her hand to shake his, and he took it, raising it up to his lips instead saying, "It's a pleasure to meet such a beautiful young lady." God, he was so over the top sometimes.

Bella giggled. "Thank you. Nice to meet you too, Mr. Masen."

After we posed for too many pictures, we left my parents' house and were on our way.

"I can see where you got your good looks from," Bella said once we got in the car. "Your Dad is dreamy. And your Mom's really pretty too."

"Did you really just call my Dad dreamy, Bella?" I asked in a skeptical voice. "Really, Bella?"

She just laughed.

"You think I'm good looking?" I asked next turning to her with a cocky grin.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. You have to know how gorgeous you are. Half the girls in school are in love with you. I'll probably make, like, fifty enemies the minute we walk through that door tonight."

"Right," I scoffed in disbelief.

"It's true," she insisted.

"No way. Don't you think I would have noticed something like that?"

"Whatever, Edward," she said, effectively ending the conversation.

We were here anyway. The Homecoming dance was being held in the school gym. We stood in the doorway taking in the scene. It was decorated with navy and gold streamers everywhere. They had somehow hung a disco ball from the ceiling and it was spinning, throwing sparkles of light on the dance floor. It looked like something out of a bad '80s movie.

"Well, let's go make you some enemies," I said, holding out my arm for Bella.

She looked at me with a warm smile and put her hand through my elbow, nodding she was ready.

I don't know what I was expecting, but the dance turned out to be fun. Bella absolutely refused to get out on the dance floor for anything that wasn't a slow dance, so we spent most of the night at a table with our group of friends. Mike ended up asking Jessica and Tyler had taken Alice. Ben and Angela were there as well and I had seen Rosalie and Emmett with a group of seniors.

Tyler had snuck in some alcohol so he and Mike were pretty buzzed. They were trying to outdo each other on the dance floor with cheesy flashy moves and extremely lame attempts at break dancing. Jessica kept rolling her eyes at Mike and huffing in annoyance, but I could tell she secretly thought he was cute. So did I. He was wearing a dark blue suit with a blue button down underneath and no tie. It really brought out his eyes.

Bella nudged me with her elbow and I realized I was staring. "C'mon," she said. "Let's dance."

It was another slow song. I took her hand and walked with her to the dance floor. She put her arms around my neck while I put mine on her hips and we swayed to the music. I had never slow danced with a girl before tonight. My Mother had signed me up for ballroom dance when I was 13, but this was totally different. It felt nice. She was small and soft and warm pressed up against me. I wrapped my hands further around her waist and pulled her closer.

"Are you having fun?" she asked.

"Yeah, I actually am," I told her. "But I'm kind of ready to leave unless you want to stay." Angela and Ben were already making out on the dance floor and I didn't want to stick around to watch Mike and Jessica start that shit up.

"No, I'm good. We can go after this song."

We said our goodbyes to the group, and after making sure that neither Tyler nor Mike were driving, we left.

"It's kind of early still," Bella said. "Do you want to do anything else? Or we could just hang out at my house for a while and watch a movie or something. My Dad's at work."

"Sure, that sounds good," I said.

I pulled up to her house and parked the car then hurried around to open the passenger side door for her.

"Your Mother would be proud, Edward," she told me with a smirk.

I just smiled back and offered her my arm as I walked her up the front steps. I waited while she unlocked the door then followed her inside.

She suddenly seemed nervous. "Um, I'm just going to run upstairs and change real quick. Make yourself at home."

I went into the living room while she was upstairs changing and took off my jacket, laying it across the back of a chair. I pulled off my tie as well and unbuttoned the top few buttons of my shirt. I kicked off my shoes and sat down to wait on the couch. Much better.

Bella came downstairs a few minutes later. She was wearing grey sweat pants and an oversize Spartans T-shirt.

I pointed at the T-shirt. "A Spartans shirt? You don't seem the type."

She snorted. "Well, you know how Alice gets about school spirit. She'd have me in navy and gold from head to toe if I let her. This is our compromise. And since it's Homecoming and all…" she trailed off smiling.

"Very appropriate," I acknowledged.

"You want to pick out a movie while I make some popcorn?" she asked, gesturing to the shelf next to the TV.

"Sure, that sounds great."

I picked out a comedy and when Bella came back with the popcorn a couple of Cokes, we settled on the couch next to each other to watch it. It was fun and relaxing. She'd make jokes during the movie and I'd make some back and soon we were cracking each other up. When the movie was over, I helped Bella carry our bowls into the kitchen then went back to the living room. "I guess I should get going," I said, sitting down to put on my shoes.

"Okay," Bella responded.

I stood up to get my jacket and suddenly I was nervous. Was I supposed to kiss her? She wasn't really my girlfriend, but we kind of did the whole date thing anyway with the corsage and pictures and everything. Would that be weird? I decided I'd just ask her.

"Am I supposed to kiss you goodnight?" I asked.

Now she looked uncomfortable too. "Um, I don't know," she answered. "Do you want to?" she asked.

I ran my hand through my hair, thinking. "I don't know. I've never actually kissed a girl," I admitted.

"Me either," she replied then rolled her eyes when I snorted. We were both laughing now.

"I mean I've never been kissed at all before," she clarified.

"Well, neither have I. I'm game if you're game," I told her. "That is, if you want your first kiss to be from your gay fake boyfriend."

Now she was really laughing. "I could do worse," she said. "Are you sure you want your first kiss to be from your straight fake girlfriend beard?" she asked.

I cocked my head and smiled, "I could do worse." She smiled back.

"So we're going to do this?" I asked. She looked at me and nodded her head yes.

"Okay," I let out a deep breath. I walked to her and put my hands on her shoulders. She looked even more nervous than I was. "Relax," I told her, trying to will myself to do the same. My heart was pounding.

I leaned down and felt her breath on my face. I saw her eyes flutter closed then I pressed my lips to hers. I moved my mouth so that my lips were caressing her top lip and I felt hers moving against my bottom one. They were soft and warm and felt good against my mouth. I could feel her body close to mine. It was nice. Sweet. I liked it.

I pulled back and saw her lips curve into a small smile. Her eyes were still closed. Her expression made me smile.

"So how was it?" I asked.

She opened her eyes and smiled at me. "It was the best first kiss I've ever had," she told me.

"Me too," I told her grinning. "Do you want to try it again with tongue?"

"Really?" she asked looking surprised and also a little excited.

"Yes, really," I said. "But remember I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Well we're smart people. I'm sure we'll be able to figure it out," she retorted.

"Okay," I replied, leaning towards her again.

Our lips met for the second time and I felt her sigh into my mouth. I reached out my tongue and ran it lightly along her bottom lip. Her mouth opened and I felt her tongue poke out and caress the tip of my own. It was so intimate, but it felt nice. Different, but nice. I felt her arms reach out and wrap around my neck. Her fingers were in the hair at the nape of my neck. That felt good. I pulled her closer to me so that she was pressed against my chest and slid my tongue down the length of hers, sliding against it, wrapping around it. She made a little moaning noise and pulled me even tighter to her. I was getting turned on.

It felt wonderful. God, if it felt this good with Bella, I could just imagine how it would feel with Mike, his hard body pressed against mine, his strong arms wrapped around me, his beautiful mouth pressed against my own, his breath mingling with mine. I felt myself getting hard and pulled Bella even tighter against me, groaning into her mouth. I pressed my erection against her, wanting to feel her as close as possible, not ever realizing what I was doing.

Our tongues were moving more frantically against each other and our breathing was getting heavier. Bella's body was moving against me and I felt her everywhere. Then she was pushing me backwards until the back of my knees bumped against the couch. I fell back into it, pulling her with me. She straddled my lap rubbing up against my erection and I groaned again into her mouth. My hands reached around to grab her ass, holding her tightly against me. God, that felt unbelievable.

The telephone rang loudly startling us both. Bella jumped off my lap and raced to answer it. I just sat there breathing heavily, willing my body to calm the fuck down.

"Hello?" Bella said into the receiver.

"Yes, I'm home… It was fun… Yeah, he's just leaving… Okay, see you tomorrow." Then she hung up.

She walked back to the couch and sat down next to me.

"That was my Dad. Checking to make sure I got home okay."

"I figured," I said.

We sat there not talking for a minute, not exactly sure what to say.

Then she turned to me and asked, "Are you sure you're gay?"

I gave a little laugh. "Yes, I'm sure Bella."

"But you…" she stopped, blushing and looked away from me. I'm pretty sure she was about to ask me about my erection.

"Bella, I'm a seventeen year old guy. That shit's practically automatic," I told her.

"Oh," she said and was quiet again.

Then she turned to me again, asking, "So how was it with tongue?" and we both busted out laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 4 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/05/chapter-4-prince-of-apple-towns.html)


	6. Chapter 5 - Like a Red Flame

**"In ghastly torment sick;  
Within his ribs bloated round,   
A craving Hungry Cavern;   
Thence arose his channeld Throat,   
And like a red flame a Tongue   
Of thirst & of hunger appeard."**

_\- William Blake, "The First Book of Urizen," Chapter IV [b], 11_

* * *

**Chapter 5 – Like A Red Flame**

 

JPOV

I waited for hours before returning to Maria. I wanted to give Peter and Charlotte as much time as possible to put distance between us. While I waited, I went over the possible outcomes in my mind. I was not sure if Maria would follow and track them, but she very well could. I also knew that I had likely signed my own death warrant by allowing them to escape. It wouldn't be today, of that I was almost certain. Maria had six newly turned vampires to work with, and I was a veteran of decades of warfare. She was a skilled fighter, a ruthless adversary, but she was no match for me. No, she'd bide her time and allow me to continue to build and train her new army. Then once I had turned them into skilled assassins, a force of power and destruction, she would turn the weapon I helped to create back on me. I almost felt a sense of relief as I contemplated my future.

I was full of anger towards Maria, and if I examined my feelings more closely, I might have even found that I hated her. She must have known Peter and Charlotte had mated. She said herself she was fully aware of his motivations, yet she ordered Charlotte's death anyway. I still wasn't quite sure why.

She had to have known Peter would fight to defend Charlotte; a vampire would do anything to protect his mate. She had to have known she was forcing me into a situation where I would have to destroy my closest friend in order to comply with her command. My only friend when it came down to it. My relationship with Maria was layered and complex, but I wouldn't call us friends.

I knew she was jealous; I had felt it. When I first saw Peter and Charlotte together, I assumed Maria's jealousy was because Peter preferred another female to her. That, however, didn't seem reason enough for Maria's actions. Was it possible her jealousy had a deeper source? I knew she disliked it when I showed any preference for Peter, but could she really be so small minded as to destroy him over simple jealousy? It was chilling to contemplate. I eventually rejected this line of thought. Her passions ran deep, but she was thoughtful and intelligent, a military strategist more than anything.

Peter had proved time and again how valuable he was as a soldier, how skilled he was at managing the newborns. Why would she create a situation where Peter's death was an almost certainty? Was it that he had mated in the first place, that his attachment to Charlotte could interfere with his decisions during battle? Again, I found this answer to be dissatisfying. I had fought closely with Peter and his mating had completely escaped my notice.

The only answer that made any sense at all was that she was testing my loyalty.

A test I had obviously failed.

Yet, she must have been somewhat sure of me; if I no longer had any loyalty towards her, what would prevent me from turning around and destroying her?

Yes, that was the question.

I played with the thought in my mind, examining it, trying it on for size. In my current state of my mind, the idea had its appeal. But what good would retaliating in anger do? If I destroyed Maria, I really would have nothing. I may have lost faith in her in many ways, but we had been together for decades. I had worshipped her, followed her, pleasured her, and now I perhaps hated her. But I was a soldier; she was my leader. I would stay and fight.

It was all I knew.

Finally, I decided I could not put off the moment any longer. I went to find Maria.

She faced me warily. I could tell by the tenseness in her bearing she was not certain what had transpired.

"It is done?" she asked.

"For the most part," I replied. "Peter and Charlotte have run." I could have lied. I could have let her think they were nothing but ash, like the rest of the soldiers.

I felt a tinge of surprise, sharp disappointment and her sudden intense anger, but her expression didn't change. "And do you intend to go after them?" she asked me.

"I do not," I answered, calmly and quietly.

Her fury was escalating. I suddenly was not sure if she might not attack me today after all.

"So it is your intention to disobey my orders and not only let the female live past her usefulness, but let a traitor escape with impunity?" Her tone of voice was hard and rigid.

Yes, those were exactly my intentions, but I chose to answer indirectly. "They were mated, Maria. You were asking me to kill Peter. I cannot do that."

"Cannot or will not?" she demanded, her voice rising.

"It matters not," I answered, my own voice becoming heated in return. "Peter is my friend. He was a loyal soldier to you. You should never have asked me to kill his mate. You left him no choice!"

"He may have had no choice, but you did, Jasper."

Ah, now we were at the crux of things.

She was moving now, cautiously, assessing whether I planned to attack. "Sometimes we have to make the hard choices."

Her voice was passionate. "Do you think it was easy for me to kill Lucy and Nettie? Do you? I loved them! They were like sisters to me. But they would have turned against me. I could feel it. It broke my heart, but we were at war. Sometimes sacrifices must be made."

She stilled and looked at me appraisingly, "Are you against me now too?"

"No," I stated simply.

"If I choose to follow the traitor and his mate, is it your intention to stop me?" she asked.

"No," I repeated. "But know this, Maria. Peter would not have turned against you. Nor would I. I will follow you into battle. I will train your soldiers. I will re-build your army. But if you insist on tracking them, if you destroy him, I will not forgive you."

Our gazes locked, each of us weighing our choices. I understood that Maria had sought to regain the control over me that had slowly eroded away; she wanted proof of my loyalty and I had been unable to give it to her. She may have been willing to sacrifice Peter, but I was not. I had let her know that I was still her soldier to command, but on my own terms. It was up to her whether she could relinquish control enough to take what I offered.

I wasn't sure she could; however, I was sure she would try, or if necessary pretend, at least until her soldiers were at full fighting capacity. She still needed me.

Her voice and demeanor relaxed, but I could still feel the fury raging just below the surface. I could practically hear the calculations being done in her head. "I will let the traitor and his mate live," she announced. "I will not track them. Let us put this incident behind us and concentrate on training our new soldiers."

"As you wish," I acknowledged, and left the room before I changed my own mind and shredded her to pieces where she stood.

-o-

For the next few months, my time was consumed with training the new soldiers. Maria and I stayed largely out of each other's way. The tension and hostility between us was palpable. I could feel her resentment as she watched me during a one on one skirmish with one of the newborns, knowing she was wishing her forces were battle ready and she wasn't so dependent on my skills.

Although being in such prolonged proximity to so many newborns wore on me – they were extremely emotional and volatile, I welcomed the distraction. The exhausting training we were doing, day after day of drills and fighting then trying to keep the peace in between times kept me from thinking about Peter and Charlotte. When he stood before me, trembling with turmoil, ready to protect his mate, their all encompassing love had crept through my defenses. It seeped through every microscopic crack, like a delicious fragrance through closed doors, relentless and unyielding, unable to be repelled, until it permeated deep into my very being.

My forgotten longings had awoken within me and I wanted to weep as their poignant beauty taunted me with what I could never have.

And once they had awakened, it was impossible to bury them again as I had in the past. In rare quiet moments, they would silently rise to the surface, almost unnoticed until I was overtaken with such a feeling of emptiness I could barely function.

At times such as those, I almost wished we were once again engaged in active warfare so I could lose myself in battle, unleash my frustrations and sorrow on our enemies, feel their piercing teeth on my skin and let the pain consume me.

The time for fighting would come soon enough. We were slowly building back our numbers. In addition to the six newborns Maria had initially turned, we now had an additional eight vampires. I had accompanied her on several trips to assess potential recruits. She was very selective, having discovered that taking more time to choose our soldiers initially meant less time getting them in fighting condition later. Maria preferred young strong officers with intelligence and wit, or sturdy soldiers with stout hearts and strong senses of loyalty. My gift was useful for eliminating weaker willed soldiers, the timid and fearful, the boastful and aggressive.

I had grown to dread these excursions. We would travel for days, Maria and I. Forced to endure each other's company, we were miserable companions, she with the ever-present undercurrent of anger, and I with my ever-growing feelings of melancholy. We had little to say to one another beyond our discussions about whom to turn and add to our ranks.

I studied her as we ran, her long dark hair billowing behind her, the tresses shining in the moonlight, silken strands of midnight. Her face was as beautiful as the day I had first laid eyes on her, an angel's visage, stunning and breathtaking. She moved with a grace and agility that was mesmerizing. It was no wonder I had been nearly immobilized when I first encountered her.

I was still in awe of her in many ways. Not only of her captivating beauty, but her drive, her sense of purpose. The ruthlessness she employed to achieve her goals was impressive and awe-inspiring. I envied her impassioned will to reach her mark. There was no hesitation, no second guessing. She never faltered, never strayed from her path. She saw into the future with clarity of mind, her objectives always straight before her. She would do anything it took to reach them.

I, on the other hand, was adrift. I had once held tightly to Maria's visions, giving myself over to them completely. But the visions no longer held meaning for me. In their place I was left with nothing. No purpose, no meaning… I was empty. Endless days stretched before me, a hollow eternity of struggle and pain. I dreaded these missions, not only for effects of the emotions Maria tried unsuccessfully to hide, but because of the stretches of time I was left to dwell on my own morose thoughts, my unbearable loneliness.

I missed Peter. Even though I had pushed him away, his mere presence had been a comfort. I missed the camaraderie as we worked side by side, training our soldiers. I missed his easy laugh, his smiling eyes. Even as I sank further and further into my melancholic moods, just knowing he was there had been a balm. Now with Maria and I estranged, and Peter gone, I had no one who could ease the ache of solitude.

Finding and turning the soldiers proved to be even more painful than our tense travels. Once we had our targets selected, we would lure them away from their company, so their screams wouldn't raise an alarm. Once I sank my teeth into my victim's neck, all thoughts of building our army would leave my head.

I reveled in the bliss of the warm blood gushing down my throat, the exquisite aroma and taste making my senses soar. My body thrilled with rapturous pleasure. The human's emotions would buffet me with waves of fear and anger, a tumult of confusion and pain that would only heighten my own aroused state. I felt strong and powerful, every cell of my body teeming with awareness as I drained his blood, absorbing his essence into my own.

It was as if in that moment only, I could feel truly alive.

As my victim's struggles lessened and his life ebbed away, I would recall my intended goal. More times than not, it was too late. Only occasionally would I be able to pull back soon enough to allow the change to occur. After decades it still maddened me that I was unable to control my bloodlust.

As I emerged from my trancelike state, in thrall from the taste of blood, I would be repulsed by my very nature. Disgusted at my aroused body, revolted at the memory of how my body pulsed with energy as my victim's life drained away, filled with self loathing at my powerlessness to rein the monster in.

Then I would have to endure Maria's contempt at my inability to complete our simple mission, her anger and frustration, her flashes of malice. I was a disappointment to her and she didn't hesitate to let me know it. Gone were the days when she tried to shield her feelings entirely from me.

I made up for my transgressions by keeping watch over our new recruits during their change, sparing Maria from the task. Their burning agony would wash over me, anointing me with their pain, filling my emptiness with their suffering. Their anguish consumed my mind, driving out all but their blazing affliction, leaving no room for my own tormented thoughts. For days I would sit with them, watching their bodies writhe in agony, feeling the scorching lashes as the flames whipped through them, their burning flesh a scourge against my troubled mind.

As I used to lose myself in the pleasures of the flesh, now I disappeared into a conflagration of pain.

Soon enough our soldiers were battle ready and our enemies had recovered from their previous losses. I relished the return to fighting, closing my mind to all but the current conflict. Raging against those who sought to defeat us, I would loose the monster within.

As before, I was a formidable enemy. No one could withstand my lethal assault; annihilation followed inevitably in my wake. I was reckless and fearless, awesome and terrible. I incited my opponents, taking unnecessary risks. I threw myself into melees where I was vastly outnumbered. I taunted death, goading it to take me down. But still I stood, an invincible demon of night. A terrifying nightmare of fury and destruction.

When the fighting was over, I was assaulted by the arousals of our victorious soldiers. Their feral couplings were immediate and raw, staggering in their intensity. I'd find myself running again, coming down from my battle high and overwhelmed by the urge to flee. Yet no matter how fast or how far I ran, I could not escape the emptiness that consumed me.

Time passed. Our war waged on. When we were between battles, I began to withdraw from everyone. I no longer trained the soldiers or used my gift to control them; I left their management to Maria. It had been several years now since Peter had left, and each one was more difficult than the last. I tried not to think about the endless stretch of years laid out before me, but as an immortal, I had infinite moments to ponder the boundless road of time. Thinking about the future only served to depress me further. I bemoaned the curse of my eternal life.

Maria no longer took any care to conceal her emotions from me. She had long since given up trying to understand my deteriorating state of mind. The fear and distrust I had previously felt from her had given way to outright malice and hatred. That she planned to destroy me was a certainty.

I welcomed the idea.

I expected it to happen soon. Maria was off on another recruiting mission, accompanied by several of her stronger soldiers. I was in my room, sitting on the floor, my back against the wall. My arms rested on my bent knees and my head hung low between them. I had been there for days, trapped in my black thoughts.

I heard movement in the next room and was flooded with a sense of relief. It would soon be over. The escape I had craved for so long was here at last. I knew that the minute I was attacked, my instincts would take over and I would fight until I was overpowered. I trusted Maria to be thorough and prepared.

It was time.

The door swung open and I heard footsteps enter the room. I kept my head bent low. The thought of my imminent death left me feeling almost peaceful for the first time in decades. My shoulders relaxed and I slowly raised my head to view the instrument of my deliverance.

I blinked in confusion as I met a familiar pair of warm shining eyes.

"Peter?"

Then he was kneeling on the floor in front of me, his arms wrapping around my shoulders, pulling me into his embrace. I could feel his shock and concern at the state he found me in, but underneath it all, there was a strong current of love. I recognized it for what it was this time, even though I didn't deserve to be at the receiving end of such a gift.

"Jasper," he whispered into my hair, and I felt his lips on the top of my head.

I clutched him to me, burying my face in his neck as my body shuddered and wracking sobs tore through me. The affectionate nature of his touch was so foreign to me, so devastating in its tenderness that I felt I might shatter. It had been so long since I had been touched with anything other than hatred or pain.

He held me close, rocking me gently, murmuring words of comfort in my ear. He rubbed my back as I tried to gain control of myself. "Shhh," he whispered. "Shhh. Everything will be all right. Shhh." I could only tremble as I fell apart in his arms.

When I was finally able to speak, I looked up at him and asked, "What are you doing here, Peter? It's too dangerous for you to be here." He was so beautiful, still.

He took my hands in his own and squeezed them gently as he looked me in the eyes.

"I'm here for you, Jasper. I came back for you."

-o-

It had been weeks since Peter returned for me. He had told me of another life, one free of conflict and strife. In the north vampires did not live as those in the south. There was no war, no territory to defend. They stayed out of each other's way and coexisted peacefully. He and Charlotte had been traveling together for over five years and had yet to engage in even a single fight.

One conversation was all it took to convince me and I left with him without a backward glance.

Charlotte had remained in the north while Peter had come to find me. They thought it would be more dangerous to enter Maria's territory together. As we traveled, we spoke little. Peter would eye me appraisingly, and I could feel his ongoing concern, but he didn't pry, letting me set the pace of any conversation. I was content to simply be in his presence.

As we neared their current home, I could feel Peter's anxiousness and his eager anticipation. His eyes lit up and that ready smile danced across his lips. When Charlotte opened the door, rushing to greet him, I could feel their love radiating outward. As it had the day they stood before me preparing to die, their love seeped into every fiber of my being, causing a habitual ache deep inside me. I wanted to weep at its beauty. Again I felt that familiar urge to run. I resisted, tamping it down, staying rooted as Charlotte approached me after greeting her lover with a passionate kiss.

This was the first time I had really looked at her, although I had trained her and fought with her for over a year. She was straight and slim, with soft brown curls around her face. She glowed with happiness. Her eyes held that same warmth that Peter's always had and her full lips were curved into a smile. It put me at ease. She reached out and took my hands in hers. I flinched at her touch.

"Jasper, welcome to our home. I am forever in your debt for what you did for us that day. I cannot thank you enough. I want you to know you will always have a place with us. You will always be welcome." Then she removed her hands to slip her arms around my waist, squeezing me in a hug. She reached up on her toes to place a soft kiss against my cheek. "Always," she whispered. I froze in surprise, still unaccustomed to affectionate gestures.

Peter noticed my discomfort and pulled Charlotte away from me, wrapping her in his arms, her back against his chest. He smiled at me, that gentle smile I remembered so well. I couldn't stand the feelings that were coursing through me. It was too much after all the time I had spent alone, all the years I had spent mired in hatred. Each touch was like a burning lash against my skin, each smile a stabbing wound to my heart. The blazing glory of their love only emphasized the cold emptiness within me.

I needed to get away, needed some time alone, time to regroup, to pull myself together.

"Thank you for the welcome, Charlotte. I am glad to be here," I said, smiling at her. "You two were apart for quite some time because of me. Let me take my leave of you and give you some privacy to reconnect with one another."

I nodded at Peter and he smiled sadly in understanding. Then, before I broke down completely, I turned and hurried out into the darkness.

That first night was the hardest, although I still found it difficult to be around such joy. They tried to be considerate in my presence, sensing that their affection caused me discomfort, but they couldn't stop their shy glances, from stealing small touches whenever they were near one another. Their inhibited behavior filled me with guilt.

Peter eventually confronted me. I had tried to hide the extent of my misery, but he was always too perceptive.

"Jasper," he said. "I can't stand to see you so tormented. If I had known how bad it had gotten for you, I would have returned sooner. I just didn't know." He looked upset.

Again I felt a stab of guilt. It was enough that I had to suffer; Peter shouldn't have to experience any distress because of my moodiness too. I thought perhaps I should leave. Let them have their happiness without the constraint of my pain.

"Can you talk to me?" he asked. "Can you let me in? Give me the opportunity to try and help you."

I sighed heavily, looking off into the distance.

"You have helped me, Peter. You brought me here, away from the wars, away from the fighting. I never would have known such a life was possible."

"Jasper, please," he entreated. "I haven't pushed. But you have to know what a shock it was to see you in Mexico. You looked like you had given up, like you were just waiting to… to die." His voice had trailed off into a whisper and I heard it break at the end. I couldn't look at him.

"It's been weeks," he continued after a moment, "And you're still so… sad. I thought once you had some time away from Maria, away from our old life, you would begin to come back to me. Jasper, tell me what I can do. Talk to me. Please."

I turned to look at him. His eyes were sad and so full of the love I felt from him that I almost couldn't hold his gaze. I was a monster, hideous and unworthy. Nothing but a killer, a bearer of death. How could he care about me? I did not deserve his affections.

In his uncanny way, Peter seemed to know what I was thinking. "You do deserve my love, Jasper. You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve it all. You gave me my life back. I love Charlotte more than I could ever imagine and you gave her back to me when I thought all was lost."

He moved closer to me, putting his hand on the back of my neck, leaning forward to press his forehead against mine. "I love Charlotte with all my heart," he said softly. "But I loved you first," then he pressed his lips against mine in a chaste kiss.

"I always will."

I closed my eyes feeling the truth of his words. They settled over me like a blanket of sorrow.

"I never stopped thinking about you," he continued. "Never stopped worrying, or wondering. Charlotte finally convinced me I needed to find you and bring you back."

He pulled back from me, studying my face. "And here you are. But you're not really here, are you? What happened Jasper? Tell me. What can I do?"

I paused for a long moment, not sure how to answer him. I didn't really understand it myself. I only knew I was empty, and lost, and I hated myself.

"I don't know, Peter," I finally said. "I'm tired, and empty. And I try to be happy, but I just ache inside. I don't know how to fix it." I answered him truthfully.

"I think maybe I should go off on my own and leave you two…"

"No!" He interrupted me, his voice ringing out as he grabbed my arm. He composed himself and spoke again in a more even tone, "No, Jasper. Please stay. At least for a while. Give it some time." He looked up at me imploringly. "I'm not ready to lose you again."

And when he looked at me like that, how could I deny him?

We settled in to a life together, Charlotte, Peter and I. They were devoted mates and I took comfort in Charlotte's ardent love for him, a sentiment he wholeheartedly returned. She had given him what I could not and he projected a contentment that was gratifying to observe. She had held true to her pledge to me, that I would always be welcome in their lives. I never once felt that they'd prefer to be alone, without a brooding, moody vampire third wheel. Charlotte seemed to hold no jealousy over the fact that Peter and I had once been lovers. Indeed, she seemed to take pleasure in Peter's obvious affection for me. He was happy I was here; therefore, she was happy as well.

I loved them both, as much as I was able, in my own broken, pitiful way.

As the days and months and years wore on I could feel Peter's puzzlement and growing sadness and worry at my continued depression. His affection never wavered and I knew he wished he could somehow pull me out of despondent state. I didn't understand it myself. Life in the north was peaceful. My days were no longer filled with warfare and fighting and constant death. Yet I was as full of self loathing as ever, as empty and hollow as the day I left Mexico.

One day after we returned from a hunt, Peter remarked to me, "It's always worse after, isn't it?"

I didn't understand what he was referring to. "After what?" I asked.

"After hunting," he clarified. "Your depression. It gets worse after we hunt."

I thought about it for a few moments. Hunting had always been a mixture of pleasure and pain for me—the exquisite taste of blood commingled with the chaotic emotions of my prey. The rapturous bliss juxtaposed with the monstrous self loathing.

"You experience their deaths with them, don't you?" Peter asked me.

"Yes," I replied, "It's always been that way." I recalled the eyes of the angry soldier I had first feasted upon as a newborn, eyes that haunted me with each new victim I chose. Even decades later, I could hear the crunch of his bones, his anguished screams as if it were yesterday. I had accepted long ago that this was a cross I must bear. What choice did I have?

Peter's query had me analyzing each hunt, as if I could finally unravel the mystery of my prolonged depression. Although I had escaped from the violence of war, I had not escaped an eternity of killing. I doubted true peace would ever be mine.

I realized that I would never find solace here, even amongst friends. It would be better if I went off alone. Peter and Charlotte deserved some freedom from my dour moods. Although Peter had stopped me once before when I suggested I leave, I was determined that this time the outcome would be different. He had pulled me from the brink of the abyss years ago, but I felt myself slipping further and further towards that edge. I saw my future stretching before me. I would grow more and more despondent, as I had in Mexico, and eventually I would revert to an almost catatonic state. I didn't want Peter to have to witness that, to suffer as I knew he would, helpless to stay my slow descent into darkness.

Peter approached me before I could bring up my departure to him.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" he asked accusingly. His eyes were sad and full of grief. I could barely stand to look at them.

"Yes," I answered softly. I pulled Peter into an embrace, holding his strong body tightly to my chest. I buried my face in his neck, breathing in his scent. I would miss him.

"I'm grateful to you and Charlotte. I truly am. But I can't stay. I'll only grow worse over time. Something needs to change. If I leave, maybe I'll someday find a new path. A way that offers me peace." I lied, knowing there was no hope for me.

Peter grabbed on to the suggestion immediately. "That's all I want for you, Jasper. I wish I could take all your pain away. I wish I could give you peace."

"You've already given me so much, Peter. You and Charlotte both," I assured him.

He pulled back from my embrace and stared at me intently.

"Promise me something, Jasper. Will you do that?" he asked seriously.

"What is it?" I enquired.

"You must promise me. Promise me that you will not go seeking death. I won't be able to let you go if I think you're just running away to die somewhere alone." As he spoke his voice dropped to an anguished whisper.

"You must promise me," he repeated urgently.

I pondered his question for a moment. Could I do that for him? Could I make that promise? I felt his agony the minute I hesitated in answering his question. Crushing guilt weighted me down. I had already caused him so much pain; I couldn't cause him more. I knew I would agree to his request no matter what it might cost me later.

"I promise, Peter," I told him earnestly. "I promise."

Relief washed over him immediately and I took comfort that I could at least give him this. He pulled me back to him, wrapping his arms around me, holding me close. "Thank you, Jasper," he murmured. I just held him tightly, memorizing the feel of his body, the smell of his skin. I didn't know if I would ever see him again.

I slipped out during the night without saying goodbye. I wasn't sure I would be able to bear feeling their sadness, or their love. Especially their love. I could barely tolerate my own emotions.

I wandered alone for decades, a specter of pain, a wraith of the night. Occasionally I would come across another vampire, but when they saw my battle scarred form, my haunted visage, they reacted with fear and steered clear of me.

As I predicted, my depression continued to worsen over time. Peter's observation about my hunting had proved to be all too accurate. When I fed, I'd be brought back to the night outside of Galveston, back to when I was a young Confederate soldier, strong and able, idealistic and proud. As my victims took in my otherworldly face, my inhuman beauty, I could see my own awe as I first stared at Maria reflected back in their eyes. As their life drained, filling me with their warmth, their spark, I was temporarily able to forget my miserable existence, forget that I was a hideous monster, a soulless demon, a nightmare of terror, wandering the earth for all eternity.

But of course the forgetting was fleeting and the memories of countless agonized eyes, angry and afraid remained, tormenting me with the reminder of my evil nature. No matter how far I traveled, how long I wandered, I could not escape from myself.

In desperation I attempted to go without feeding. As the weeks passed, the burning in my throat increased, tormenting me with thirst. I grew weak and confused. I sat on the edge of a river beneath a willow tree, its long arms surrounding me, cradling me in its embrace. I was hidden from view within the cave of its branches. I don't know how much time had passed, the days and nights running into one another as the sun rose and set over and over and over again. My mind wandered, my daydreams and reality blending together until I couldn't tell one from the other.

I saw two boys on the edge of a riverbank, their horses tied to a tree nearby. They were laughing as they threw their strings into the water, enticing the catfish in the mud below to sample their tasty lures.

One let out a loud whoop of excitement and started pulling his line in, reaching hand over hand, his arms straining until a large fish emerged through the surface, its body thrashing violently in the water.

"Look at the size of it, Jasper!" the boy called out in an animated voice. "I think it's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Nice catch, little brother," the other boy replied as he moved to help haul the enormous fish in. "I know what's for dinner tonight!"

As I sat and watched the scene play out before me, the wind shifted and my body seized in a burning agony as a delicious scent wafted by. Instinctively, my body curled into a defensive crouch.

I crept from my hiding place beneath the willow and looked out from between its branches. Two boys were by the water, laughing and playing. I shook my head in confusion. They were smaller than they appeared just a few minutes ago. Instead of blonde curls, their heads were topped with straight sandy brown hair. I heard a splash, but instead of seeing the struggling catfish, I saw a large stone being thrown into the water.

Then the wind blew again, sending the irresistible aroma to me once more. Crazed with hunger, I leapt at one of the boys, savagely sinking my teeth into his neck and slaking my burning thirst with his glorious blood.

The other boy screamed in terror, leaping on my back and circling his arms around my neck, futilely trying to pull me from my meal. I threw down the lifeless body of the first and turned on my attacker, draining him dry in minutes.

I dropped his body when I was finished and stood there panting, my body singing in relief as their blood coursed through me. Then I looked down at their broken, lifeless forms, which moments ago had been laughing and playing at river's edge.

They were so small. Their arms so thin. They were just boys. Children.

What had I done?

I fell to my knees, leaning over into the grass as my body seized in horror, expelling the blood from my stomach onto the ground.

I don't know how long I knelt there. I was numb. Frozen. I felt moisture on my face and realized it had started to rain. The burning ache in my throat consumed all thought, having been teased with relief then thwarted only moments later.

I watched the precipitation fall from the sky, washing the blood off the blades of grass around me. I panicked seeing it rinse away and my hunger took over. Like an animal, lost to reason, I frantically rubbed my hands through the grass, coating my fingers with the boys' spilled blood. I brought my fingers to my mouth and licked them ravenously. Again and again I scooped up every last drop I could find, desperate and starving and savage and wild.

When the rain had washed the last of the blood away, I collapsed on the ground. I lay there, watching the willow weep as her branches swayed in the wind, dipping into the river as if to wash its fingers in the water below.

Mine could never come clean.

After that day by the river I never again went so long between meals. I learned how far I could push myself, how hungry I could allow myself to get without my mind going cloudy and my starved body overwhelming all rational thought.

I sank further and further into despair, once again lamenting the promise I had made to Peter so many decades ago. I longed to run south, back to a place of war, a place of death. I longed to lose myself in pain, feel my limbs ripped from my body and burn on a towering pyre. I longed for nothingness.

My loneliness grew unbearable. I'd find myself lingering closer to towns, desperate to be in contact with other beings, even if it was just to watch them from afar. I began to venture out during daytime, when clouds were in the sky, to indulge in little interactions. I would buy a newspaper or a cup of coffee in a diner, never drinking it, but reveling in the sound of the waitress' voice addressing me, the brief touch of her hand as I reached out to pay. I didn't deserve such moments of pleasure, but I took them anyway.

I was in Philadelphia making my way to a diner I had seen advertised. It was raining, so I could avoid being seen in sunlight. I hadn't eaten in some time and my eyes were black as night. I found it hard to be amongst humans when I was so hungry, but it was the only time my eyes were dark enough to not cause alarm. As I entered the diner, I smelled her immediately. A vampire sat at the counter, her back to the door. She was tiny with short black hair. I immediately tensed, unsure what to do.

She turned to me and smiled. I was taken aback. I was used to others of my kind fearing me, my violent past apparent from the myriad of scars I wore. Instead of fear, she radiated happiness and excitement.

I watched her jump off the stool and walk towards me her hand extended. I was frozen in place, mesmerized by her unusual eyes. They weren't red or even black, but a rich golden color. Beautiful. I had never seen anything like them.

She stopped in front of me and spoke. "You've kept me waiting a long time, Major Whitlock," she said with a smile. She looked at me like we were old friends.

I was brought back to another lifetime, when a dark haired beauty stood on the road to Galveston, a hand outstretched for mine. And like that time before, my southern manners still ingrained after all these years, I reached for her hand, taking it in mine, saying, "I'm sorry, Ma'am."

And for the first time in almost a century, I felt hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 5 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/05/chapter-5-like-red-flame.html)


	7. Chapter 6 - The Sidewalks of Life

**"It seems only yesterday I used to believe  
there was nothing under my skin but light.  
If you cut me I could shine.  
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,  
I skin my knees. I bleed."**

_\- Billy Collins, "On Turning Ten," l. 28-32_

* * *

**Chapter 6 – The Sidewalks of Life**

 

EPOV

After Homecoming, Bella and I were firmly established as Forks High's latest couple. We were the center of attention and the subject of the latest gossip for about a day before things settled back to normal. We continued our whispered conversations during Biology and sat together at lunch, with the only difference being that Bella sat next to me instead of Mike and Mike began focusing his flirtatious charms on Jessica who gave him a far better response than Bella ever had.

I had worried that things would be awkward between us after our kiss—well, it was actually far more than a kiss—but they weren't. Bella and I were just as comfortable with each other as we had always been. In fact, we'd made out several more times since that night, usually after I dropped her off after we joined the gang for a movie, or after a game or something. It was a lot of fun; we both enjoyed having someone to practice on. We'd also taken to holding hands when we walked to class together. To outside eyes, we appeared to be an actual couple, but Bella and I knew that we were just friends.

When football season ended, I finally got to spend the time more time with Mike after school. Our baseball coach started our strength conditioning in winter, so we'd be ready when spring rolled around. I'd meet Mike in the weight room and we'd spot each other as we lifted. I heard way more than I ever wanted to hear about Mike and Jessica's sexual exploits, but for those afternoons it was me he was spending time with, me he was touching as he knelt on my feet as I did crunches, me he was talking to and smiling at and joking around with.

I loved watching his muscles ripple as he worked out. He was stronger than I was, but I was faster. He'd lie on weight bench with his arms over his head; his shirt would ride up and expose the skin at his waist, a small trail of hair disappearing into his shorts. His skin still held a slight tan somehow, all golden and beautiful, and I just wanted to run my tongue across it. When he'd lift the weights off the stand, he'd grunt and his neck would strain and I'd imagine that's what he'd look and sound like if he were bending over me. It was the sweetest torture. After our workout, I'd go home to shower so I could jack off to images of Mike, hot and straining and covered in sweat.

In December Mr. Banner finally assigned us our take home Biology project. It was a nice chunk of our grade, so I knew we'd be spending a good bit of time on it. If I hadn't seen so much of Mike lately, I might have felt resentful again of having Bella as my partner instead of him, but I knew the project would be easy to get done with her and I did like hanging out together. We arranged to get started Thursday after school at my house, since I didn't have training that day.

Once we settled on a topic and divvied up the responsibility, we decided to pop in a movie. Mom had called to tell me she and Dad were both going to be late tonight and I could either thaw some leftovers out of the freezer or order a pizza for dinner. Pizza it was! I asked Bella if she wanted to stay and she agreed since her Dad was still at work. I grabbed a couple of Cokes and brought them back into the family room while we waited for the pizza to arrive.

Once we had pigged out, Bella collapsed back on the coach, holding her hand over her stomach, groaning.

"Ugh, I can't believe I ate so much. I'm stuffed. I wish I was wearing my sweats," she said as she popped the button at the waistband of her jeans.

"Bella, seriously. You don't have to get naked for me just because I fed you. What kind of guy do you think I am, anyway?"

"The asshole kind, apparently," she countered smoothly. "If I wasn't too full to move, I'd reach over and smack the shit out of you."

"Kinky!" I grinned, wagging my eyebrows at her.

"Shut up and put the movie back on," she demanded. "I need to just sit here and digest for a few minutes."

There were only about 15 minutes left of the movie. Once it was over, I turned to Bella and asked, "So you wanna make out for a while before my parents get home?"

"Sure," she answered with a grin. "But you'll have to come over here. I still can't move."

I crawled over to where she was sitting on the couch and straddled her legs with my knees. I placed my hands on either side of her head, bracing myself against the cushions on the back of the couch. I leaned over and kissed her, pressing my lips against hers and running my tongue softly along her bottom lip. Her own tongue came out taste mine then she pulled away, humming with a smile, "Mmmmm. Pepperoni. You taste delicious."

I laughed softly and ran my tongue along her jaw up to her ear. I sucked the lobe into my mouth, then snaked my tongue around the shell of her ear, ending with an open mouthed kiss on the side of her neck, flicking my tongue lightly against the skin before gently pressing my teeth into her. I felt her shiver slightly. After our several make-out sessions, we had both started to learn what felt the best. I looked forward to the day when I could try out all my new knowledge on a guy.

"Mmm. You taste delicious too," I told her.

She reached out to pull me back to her mouth and her fingers slipped under my shirt. Her hands felt wonderful against my skin as she ran them up and down my sides. I imagined what they would feel like if they were rougher and larger and stronger. If they were Mike's.

Our kisses grew more intense as we explored each other's mouths. She removed her hands from underneath my shirt and gripped my thighs, running them up and down in circles, her thumbs grazing closer and closer to my crotch with each pass. I could feel my dick getting harder as her hands teased me with their nearness.

I leaned over to kiss her neck again, sucking gently on the skin and licking and nibbling under her jaw. She moaned and arched her head back, tilting her pelvis up underneath me. I felt her hand leave my thigh then she placed it right over my erection, giving it a small squeeze through my jeans. I groaned and panted into her neck as my hips jerked into her hand. I reached my hand down to grab her wrist.

"What are you doing, Bella," I whispered into her neck.

"I'm touching you," she whispered back. "Doesn't it feel good?"

Of course it felt good. Her hand was squeezing my dick. "Fuck yes it does," I said, pulling back to look her in the eyes. She just stared back at me. "We should stop, Bella. This isn't right." We had never gone this far before. Experimenting with kissing was one thing, but if we were going to go further than that, we should probably talk about it first.

"Why not?" she asked, giving me another squeeze. God that felt good. "We're not hurting anyone."

And when she stroked me again through my jeans, I couldn't remember why we shouldn't be doing this. She was right. We weren't hurting anyone. We were just trying out what felt good on each other. I let go of her wrist.

She rubbed back and forth over my erection and I closed my eyes, loving the feeling of her hand on my cock.

"Can I see it?" she whispered shyly.

"You want to look at my dick?" I asked her, getting even harder at the thought.

"Yes. I've never seen one before. Please, Edward?"

I leaned back, looking into her eyes for a moment before making my decision. I reached for my jeans, unbuttoning them and pulling the zipper down. I pushed the waistband of my boxer briefs down and freed my erection. It stood straight and proud between us.

I watched Bella as she stared at my massive hard on.

"It's pretty," she said, her voice slightly tinged with awe.

I snorted.

"I didn't expect it to be so big," she said next. Now that was more like it. She looked up at me. "Can I touch it?"

God, was she trying to kill me? "Yes, you can touch it," I choked out.

She reached out her hand tentatively and ran it softly up my length. I sucked in a breath as my dick bobbed in reaction to her touch.

"It's so soft," she whispered, as she ran her hand up and down me again, caressing the underside then circling her fingers around me and giving me a long stroke.

I grabbed her wrist again. She looked up at me in surprise. "Did I do it wrong? Didn't that feel good?"

"Yes, that felt good," I said, my voice straining. "You're going to make me come, Bella."

"Really?" she asked in an excited voice. "Can I watch?"

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath then I opened them to look at her. I gave her a nod, letting go of her wrist.

She smiled then reached out her hand to circle me again, giving me another long slow stroke. She brought her other hand to join the first and wrapped it around my head.

"It's sticky," she said curiously. I just nodded, not trusting myself to speak. As many times as I had jacked off, it was nothing compared to the sensation of having someone else's hands on my dick. I didn't really care right then that it was a girl touching me; it just felt good. Really good.

I reached my hands down to cover hers, showing her what I liked, moving one hand to stroke my balls and running my thumb across my head with the other hand, spreading the pre-cum over me. She watched intently as I stroked up and down, flicking my wrist as I came to the head. After studying my movements for a few minutes, she pushed my hands away and continued to stroke me. My hips were starting to thrust in time to her movements and my breathing was becoming labored as I tried to control my reaction.

I could feel my balls tightening and a familiar tingling in my belly. My entire body felt like it was on fire. "I'm going to come, Bella," I panted.

She continued with her movements as if she hadn't heard me, stroking and touching and caressing my cock. I leaned back and cried out as I exploded in her hand, thick streams of cum shooting onto my belly. Again and again I pulsed in pleasure, my cries continuing until I was spent.

I collapsed forward towards Bella, taking her lips in a passionate kiss, biting her bottom lip gently as I came down from my high. She pulled away and nuzzled my face. I could tell she was smiling. "Thanks, Edward," she said.

I choked out a laugh. "Shouldn't I be thanking you?" I gasped, still trying to catch my breath.

Finally, I was able to lean back and look at her. She was grinning as she stared back at me. "That was insanely hot," she declared in a low voice.

"Yeah?" I asked, smiling back.

"Oh yeah," she said with conviction.

By the time my parents got home I had changed my shirt and cleaned up and we were both sitting on the couch munching on popcorn while a movie played.

When Christmas break rolled around, Bella and I made plans to meet on Monday, so we could work on our project together. That Sunday evening, my Dad took me into his office for a talk.

"Son," he began and I knew what was coming. He usually called me by my name unless he was about to impart Dad wisdom. "You know how proud of you your Mother and I are."

I nodded, inwardly steeling myself for the discomfort that would soon follow.

"You know we trust you to make good decisions. We could have arranged to have you stay with someone this week while we're at work, but you know we both think you're old enough to be home by yourself.

"I just want to make sure that you're clear on the rules and what your Mother and I expect.

"It's fine to have Bella over to work on your project, but you are under no circumstances to have sex under our roof."

I could feel my face turning red. This was torture.

"Geez, Dad. Bella and I aren't having sex!" I blurted out, trying to end this conversation as soon as possible. Hand jobs didn't count.

"Well, that's good to know, son," my Dad acknowledged. "But I was a seventeen year old boy once and I wouldn't be doing my job as a Father if I didn't have this talk with you."

He reached inside his desk drawer and pulled out a box. "When you do decide to have sex, and I hope it's far, far into the future, I want you to promise me that you'll be safe." Then he handed me a box of condoms. Could someone die from embarrassment?

"I promise," I choked out, taking the box. "Are we done now?"

"We're done," he answered. He looked as relieved as I was that this conversation was over.

The next day Bella arrived around 10AM and after we worked on our project for a few hours, we took a break for some lunch. I made us a couple of sandwiches and we sat at the counter of the kitchen island to eat.

I brought up my embarrassing conversation with my Dad last night. "My Dad gave me the talk last night," I laughed. "Under no circumstances are we allowed to have sex under their roof. God, it was so embarrassing. I looked like you I was blushing so hard!"

She laughed and hit my arm. "Asshole. Well, technically, I'm actually at Angela's right now," she told me. "There's no way Charlie would let me be alone with a teenaged boy if he knew his parents weren't home."

"Ooh! Such a rebel," I teased. Bella was as straight laced as they came.

"Shut up," she said, smiling.

"It gets worse," I continued.

"Oh yeah? Let's hear it."

"He handed me a box of condoms and made me promise to be safe," I told her, laughing.

"Oh my God. I would die."

"I know," I said, laughing. "It was mortifying."

"I can imagine." We were both cracking up.

"Hey, Edward," she said after a minute, grabbing onto my arm, "Do you want to go try them out?"

I froze and stopped laughing.

Next she was laughing so hard tears were pouring down her face. "Oh my God! You should have seen your face!" she practically screamed in hysterics. She was doubled over, grabbing her stomach with one hand and pointing at me with the other. "It was the funniest thing I've ever seen."

"God, shut up!" I laughed back, rolling my eyes.

"Geez, Edward. I'm not that desperate," she said, still laughing at me.

"Thanks a lot, bitch. You didn't seem to think I was so horrible the other week when you were practically begging to touch my cock," I said smugly, with a smirk. I guess all those years of hanging out with Mike and Tyler were finally rubbing off on me.

"Fuck you, Edward. It's not like you didn't enjoy it," she was still laughing. "I bet I could have _you_ begging for me to touch it now that you know what my magic hands can do." Obviously, she had been spending too much time with Mike too.

"Oh sure, you jack one guy off and now you're some kind of expert," I said sarcastically.

"Well, they do say practice makes perfect," she grinned while reaching over to grab my crotch.

"Jesus, Bella!" I said, jumping. "You have to stop doing that!"

"Why? Don't you like it?" she asked innocently, moving her hand back and forth, knowing from my growing erection that I did.

"That's not the point," I protested, not moving her hand.

"What is the point, Edward?" she asked.

"Bella, I'm gay," I started seriously. "You're supposed to be my _fake_ girlfriend. I'd feel like I was using you if I let you do that again."

"Maybe I'm using you," she countered. "Maybe I don't want to go to college never having done anything and being the most inexperienced girl in the dorm. I don't see anything wrong with trying a few things out with each other. You liked it. I liked doing it. It's not hurting anybody.

"You can even close your eyes and pretend I'm Mike for all I care," she added, not knowing that's exactly what I had done when I re-lived the experience of her hands on my dick each time I had jacked off since it had happened.

"You're very convincing," I said uncertainly, as her hands continued to rub over the bulge in my pants.

"If it will make you feel better, I'll let you get me off too," she offered with a wicked grin.

"Oh, you will, will you?" I asked smiling.

"Yeah," she answered. Then she used the hand that wasn't on my dick to grab my hand and bring it to her boob. "And I'll even let you do me first."

"That's very generous of you," I said, giving her breast an experimental squeeze.

"Isn't it though? And I won't even expect you to call me in the morning. It's ideal," she added.

"Now how can I resist that logic?" I asked, leaning over to kiss her.

That afternoon I learned that we both liked having our nipples licked and sucked and played with, that my fingers could make Bella writhe and pant and moan, and that when I closed my eyes and imagined it was Mike stroking me, it was even better than the first time she did it.

On Tuesday we went to the movies with the gang and we made out in the dark theater as I tried to ignore the noises coming from Mike and Jessica. I felt Bella up and she groped my dick through my jeans.

On Wednesday, we spent the entire day finishing our project so we could have more time to experiment during the remaining days of our break. It was New Year's Eve, and my parents would be off tomorrow, so that only left Friday where we'd be left in relative unsupervised freedom. I stayed home with my parents that evening and we toasted the New Year with glasses of champagne.

Thursday Mike came over to hang out, since his parents' store was closed and he didn't have to work. We played video games all afternoon. He asked me how things were going with Bella and slapped me on the back with a "Way to go, Eddie," when I couldn't keep the grin off my face as I answered, "They're going really well." I didn't even want to stop and think about how painfully odd it was to have a bonding moment with Mike over a girl.

On Friday Bella and I were kissing and half naked on the couch within minutes of her arrival. Our shirts were on the floor and I was lying half on top of her, pressing my erection into her. Her legs were tangled up in mine.

I felt her pushing my shoulders back and I pulled away to look at her questioningly.

"Sit back," she directed, still pushing on my shoulders until I climbed off her and sat back on the couch.

She moved to kneel on the ground before me saying, "I just want to try something."

She reached up to unbutton my jeans and started tugging on them. I lifted my hips to help and then I was sitting there naked except for my underwear.

"What are you doing, Bella?" I asked.

"I want to put it in my mouth," she answered.

The thought of her mouth on my cock sent a shock of excitement through me.

"Bella, I don't know if I can reciprocate," I told her. "That might be too weird for me." I really wanted to know what a blow job would feel like—I had fantasized about it often enough, but I wanted to be fair. I wasn't sure I could go down on her.

"I don't mind, Edward," she told me. "I wish I had a dick you could practice on too, but you can let me know what feels good and then when you finally find a guy to be with, you'll at least know what you like."

"You always have an answer for everything, don't you," I said with a laugh.

"It's not just for you. I want to learn how to do it. I don't want to suck at it."

I snorted at her choice of words.

"Shut up. You know what I mean," she said with a laugh.

"Well, I'd never be able to face the guys if they ever found out I turned down a blow job," I said with a smile, sliding my boxer briefs down my legs.

Bella leaned in and grasped my cock in her hand, giving it a few firm strokes then she leaned over to lick the head of my penis which was covered in pre-cum. Her tongue dipped into my slit as she tasted me.

"It's salty," she remarked, looking up at me. I just swallowed, trying to remain still so I didn't grab her head and force her mouth down around my cock.

She leaned in again and ran her tongue along the underside of my cock, licking it all the way to the tip. She ran her tongue across the head again.

"Does that feel good?" she asked me, pulling away.

"Yes," I answered in a strained voice.

Next she took the entire head into her mouth, swirling her tongue around it over and over. I had died and gone to heaven. I leaned my head back and shut my eyes, groaning, enjoying the feel of her wet hot mouth around my sensitive flesh. This was a hundred times better than a hand job.

I started to imagine it was Mike's mouth then shut those thoughts down immediately. I'd come in seconds if I continued in that direction. Instead I opened my eyes to watch Bella again, seeing her plump lips around my penis and her dark eyes staring into mine.

"Does that feel good?" she asked again.

"Yes, that feels good," I answered breathlessly.

She licked up and down my shaft again, her hands running over my thighs. I could feel her thumbs grazing my balls with each pass. Then she took my dick into her mouth again, moving her lips further and further down my cock until I thought I'd explode right then.

She started to suck on me and I felt my hips buck in response before I could stop them. I heard her gag and then she quickly pulled off me completely, her eyes watering a bit.

"God, I'm sorry, Bella," I quickly apologized. "I couldn't help it."

"That's ok, Edward," she assured me. "I just wasn't expecting it."

"Did it feel good?" she asked.

"It felt amazing," I told her honestly. "Your mouth on my dick is total win. I can't imagine you're going to be able to do anything that I'm going to dislike. It's all good."

She gave a small satisfied smile then leaned over to take my dick back into her mouth. She didn't go down as far this time, but bobbed her head up and down, sucking and licking and caressing me with her tongue. I could feel her hand grasping the base of my cock and she began to stroke me as her mouth performed magic. I wanted to stay there just like this all day long, feeling her hot wet mouth around me, her amazing tongue against my aching cock, her hands stroking me. I held off as long as I could, but it was too good, too amazing, too stimulating.

"I'm coming, Bella," I choked out, grabbing her shoulder to pull her off me.

She continued to stroke me with her hand and pulled her mouth away slowly, sucking and licking my head one last time as she lifted her head from my cock. She leaned over to gently bite the inside of my thigh as her hand finished bringing me to orgasm.

I cried out in pleasure ejaculating all over my stomach and chest in thick spurts, pulsing again and again in ecstasy.

I collapsed back on the couch with my eyes closed, a wide grin on my face. I couldn't move.

"So how was it?" she asked and I could hear the smugness in her voice. I didn't mind; she deserved to fell smug. That was unbelievable. Fucking amazing. Bella was an absolute fucking genius to think up this idea.

I opened my eyes to look at her. She was still kneeling between my legs, one hand wrapped around my cock and the other gently rubbing the spot on my thigh she had bitten.

"That was the best fucking blowjob I've ever had," I told her with a huge smile. She rolled her eyes at me in response, but didn't stop smiling either.

On Saturday we started right in again as soon as Bella got to my house. My parents had left early to go spend the day in Seattle, so we had the place to ourselves. This time she informed me she wanted to try and swallow. I didn't even attempt to argue.

It wasn't long before my cock was in her mouth and her tongue and amazing hands were driving me crazy. God, it felt incredible. I was probably the best thing I had ever felt in my entire life. My hips were thrusting into her mouth and she was sucking and licking and swirling her tongue around my head. She reached one hand down to gently squeeze my balls and I choked out a cry of pleasure, shooting into her mouth.

She jerked in surprise, but didn't remove her mouth from my dick. I felt her tongue against me as she swallowed my cum. She continued to gently suck me until I was done.

"So fucking good, Bella," I moaned. "You have no idea. Thank you."

She pulled off, placing one last kiss on the tip of my cock and moved from the floor to sit next to me on the couch.

"What did it taste like?" I asked her. "Was it nasty?"

"No, it wasn't nasty," she said, thinking. "It wasn't especially tasty either. Just different. Kind of like sautéed mushrooms."

"Sautéed mushrooms?" I laughed. Could be worse, I suppose.

"Here," she said, reaching out her hand to the back of my neck and pulling my face towards hers.

"Kiss me and you can taste it for yourself."

I didn't stop to think, or I might have thought it was too weird to taste my own cum. Instead I leaned over and placed my lips on hers, dipping my tongue into her mouth. Her tongue wrapped around mine and I could taste myself on her. It was kind of hot. I tasted kind of salty, kind of earthy. I suppose sautéed mushrooms was as good a comparison as any.

"Thanks, Bella," I told her again. "Now get your clothes off. I want to see what you taste like too."

"I thought you said you wouldn't go down on me?" she said surprised.

"I did say that. But geez, you've sucked me off twice and fucking swallowed my load. I think I can at least try and return the favor."

And I did. It was a little weird, but not that complicated once I got the hang of it. Hearing Bella moan while I licked her clit and moved my fingers in her pussy was hot. By the time she got off, I was completely hard again. She enthusiastically sucked me off again and I came in her mouth for the second time that day.

We lay on the couch next to each other, both naked and sweaty and grinning like fools. I'm sure my parents wouldn't approve.

Bella turned to look at me and asked me a question she had asked me before: "Are you _sure_ you're gay?"

"Yes, Bella. I'm sure," I told her laughing.

"God, it's too bad. You're, like, the perfect boyfriend," she said. "You're smart and funny and nice and an incredible kisser. And oh my God, that was amazing," she practically gushed.

"You're pretty amazing too," I told her. "I think my dick is addicted to your mouth."

"If you get off from both guys and girls wouldn't that actually make you bisexual?" she questioned next.

"If we're talking about getting off with people, technically, I've only ever gotten off with a girl, so by that logic, I'd be heterosexual. It doesn't work that way, Bella," I told her.

I was getting a little uncomfortable with the questioning. Was she doing this whole fake boyfriend thing hoping it was more than it was? I sure hoped not because this experimenting we were doing was the best thing I had ever done and I'd hate for it to stop right after it started.

I looked at Bella, searching her face for some sort of clue. "Bella," I said seriously, "You know I'm never going to be more than your friend, don't you? I'm not leading you on by doing this stuff with you, am I?"

She blushed, but quickly rushed to reassure me, "Oh, no. Of course not. I know we're just friends. I was just curious that's all. I've never known anyone else who was gay and I wondered how you'd know if you liked doing stuff with both."

"I just know, Bella," I told her.

"Ok. I believe you. And just so we're on the same page, no, you're not leading me on. I'm cool with how things are. This was all my idea, if you remember. One of my better ones, if I do say so myself," she added, giving me a cocky grin.

I laughed. "Yeah, no argument here," I agreed. "I was calling you a fucking genius in my head only yesterday."

"Speaking of head…" she said, trailing off suggestively, reaching over to grab my dick in her hand.

Oh yeah. A fucking genius.

Bella and I continued to fool around all through the winter and into the spring. Every chance I got I'd have my dick in her mouth. She said she enjoyed honing her skills and I was the happiest guinea pig on the planet. I returned the favor as often as I could, although I ended up using my fingers more than my mouth to get her off. She didn't seem to care either way. It was an awesome few months.

Baseball season had started and I now saw more of Mike than Bella what with all the afternoon practices and our game schedule. Bella and Alice and Jessica would come to our games to cheer us on, and it was nice to have someone to keep me company when Jessica monopolized Mike's attention. Her hand down my pants was also a great way for me to get my mind off the fact that Mike and Jessica often disappeared during our after game parties and re-appeared disheveled and flushed.

It was almost May and Bella and I were necking on the couch in Tyler Crowley's basement after one of our games.

Bella stopped kissing me and leaned back to look me in the eye.

"Edward, do you still have that box of condoms?" she asked.

"Yes," I answered.

"I was thinking…" she said hesitatingly. "You know Prom is next month and I thought we could go together and maybe afterwards…" she trailed off. She was blushing furiously.

"You want to have sex?" I asked her.

"Yes," she answered simply.

I was quiet while I thought for a minute. On the one hand, we had done practically everything but that, so it wasn't really that much of a stretch. On the other hand, Bella was a virgin and so was I. I had never fantasized or actually even thought about having sex with a girl, even with all the fooling around Bella and I had done, so it would be completely new. We had figured everything else out; I'm sure we could figure this out too.

I wasn't particularly worried about being able to get it up or actually doing it. I was a seventeen year old guy, after all; practically anything got me hard. I wasn't attracted to Bella in that way—I always replaced her with Mike in my head whenever I re-lived any of our activities later while I was jacking off—but my dick was always happy to respond to all the physical stuff we did together. Especially the blow jobs. They were great. Besides, she knew exactly how to get me off and I imagined it would still be pretty stimulating, even if it wasn't how I'd prefer to lose my virginity. At this time, in the hetero land of Forks, it's not like I had any other options available.

It would be kind of nice to just get it over with and out of the way with someone I was such good friends with. I was probably the last of the guys to still be a virgin. But didn't girls want all that romantic shit and true love and all that stuff for their first time? And even if I lost my virginity with a girl, would it really count for me, since it wasn't with a guy?

"It was just an idea," Bella mumbled, looking away. "Forget it."

"Wait, I'm just thinking for a minute," I told her, trying to decide what my response should be.

I decided that worrying about whether this counted or not for me was stupid. If Bella and I had sex, I could definitely say I was no longer a virgin. Almost everything Bella and I did together was going to be different when I was finally with a guy. I'd worry about that when I was lucky enough to live in a town where there were actually gay men for me to date. What I should be worrying about was Bella. Was she going to regret not waiting until she was in love?

"Bella, don't you want your first time to be with someone you love? It's not something you can take back," I asked her.

"Edward, I don't want to be 19 or 20 and still be a virgin," she said with a slight tinge of exasperation in her voice.

"This is Forks. I'll be 18 at the start of next school year. Unless a miracle occurs and some amazing hottie transfers into school our senior year, I will not be falling in love in the foreseeable future. And once I get to college, who knows when I'll find someone."

I could certainly relate to her logic. It was pretty much the same way I had just been thinking about my romantic prospects in our small town. My hopeless love for Mike aside, there wasn't anyone in Forks I could date, even if I had wanted to.

She took my hands in hers. "Next to Alice, you're my best friend in the world. I like you. You like me. I like what we do together. I know I'm not a guy, but I'm pretty sure you like what we do together too, anyway.

"Alice told me that Emmett was getting a block of rooms at the Red Lion Inn for after the Prom at a really great discount because of some sort of connection their Dad has. She said we can have one of the rooms. It's the perfect opportunity. I want it to be you. I trust you."

"Ok," I told her.

She looked surprised at my easy acquiescence.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yes, really," I answered. "I've always wanted to despoil a virgin. It's number twenty-three on my to-do list."

"Fuck you, Edward," she said slapping my chest.

"Patience, my dear," I told her, wagging my eyebrows. "I'm not that easy. You still have to take me to Prom first."

She rolled her eyes, but she had a huge smile on her face.

For Prom the guys decided we would cook dinner for the girls, since there weren't really any decent restaurants in Forks. We chose my house, since we had a big gourmet kitchen and because my Mom was so enthusiastic about the idea and willing to help. Mike, Tyler, Ben and I did the actual cooking, but she helped us prepare the menu, shop and prep ahead of time.

Emmett had stopped by earlier in the day to drop off our room keys. Since none of us were over 18, he had put everything under his name. Although he had scored the rooms in Port Angeles for the after Prom party, he and Rosalie didn't join us for dinner. He told us that Rosalie said she didn't want it known she was hanging with a bunch of Juniors at her Prom. Typical.

As we were cooking, Mike came over to talk to me while I was seasoning the steaks. "So you and Bella are finally going to…?" he asked, raising his eye brow questioningly.

I nodded, "That's the plan."

"That's pretty huge, Eddie," he said, slapping my shoulder. "My little boy's all grown up!" he said, pretending to cry.

"Jesus. You sound like my Mom."

He laughed. "I'm just giving you shit. This is actually a pretty big night for us too. We've never spent the whole night together, and, shit, Eddie, I feel like a fucking girl saying this, but, I can't wait to wake up next to her.

"I know we're young, but…" he got serious. "I think I might love her. Like, really love her. Like I want to wake up next to her for the rest of my life kind of love her."

I smiled as my body went numb and my heart shattered into a million pieces inside my chest.

"That's really great Mike. She's a great girl. I'm really happy for you," I told him as I turned to pull the pan of roasted vegetables from under the broiler.

Mom left us alone for most of the dinner, only helping in the kitchen with plating and timing, but after we were finished, she went crazy with her camera again, taking picture after picture of us.

Us guys did look sharp in our tuxes and the girls looked great. Bella had on a long dark blue dress. She looked really pretty in blue. The color did something nice to her skin. Angela's was a deep green and Jessica's was a kind of purplish pink with a halter top that accentuated her assets. Alice, as usual, looked almost other worldly, with her jet black hair, pale white skin and a flowy pale pink dress.

The dance was just what you'd expect. Badly decorated gym, local DJ, nasty punch. Bella, once again, would only dance if it was a slow dance, and we spent most of the Prom at a table with our friends. Emmett and Rosalie were crowned Prom King and Prom Queen and for a big dude, Emmett sure was light on his feet. They looked like freakin' Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers as they danced.

I tried not to think about my conversation with Mike, but I know I was distracted half the night. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he and I would never be together, but for some reason, hearing that he was in love with Jessica just made it too real.

Bella noticed how detached I was and asked me if I was nervous about tonight. "We don't have to go through with it if you're having second thoughts," she said.

"That's not it," I told her, my eyes on Mike and Jessica laughing as he twirled her around. "It's just that sometimes, it's hard seeing someone you love be in love with someone else."

Bella squeezed my hand and when I looked at her, she had tears in her eyes. God, I'd ruin the night for everyone if I didn't snap out of it.

"Can we get out of here?" I asked her, even though it was barely ten.

"Sure," she said. "Let me just say goodbye to everyone."

Mike noticed we were leaving and shot me a big thumbs up from the dance floor on our way out. I smiled and waved.

Once we were in the car, I apologized to Bella. "I'm sorry for being such a downer. I didn't mean to ruin your night."

"Edward, it's fine. I promise."

We were quiet all the way to Port Angeles and didn't say much until we were in the room.

When I looked at Bella, I suddenly was nervous. What if I hurt her?

"Ok," I told her, laughing softly, "Now I really am nervous. I don't want to hurt you."

"Geez, just relax, Edward. It will be fine." She walked over to the mini bar and pulled out a few little bottles and a can of Coke. "Can you go get some ice?" she asked.

"Sure," I said, grabbing the bucket and heading down the hall.

We fixed a couple rum and Cokes and clinked our glasses together. "To the despoiling of the virgins!" I exclaimed in a toast.

Bella rolled her eyes and took a sip, making a face as she swallowed. "Gah! That's sweet," she said. After a few more sips she said musingly, "These should really be cherry Cokes."

I snorted and then we were both laughing. This was going to be ok.

We each had another drink and I was feeling much more relaxed. We had both kicked off our shoes and I had removed my jacket and tie. I could tell Bella was getting tipsy because she was rambling and slurring her words a bit. Neither of us drank regularly, so it didn't take much.

I took the drink from Bella's hand and asked her with a grin, "Do you want me to seduce you, or do you just want to get naked and go at it?"

She crawled over and straddled me on the love seat and leaned over to bite my ear lobe, "How about I seduce you?" she asked in a low voice, licking the shell of my ear then kissing the side of my neck, scraping her teeth lightly down to my shoulder. I shivered in response.

Her fingers were working the buttons on my shirt and she was tugging it out of my waistband. I helped her remove it from my shoulders as she worked on the buckle of my belt. I lifted my hips as she pulled my pants down. She licked her lips and looked up at me with her big brown eyes. "I want to suck your cock."

My cock instantly responded, anticipating her warm wet mouth. She scooted down between my legs and took me between her lips. I groaned, burying my fingers in her hair. "God, Bella. That feels incredible." She had really gotten good at giving head. As her tongue caressed me and she sucked and licked, her hands were moving and stroking and gently squeezing my balls. It felt so good, I never wanted her to stop. One of her hands slid up my stomach over my torso and gently squeezed my nipple between her fingers. A jolt of pleasure shot through me. I grabbed her wrist to stop her, and used the other hand buried in her hair to reluctantly push her head away from my aching cock.

"God. We need to slow down. You're going to make me come." She just looked at me with her dark eyes while licking her lips.

"Take off your dress," I directed, before I lost my resolve and came down her throat.

She stood and reached for the zipper behind her back. Her dress slowly slid down her body in a pool of blue. She reached behind her back again and unhooked her bra, letting it fall at her feet as well. Her hands slowly slid up her stomach to her breasts and she took them both in her hands, squeezing her own nipples between her thumbs and index fingers. She let out a low sensuous moan. That was sexy. She truly was beautiful. Life would be so much easier if I could have fallen in love with her instead of Mike.

I knelt at her feet and ran my hands up the inside of her thighs, circling around to her ass and squeezing as I leaned in to kiss her belly. My tongue dipped into her belly button and I felt her hands in my hair. I hooked my fingers into her underwear and tugged it gently down her body, helping her step out of them. I ran my hand back up between her legs and ran my finger all the way across her slit. She was wet. I moved my fingers back and forth slowly, spreading her moisture to her clit. I heard her gasp in pleasure.

I stood up and kissed her, pressing my body against hers, pushing my cock against her stomach. Her hand reached between us to stroke it.

"Let's move to the bed," I suggested.

She nodded and grabbed my hand, tugging me in that direction.

"Wait," I stopped her. "Let me get the condoms."

I opened my bag and pulled out the box opening it and taking one out, placing it on the nightstand.

I took Bella's hand again and we lay down together on the bed.

"Lie back on the pillow," I told her as I scooted down between her legs. This was familiar territory and I knew exactly what to do to make her feel good. I eased a finger into her pussy then another as my tongue licked and stroked her clit. Her fingers curled into my hair as she panted and moaned, writhing on the bed. I used my other hand to press down against her belly as she bucked into my mouth, and I sucked on her clit as my fingers moved inside her. She cried out as her orgasm overtook her and I felt her muscles contracting around my fingers. I wondered what that would feel like against my dick. Pretty good, I imagined.

I crawled back up her body and kissed her slowly and sensuously on her breasts, her neck, her mouth. I wanted her to feel good, since I knew I was probably going to hurt her. Her lips wrapped around my bottom lip and she plunged her tongue into my mouth, sliding her tongue around mine. I groaned in pleasure, pressing my hips into her. She reached down to stroke me, rubbing my pre-cum over my head.

I moved to lie on top of her kissing her deeply, pressing my hips against her rhythmically again and again.

"Are you ready?" I panted into her mouth.

"Yes," she whispered back to me.

I lifted up on my elbow to reach over to the nightstand for the condom. She took it from me saying, "Let me do it."

She pushed me on to my side so she could reach my penis then she rolled the condom down my length. She pulled me back on top of her and we resumed our kissing. She reached down between us and stroked me again and again, in the way she knew I liked, until I was aching for release.

I pulled her hand away then settled between her legs as she moved to adjust us. I pressed into her opening and looked down into her eyes. "Is this ok?" I asked her.

"Yes," she answered breathlessly.

I pushed further in. She was hot and tight and wet as I felt her body embrace my cock. I was so turned on I had to take a deep breath to stop myself from coming then and there.

I slowly pushed in a little more and then I felt Bella's legs reaching up to wrap around my body, her heels pressing me closer to her. As she shifted I entered more deeply and heard her gasp. I pushed the rest of the way in and felt her tense as she held her breath. Her eyes were squeezed shut.

My body was on fire. My cock was rock hard and enveloped in her velvet heat. I had already been close to coming before I even entered her and now all I wanted to do was plunge into her again and again and feel her body grasping my dick. But I needed to give her a few minutes to adjust to me being inside her. My arms were almost shaking with the strain of holding back.

She finally opened her eyes to look at me and her gaze was so penetrating. We were joined in the most fundamental way, our two bodies mingling together in our intimate dance. This was it. We weren't virgins any longer. I leaned down to kiss her gently on the lips.

I looked into her eyes questioningly and she gave a small nod, indicating I should continue. I pulled out pushed into her again, our eyes never wavering. My cock was ready to burst. I didn't think I could last another minute. I pulled out again, feeling the heat of her walls stroking me as I plunged back in a little harder, a little deeper. I could feel my orgasm building. As I pulled out again, panting and shaking, I knew I was done for.

As I paused poised on the edge of ecstasy, drowning in pleasure, looking into her chocolate brown eyes, Bella whispered, "I love you, Edward."

My mind was flooded with turmoil as I plunged back into her warmth, my body releasing in exquisite spasms of joy, my cum shooting from my body in spates of bliss. I saw her heartbroken expression as she realized how horrified I was at her unexpected confession. I closed my eyes against the intimacy of her gaze, trying to block out the utter wrongness of this moment. I cried out again and again as my body pulsed inside her, my own heart breaking for the second time that night. This was a terrible mistake.

I collapsed on top of her, my body exhausted from pleasure but my mind spinning in circles. When I could move again, I rolled off of her and got up to dispose of the condom. I came back to the bed and lay down beside her on my back. After a few moments, I heard quiet sniffling and I turned look at Bella. She was crying.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I never meant to tell you. It just slipped out."

All those times we had assured ourselves we weren't hurting anyone, we were dead wrong. I should never have agreed to this. I should have known Bella felt more for me than friendship. I was enjoying myself too much and far too selfish to think how our intimacy would affect her. What a fucking mess. I should have known better.

"No, I'm sorry, Bella. I should never have agreed to this. It was selfish."

I turned towards her and leaned up on my elbow, so I could look at her. "We can't do this anymore, Bella. It's not fair to you, and if I'm being honest, it's not fair to me either.

"I really am sorry. I just can't be who you want me to be." I could feel my throat getting thick and a prickling behind my eyes.

"I know," she whispered, more tears sliding down her cheeks. We just laid there in silence for a few minutes until she reached up to brush the tears out of her eyes. She cleared her throat and looked at me.

"I'm still glad it was you," she said.

I looked into her dark sad eyes and felt my heart clench. I did love her. Next to Mike she was my closest friend in the world. I couldn't stand that she was hurting. That I had hurt her.

"I'm glad it was me too," I told her and leaned over to kiss her on the forehead.

When I got home the next morning, I didn't have the energy to do much of anything. I lay on the couch mindlessly watching TV, thinking about what a fucked up night it had been. Bella and I had finally fallen asleep, but only after I listened to her quietly sniffling for what seemed like hours. We slept on opposite sides of the bed, barely touching. The morning was awkward and uncomfortable and when I dropped her off at Angela's where she had supposedly spent the night, we could barely look at each other to say goodbye.

I thought of Mike and how happy he looked when he talked about Jessica and how much I wished he looked that happy because of me, and then I felt bad for being jealous when I should be happy for him. And I thought about how Bella probably felt about me the way I felt about Mike and how sucky all around everything was. I wondered how my relationship with Bella was going to change and if we would still be able to be friends after all this fuckery.

I wondered why Bella would continue to fool around with me, knowing she was in love with me, when I had told her time and time again that I was gay. I remembered all the times she asked me if I was maybe bisexual instead and figured that I probably been sending the worst kinds of mixed messages, giving her all sorts of reasons to hope for more, being physical and sexual with her—geez, practically making love to her—without even really considering that she may be developing feelings for me. God, I was stupid. Yes, I _had_ asked her, but now, after everything had gone to shit, I felt like I should have known.

I thought more about Mike, how in love with him I'd been for so long, how I jerked off to images of him and fantasized about him, and how bad I felt last night when he told me he was in love with Jessica. That it had hit me so hard, even when I _knew_ we never had a chance, made me realize I had been holding onto hope in the same way that Bella had been with me. It hurt all the way down in my gut when I thought about it, but I knew that I was going to have to let him go.

After I had been on the couch for hours, my Mom came over to sit beside me. She pulled my head onto her lap and ran her fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp. It felt good. I could feel the prickling behind my eyes again and I shut them, but not before a drop escaped from the corner of my eye and slid down my face.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, honey," she said gently.

I just nodded. We sat there for a few minutes in silence.

Finally, I asked, "Why does everything have to be so complicated?"

"Oh, sweetheart," she replied. "It just sometimes is. It's hard being a teenager. I'd like to tell you that it won't always be this way, but it can be complicated when you're an adult too. Life is just like that. But I'm here and your father's here and we'll do our best to help you with whatever you need if you let us. You know that don't you?"

I nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"Not really," I answered.

"Okay," she responded, still rubbing my head. We sat in silence a few more minutes.

"Mom, you know I'm gay, right?" I asked her, my eyes still closed.

Her hand stilled on my head for a moment before she continued her gentle massage.

"Yes, sweetheart, I know," she answered.

I nodded again and we sat like that for a while longer, my head in her lap and her hands in my hair.

It felt nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 6 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/04/chapter-6-sidewalks-of-life.html)


	8. Chapter 7 - Lightning in the Dark

**"One day, they cleared a space and made a park  
There in the city's slums; and suddenly  
Came stark glory like lighting in the dark,  
While perfume and bright petals thundered slowly.  
I learnt no names, but hue, shape and scent mark  
My mind, even now, with symbols holy."**

_\- Dennis Craig, "Flowers," l. 9-14_

* * *

**Chapter 7 – Lightning in the Dark**

 

JPOV

I waited upstairs nervously. Alice had invited her friend Bella over for the afternoon and we were all going out to watch a movie. High school would be starting up again in a few weeks and this was yet another test to see if I was ready to be around humans for extended periods of time. Alice assured me that I would be fine; she claimed she would never risk endangering her dearest friend, but I wasn't as confident. I had struggled with my bloodlust for over a century and I had learned not to overestimate my control.

It had been over fifty years since I had joined the Cullens. Almost every aspect of my life had changed since the day Alice found me in that Philadelphia diner. Back then I had been lonely and desperate. Now I was surrounded by family and, if not happy, certainly no longer tormented.

When Alice stretched out her hand for mine, and I reached out to take it, I could not have known she would be leading me out of my dark depression into a new way of life. The beautiful golden color of her eyes was the result of drinking animal blood in the stead of human. I was intrigued and eager to try it. The idea had never crossed my mind, and if it had, I probably would have dismissed it as impossible. But here was this small slip of a girl, not only telling me that she had survived on such a diet for over two decades, but that there were others who lived this lifestyle together peacefully, and we were destined to join them. The hope in my chest began to bloom stronger as she spoke.

Like me, Alice was gifted. And like me, her gift was also her curse. She had no memory of her human life. She had awoken, terrified and alone, with no knowledge of who or what she was. Her blood lust had overwhelmed her, and she had fled from Mississippi, horrified by the wake of destruction she left in her path. She cowered in the forests, lonely and afraid, confused and disoriented as her mind was assaulted by visions she couldn't understand. She was like an animal, feral and wild. Savage and untamed.

Over the years she had studied the humans around her and learned to live a credible approximation of their lives. She had gained control of her gift and began to understand that these visions were glimpses of the future. That was how she had found me: waiting day after day after day in a Philadelphia diner, hopeful and eager for her lonely vigil to be over, until I had finally arrived.

She spoke of the Cullens and how visions of their way of life had given her freedom from her human diet, a freedom I could now share. She told me how we would travel together to find them, and make our home with them. She had seen it. She sounded so happy speaking of our future that even had I thought to walk away from her, I knew I could not, for I would never be able to bear to disappoint her.

She taught me how to hunt the animals in the forest. As the bitter, unpleasant taste of their blood coated my throat, I felt my thirst fade and I wanted to weep with gratitude for my deliverance. We cleaned up near a stream and sat side by side, the bubbling water an echo of the happiness emitting from my slight companion. Without looking at me, she reached out her small hand and slipped her fingers in mine, and I felt her. The touch of her hand, her pain, her deep loneliness, her joy. Her hope. A hope that mirrored my own.

I gave her hand a gentle squeeze of understanding and felt her whole body relax. A feeling of peacefulness radiated from her. It was an emotion I wasn't sure I had ever experienced before and I let it wash over me, reveling in the unfamiliar sensation.

We traveled for almost two years, searching for the Cullens. Her visions were imperfect and incomplete, but she never wavered in her belief that we would find them. I placed my faith in her willingly. I knew I would not leave her even if we never found them; I would never be able to bear the loneliness again, nor would I ever send her back to such a fate.

We learned much about each other during our travels. She was fascinated with my human life and I often found her questions disturbing. Those first 20 years of my existence were not something I had ever given much thought to in my eighty plus years as a vampire, other than my experiences as a soldier. In fact when images of my former life had drifted into my consciousness, I would often push them away to escape the dull ache they caused in my gut. Now here was Alice, probing and curious and relentless. Her need, her longing to know, was so palpable that I did my best to haul my ancient memories out of the locked chest I had placed them in and dust them off for her inspection.

She wanted to know about my family—my mother, my father, my siblings.

I thought about the image I had seen so clearly in my mind on one of my darkest days, starving and desperate, hiding under willow tree: two boys, fishing by the side of a stream, their laughter bright and loud in the afternoon sun.

"I had a brother I think? A younger brother. We used to fish together," I told her.

And then I was assailed with another image. A tall boy with blonde curls on his head, standing proud in his uniform, readying to go off to war. A woman with blonde hair, her grey eyes filled with tears.

"And another brother," I said thoughtfully. "An older brother. He was a soldier."

"What were their names?" she asked.

I thought hard for a moment, reaching deep, trying to remember them. I saw my younger self standing in the doorway of a kitchen, watching as the blonde woman opened the front door. A man stood on the other side. They spoke briefly, then the woman sunk to her knees, wrapping her arms around her waist, rocking and weeping. I watched myself go to her to help her to the couch and we held each other, crying. Then I was running, my face streaked with tears. Running as fast and as far as I could go.

Next I was standing in front of the woman, tall and straight in my own uniform. She was weeping and pleading, but I was committed.

"I don't remember their names," I answered. "My brother was killed in the war. I was angry. I ran away to enlist and lied about my age so I could become a solider and fight. I was sixteen years old. My mother was heartbroken…"

"What was your mother like?" she asked next, her tone wistful.

"She was beautiful," I said thoughtfully. "Warm and kind. Strong. My father and older brother were off fighting in the war and she kept things going at home for me and my younger brother."

As I spoke, more and more images started flooding my mind. A family laughing around a table. My mother standing in the kitchen, her apron covered with flour.

"She baked pies," I added, feeling somewhat foolish after I spoke. It was a somewhat insignificant fact, and it revealed nothing about the kind of woman she was, but I had so few memories to hold on to, this was at least a concrete image I could take out and hold. Less concrete were the feelings I was experiencing, trying to resurrect the life I had so long ago forgotten. My head in her lap, her hand in my hair, the sun on my face, a soft breeze caressing my skin. I had been happy. Loved. Cared for. I ached with longing.

"I don't even know if I had a family," Alice mused forlornly. "I don't remember anything. Anything at all. It's as if I didn't exist before 1921."

Her lovely face was so sad. Her longing, a too familiar feeling. I hated seeing her like this, her natural vibrancy subdued beneath her growing melancholy.

I reached out and took her hand, squeezing it gently. "I'm your family now," I told her softly. Her shoulders relaxed and her face took on a peaceful expression. Her calm eased the aching pangs in my chest.

Nothing fascinated Alice more than the clothing humans wore. She studied people, imitating them; she tried on different outfits like costumes, donning various personas and different vocations, examining closely the difference in significance between an inch of a skirt hem. I understood somewhat, remembering the feelings of pride I had experienced when I had first put on my uniform—the scratchy wool of my coat, the buckle on my belt with the letters of the Confederate army embossed in the metal. The way the soldiers regarded me when I was promoted, my rank evidenced by way of my clothing, a symbol of my new responsibilities.

Today she was a young girl, heading to the movies with her beau. Her brightly colored skirt swirled around her legs and her feet were encased in heels. A scarf was knotted around her neck and her lips were adorned with a bright red lipstick. She had dressed me in khaki pants and a short sleeve shirt that buttoned down the middle. I was content to play along.

I had attempted to accompany her in the past. Being in the dark theater, surrounded by dozens and dozens of humans in close proximity, their hearts pumping beneath their skin, their blood coursing through their veins, the smell of them, rich and warm and delicious was too much for me. I had bolted from the theater, attempting to rein in the monster that was always at the ready, just under the surface. I managed to get beyond the crowded streets, but was unable to tame my hunger once my bloodlust had been awoken. I drank from a man I found vomiting in a secluded alleyway, his blood reeking of alcohol.

I spun into despair at my weakness.

Alice was apologetic. She had denied herself human blood for so long that it was almost effortless for her now. She recalled her early days and the struggles she had had and assured me that it would get better in time. She blamed herself for what had happened, but I knew what I was and that there was no one to blame but myself.

Now I would only stay if the theater was practically empty. Otherwise, I would buy the tickets, escort Alice to her seat, and slip out to wait for her outside. She didn't seem to mind. After the movie I'd see Alice acting out small scenes, repeating lines of dialog, practicing the gestures of the actors she had watched. Her ability to imitate them was uncanny and it was almost as if I was watching the movie myself.

Sometimes she'd be lost in thought, thinking about the movie she had just seen.

"Have you ever been in love, Jasper?" she asked me after one such time.

My mind immediately turned to Peter, remembering the feel of his body under mine, the way he'd lose himself in pleasure, writhing and moaning beneath me, his soft smile and smiling eyes, his whispered words of affection.

I missed him.

Then another image flitted through my mind and I grabbed onto it tightly, dredging it up from my memories and examining it with curiosity. I was a soldier, not yet an officer. We were awaiting orders, possibly engaging in combat the following day. Someone slipped into my tent. Another boy like me… young. His light brown hair was thick and straight. His green eyes held fear.

"Are you afraid?" he asked me in a whisper.

I motioned for him to sit next to me. I put my arm around his shoulder.

"A little," I told him. "More nervous than scared."

He didn't answer, just burrowed a little closer to me under my arm. I could feel him trembling. I reached my other arm around him and held him close until his shaking ceased. Then I felt his lips softly on my neck, his tongue darting out to taste my skin, and my own body started to tremble. I pulled away to look at him.

His eyes were dark and serious. He reached out his hand and laid it flat against my chest. I could feel my heart hammering under his fingers. Then our lips were on each other's, our hands in each other's hair and it was glorious. We frantically removed our clothing until we were naked and pressed together, our legs tangled, our bodies rubbing, our mouths everywhere.

Then I was inside him, draped over his back, our skin hot and covered in sweat, my arms wrapped around him, holding him near, our hearts pounding. My lips were on the back of his neck, my breath hot in his ear, and he cried out as he pushed back into me, trying to get closer still.

I looked at Alice, pulling myself out of the memory, away from the hot and sweet arms of the unknown boy, so many years ago.

"No, I've never been in love," I told her. "There was a boy, when I was in the army. Maybe I could have loved him."

"What was his name?" she asked me.

"I don't remember." But I remembered the feel of his hands on my skin, the way my body trembled with his touch, being buried inside his heat and losing myself in pleasure.

"What happened to him?" she asked.

"He was killed in the war," I answered. I would have lost him anyway, once Maria turned me. He would be long dead now, had he survived the war, while the years between us grew and stretched endlessly forward. I would never have been able to keep him.

"Peter loved me," I added. "I loved him too, but not the way he needed. I was not capable of loving him back that way."

I felt a flash of understanding from Alice. I had told her about Peter before. About my life as a soldier in Maria's army, about my time with him and Charlotte. She knew the full extent of my depravity.

"I would like to be in love one day," she said wistfully. "It seems wonderful."

Her voice grew despondent. 'How could anyone love me, though? I don't even know who I am. I'm just bits and pieces of other people put together like a patchwork quilt."

"That's not true," I reassured her. "You're Alice. And I love you." It was the first time I had ever said that to anyone out loud. I did love her, even though we had known each other less than a year. She had saved me, delivered me from darkness, from my loneliness. She would always be dear to me.

"Alice," she scoffed in a bitter tone. "I don't even know my real name! I chose it from a book. But…" she continued, "There was something about it. It seemed to fit. It felt comfortable when I tried it on, like I had worn it before, so maybe…" she trailed off, but her spirits seemed to have lifted.

She turned to look at me. "I love you too, you know."

I did know. I smiled at her, relieved to see that her low mood was passing. It seemed wrong for her to be anything other than her usual cheery self. I wasn't sure why or how she could love someone like me, but I could feel her affection and was grateful for it.

We did eventually find the Cullens. They were living in upstate New York at the time. After months of seeing glimpses of them in her visions, Alice was finally able to narrow the location down to somewhere near the Catskills. We drove through town after town, until she suddenly began to vibrate in the seat next to me.

"We're close," she said excitedly. "I'm recognizing landmarks."

Her enthusiasm was contagious, but I still felt apprehension. Alice had told me there were four vampires, two mated pairs. She was adamant they would accept us, but that was not my main concern. I was still not certain I wanted to become part of their coven. Their way of life, blending amongst the humans, was foreign to me. I had done so periodically for varying reasons over the years, but to do so full time? I didn't know how that could possibly work for a monster like me. For Alice, however, I would keep an open mind. I knew she wanted this with her entire being.

She began to direct me towards the countryside. We wound down a one lane road until we finally reached a large stately colonial, nestled in the trees. The vampires were waiting on the porch to greet us.

I parked the car in the drive and took a moment to steady my nerves. Alice had no such reservations. She bounded out of the car, calling, "Jasper, what are you waiting for? Come meet the Cullens!"

I could feel the surprise from the vampires at her words. I got out of the car slowly, showing I meant no harm. I could feel their guarded attitude. They were wary and cautious and their defensive stance intensified as I approached. I knew the kind of impression I made on others of our kind. My multiple scars were evidence of my countless battles; my eyes were tinged with red. I had not yet mastered the animal diet. I was dangerous and it was evident from looking at me. The two males tensed as I grew closer, shifting to stand slightly in front of their mates. The blonde female looked annoyed at her mate's protection; the big one looked prepared to fight.

Alice seemed unaware of the charged atmosphere between us. She danced up on the porch and stood before the tall blonde male. "You must be Carlisle," she stated, bouncing slightly in front of him. "And you're Esme!" she exclaimed reaching out to hug the female. The woman returned the hug automatically with a confused look on her face.

"I'm Alice, and this is Jasper," she said gesturing to me. "We've come to live with you! I can't tell you how excited we are to finally find you!"

The males were becoming more agitated as I neared the porch. I sent a wave of reassurance out. The blonde male regarded me intently and with curiosity; I don't know how, but he was aware of what I had done.

I stood before them, extending my hand to the blonde male. "I'm Jasper Whitlock," I said, introducing myself. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir."

He shook my hand in a firm grip. "Carlisle Cullen, and this is my wife Esme, my daughter Rosalie and her husband Emmett," he said gesturing to his wife, then the blonde female and the big male. Interesting. "Please come inside and we can talk."

I nodded and walked towards the door which he held open for me, while Alice chattered with Esme, asking, "Which is my room?" Esme smiled, seemingly charmed, and I felt the maternal affection coming from her directed towards my small companion. My unease lessened, and I knew we would be staying.

Life with the Cullens was different from anything I had ever known. Carlisle was their leader and he referred to the other vampires as his family, rather than as a coven. He was a doctor and worked daily in a hospital, surrounded by humans and exposed regularly to blood. I soon realized that although he was a gentle and compassionate man, he was mentally stronger than anyone I had ever known. I eventually learned that he was almost three hundred years old and had even lived with the Volturi. That alone elicited my respect. Maria had feared no one, save the Volturi. When the wars in the south had gotten too widespread and out of hand, it was the Volturi who came from Italy to destroy the newborn armies and punish those vampires who were recklessly risking the exposure of our existence. I marveled at how peaceful Carlisle was, even with this curious history.

The '60s were a hard decade for me. While Alice enthusiastically embraced the role of a flower child, dressing in flowing skirts and tie dye, gallivanting to rock concerts and participating in protest marches, I struggled with the Civil Rights movement and my involvement in the Civil War.

Although I had not fought for three quarters of a century, I still thought of myself primarily as a soldier. After my disillusionment with Maria's cause, I was now faced with the fact that I had clearly been on the wrong side during my human years in the Confederate army. It was confusing, thinking that so much of my existence had been spent wandering in loneliness or in meaningless endeavors.

Carlisle noticed my returning melancholy.

"The idea of eternity is unbearable at times," I told him, when he convinced me to share my thoughts one day. "What is the point of it all? How have you borne it for so long?"

He regarded me with a sympathetic look. "I struggled too, Jasper," he told me. "I was lonely for a very long time. And then I found Esme. I hated myself for wanting to turn her, for condemning her to this existence, for the responsibility I would bear for any she harmed. But in the end I was selfish. I was tired of being alone. I was able to convince myself that since she was dying anyway, I would be saving her.

"Did I save her? Or did I condemn her? It depends on the day to which answer I'd give you," he said with a small smile.

He paused, as if wanting to say more. "I've made peace with my decision, and I can never regret the love she has brought into my life. Freud speaks of Eros and Ananke—love and necessity—as being the very foundations of society. Or as some like to put it: love and work are the keys to our mental health. I'm surrounded by love. I've found a calling that I enjoy dearly. Being a doctor is something that gives me great satisfaction, being able to put my special abilities to work for a greater good. We may not have chosen this existence, but we can choose to rise above our instincts and reach for a better life. It may have taken me over two hundred years, but I've achieved happiness. You eventually will too, my son."

I felt his gentle acceptance of me, his understanding and non-judgmental attitude towards my frequent slips, his empathy for my struggles. He sounded so sure of what he said, so sure about me. I wanted to believe him.

It had been over twenty years since I had last slipped, twenty years since I had been consumed by darkness, frustrated by my weakness and unable to forgive myself for the evil I perpetrated. This was the longest I had ever gone without killing a human. I was determined to prove I had finally conquered the beast within.

I heard the doorbell ring and then the voice of Bella and Alice downstairs. I could smell the sweet fragrance of her blood, so incredibly appealing. I felt the slight burn in my throat in response to the temptation. It was bearable.

As I walked down the stairs, I heard Alice squeal in excitement.

"Jasper! I want you to meet my dearest friend. Bella, this is Jasper Whitlock, my foster brother." She gestured to me.

Bella smiled. "Hi Jasper," she said in a friendly voice.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, miss," I answered. Old habits die hard.

She giggled. "A southern gentleman, I see," she said.

"A southerner, at least," I said with a smile. She smiled back. So far, so good.

"So you're going to be in our class this year at Forks High?" she asked.

"That's the plan," I responded. If today went well, that is.

She nodded. There was a short minute of uncomfortable silence as we both struggled to think of something to say. What did one talk about with a seventeen year old human girl? Alice, fortunately, jumped in.

"We better get going if we don't want to be late."

We were taking Carlisle's Mercedes, since Alice's car was too small for the three of us. She drove and Bella sat in the front with her. I sat in the back. Alice and Bella chatted about school, books, movies, their friends the entire way to Port Angeles. I listened, and occasionally offered a comment, but spent the majority of the ride assessing how well I was handling Bella's potent human scent in the closed confines of the vehicle.

My nervousness returned as we approached the theater. We were seeing a summer blockbuster and it was likely to be crowded. Alice parked and we purchased our tickets then entered the lobby. Bella and Alice stood in line to get popcorn while I waited nearby. We entered through the heavy doors then picked out our seats, settling in. Alice sat on one side of Bella and I on the other.

As more and more patrons started filling the seats, I was reminded of my many attempts to accompany Alice when it had been just the two of us many years ago. This time, however, I was not driven from the theater by the cacophony of heartbeats surrounding me. I was not overwhelmed by the heady smell of the blood coursing through the myriad of veins. I was not tempted to drink. I felt a sense of accomplishment with that realization. Alice leaned around Bella to look at me and I could read the "I told you so" look she threw my way. I just gave a small smile and turned back to the screen, waiting for the movie to begin.

When we got back to the house later that evening, I said goodnight to Bella then went upstairs to my room, giving the girls some time to talk. I could hear Alice asking Bella what she thought of me and Bella asking questions in return.

"Esme's been homeschooling him this past year," Alice told Bella. "He had a… rough time of things before and my parents thought it would better for him to adjust to our family before having to adjust to something like high school."

"I can understand that," Bella replied.

"I would really appreciate it if you and Edward could look out for him once school starts. He won't know anyone but me, really."

"Of course, Alice," Bella responded. "You're like my sister. I think of Jasper as sort of my brother already."

I couldn't see her, but I knew Alice was probably beaming.

I tuned the two of them out and thought about the day. Everything had gone fine, just as Alice had predicted. I had been in control. I had not wavered even being surrounded by the scent of warm delicious humans.

This could only mean one thing: I was going to high school.

The day had finally arrived; I was going to spend my first day as a Senior at Forks High School. I understood why this was important to the Cullens. The younger we could start school in a given location, the longer we could stay. I had watched Alice, Rosalie and Emmett attend schools numerous times as we had moved around over the years. It was problematic to explain my lack of participation or to hide my existence for so long. This would make things easier on everyone in the long run.

The story was that I had joined the Cullens last year as their foster child, even though I had been living secretly with them through the others' last few years of school. I knew from Alice what to expect. She had spoken to me so much about her day to day life in high school that I practically felt like I attended already. She was in her element in this role—a cheerleader who was dating a popular football player. Not only that but she had Bella, her first true girlfriend. They were practically inseparable. I didn't really understand her affection for this human girl, but she brought Alice such happiness that I was grateful to her.

Alice and I pulled into the parking lot at the school. She had dressed me in jeans, a concert T-shirt, a black leather jacket and cowboy boots. I deferred all matters of wardrobe to Alice. It didn't matter to me what I wore, although I appreciated the boots.

As we entered the building, I could feel the curiosity emanating from the other students. In a town this small, I was clearly the main topic of conversation today. It was rare for the school to get a new student, and that I was living with the Cullens, whom most seemed to regard with a combination of respect, envy, and admiration, made me even more intriguing. I tried to ignore them and focused on getting through the day without killing anyone.

Alice helped me find my first class. I had Physics and she was heading to a Prep hour. She walked me to the door of the classroom then squeezed my hand in hers. "You'll be fine, Jasper," she assured me. "I'll see you next period."

I nodded.

"Oh look! There's Bellla!" She waved at the girl in the room.

Bella smiled and waved me over, indicating the seat next to hers.

"You'll be fine," Alice repeated then waved a goodbye to Bella before flitting down the hall towards her own classroom.

I took a deep breath then entered the room, starting my official new life as a high school student.

The first hour wasn't bad. The material was easy enough for a vampire with an impeccable memory. The smell of humans was tolerable. The most uncomfortable part of the hour was dealing with the emotions coming from the other students. Teenagers seemed to be more emotionally volatile than most other humans I had been in contact with. I felt fear, nervousness, jealousy, lust, excitement, insecurity and so much more. It was tempting to blanket the room with calm just to give myself a break from it. This would definitely take some getting used to.

When the period was over, Bella offered to walk with me to our next class. She and Alice were both in Advanced English, as was I. I smiled at Alice when we entered the room and she indicated the seats next to her which she had claimed with books and her jacket.

I sat down to her left and let her know the first hour went well. She turned to Bella and they leaned their heads down and started chatting away in quiet voices. I felt a quick flash of emotion from Bella and turned to look at her, watching as her face lost focus on the conversation and her eyes darted to the door.

I turned to see what she was looking at and saw a boy entering the room. He was tall and lean with broad shoulders. He smiled, greeting a blonde haired boy and took the seat next to him, his long legs sprawling in front of him. I was vaguely aware of the teacher entering the room and speaking to the class, but I barely noticed; I couldn't take my eyes off the boy.

His skin was pale, with the slightest blush on his cheeks, like the petals of a magnolia blossom. His hair was in disarray, as if he had just run his fingers through it. The color reminded me of the velvety underside of the magnolia leaf, a rich reddish brown. I wondered if it was as soft as it looked. I was mesmerized as his long slender fingers reached up and moved through it. I could almost feel the silky strands under my own hands. Then as if he could sense me staring at him, his eyes looked up and locked onto mine. I froze. They were a beautiful deep green, like the waxy broad leaves of the magnolia tree. He was beautiful.

As we stared at each other, unable to look away, I was filled with a rush of emotions. I was transported to a wide porch on a sunny day, a tall tree towering nearby, soft fingers in my hair, a cool breeze caressing my face. He reminded me of a time long, long ago, before war had wearied me and death had robbed me of any contentment. He brought me back to a time when two boys laughed by the river, their hearts filled with the joy of a summer afternoon. He reminded me of something, this beautiful boy, with his magnolia skin and velvet hair, and eyes as green as living things. I stared silently at him, held hostage by his arresting gaze, trying to puzzle it out. And then I realized what it was.

Out of the corner of my eye I felt a shock of surprise from Alice and saw her head whip up and turn toward me, eyes wide.

He reminded me of home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 7 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/04/chapter-7-lightning-in-dark.html)


	9. Chapter 8 - When You Wake Tomorrow

**"I will give you a poem when you wake tomorrow.  
It will be a peaceful poem.  
It won't make you sad.  
It won't make you miserable.  
It will simply be a poem to give you  
When you wake tomorrow.**

**It was not written by myself alone.  
I cannot lay claim to it.  
I found it in your body.  
In your smile I found it."**

_\- Brian Patten, "When You Wake Tomorrow," l. 1-10_

* * *

**Chapter 8 – When You Wake Tomorrow**

 

EPOV

I awoke to the smell of bacon wafting through the air. I groaned, rolling over in my bed, bemoaning the fact that my days of sleeping in were over. School was starting back up today. My alarm started beeping and I reached over to hit the snooze button with a groan. It was too fucking early.

I heard a soft knock on my door.

"Edward," my Mom called softly. "Are you up?"

"I'm up, Mom," I responded. "I'll be down soon."

I heard her footsteps retreating down the hall.

I lay in bed wishing I could just stay there all day. I was not looking forward to this day. At all. Things were going to be awkward as hell with Bella. After our complete disaster of a Prom night, we had decided to continue to pose as if we were still dating until the end of the school year. It was only weeks away, and neither of us wanted to deal with any questions, especially since it wasn't exactly a secret that we planned to "do the deed" that evening. Questions would have been just too much.

We "broke up" right before I left with my parents to spend the summer in the U.K. with the excuse that we wanted to allow each other freedom while we were apart, and we would see how we felt when we were back together at school in September. All physical experimentation had stopped immediately, obviously. I don't know how I ever thought that was a good idea in the first place. Well, okay, I did know. Her lips around my cock were pretty persuasive. So not worth it in the long run, I had discovered.

I had only spoken to her once since I returned, and the conversation was as uncomfortable as I had feared. I called her to let her know I was back, and, really, just to check in and make sure she was okay. I still felt guilty over the whole situation. She had wanted to know how we were supposed to act around each other. Did I still want her to be my pretend girlfriend? I decided that sticking as closely to the truth as possible was probably the best course of action. No, we were not dating, but we were still good friends. Other than that, we would just play it by ear.

I was nervous about seeing Mike too. I had done my best to get over my feelings for him this summer. I stopped thinking of him when I was jacking off, instead using good old fashioned internet porn for visuals. I did my best to stop daydreaming about him. I decided I really would be open to other possibilities over the summer, if they did indeed present themselves.

And they had. I don't know if I was clueless before, or just too wrapped up in my infatuation with Mike to notice, but it seemed that everywhere I went, I was being hit on.

I flirted back and it was freeing to be open about my sexuality. I liked it. On my eighteenth birthday I went out to club with some friends I had met through friends of my parents. I hadn't said anything to them, but they somehow must have figured it out because they took me to a gay club. I had never been to one before; it was eye opening.

I had had a few drinks, so I was pretty buzzed. Watching all the boys dancing without their shirts, seeing them grinding against each other, kissing each other, while the music pounded and the lights flashed was unbelievably arousing. I let the beat pulse through me while we stood at the bar with our drinks. One of my friends grabbed my hand and dragged me out onto the dance floor in the midst of all the gyrating bodies, yelling over the crowd, "Come on! It's your birthday; live a little!"

We danced next to each other laughing and enjoying ourselves for a bit. He was maneuvering us slightly in one direction, his hands on my hips, gently pushing me back. I noticed a boy with shaggy brown hair watching me intently, his naked torso gleaming with sweat as he danced. When he saw me looking at him, he lifted his hands over his head, swaying sensuously and reached out his tongue to lick his lips. He slowly danced his way over to us and reached out for me as my friend released me, saying with a grin, "Happy birthday, Edward," before slipping off into the crowd.

The boy took my hands and placed them on his waist and lifted his arms around my neck, pulling me against his body. His skin was hot beneath my touch. He ground his hips into mine and I felt his erection pushing against me. My dick got harder as I pressed back into him. It felt amazing. This was nothing like dancing with Bella. This was hot and sexy as fuck and goddamn amazing. This. This was what my body craved.

He pulled me closer, pressing our chests against each other. I felt his mouth on my neck and he ran his tongue up it to my jaw, to my ear, biting gently, his breath in my ear. "You're fucking gorgeous," he whispered.

Our cocks ground against each other as we swayed slowly on the dance floor and I heard him moan quietly. My head spun with the feelings coursing through me, his hard cock pressed against mine, my hands roaming over his hard, tight body. It was unlike anything I had felt before. We danced that way song after song, lips and pelvises and cocks and hands, groping and pressing and touching and feeling, drowning in a haze of lust.

I ground my hips hard against his again and he spun me around so that my back was to him. I felt his cock pressed into my ass, his arms around my chest. I groaned. It felt so fucking good. His mouth was on my shoulder and his body moved against mine to the beat of the music. He reached his hand up and gripped my hair, tilting my head so that my neck was exposed. His mouth was on my skin again, nipping and sucking, and licking and kissing. I felt chills over my entire body.

He moved his mouth to my ear and bit it again, saying, "So, birthday boy, why don't you come into the back with me and let me blow out your candle." As he spoke, his hand reached down and squeezed my cock.

My hips bucked into his hand and I moaned. God, to feel those talented lips on my cock.

 _Fuck_. Happy birthday to me.

He spun me back around so we were facing each other. He swiveled his hips against mine again, rubbing our cocks together as he leaned back to look at me with a quizzical expression on his face.

I wanted to say yes, God, did I. I knew what a blow job felt like; I was a definite fan. And this would be with someone I was actually drawn to. Maybe it was because I was a little bit fucked up, or maybe it was because I had never felt another guy's dick pressing up hard against me, or maybe it was because I was horny as hell watching all the guys in the club kissing and grinding and touching all night, but I was feeling a crazy attraction to this unknown boy in the club and I wanted to say yes more than anything.

But that was the problem, after all. I was a little bit fucked up and I was horny as hell and this was some unknown boy from a club. After the situation with Bella, I just didn't think I had it in me to do the casual sex thing. I no longer believed in no strings attached. Even if this boy was hotter than hell with his sweet lips and hard cock, even if the chances of us seeing each other again were almost nil seeing that we lived in entirely different countries. Even if my dick was hating me right now for my cock blocking line of thinking. Even if.

I sure hoped I got over this unwelcome hang-up before I went to college.

I gave the boy a rueful smile and said, "Thanks, but I've got to get going."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, obviously not expecting my answer. Then he gave a little shrug with his shoulder and smiled. He leaned in to my ear and bit it gently once again, saying, "Thanks for the dance, birthday boy," grinding his groin hard against me one last time. He leaned over to place a chaste kiss on my lips, then let me go, dancing to the beat of the music.

I turned around to find my friends before I changed my mind and ended up with my dick down the throat of some sexy stranger in the back of a club in London.

This line of thinking wasn't helping me get ready for school. Did I really want to have blow jobs on my mind when I finally saw Mike again for the first time in months? I quickly showered and got dressed, hurrying down the stairs to eat breakfast with my Mom.

She was standing at the stove sautéing some mushrooms and peppers for an omelet.

"Hi sweetheart," she greeted me. "Why don't you pour yourself some coffee. Your omelet will be ready in just a minute."

"Thanks, Mom," I said, walking over to the coffee maker and pouring some into a mug. "You didn't have to do all this, you know."

"Edward," she said in a scolding voice. "This is the very last time I'm going to be able to send my baby boy off on his first day of school. Next year you'll be away at college and on your own. Would you really deny me?"

"When you put it that way… extra cheese please, and two pieces of toast," I requested, grabbing a slice of bacon from the platter on the counter.

"Such a rude boy," she said, shaking her head in mock disappointment. "Where did I go wrong?"

"You probably should have beaten me more," I suggested while munching on my piece of bacon.

"Undoubtedly," my Mom agreed.

She slid the omelet onto a plate and buttered two pieces of toast before placing the meal in front of me.

"Thanks, Mom. You're the best."

"And don't you forget it," she answered, kissing the top of my head as she settled onto the stool next to me.

We finished our breakfasts together then said our goodbyes, Mom tearing up as usual. I made fun of her for her sentimentality, but I knew I would miss our little tradition too once I was off to college. My Mom really was the best.

Once I got to school, I looked around for Mike and the guys. They were hanging out in the parking lot by Mike's truck. I sat in my car for a minute, gathering my nerve before going to join them. Seeing Mike for the first time in months and finding out if I was successful in putting my feelings for him behind me… facing Bella… I just wanted the day over with.

Finally, I got out of the car and walked over to the group.

"Eddie!" Mike called, with a big smile. I still loved that smile.

"Hey, guys," I said as I reached them. We all gave each other manly one arm hugs and spent a few minutes catching up. As we talked, my nervousness eased. It was just as easy to talk to Mike as it had always been. He looked great, but he always did. I felt a little pang of regret, sadness at what would never be, but most of all I felt grateful that we were friends. This was going to be ok.

We heard the warning bell go off and started heading inside to get to our first period.

Hey Mike," I called, getting his attention before he got too far ahead of me. "Wait a minute."

He stood by the door, waiting for me to catch up. "What's up?"

"You coming over after school today?" I asked him.

"Absolutely!" he enthusiastically responded. "It wouldn't be our first day back without me kicking your ass at some video games."

"I think you mean it wouldn't be the first day of school without you getting schooled," I countered back.

"We'll see about that," he said cockily. "I've been practicing, and I'm sure you're rusty after being gone all summer. Today is my day," he boasted.

"You're dreaming," I scoffed.

"Where are you headed?" he asked next.

"I've got a prep period to start. You?"

"Math," he said in a disgusted tone of voice.

"Okay, see you next period," I said, waving goodbye. "Save me a seat."

"Will do, Eddie," Mike answered, veering off down the hall.

I walked to my classroom and grabbed a desk near the back of the room. I was happy to have a prep period at the beginning of the day. It'd give me a chance to wake up and finish up any homework if I got behind. Today, however, I'd be listening to my iPod. I would rather have slept in, honestly.

I was so engrossed in my music I didn't see the person sitting next to me until I felt a nudge at my elbow. I pulled the ear bud out and turned my head. Alice Cullen was sitting in the desk to my right. She had pulled it over closer to me so that they were touching.

"Hi Edward," she greeted with a big smile, in her typical upbeat fashion. "Did Bella talk to you yet?" she asked me.

I paused, wondering what she was talking about. I knew Alice and Bella were close, but surely she hadn't told Alice what really went on with us last year, had she?

"Talked to me about what?" I asked her cautiously.

"About my brother," she replied. I relaxed. "This is his first year here and Bella and I are the only two people he knows. I was hoping you might show him around and introduce him to some of the guys?"

"Oh, yeah, sure. Bella did mention him last time we talked. Sorry. I'd be happy to show him around." I vaguely remembered Bella mentioning it. I was too stressed over our own situation for it to really register though.

"Thanks, Edward! I really appreciate it. He's a great guy. I want him to be comfortable here. Mom's been home schooling him for the past year, so this is all very new to him." Her face took on a serious expression. "He's had a… rough time of things," she said quietly. "I just really want things to work out for him."

Alice was a total sweetheart. I could tell this was important to her.

"I promise, Alice," I told her. "Whatever I can do, just let me know."

"Thanks, Edward," she said with a genuine smile. That's how I liked to see her. I smiled back and put my ear bud back in, waiting out the rest of the period.

The bell finally rang and I stopped in the hall to chat to a few people before heading to English. In reality I was being a coward. There was only one section of Advanced English and I knew Bella would be in the class. If I could delay my arrival, I could time it so I could slide in at the last minute and avoid having to talk to her just yet. With luck, Mike would have saved me a seat as I had asked earlier. I knew I couldn't avoid Bella forever today, but I was hoping to at least make it to lunch before having to face her. What was I supposed to say, after all? "I'm sorry I took your virginity and made you fall in love with me. I hope we're still friends!" God, why had I thought it was a good idea? I was such a fucking moron.

I arrived at the classroom just as the second bell was ringing. I saw Mike sitting near the front, an empty desk right next to him. Good man. He gave me a smile as I slid into my chair. I dropped my backpack on the ground and stretched out my legs in front of me, waiting for the teacher to begin.

As I sat there, not really paying attention, I could almost feel someone's eyes on me. Maybe I wouldn't get away with waiting until lunch after all. I tried to ignore the feeling, but the longer I sat trying not to look over, the more agitated I got. I ran my fingers through my hair, once again cursing my complete stupidity of last year. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer and turned to my right to face her.

Instead of Bella's deep brown eyes, I was caught in the gaze of the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. His eyes were a rich golden color, like the eyes of a large cat. His lips were lush and full. His perfect face was framed by soft tawny curls. His shoulders were broad and I could tell from the length of the long legs stretched in front of him that he was tall, probably as tall, or taller, than I. The muscles of his thighs strained against the soft denim of his jeans. He was raw beauty, coiled strength, constrained power. There was something so magnetic about him, something so compelling, I could not look away. He reminded me of a mountain lion, with his tawny hair and golden eyes and rangy build. And I was his prey, held silently under his hypnotic stare, willingly waiting for him to consume me.

I don't know how long we sat, staring at each other, but eventually I felt Mike elbow me and our connection was broken. I turned to him questioningly. Mike tilted his head in the direction of the front of the room and I realized the teacher was calling roll and waiting for my response.

"Here," I said quickly.

I was here in body, but my mind was across the room, next to the gorgeous creature with the golden eyes. I stole quick glances every few seconds, waiting to hear his name called. Name after name rang out and I was beginning to think I missed it, when Mr. Stevens finally reached one I was unfamiliar with.

"Jasper Whitlock?"

"Present," a deep, smooth voice said softly from across the room. Even his voice was beautiful. What I wouldn't give to hear that voice saying my name.

 _Jasper Whitlock_.

I barely heard anything the teacher said for the rest of the period. My mind was consumed with thoughts of Jasper. I glanced over again and again, staring at his neck, his hands, his muscular thighs, his soft golden hair. He was sitting next to Alice and I assumed this was the brother she had told me about. I had never been so happy in my life to have volunteered to befriend someone. I couldn't wait for class to be over so that I could introduce myself.

Several times when I looked over, I caught him staring at me as well. A thrill of excitement went through me. Each time our eyes met I felt the shock right in my gut, as if he could see deep into my very soul. I wondered what he was thinking, what he thought of me.

Finally, the bell rang and I couldn't gather my things fast enough. I was determined to meet Jasper. As I approached them, I saw Alice nod to Bella and take Jasper's hand leading him to the door. I was about to call out to them to ask them to wait, but Bella was standing in front of me, a beseeching expression on her face.

"Hi Edward," she said softly.

My eyes followed Alice and Jasper out of the room and I tried to hide my frustration and annoyance as I turned back to Bella.

"Hi Bella," I responded. "How was your summer?"

"It was good. Yours?"

"Good." We stood there uncomfortably for a few minutes.

"Well, I'll see you…" I started to say.

"Wait, Edward," Bella cut in, putting her hand on my arm. I paused, waiting, restraining myself from shrugging her hand off me.

She dropped it, sensing my discomfort, asking, "Can we talk over lunch?"

I knew it was inevitable. We had to get through it and just get it over with. Lunch was as good a time as any.

"Yeah, we can talk over lunch," I told her.

She gave a faint smile. "Okay, good. Thanks. I'll see you then."

"See you then," I replied.

I waited for her to leave then I headed to my next class. I searched the gym hoping Jasper would be there, but of course I wasn't lucky enough to have PE with him. I was disappointed. A shirtless, sweaty Jasper was something I would have loved to see.

After PE I went to my Physics class and was disappointed again. I was momentarily excited thinking I could finally meet him during lunch, but then remembered I had promised to spend lunch time talking to Bella. Surely, we'd have history together, though. Like English, there was only one advanced section. If he was in the English one with Alice, Bella and me, chances were good he'd be in the history section too. I was impatient for the last class of the day, anxious to see him again.

When lunch time arrived, I headed for the cafeteria, quickly going through the line to grab some food. I looked around the room and saw Bella sitting at a table with Alice, Jasper, Mike, Tyler and the rest of the gang. As I approached the table, I was once again caught in Jasper's gaze. He truly was remarkably gorgeous. Mike was sitting next to him and I couldn't help but compare the two. I still thought Mike was good looking; who wouldn't? He had that clean cut All American look. But where Mike was sunny and cute, Jasper was golden and beautiful. Where Mike was healthy and fit, Jasper was sinewy and strong. Mike was like a Labrador retriever, smiling and friendly and loyal and eager. Jasper was like a great cat, feral and sleek, powerful and dangerous.

I could definitely see myself becoming a cat person.

"Edward, over here," Alice called to me, bouncing excitedly in her seat. I saw Jasper reach out his hand and place it over hers. She visibly relaxed. I was impressed. That was a skill I could envy, having been on the receiving end of Alice's excitement more than once. She smiled at him softly before looking back at me. "I want you to meet my brother," she continued.

I walked over next to where Alice and Jasper were sitting. She introduced us saying, "Edward, this is Jasper Whitlock. Jasper, Edward Masen." She was looking at us expectantly.

"It's nice to meet you, Jasper," I said, feeling a small thrill at saying his name out loud.

"Pleasure to meet you too, Edward," he replied. The thrill I got from hearing my name coming from his lips was even bigger. His beautiful, full and luscious lips. I loved the sound of his voice. I detected a slight trace of a southern accent. I wanted to hear him say something else.

God, I needed to stop staring at his mouth, I realized with embarrassment. I pulled my eyes up to his and was practically frozen in place. Again. I don't know what it was about this boy, but just looking at him practically put me in a trance. He was so fucking gorgeous.

I stood there staring at Jasper until I heard Bella call my name. I reluctantly pulled my eyes away from him and looked over at to where she was sitting on the other side of Alice.

"Come sit over here?" she asked, indicating the seat next to her.

"Oh, yeah, sure," I said, this time grateful for her interruption. Otherwise, I might have stood in the middle of the cafeteria all afternoon staring at the beautiful creature named Jasper Whitlock.

I looked at Jasper again and smiled at him, saying, "I'll see you later."

He nodded saying, "See you."

I walked over to Bella and took the seat next to her.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey, Edward."

I started picking at my food not sure what to say.

"Thanks for sitting with me," Bella said.

"Sure," I replied, still uncomfortable. We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes.

"Okay," Bella finally said, "Is it alright if I just talk first and you listen?"

I nodded, putting my pizza down, waiting to hear what she had to say.

She scooted her chair away from the rest of the group and leaned in. She took a deep breath, as if gathering her nerve then started talking in a low voice, so that no one else could hear what she was saying. "First of all, I wanted to apologize for how things ended up last year. I feel really stupid about everything."

I learned forward and started to protest, but she held up her hand to stop me. "You're supposed to just listen," she reminded me.

I nodded my head and sat back, waiting for her to continue.

"You told me you were gay. You told me you weren't bisexual. You were very up front about it. But I had such a huge crush on you that I read too much into everything. I kept hoping…" she shook her head with a chagrined expression on her face. "Every time you checked to make sure things were still on a 'friends' level, I lied straight to your face. You didn't do anything wrong. I know it's my fault things got weird between us.

"I want us to be able to be friends this year like we used to be. We are still friends, right?"

I nodded.

"I don't want us to be avoiding each other all the time or feeling uncomfortable around each other. I don't want you worrying that I'm still madly in love with you or anything. I just want things to go back they way they used to be, before we started sticking our tongues down each other's throats."

She stopped talking and sat there looking at me, waiting for my reaction, I assumed.

"Is it my turn to talk?" I asked.

"Yes, it's your turn."

"Okay. Well, I don't agree that I didn't do anything wrong. I should never have agreed to everything in the first place. I was being selfish."

I waited until she was taking a sip of her drink before adding, "You give really great head, by the way."

She choked on her drink and started coughing and spluttering. I burst into laughter. It was too easy sometimes.

"Jesus, Edward," Bella said when she had recovered enough to speak. She was laughing too.

And suddenly, we were the old Edward and Bella again, the awkward tension gone from between us.

"So are you still madly in love with me?" I asked her, very curious about her answer.

"No. Yes. No. Maybe a little," she answered.

I raised my eyebrows.

"You don't have anything to worry about," she assured me. "I get it. You're gay. I really truly get it. I'll probably always love you a little bit, though. You popped my cherry, after all," she said smiling.

She paused, then added, "I'm not _pining_ for you or anything. I'm totally over my infatuation. Sort of. Mostly. You do have really great hair." She was grinning.

"Good enough for me. You know, I'll probably always love you a little bit too," I told her. "In a non-sexual, affectionately platonic sort of way, that is. I'd say sisterly, but that would be gross." I shuddered. "We _did_ sleep together, after all."

"I can live with that," she said with a smile.

She started fidgeting with her napkin, blushing a little bit, then said hesitantly, "I… uh, sort of met someone this summer. Not really met… I mean I kind of knew him already, but, well, yeah."

"Really?" I asked. "Who? Tell me." Then I added in a very serious tone of voice, "I hope he's straight."

She smacked my arm. "Asshole," but she was laughing.

"I don't want to talk about it right now. I'm not sure it will ever go anywhere. I don't want to jinx it or anything. But I think it could." She was full on blushing now.

"That's great, Bella. I hope it works out the way you want."

"We'll see," she said, appearing lost in thought with a small smile on her face.

"So what about you?" she asked me after a moment. "How was your summer?"

"I met a guy in a club in London who offered to give me a blow job for my birthday, but I was too traumatized from my last sexual encounter to accept." I paused and added in a dramatic whisper, "I may be scarred for life."

"God, Edward. You're such a jerk sometimes."

"Yeah," I agreed with a cocky grin, "But you love me anyway."

"I'm never going to live that down, am I?" she asked, rolling her eyes.

-o-

After lunch I headed to my Calculus class and was disappointed not to see Jasper again. Alice, however, was sitting in the back row checking her makeup in a small compact. I slid into the seat beside her.

"Hey, Alice. How's it going?"

"Hi Edward. Everything okay with you and Bella?" she asked.

"Yep. We're cool." And we were. It was such a relief after all the stress I had felt about seeing her today. I couldn't stop myself from asking the next question. "How's Jasper doing? First day going okay for him so far?"

"It seems to be. Unexpectedly well, as a matter of fact. Even better than I had hoped. I have a really good feeling about this year." She had a big smile on her face.

"That's great. I'm sorry I haven't had much time to talk to him yet. I promise I'll do what I can to make him feel welcome here."

"Oh, I'm sure you will, Edward." She smiled reassuringly at me. Suddenly she perked up as if striking on a brilliant idea. "Why don't you come over after school and hang out! Bella's stopping by. You and Jasper can get to know each other a little."

I grew excited at the thought then remembered I had already invited Mike over to play video games.

"I'd love to, but I can't today. Mike's coming over. It's kind of a tradition." I was disappointed. Far more disappointed that I really ought to be.

"Oh." Her face fell. Then she immediately brightened. "Maybe tomorrow instead."

"That sounds good. I'll be there." Was it wrong that I wished it was tomorrow already?

I was right when I guessed that Jasper would be in the advanced history section. After Calc was over, Alice and I walked over to the class together. Jasper was already there when we arrived, sitting in his seat reading a book. He looked up as we entered the room and gave Alice a big smile.

If I thought Jasper was gorgeous before, it was nothing compared to how he looked with a smile on his face—those beautiful rosy lips turned up in happiness revealing a row of straight white teeth; the corners of his remarkable golden eyes crinkling with joy; and most noteworthy of all, his cheeks creased with deep dimples on either side. Those dimples… Oh Lord. I wanted to dip my tongue in them. One smile and he was completely transformed. He was radiant.

No man on earth had a right to look as sinfully delicious as Jasper Whitlock wearing a smile.

"Come sit with us," Alice said, taking my arm and tugging me in Jasper's direction.

Alice led me to the seat to the left of Jasper then moved around to sit on his right. I sat down and gave him a smile, feeling nervous and thrilled and excited all at once.

"Hi, Jasper," I greeted him. "I'm Edward Masen. Alice introduced us at lunch. I think you're in my English class too." I didn't think he was in my English class; I knew he was in my English class. I had spent practically the entire period trying not to stare at him, after all.

"I remember," he said in his rich smooth voice. "Hi, Edward."

Hearing my name come from those lips was just as sweet as the first time I had heard it. It was like I could feel the timbre of his voice penetrating deep down into my bones. I could listen to him all day. "So how's your first day going?" I asked him, searching for something to talk about.

"So far, so good," he replied.

I wanted to talk more with him, but the teacher had entered the room and was starting to call roll. It was frustrating. At least I had tomorrow after school to look forward to.

All during class I was hyper aware of Jasper sitting next to me. I noted the way he leaned back in his chair, one leg bent, the other straight out in front of him. He was wearing cowboy boots. So sexy. I stared at his wrists and his long fingers as they rested on the edge of his desk, so near to mine, his other hand taking notes in strong decisive script. He looked relaxed, but there was something about him, a quiet strength, an aura of danger, that reminded me of a predator deceptively lulling his prey into a false sense of security. Again the image of a large cat came to mind crouched in the tall grass, silent and waiting, ready to pounce when the moment was right.

He could pounce on me any day.

Several times he caught me staring at him, and I may have even blushed in response. His expression remained impassive and I wondered what he thought of my obvious interest. I couldn't seem to help myself, though. I was completely drawn to him in a way that I had never before experienced. My attraction to Mike was nothing compared to this.

When class was over, I realized I hadn't heard a single thing the teacher had said all period. I'd have to get notes from Mike or Bella. I stood to gather my belongings and watched Jasper out of the corner of my eye as he put his books into his backpack and slung it over his shoulder.

He turned to me, training those beautiful golden eyes on mine and said, "See you tomorrow, Edward." I simply nodded in reply, too tongue tied to trust my voice. Those eyes were amazing.

I stared at him as he walked out with Alice, watching the way his black leather jacket stretched tight across his broad shoulders, appreciating the way his jeans showed off his firm ass. There was such grace and confidence in his movements. He had to be the sexiest man I had ever laid eyes on.

I felt a hand clap on my shoulder and turned to see Mike standing next to me. Jessica was with him. She kissed Mike on the cheek, saying, "Call me later. Bye Edward," as she exited the room.

"You ready to go?" Mike asked me.

I nodded and we headed to the parking lot together. We parted ways as we walked towards our respective vehicles and I called, "See you in a few."

Once we were settled in the game room with snacks and drinks, Mike asked, "So… you and Bella? You guys back together?" I had forgotten that our lunch together would be prime gossip material.

"No, we're not back together. We're still friends, though."

"You looked pretty cozy at lunch," Mike stated.

"We hadn't seen each other all summer. We're better off as friends, Mike. Trust me." His mention of lunch had given me the opening I was looking for. "I saw you sitting with Alice's brother at lunch. What's he like?"

"He seems like a cool guy. Pretty quiet."

That didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. "What'd you guys talk about?"

"How he liked Forks, what classes he was taking. Stuff like that. You ready to be pwned?" Obviously, I wasn't going to get much out of Mike.

I snorted. "Keep dreaming."

But Mike did pwn me. As we played, my mind kept wandering again and again to those golden eyes, that soft curly hair, those luscious full lips. I'd get lost in thought and completely forget that I was supposed to be blasting the shit out of an alien horde. It was almost laughable how worried I had been about being over Mike. Here he was sitting right next to me, yelling in enthusiasm, punching my arm, doing fist pumps, being cute and utterly adorable in his enthusiastic joy of finally being able to take me down, and I barely noticed; I was too engrossed in thoughts of Jasper Whitlock.

I hoped I wasn't trading one hopeless crush for another. But this seemed like more than a crush. I felt this draw to him, a pull. Not just a sexual attraction, although good Lord that was certainly present; the guy was sex on legs. It was more a need to _know_ him. To some extent, he fascinated me, but at the same time, there was something about him that made me think we were meant to be friends.

Of course I wanted to be a lot more than friends, but I wasn't going to fuck things up by letting that be known any time soon. Although he probably had already figured it out with the way I was practically drooling over him during history class.

God, enough. I needed to stop thinking about him and start paying attention to the game. There was no way I was letting Mike beat me today! I'd never hear the end of it.

Except that he had.

He was having so much fun taking advantage of my less than focused state that we played well into the evening. My Mom ordered us a pizza and we took a break before going back at it, my skills continuing to decline. Mike was thrilled.

"Thanks, Eddie!" he exclaimed as he was leaving. "That was the most fun I've had in a long time!"

"Whatever," I said with a small sneer.

"Uh oh! Someone's a sore loser!" he said, grabbing me in a head lock and rubbing his knuckles into the top of my head.

"Shut up," I said laughing, escaping from his grip and batting his hand away.

"See you tomorrow, loser!" Mike yelled as he jogged to his truck.

"Later," I called back, letting his jab slide. Might as well let him enjoy his rare moment of victory; it was unlikely to ever happen again.

That night as I lay in bed, I gave up trying to push thoughts of Jasper away and let myself revel in the images that had been floating around in my head all day. I absently stroked my dick, remembering the way his thighs had looked encased in his jeans, the sound of his voice saying my name, thinking of how stunning his face was when he smiled, those deep dimples creasing his cheeks. I pictured those full perfect lips and wondered how they would taste if I were to kiss them. I wondered what his body would look like—those broad shoulders, his slim hips, the beautiful curve of his ass—underneath his clothes. I pictured his hands, capable and strong, with those long slender fingers, and wondered what they would feel like on my body. On my cock.

I was breathing more heavily and my dick was responding to the images in my head, aching for more attention and dripping from the tip. As I rubbed my thumb over the head, spreading the moisture around, I imagined Jasper's beautiful lips wrapped around my cock. I gripped myself more firmly, stroking up and down, twisting my wrist to palm the head, picturing my hand buried in his soft tawny hair, his cheeks hollowing as he sucked on my dick, his tongue wrapping around my shaft, his golden eyes gazing up at me… with that I came all over my belly with a soft groan.

I cleaned up then fell back into bed, sated and tired. As I drifted towards sleep I still had images of that beautiful boy filling my head. Again I pictured the breathtaking smile he had given Alice when we had entered the room.

I dreamed that one day soon, he would smile that way at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 8 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/04/chapter-8-when-you-wake-tomorrow.html)


	10. Chapter 9 - Sniffing the Twilight

**"I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,  
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,  
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,**

**and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,  
hunting for you, for your hot heart,  
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue."**

_\- Pablo Neruda, "Love Sonnet XI," l. 9-14, trans. by Stephen Tapscott_

* * *

**Chapter 9 – Sniffing the Twilight**

 

JPOV

I now knew his name, the beautiful boy with the magnolia skin.

Edward Masen.

I briefly recalled Alice mentioning him to me, Bella's ex-boyfriend with whom she hoped I'd become friends.

I wanted to meet him, to be near him, to be close enough to smell him, but Alice took my hand and led me from the room when class was over. When he was no longer in my sight, I felt a pang at his absence.

We paused in the hall, outside the room to my next period prep class. "I'll introduce you at lunch," she said. "The two of you are going to become very close friends." She gave me a reassuring smile and my hand a tight squeeze. I sensed excitement and anticipation from her.

I didn't ask who she meant. Alice, in her special way, always seemed to know.

I spent the next two periods turning over images of the boy in my head, his tall and straight form, his beautiful features, the angle of his jaw, the curve of his lips. His elegant fingers, the turn of his wrist. My mind was absorbed with his presence, completely filled with thoughts of him. Bella was in both my classes and sat in the seat next to me. I had to stop myself several times from asking her about Edward. I pushed aside the irrational jealousy I was feeling, knowing they had been close.

I didn't understand why I was obsessing over this boy, why I couldn't stop thinking about him from the moment he came into my sight. All I knew was that I was anxious for the period to be over so Alice could make the promised introduction at lunch. I wanted to hear his voice, to learn his scent. I wanted to be near him again.

Bella walked with me to the cafeteria and we took seats on either side of Alice. The blonde boy who sat with Edward during our English class sat down beside me. He introduced himself as Mike Newton. We chatted briefly about mundane topics until his girlfriend joined him.

I felt Alice's mood change moments later as her excitement ramped up exponentially. I reached out a hand to calm her as she called Edward over the table. As he approached and our eyes met, I could hear his heartbeat quicken. My senses came alive. I drank in his verdant gaze, deep and pure and penetrating. I took in a deep breath, inhaling his scent and let his fragrance fill me, consuming him into my very body. The sound of his tongue caressing my name sent a shot of pleasure through me and I felt an answering pulse from him as his danced from between my lips like a parting kiss.

We were once again lost in each other's eyes. Bella broke the spell, motioning for Edward to join her at the end of the table. They moved their chairs slightly away from the rest of the group and I was disappointed at the brevity of our interaction.

I was completely attuned to him, his scent still filling my lungs. I didn't want to exhale, desiring to keep him close to me. I couldn't stop myself from listening to his voice, regardless of the privacy he and Bella had obviously attempted to create for themselves.

Even though I knew they were seeing each other last year—I had heard Bella talk about Edward numerous times in the past, I was still overtaken with another surge of jealousy. I tried to calm myself as I listened to their conversation.

What I heard filled me with relief and even more jealousy. I gathered that although they had been intimate, Edward's homosexuality prevented him from feeling anything for Bella other than friendship. I don't know why it bothered me so much to hear about their physical relationship. I had only just met the boy today. Yet I felt a strange possessiveness towards him that I could not explain. I was unsettled, agitated.

What happened next disturbed me even further. Edward began to tell Bella about a boy in a London nightclub. At the thought of another's mouth on him, I began emitting a low growl from my throat. I felt myself tensing, my body coiling in an instinctive response. My reaction was completely involuntary and I fought to control myself. Alice placed her hand on my arm and pulled me out of the moment.

"Jasper, calm down," she said softly to me. "It's okay."

I looked at her face and saw sympathy and concern.

"Come with me," she said, pulling me to my feet and leading me from the cafeteria.

I reluctantly followed, not wanting to be separated from Edward again, but saw the sense of her actions immediately after we stepped outside.

Once away from the crowd of teenagers with all their emotional volatility, I felt myself relaxing. Undoubtedly, being among so many people in such an enclosed space had exacerbated my reaction to Edward's revelations.

That did not, however, explain the visceral response I had had to the suggestion of another man's touch on his body. It was confusing.

"Are you feeling better now?" she asked.

I nodded. "Thank you, Alice," I said. "I'm not sure what happened in there. I think so many people in that room together set me on edge. I'll be better prepared tomorrow." I didn't mention my unusual reaction to Edward.

It didn't matter. Alice understood more than I was saying.

"It's the same for him, Jasper," she said.

I looked at her in surprise. "What?"

"Edward," she replied. "He feels the same. There's something special between you. I've seen it."

"What have you seen, Alice?" I asked curiously.

She hesitated, as if not sure what to reveal. I had seen Alice respond this way many times in the past, weighing how much information to impart, not wanting to influence the future.

"You and Edward. You grow close. As close as Bella and I. Maybe even closer. You're important to each other." She was leaving something out, but I had known her long enough to know that this was all she would share.

I certainly couldn't deny my preoccupation with him today; I had thought of little else. The prospect of becoming closer to Edward in the future filled me with a myriad of emotions: excitement first and foremost—oh to be close to that beautiful boy. Anxiety at the same. What in the world would I have in common with a human boy, especially one so young and innocent? But most of all I felt fear. Fear, as always, about my ability to control my blood lust. And more importantly, fear at what he might think of me. I didn't want him to know the monster in me.

Alice watched the emotions play across my face. "Jasper, everything will work out fine. I promise." She reached over to give my hand a squeeze. "Now let's go back inside. Everyone will be heading to class soon."

I nodded following her into the building.

Since I was excused from the physical education requirement—Carlisle had provided a medical exemption—I had another prep period to fill my time. I pondered Alice's words, again consumed with thoughts of the boy: " _It's the same for him_." Could that be true?

Could Edward feel the same inexplicable attraction towards me that I felt for him? I knew my vampiric nature had engineered me to be enticing to my prey; my voice, my face, even my scent drew my victims in. If he did feel a pull, was it simply a matter of my predatory design, or was there something more, something specific to me? How could that be? He didn't even know me. " _You're important to each other_ ," she had said.

I resolved that next period I would filter out the teeming emotions of the crowd, get my own reactions under control and try to discern for myself what Edward was feeling.

When Alice and Edward entered the room I was instantly aware. His scent drifted through the air, aromatic tendrils that coiled around and in and through me as I breathed him in, encapsulating me in a delectable embrace. I focused my gaze on Alice, not yet prepared to drown in the vortex of his leafy eyes, determined to maintain at least a modicum of control. I would be lost all too soon.

I returned her smile with one of my own and heard the _thump, thump, thump_ of his heart increase in time. " _It's the same for him_ ," she had said. I focused my gift on only Edward and recognized the truth of her words.

He took the seat to my left and reintroduced himself, as if I might have forgotten. I basked in his delicious fragrance, the sound of his voice, the heat from his body, content to be near him. Several times I caught him staring at me; the blood rose to the surface of his magnolia skin, flushing his cheeks. I remained still, holding my breath, not yet understanding all the feelings he brought out in me, but knowing that blood lust was one I could ill afford.

He was so beautiful.

When class was over, I placed my books in my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. I allowed myself one last look in Edward's eyes before we were forced to part. "See you tomorrow, Edward," I told him.

Eternity itself had never seemed as long.

-o-

I paced restlessly, like a caged animal. Alice had invited Edward and Bella over after school and they would be here any minute. I had been a bundle of nerves since first seeing Edward, a jumble of emotions. I didn't understand my reaction to this boy. He made me… feel things, things I hadn't felt in over a hundred years. I still hadn't been able to sort my emotions out.

My second day at Forks High School had gone much as the first, with Edward completely filling my thoughts. The hours I was near him, I reveled in his scent, the sound of his voice; the hours we were apart, I longed for his company. I replayed every last interaction in my head, over and over, recollecting his beautiful face, his velvet hair, his tall lean body.

Now he would be here, in my home, without the distraction of teachers and lectures and other students and the millions of tiny things that made up the school day.

Alice bounded down the steps, her excitement apparent. "They're almost here!" she exclaimed.

She noticed my agitation. "Jasper," she said, grasping my hands in hers and stilling my restless movements. "There's no reason to be nervous. I told you that you are meant to be friends. You'll see. Just let it happen."

"Why would a human boy want to become friends with me, Alice?" I asked. "It doesn't make sense."

"It makes as much sense as a human girl wanting to be friends with me," she replied.

I disagreed, but didn't say so out loud. Alice was charming and lovable and a delight to everyone she met. She blended in seamlessly with the humans around us. I, on the other hand, still struggled to control my demon nature, the monster always at the ready to override my tenuous control, poised to surface should a weakness appear. It was the reason why I had not started high school with the rest of my family until this year.

As usual, Alice seemed to know what I was thinking anyway. "You're not a monster, Jasper," she said. I eyed her dubiously. "If you are, then I am too," she asserted strongly.

I started to protest, but she stopped me, saying, "Don't." I felt a pang of sadness from her and I was filled with remorse. I hadn't meant to upset her. She squeezed my hands once more, saying softly, "I only want you to be happy."

Before I could respond, the door bell rang and Alice released me to answer it.

"Edward! Bella!" she greeted them, giving them each a quick hug in turn. I felt a pang of envy watching her embrace Edward, wishing that I felt so free.

"Hi Jasper," Bella said shyly, as she entered.

"Hello Bella," I answered, fighting back the urge to growl. The envy I had felt at Alice's embrace transformed into jealousy as I re-lived Bella's lunch conversation with Edward in my head. I needed to get a hold of myself. This was still Bella, Alice's dearest friend, and someone whom until two days ago I had begun to almost think of as a little sister.

Alice hooked her elbow through Bella's and tugged her towards the stairs. "Come with me, Bella. I want to show you some of the new things I got in Seattle this summer. Let's let the boys get to know each other."

I gave her a slightly panicked look, but she just smiled and pulled Bella after her, leaving Edward and me standing awkwardly in the foyer.

"Hello, Edward," I finally addressed him. "Won't you please come in?"

"Hi Jasper," he said, walking towards me.

"Can I get you something to drink?" I asked.

"Sure," he answered. "Some water would be fine."

I nodded and turned to walk towards the kitchen. He followed me.

I reached into the refrigerator stocked full of the food Esme had delivered weekly and pulled out a bottle of water. I set it on the counter in front of him.

"Thanks, Jasper," he said, reaching for it and twisting off the cap. He brought it to his lips and took a deep drink, draining over half the bottle before setting it back down. I watched mesmerized as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down with each swallow. I had an almost uncontrollable urge to lick the column of his neck.

He brought the bottle down away from his face and saw me staring at him. "I guess I was thirsty," he said with a sheepish smile.

"No worries. There's more where that came from," I replied with a grin, pushing aside my disturbing impulse. I wondered how it was possible that this human boy and I were to become friends when the first time we were left alone together, I fixated on his throat. Alice would surely have warned me were he in any serious danger.

My uncertainty returned as we both stood in the kitchen, unsure of what to say to one another. Since I was the host, I knew I should be the one to try and make him feel comfortable.

"Come on. Let's go into the family room. We can put on some music?"

"Sounds good," he replied, following me into the other room.

When we entered, he spied the chess table that was set up in the corner near the fireplace. He walked over to examine it. "Do you play?" he asked me.

"Yes. Carlisle and I were in the middle of a game. Do you?"

"Yeah. My Dad taught me. I don't get to play a lot because he's been so busy lately and none of my friends are really into it. First person shooters are more their style." He was examining one of the pieces, turning it over in his hands, admiring the detailed carving and inlaid jewels. "This is a beautiful set."

"It is. Carlisle got it in Italy, I believe. Would you like to play a game?" I asked, hesitantly.

His eyes lit up then fell slightly. "I don't want to mess up your game," he said, nodding to the one in progress on the board.

"Carlisle won't mind," I reassured him. "He's about four moves from losing anyway." Plus, I'd easily be able to recreate our game from memory later.

Edward chuckled. The sound went straight to my gut, spreading warmth slowly throughout my body. I was momentarily stunned by the sensation. "Uh oh. What am I getting myself into?" he jokingly asked.

I was asking myself that very question.

I gave him a small smile and gathered my wits as I joined him at the chess board, rearranging the pieces into their starting positions. I picked up a black pawn and a white pawn and held them behind my back, enclosing them in my fists, one in each hand. I brought my arms back around to my front and held them out towards Edward automatically.

He reached out to touch my right hand and when his fingers met my skin, it was as if I'd been struck by lightning. A jolt of electricity shot through my arm and his warmth burned into my cold flesh like the heat of a thousand suns. I heard him gasp and I jerked my hand away from his in response. I couldn't meet his eyes, not wanting to see the disgust I was sure to find there; I had the skin of a killer.

I was too focused on my own unsettled reaction to pay attention to his, but once I calmed myself, I was able to feel residual traces of emotion coming from Edward: curiosity… wonder… rejection? No, never that. I quickly raised my gaze to his, seeking to reassure him.

His eyes were dark with something I couldn't name. As before when our eyes met, we were caught in each other's gaze; nothing existed but the beat of his heart, the heat from his skin, that irresistible pull, like the gravity of Jupiter.

Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Edward broke the moment first, a slight blush forming delicately across his beautiful cheekbones. "Are you ready to play?"

"Yes, of course," I answered, slightly flustered.

I reached out my hand and opened my palm, revealing the white pawn.

"It looks like the first move is yours," I told him.

-o-

Edward and I had played three games of chess. I won them all easily, but the number of moves it took increased each time. I considered letting the game play appear more evenly matched, but rejected the idea almost immediately. So much of our lives were crafted from deceit and misperception. I knew it was impossible, but I wanted him to know me. Since there were so many secrets we had to keep, I took the opportunity to reveal myself in whatever little ways I could.

Our games gave me plenty of time to observe him; I was fascinated watching him while we played—the way his brow would furrow when he was lost in thought, his nervous habit of running his fingers through his hair, the way he'd smile when he'd discern the pattern of my movements. I catalogued each and every action, each time our knees accidentally bumped under the table—the shock that surged through my body—each blush on his cheek. His scent permeated the air and I drank it in greedily, his essence filling my lungs and becoming part of me. Somehow, it grounded me.

After the first game we were both more relaxed; bits and pieces of conversation began to take shape. He talked about his parents and I sensed the warmth and love he held for them. I felt a pang of longing, remembering days from another life, sitting under a covered porch on lazy summer afternoons. He asked me about mine and I faltered, finally settling on a simple, "I don't remember much about them." Instead I told him of Esme's kindness, her nurturing spirit. I told him about Carlisle, the most compassionate being I had ever met. How he always had words of wisdom for me whenever I was troubled.

We talked about Alice and I smiled as he told me stories from school, his affection for her obvious. He regaled me with tales of the antics he and his friends had partaken in over the years, growing up in the small town of Forks where entertainment was whatever they were able to create for themselves. He was so young and vibrant and carefree, quick with a laugh and a ready smile.

I found myself staring at him time and time again, the chess game already fixed in my mind and requiring little of my attention. I was more interested in watching the creases that formed at the corner of his eyes when he smiled, the way one side of his mouth rose higher than the other when he grinned. I was quiet, lost in thought, turning over these little details in my head, imprinting them onto my memory.

When I was quiet for too long, caught up in my observations, he looked at me with a little laugh and asked, "What?"

"Nothing," I responded. "I like listening to you talk." I did. When he spoke, I forgot I was a monster. I forgot my loneliness, my aching emptiness. Instead I remembered a life long ago, a place of laughter and love and family. And home. My countless conversations with Alice over the decades regarding my human life in Texas had never made it come alive like this one afternoon spent talking with this beautiful boy.

"I like listening to you talk too," he responded, almost shyly, that gorgeous flush appearing on his cheeks again. "I like your accent," he added. "Where are you from originally?"

"Texas. Outside of Houston."

"Do you miss it?" he asked.

"Sometimes," I answered softly. Truthfully, I hadn't missed it. Texas reminded me of Maria and a roadside west of Galveston where life as I knew it had ceased to exist. Texas reminded me of the Southern Wars, a time of battle and carnage and killing and decades of fighting. I had fled from that existence without looking back. But now… sitting across from this marvelous creature, I wished that I could be that youth I so faintly remembered, the one with the easy smile on his dimpled face, who fished by the river with his brother, his heart light and free and full of happiness.

" _I only want you to be happy_ ," Alice had said and I wondered if that were even possible, or if hope for such a thing had died that day over a century ago when my heart had grown silent and stilled to stone.

We were so different, he and I. Like the chess pieces before us, he was light and innocent, his visage bright like the rays from the sun. I was dark and soulless, a monster cloaked in human camouflage, the better to lure my unsuspecting prey to their doom. And even if it were possible that that boy from Texas still somehow existed somewhere deep inside of me, at his age I had been commanding men in the Confederate Army for over two years, a veteran of war. Of death. Before that I had had responsibilities at home far greater than I'm sure this boy had ever seen. It was a different time. Thinking about these realities made the gulf between us seem almost insurmountable.

But yet… here I sat, mesmerized by his tiniest movement, caught in a spell of longing that he wove effortlessly and without even knowing, this bewitching, magical boy.

Alice and Bella had come downstairs and interrupted our play; Bella needed to get home to start dinner for her father. Edward and I finished our game and he toppled his king with a rueful smirk.

"That's something you don't see every day," Bella remarked.

"What's that?" I asked her.

"Edward Masen being outsmarted."

"Somehow, I still feel like I won," Edward responded, looking at me with a small smile. His words sunk into my belly and spread warmth slowly through my gut.

"I see your ego hasn't suffered from your loss," Bella quipped back. I was envious of their easy camaraderie. He just laughed and the room was full of summer.

Edward gave Alice a quick hug goodbye and turned to step toward me. As he reached in my direction, I instinctively took a step back, convinced I would be unable to handle an embrace. I was still unsure of how to manage human contact in general, and even less sure of my control around this particular human when a simple touch of his hand and the brush of his knee had jolted me so thoroughly.

I felt his sharp stab of disappointment and uncertainty as he stepped back from me. He cleared his throat in discomfort.

"Thank you for the chess games, Jasper," he said politely, quickly masking the hurt in his expression. "I had fun."

"Maybe you'd like a rematch sometime," I suggested, trying to let him know with my words and with my eyes that I was not rejecting him, that I had enjoyed his company. That I wanted more of it.

He visibly relaxed and I sensed the relief he allowed himself to feel. "I'd like that," he said with a smile. I returned it and we stood staring at each other until Bella tugged his arm, asking, "Are you ready to go, Edward?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll see you tomorrow, Jasper. Alice."

"Tomorrow," I repeated. I made it sound like a promise.

Once they had gone, Alice grabbed my hand and dragged me into the other room, demanding that I tell her all the details about my time with Edward.

"We played a few games of chess. We talked. It was pleasant." I wasn't ready to discuss Edward with Alice. These feelings he evoked were all so confusing and intense. I wanted time to think them through. I could tell she wasn't satisfied with my response, but she didn't push further.

Edward had a meeting with his cross country coach the following day after school, but he came over again on Thursday to lose a few more games of chess to me. I was finding it easier to talk to him the more time we spent together. What Alice had predicted appeared to be coming true: " _You're important to each other_." I didn't know why or how, but I did know when he wasn't near, I craved his company.

I grew agitated as Friday was coming to close. I soon realized I was reacting to the prospect of not seeing him again until Monday. I heard the students discussing their weekend plans and I found myself wishing I was just another boy whose biggest concerns were getting into a good college or sneaking in late after curfew. The familiar drift towards melancholy began to occur.

For once I understood Alice's fascination with her friend Bella, her obsession with the clothing and customs of the humans around her, her yearning to discover that part of her self she lost so long ago. I found myself wanting things that were… simply impossible.

By Friday night I was practically moping, unable to find interest in anything. Maybe I actually was turning into a teenager in spite of myself. Alice suggested I get out of the house and go hunting. Because of my increased exposure to humans, I was doing my best to keep my thirst firmly at bay. A few days had passed since I had last hunted; it was a good idea. She recommended an area far to the north and told me that should work out well for me.

I ran for hours, enjoying the familiar pounding of my feet in the earth, losing myself in the rhythmic cadence of my steps. I caught a deer easily and drank quickly, taking the edge off my thirst. The taste was bitter and unsatisfying, but it served its purpose. I ventured farther into the forest, hoping to catch the scent of a predator—a bear or a mountain lion would be nice. The wind shifted and I was in luck; a mountain lion was just ahead.

I moved stealthy and silently through the trees, stalking my prey. The wind shifted again and it caught my scent just as I reached it. The lion turned towards me its ears laid back against its head, its teeth bared in a savage snarl. The muscles of its haunches bunched as it prepared to spring at me. I launched myself at the great cat before it could act, wrapping my arms around its body, sinking my hands into its lush, tawny fur. My teeth sliced through its throat and I greedily drank down its savory blood. The lion struggled in my embrace, its sharp claws uselessly clawing the air, its body bucking and thrashing against my hips and torso. My senses came alive as its movements slowly ceased and its life was gradually subsumed into my body.

I drew my head back, licking my lips in satisfaction, gently caressing the luxurious pelt that had housed my sustenance, enjoying the feel of it, soft and wild against my skin.

After disposing of the body, I began the journey back to Forks. The sun was making its appearance over the horizon and the world was bathed in a soft golden light. My body sang with a sanguine pleasure; my skin thrilled to the rush of the wind as I raced towards home. The essence of the mountain lion coursed through my veins and I felt vibrant and powerful and almost alive, my senses heightened and fully aroused.

As I exited the trees I spied a solitary figure jogging down the road. Even from this distance I already knew who it was. I waited at the edge of the forest with heady anticipation, enjoying the play of his muscles, his elegant form. I could tell the moment he recognized me by his quickened breathing and the tell-tale beating of his traitorous heart. I felt his excitement, equal to my own.

When he finally reached me, he stopped just feet away, panting heavily, his chest heaving from exertion. His skin was covered with a slight sheen of sweat and he reached up his arm to wipe the beads from his forehead, using the band on his wrist to absorb the moisture. I could feel the heat pouring off him, the flush of his cheeks deepening as he stood.

My mind was seized with images—his body bucking and thrashing against my own, my arms wrapped around his torso, my mouth at his neck, my hands on his skin. I saw us together in countless ways, our bodies joining and moving and touching and straining, his head thrown back in pleasure, his voice calling out my name, my body pulsing deep inside him, my face buried between his legs.

No longer could I pretend confusion about the emotions this boy brought out in me. I knew I had refused to face them head on; they were wildly inappropriate. He was an innocent, and although of legal age, he was just a boy. I was a monster, a demon, a soulless fiend, over a century older than he. If I touched him in the ways that were now filling my mind, in ways that were causing my body to thrum and awaken from the images alone, I would surely kill him.

But standing there by the side of the road, staring at my beautiful boy, I couldn't find it in me to push my hunger aside any longer. Now that my tumultuous emotions had fully surfaced, I could no longer pretend that the pull I felt was anything other than what it truly was.

It didn't matter that I was over a century older than he. It didn't matter that I was a monster, that I could kill him easily with one careless move. It didn't matter that our situation seemed worse than impossible.

I only knew that I wanted Edward Masen.

And from the waves of desire I felt pulsing from his direction, I knew that Edward wanted me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 9 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/05/chapter-9-sniffing-twilight.html)


	11. Chapter 10 - Eternity in an Hour

**"To see a world in a grain of sand  
And a heaven in a wild flower,  
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand  
And eternity in an hour.."**

_\- William Blake, "Auguries of Innocence," l. 1-4_

* * *

**Chapter 10 – Eternity in an Hour**

 

EPOV

Bella and I sat in the stands watching Mike and the rest of the team on the field below. The air was crisp and cool with the taste of fall. Bella was hunched over, pressed close to my side with her hands wrapped around a cup of hot chocolate, trying to stay warm.

"Brrr. We should have brought a blanket," she said with a dramatic shiver.

"Here, you can have my scarf," I said, unwinding the green wool from around my neck and draping it across her shoulders.

"Thanks," she said as she wrapped it around her neck. I saw her bend her face down so that her nose was covered by its folds and take in a deep breath.

"Bella," I said in warning.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"You were sniffing my scarf," I said in an accusing tone.

"And?" she asked.

"You were sniffing my scarf!" I said again, as if it were self explanatory.

She rolled her eyes. "I can still think you smell good without it meaning I'm in love with you, Edward," she said.

"If you say so," I said with a tinge of disbelief.

"I do say so," she said. "As a matter of fact, I don't know why I'm smelling your scarf when I have the real thing so close." With that she leaned over and stuck her nose in my neck, nuzzling it behind my ear and rubbing it up and down as she made loud, over exaggerated sniffing noises. "Mmm, you smell goooood," she crooned in between sniffs.

"Stop! That tickles!" I told her, leaning away from her and trying unsuccessfully not to laugh. She leaned with me, continuing to sniff until she collapsed in a fit of giggles. I sat back up laughing and put my arm around her, giving her a squeeze.

"God, you're a freak," I said with a smile.

"Takes one to know one," she quipped back, sticking out her tongue.

"I know you are, but what…" I stopped abruptly as I saw a tall figure in a leather jacket watching us from the edge of the stands. My heart raced.

"He came," I said softly. Bella followed my gaze to where Jasper stood standing.

"Oh," she said with a small gasp of surprise. When he made no move to come closer and indeed looked as if he may leave instead, she said, "You go, Edward. I'll catch a ride with Alice if I need to."

I wasn't going to argue. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, saying, "Thanks, Bella," before making my way down the stands to where Jasper stood.

The past several weeks had been both thrilling and confusing. When I had encountered Jasper by the side of the road while I had been out running a few weekends ago, I had been one hundred percent certain that the powerful attraction I felt for him had been returned.

I had first seen him from a distance as he made his way through the trees at the edge of the forest, his movements powerful and graceful. Even though he was too far away for me to see his face, there was something about the way his body moved, so strong and sure, that was immediately recognizable to me. He waited by the side of the road, a solitary figure cloaked with an aura of danger. If it had been anyone else, anyone but the boy I was so inexplicably drawn to, I might have been afraid, seeing his imposing figure standing alone on a lightly traveled road near the edge of the woods. My heart rate increased as I neared him, but it wasn't from fear.

He practically glowed with energy and I felt that irresistible pull as I stood there panting and sweating from my run, trying to catch my breath. His hair was loose around his face, untamed and wild. We simply stared at each other, my eyes traveling over his muscled chest under his tight long sleeve tee, down his body to the unmistakable bulge in his pants. At the sight a surge of desire ripped through me and images of our bodies entwined, naked and thrusting, raced through my head. I raised my eyes to his face and saw his eyes darkened with desire, the gold so stunning against the pupils, black as night.

Jasper Whitlock wanted me.

He could damn well have me.

I took a step closer and my movements seemed to rouse him out of his lusty haze. His expression became shuttered as he took a small step back in response, keeping the distance between us. Disappointment washed over me and I was reminded of my attempt to hug him goodbye the first time I had stopped over at his house after school.

"Good morning, Edward," he said. God, I loved hearing him say my name. "Are you enjoying your run?"

My momentary disappointment was not enough to dampen the thrill I had gotten from the knowledge that this gorgeous creature found me desirable.

"Yes, I am," I responded. "The scenery's great along this route." I grinned at him, flirting outrageously and letting my eyes travel over his body in an obvious manner. I didn't care how corny my line sounded.

"It is indeed," he replied and those shutters briefly opened to reveal a twinkle in his eye before slamming tightly shut again into an impassive expression.

Not wanting to push things, but wanting to spend more time with him, I asked, "Would you like to run with me? I was about to turn around and head back towards town."

"I'd like that," he answered. I inwardly cheered as he agreed.

He matched his pace to mine and we ran side by side in companionable silence. Occasionally I'd slow down a bit and fall behind so I could stare at the muscles in his back as his arms pumped at his sides and watch the curve of his ass as his legs pounded the road. He was incredibly sexy. I could look at him all day. The tension that existed whenever I was around him only grew stronger as we moved together down the road. I wondered if he felt it too. I fantasized about ripping his shirt off and running my hands over his body, feeling those hard muscles under my fingertips, gripping his juicy ass in my hands. My dick started responding to my thoughts and I shook my head, telling myself to slow the fuck down or I'd be trying to run with a massive hard on. Still, it didn't hurt to look. The boy was fine.

I stopped when I reached the juncture in the road where I knew our paths would diverge. The Cullens lived on the far edge of town in the opposite direction from my own neighborhood. As we came to a stop, I leaned over, resting my hands on my knees for a minute, taking a few deep breaths. I stood up and wiped the sweat off my brow and turned towards Jasper, reluctant to see him go. I was amazed as I looked over at him; he looked like he hadn't even broken a sweat and wasn't the slightest bit out of breath. He appeared as energized and fresh as when I had first seen him this morning. God, he was gorgeous.

"Wow, you are in incredible shape," I told him. "You should think about joining the cross country team." I would love that. I'd get to see him at practices, meets, in the showers…

He shifted uncomfortably, looking nervous. He obviously wasn't keen on that idea.

"Or not," I said, trailing off. He still hadn't spoken.

I tried another suggestion. "Maybe you could come running with me again some morning."

"I'd like that," he said.

"Yeah?" I asked, a huge grin on my face.

"Yes," he answered with a small smile. We stood there on the side of the road, looking into each other's eyes. I knew I probably looked dopey, smiling and staring, but I didn't care. He wanted to spend more time with me outside of school and that made me practically fucking giddy. A car driving by broke our stare and I laughed a little in embarrassment.

"Well, I guess I should be getting home," I said, making no move to leave. He didn't seem to be in any hurry to go either.

"I guess," he repeated noncommittally.

We stood there a while longer, staring at each other, loathe to part. Monday seemed a long time away. I had some sudden inspiration.

"A group of us are going to Sequim to catch the game tonight. Do you want to ride over with me?"

I watched his face as he seemed to struggle with an answer, indecision marring his perfect features. "Tonight's not a good night," he finally answered.

"Oh, okay." I was disappointed beyond words. I didn't want to look at him and have him see just how rejected I felt when I heard his answer. I'm sure it was written all over my face.

We stood there in silence for another long moment. I heard his voice again, speaking hesitantly: "Would you like to come over tomorrow for another game of chess?"

I raised my head to look at him, another stupid wide grin splitting my face. "I'd love to."

"Good," he said. "Just stop by whenever you want. I'll be around all day."

I wonder how early he gets up in the morning, I thought to myself with amusement.

Knowing that I was going to see him the next day made it easier to go our separate ways. I replayed our interaction in my head over and over that night while at the game with the gang, barely paying attention to what was going on around me. That look in his eyes… his obvious arousal… I hadn't been mistaken, I was sure of it. Just thinking about it made my stomach do flips.

Over the next few weeks I was less sure. We had gotten together numerous times, and although there were moments when I had caught him staring at me and thought I saw that same look in his eyes, for the most part, he maintained that maddening impassive expression. I started to wonder if I had imagined it.

I, on the other hand, was anything but impassive. He had a powerful effect on me. I couldn't stop staring at him, wanting to touch him, be close to him, to smell him. I lived for the moments when our knees would bump under the chess table. I loved the times when he'd lean in towards me as we talked, his expression losing that controlled mask for a moment and revealing an intensity, a longing, that made my head spin and left me wondering if he was as affected by me as I was by him.

It seemed as if each time I broke through that impassive façade, the wall would slam down twice as fast and as hard as before.

During prep hour, I subtly tried to solicit information about Jasper from Alice. As usual, she was entirely too perceptive, but she seemed to approve of my interest in her brother.

"He likes you too, Edward. You're good for him," she told me. "I'm glad you're becoming friends."

When I tried to find out more about his life before he came to live with the Cullens, wondering what had happened to make him so wary and cautious, she was very evasive. "That's something you'll have to ask him about Edward," she told me. Her expression was troubled. "His life was… full of violence." I felt sick to my stomach as she spoke. "Just… please be patient with him."

I was reminded of Mr. Mistoffolees, the black cat that lived in the colony in the woods behind the Newton's store. Mrs. Newton had worked with a local shelter to trap the animals one by one. They had a program to spay and neuter the feral cats then afterwards they'd be released back out into the woods. The Newtons had taken to feeding the colony as it had stabilized to a recognizable group. Eventually, a few of the animals began to hang around the store, waiting for the food to be put down. Occasionally, they'd even let one of the Newtons pet them, or became brave enough to rub up against a leg.

Mr. Mistoffolees would come close the back door of the store, but when the food was brought out, he'd move just out of reach, waiting until the bowl was set down on the ground, only returning close when the human retreated. He was always on the periphery, watching and observing. The last holdout. After months of this behavior and of Mr. Newton studiously ignoring the skittish creature, Mr. Mistoffolees finally brushed up gently against Mr. Newton's leg one afternoon. Now the cat even allowed an occasional scratch behind the ears, but only by Mr. Newton and only very rarely.

If Alice said I should be patient, then patient I would be. That didn't stop me, however, from trying to draw him out, from inviting him to any group activities I and my friends had planned. I had sat with Bella this past Friday at this same football field, distracted and periodically scanning the crowd, hoping that he might show up. Bella noticed my lack of attention.

"Looking for someone?" she asked.

"Hmm?" I responded, noncommittally.

"I just noticed that you're not watching the game and you seem to be looking for someone. It wouldn't happen to be an insanely gorgeous, tall blonde Texan would it?"

Insanely gorgeous? Bella wasn't interested in him too, was she? Although why wouldn't she be. He was movie star good looking and certainly the hottest guy in Forks.

"Wait," I said. "You're not interested in Jasper, are you? Is he the guy you met over the summer?"

"Hardly," she scoffed. "I should hope I learned my lesson about that!"

I was confused. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"You know," she said elbowing me playfully. "The falling for unavailable guys lesson."

"Oh," I answered, deflated. "I didn't realize he was seeing someone." I felt overwhelmingly disappointed. I couldn't believe I had never even thought about that possibility. Of course a guy as smart and as good looking as he was seeing someone.

"Edward," she said in an exasperated tone. "That's not what I meant. I meant that I think you're more his type."

"Me?" I asked, hope returning. Bella was very observant. She had been the first one to figure out I was gay, after all.

"Yes, you," she said laughing. "I think Jasper has a thing for you."

"Really?" I asked excitedly. I started to ramble, letting it all pour out. "Because I could have sworn he was attracted to me, and God knows I'm attracted to him. He is so fucking hot. But then it seems like every time we get a little close, he pulls away and it's so confusing, and then I started to think that maybe I imagined it. So you think? Really?"

Bella was laughing at me. "Yes, really, Edward. He looks at you like you're something to eat."

"God, I wish," I said with a heartfelt sigh, feeling my dick twitch at even the suggestion.

My heart was lighter after that conversation. I would be patient and I wouldn't push, but I was not going to hide how I was feeling. Jasper would know for certain that I was interested in him and when he was ready, I'd be there waiting.

I had called him that weekend to go running with me again on Sunday morning and he agreed, meeting me at the same intersection from which we had parted last time. He was waiting when I ran up and I was gratified to see that that hungry look was back in his eyes. Now that Bella had reinforced the idea that Jasper was interested in me, I decided to not over-think things and just enjoy the times he dropped his mask and showed me how he felt. I'm sure he could see a similar look reflected back at him.

It was too difficult to talk while we were both running, but I didn't mind; I was happy to be spending time with him, just the two of us. I was completely aware of him every single second. Once again I slowed my pace so I could watch his body as he ran, his muscles rippling underneath his clothes. His physique was unreal. My own body couldn't help but respond to him.

After our run we made arrangements to meet after school again next week on afternoons I didn't have practice, and I went home, happy and excited. As I showered my mind was full of images of Jasper and I stroked myself to orgasm thinking of his strong back, his firm ass, those full and luscious lips. I wanted to feel them on my own lips; I wanted to feel them on my cock. I wanted to feel him.

Every chance I got, I observed Jasper carefully, wanting to know everything about him. I noticed that he hated to eat in front of people. He avoided physical contact with anyone but Alice. In fact they were very affectionate with each other, often holding each other's hand, or giving each other supportive hugs. Alice would also have no qualms about settling in Jasper's lap and putting her arms around his neck and resting her head on his shoulder. She was the sole recipient of his dazzling smiles. I envied how comfortable they were with each other and how he seemed to trust her implicitly. I was more determined than ever to be patient and allow Jasper to come to trust me as a friend too.

That he had shown up here tonight, at my invitation, sent a thrill through me. I hoped that meant I was making progress. I stopped in front of him after I made my way down the stands. "Hi Jasper," I said with a wide smile. "I'm really glad you decided to come. Do you want to sit with us?"

He looked up at Bella and she gave us a small wave from the bleachers. "I don't want to intrude," he said looking uncomfortable.

"It's not an intrusion," I assured him. "I invited you, after all." I added shyly, "I was hoping you'd show up." He searched my face

Just then the crowd let out a huge roar and people jumped to their feet. Jasper seemed to almost reel as he took a step backwards, shock on his face.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He seemed a little embarrassed. "Yes, I'm fine. I was just startled. I…usually avoid crowds," he said.

"We could get out of here if you want. I don't need to see the game," I suggested. "Mike will be giving me a play by play later anyway."

"That sounds good, if you really don't mind. Do you want to come back to the house?"

"Sure," I replied. I was more than fine with hanging out with him one on one rather than being at a stadium full of people. I looked to find Bella again and when I caught her eye, signaled that we would be leaving. She gave me the okay sign with her fingers as Jasper and I headed for the parking lot.

I asked where his car was and he said Esme had dropped him off, so I directed him to my Volvo. Sitting so close to him in the small enclosed space of the car made me both nervous and excited. He smelled fantastic—somewhat spicy, a little woodsy with a touch of something sweet, maybe almonds. I thought about Bella jokingly sniffing my neck earlier and I wished that I could lean in and do the same to Jasper. Instead I settled for taking a deep lungful, enjoying his scent.

We didn't talk much on the drive over. When we arrived at his house, I was surprised to see the two figures seated in the living room.

"Edward!" Emmett roared. "How've you been?"

"Doing fine. It's good to see you, Emmett! How's college?"

"College is great. We missed everyone, though, so Rosalie and I thought we'd come home for the weekend."

I looked over to acknowledge Rosalie sitting on the couch next to him. "Rosalie," I said, nodding.

"Masen," she said in that familiar slightly bitchy tone.

Jasper, probably sensing the frost in the air, said to me, "C'mon. We can hang out in my room."

My stomach did a little flip flop. I turned and followed Jasper from the room.

"Catch you later, guys," I said to Emmett and Rosalie.

As we started up the stairs I heard Rosalie whisper loudly to Emmett, "What is he doing here?"

I rolled my eyes. Same old Rosalie.

When we got to the top of the stairs Jasper turned to me, looking apologetic. "I'm sorry about that."

I reassured him, "Oh, don't worry about it. She's never liked me. It doesn't bother me."

"Still," he responded, "you're my guest."

"Really, Jasper. Don't worry about it," I insisted.

He searched my face for a moment then nodded, saying, "My room is this way."

He led me to a room at the end of the hall. The back wall immediately drew my eyes. It was almost all glass, with large windows looking out over the trees beyond. In front of it sat a black leather sofa and a low table with a few books lying on top. The wall to the right was completely covered with shelves from floor to ceiling, every single one filled to the brim with books. The opposite wall housed a large bed covered with several pillows and a handmade quilt.

"Wow," I said looking around. "You have a ton of books." I inwardly cringed at how stupid I must have sounded. Way to state the obvious, Edward.

Jasper watched me take it all in.

I wandered over to the shelves to check out the titles. They were predominately filled with two types of books: history books and poetry.

"Have you read all these?" I asked incredulously.

"Not all of them. A lot of them. Some are Carlisle's."

"History's always been my worst subject," I admitted. "I find it kind of boring. All those dates to remember."

"History shouldn't be about memorizing dates. It should be stories about the people and their passions."

"I guess I never really thought about it like that."

"Take war, for example. Many were about people, like you, having something in their lives important enough to die for."

He continued on, "Numerous wars have been fought in the name of religion. I know many people today think that idea of fighting—killing people—over religion is barbaric and primitive, but humans were no different during the Crusades than they are today. They're still motivated by the same drives, the same passions, the same hopes and dreams. Religious wars are certainly not a thing of the past."

I loved it when he let his guard down to talk about subjects he liked.

He came closer to me as he spoke. "Wars have been fought for less glorious causes—control of resources, territorial disputes, power, simple intolerance. Scholars and philosophers have argued for centuries over what makes a war 'just,' if there can even be such a thing. And soldiers weren't always men taking a stand for something noble. Many were mercenaries, or joined the military out of civic obligation, or as simply a job to earn money to feed their families. It's easy to judge the past through the lens of the future; it's harder to understand the heart of a man who acts in ways that are foreign to today's values. But even he must have had his reasons. It must have meant something, even if his choices were not ones we would choose to make today."

I had never heard anyone our age talk like him. My parents and their friends, maybe, as they sat around the dinner table arguing about politics. He was almost magnetic as he expressed his views. I found him endlessly fascinating.

"When you put it like that, it's doesn't sound boring at all," I told him.

I wasn't done with my exploring. I walked over to the table to look at the books he had laid out there.

"What are you reading now?" I asked.

"Some poetry," he answered. "Wilfred Owen, William Blake."

"I saw all the poetry books," I said, nodding my head back towards the shelves. "Bella would love your collection."

"She likes poetry?"

"Mmm hmm," I answered absently, picking up the Owen book and leafing through it. I read through a few of the poems. They were obviously about war, but they seemed almost at odds with the conversation we had just had.

"Sometimes when I struggle for answers, I find that poetry speaks to deeper truths," he said, as if answering my unspoken thoughts.

"Will you read one to me?" I asked. I loved the sound of his voice. I wanted to hear that southern drawl sliding over the words on the page.

He slid the book gently out of my hands. "Not the Owen. Not for you. But the Blake..."

He picked up the other book from the table, but didn't open it. Instead he started to speak in a low smooth voice.

" _Little Lamb, who made thee?  
Dost thou know who made thee?  
Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,  
By the stream and o'er the mead;  
Gave thee clothing of delight,  
Softest clothing, woolly, bright;  
Gave thee such a tender voice,  
Making all the vales rejoice?  
Little Lamb, who made thee?  
Dost thou know who made thee?_"

"I recognize that one," I said when he paused. " _Songs of Innocence_ , right?"

"Yes."

"Will you read me another one? Something longer, maybe?" I asked, wanting time to revel in the sound of his voice.

"If you like," he responded. I nodded. "Did you want to sit?" he asked, motioning to the leather couch in front of us.

I sat at one end and lifted my knee onto the cushion, hooking my foot underneath my other knee, so I could face him as he took a seat at the opposite end. He mirrored my pose and flipped through the book, stopping at a page and beginning to speak.

" _To see a World in a Grain of Sand  
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower  
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand  
And Eternity in an hour,_" he began.

I recognized the beginnings of _Auguries of Innocence_ , and not just because Mike had made me watch the Tomb Raider movie at least a dozen times, but from actually having read it in my English class. Suddenly, it was infinitely more interesting than when my teacher had discussed it with us last year. I settled in, watching his face as he recited the paradoxical lines, letting the smooth sound of his voice wash over me.

I almost began to tune out the actual words, finding myself lost in the cadence of his speech. I enjoyed the opportunity to study him in detail as his eyes remained on the page. His hands were strong yet elegant. His lips were supple and full. I was mesmerized watching them move as he spoke. As had happened with increasing frequency lately, I found myself wondering what those lips would feel like pressed against mine. We were so close on this couch, alone up in his bedroom. How would he react if I simply leaned over to kiss him, just took a chance and went for it? Would he kiss me back? Would he press me back against the arm rest of the couch, his body leaning over mine? Would he grind up against me and run his hands over my body?

As if he could sense my thoughts, he lifted his eyes from the page. They were dark and penetrating. He looked me directly in the eye as he recited the next few lines:

" _Some are Born to sweet delight  
Some are Born to sweet delight  
Some are Born to Endless Night_."

His expression was so serious; I got the feeling he was warning me away. Maybe now wasn't the time. Maybe he wasn't ready for that, although I knew I completely was. I could be patient, as Alice had suggested. And in the meantime, that didn't mean I couldn't dream about his lips on mine, his hands on my skin.

He put the book back on the table as he finished the poem and stared at me, his eyes still dark. He was so sexy, it was unreal. I missed the sound of his voice already.

"Tell me about Texas," I asked, wanting to keep him talking.

"What would you like to know?" he asked in response.

"Anything," I answered, meaning it. I wanted to know anything and everything about him. Whatever he wanted to share about his life, I would eagerly be listening.

He told me about the magnolia tree that grew outside the kitchen window of a home he lived in when he was a boy. He spoke of the summer heat and the sun bright and hot, so different from Forks and the Olympic Peninsula. I told him about playing in the tide pools as a child and learning to fish with my Dad. He told me very little about actual events or details of his life; instead, I learned what he thought about different topics, how he felt about things. Each subject merged easily into another and before we knew it, hours had passed.

I didn't want the night to end. He had been so open with me, and I felt I could talk about anything with him. We were definitely growing closer and even though I didn't know his past, didn't know what brought him here, what events had made him the way he was, I still felt that I was beginning to know _him_. I was afraid that once I left, the next time I saw him he would be closed and guarded again.

Reluctantly, I spoke: "I need to go. My mom will get worried if I'm not home soon."

I knew I wasn't imagining the look of disappointment on his face. "Okay." He hesitated then added, "I'm glad you came over. It was… nice."

"It was. Nice," I replied, grinning, thinking that was the understatement of the year.

I didn't want to leave without a definite plan in place for the next time I could see him. "Would you like to meet me for another run Sunday morning?" I asked.

"I'd like that," he said, and I got the customary thrill hearing him agree to spend time with me. We confirmed the details as we walked down the stairs to the front door.

Once again I had the urge to kiss him, to just reach over and grab the back of his neck, pulling him to my face and pressing my lips against his. We were standing close and I could feel that crazy pull, stronger than ever. It was all I could do to stand there without acting on it. I had never felt such a strong attraction to anyone or anything.

"Well," I said, swallowing heavily, trying to control my urges, "Goodnight Jasper."

His eyes were so dark and I could see the emotions swirling in their depths, his impassive mask nowhere to be seen.

He reached his hand up towards my face and I felt my heart immediately race in anticipation of his touch as I held my breath.

Before his hand reached my skin, however, he dropped it to his side and took a small step back from me. "Goodnight, Edward," he said softly.

-o-

Sunday morning I left my house almost twenty minutes early to jog to our meeting spot. As I rounded the corner, I saw a tall figure already waiting at the intersection. I couldn't stop the wide smile from forming on my face. God, he looked good.

"Good morning, Edward," he said with a small smile as I stopped in front of him.

"Good morning," I replied, still grinning. I should be used to my reaction upon seeing him by now, but each time I was with him after any absence at all, I was again awed by his beauty, his magnificent presence. My heart would pound and my breath would catch and I'd feel like the luckiest guy in the world that he was here to spend time with me.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Yeah, let's go," I answered, heading out of town in the direction we usually took.

After we ran for a while I noticed the sky was beginning to darken and large clouds were forming in the distance.

"I think we should head back," I said. "That looks like it could get nasty."

Jasper agreed as we reversed our direction and started heading back towards town.

The sky grew darker and we could hear the rumblings of thunder in the distance. I looked back behind us and the clouds appeared to be rolling towards us at an alarming speed.

"I don't think we're going to make it home before it hits," I said, as raindrops started to hit my face. "We should head to my house; it's closer."

Jasper agreed and we picked up our pace as we tried to outrun the storm. When we were about a block away from my house, our luck ran out and we were drenched in a torrential downpour. It was as if huge buckets of cold water were being dumped directly over our heads. In seconds we were soaked to the skin.

"Run!" I yelled over the noise of the storm and I sprinted as fast as I could to the front door, yanking it open and hurrying inside, Jasper right behind me. We stood in the foyer, just dripping with water, huge puddles forming at our feet. I looked at Jasper, at his hair matted to his head, rivulets of water pouring down his face, his clothes soaked through and clinging to his body. Fueled by the adrenaline of our mad dash and struck by the ridiculousness of the situation, I burst out into peals of laughter.

Jasper, seeing my mirth, broke out into a dazzling smile and soon he was laughing too. The sound, one I had never heard from him before, was like music. His face was radiant, golden eyes dancing, deep dimples creasing his cheeks. I had never seen nor heard anything more beautiful in my life.

The impulse I had tamped down time and time again these past few weeks came rushing to the surface. Caught up in the exuberance of the moment, enraptured by his glowing visage, captivated by the sight of his wet clothing clinging to his body, revealing every muscular curve and line, I could no longer push it aside; I didn't want to.

My entire body strummed with anticipation as I reached one hand to the back of his neck and placed the other on his shoulder, pulling him closer as I leaned up to touch my lips to his. That electrical shock that had shot through me when we first had touched pulsed rapidly through my entire body, setting a fire blazing across my skin. I moved my lips against his mouth, and was consumed by a heady desire, drunk with the feel of his firm lips against mine, his hard muscles under my hands, his delicious scent filling my lungs. I was kissing Jasper and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life.

I felt him stiffen almost immediately, frozen in surprise at my action. I pulled away from him, too full of joy to be overly concerned at his not unexpected reaction. He stared at me in shock, his eyes darkened and full of emotion.

"What are you doing, Edward?" he whispered.

"Making the first move," I answered in a breathy voice, as I leaned in to kiss him again, my heart pounding in my chest.

As our lips touched, I became hyper aware of every sensation—the soft and smooth feel of his mouth, the firm and supple texture of the cool skin under my fingers, his spicy-sweet woodsy scent. I wanted to stay trapped in that moment forever, drowning in happiness and Jasper and the taste of honey on my lips. I pulled back again, smiling, and still he stood, completely immobile, as if he'd turned to stone. It was then that I noticed I had started to shiver and that Jasper's skin was ice cold under my hand.

"Geez, you're freezing!" I exclaimed in concern. "C'mon. We need to get you out of those wet clothes and warmed up." I grabbed his hand in mine and started pulling him towards the stairs. He followed obediently, not saying a word. We left a trail of water behind us as we made our way to the second floor.

I led him to my bathroom and turned the water on in the shower, adjusting the temperature until it was hot and steamy.

"Here you go," I said, grabbing a towel from the linen cabinet and placing it over the nearby hook. Just throw those clothes on the floor and I'll get you something to wear. You can change in my bedroom when you're done. I'll use the bathroom down the hall."

He nodded without speaking and I left him alone. I went back to my bedroom and pulled out a pair of sweats, a tee for underneath, some socks, and a pair of boxers. I left them on the bed for Jasper to put on when he was done. After grabbing some clothes for myself, I went down the hall to the guest bath to take my own shower.

I tried not to think about Jasper being naked and wet just down the hall as I soaped my skin and let the hot water warm me, but of course that was impossible. I hurried through my shower, so I wouldn't be tempted to jack off. Even so, I could barely keep the grin off my face as I thought about the feel of his lips under mine. He hadn't exactly kissed me back, but he hadn't pushed me away either. I wondered how he'd react if I did it again.

Once I was dressed, I grabbed my wet clothes from the floor and took them down to the laundry room. I headed back up the stairs to get Jasper's from my bathroom floor. When I opened the door to my bedroom, it was now me who was frozen in shock. Jasper stood clad only in a towel draped low across his hips, his impressive physique on display for my ravenous eyes. His hair was in damp tendrils around his face, as if it had been hastily rubbed with a towel. His shoulders were broad and strong, the planes of his chest smooth and defined, the muscles of his abdomen rock hard, his long legs and arms beautifully formed. The desire that I felt for him flared to life, bright and hot. I wanted to run my hands over his body, down his stomach, tracing the trail of hair that disappeared under the terry cloth fabric. I wanted to lick his chest and run my tongue over his nipples. I wanted to feel him, skin against skin, pressed hard against me.

What stopped me, however, was something else that was revealed now that I was seeing him without a shirt for the first time. His torso, his shoulders, his arms were completely covered in scars, faint but evident, in half moon shapes, criss-crossing his skin like a lattice of pain. He was literally covered in them. I now understood why he was excused from gym and wouldn't join any organized sports.

"Jasper, what _happened_ to you?" I gasped in a shocked voice.

He didn't answer, but stood still, watching me warily as my eyes traveled over his body. I walked slowly towards him, taking his hand and gently tugging him down to sit on the bed next to the clothes I had laid out for him. I lifted my finger and traced the line of one the scars on his chest. When he didn't protest, I continued tracing more of the faint lines that covered his body, taking inventory of his pain. I couldn't image what he must have gone through, how many hours, days, weeks, even years of suffering he must have endured to receive such lasting marks. My heart ached for him.

I felt my throat tighten at even the thought of his pain and I hastily shut my eyes to prevent tears from escaping. I was overwhelmed with emotion and leaned over to place my lips against one of the scars on his shoulder.

He immediately stiffened, holding completely still, not even breathing, as my lips touched his skin, warm and damp from his shower. But he didn't pull away. I gently lifted his arm and pressed more kisses down his bicep across the web of scars that decorated his body then moved behind him on the bed to continue my actions across his strong wide back, as if my lips could take away the pain of his past. I placed more kisses down his other arm as I came back around him to sit at the edge of the bed next to him. I reached my hand up to touch his face and turn it gently toward me. I leaned in, whispering, "Jasper," as I pressed my lips gently against his mouth.

"Don't," he choked out in a strangled whisper, and my heart clenched. I pulled away and saw that his eyes were tightly closed. I rested my forehead against his, dropping my hand to his shoulder then leaned back after a moment, my hand sliding down his arm as I took his hand in mine. He opened his eyes and I was drowning in a maelstrom of emotion, his turmoil and conflict evident on his face.

"Jasper, I won't ever hurt you," I whispered to him in a low earnest voice, hoping he could hear the sincerity of my words. He was swallowing rapidly and a panicked expression was rapidly forming on his features.

Just then I heard the door downstairs opening and my mom calling, "Edward, I'm home." I stood, separating myself from Jasper, giving him some room to collect himself. Patient. I needed to be patient.

I had felt his hand beginning to chill again as I held it, so I said, "You're starting to get cold again. Why don't you get dressed and come downstairs. I'll introduce you to my mom. I'll just take your clothes down to put in the wash."

He nodded and I left the room.

A few minutes later I was introducing him to my mom in the kitchen, Jasper charming her with his smooth southern voice and his "How do you do, ma'am." They chatted for a few minutes, Mom asking him about school and his parents and siblings.

"Would you like to stay for lunch, Jasper?" she asked next.

"Thank you, but I need to get home. I have some homework to finish up before school tomorrow."

"I'll drive you," I told him and we said our goodbyes and headed out to the car.

We didn't speak the entire drive and I was nervous, wondering if I had ruined things with my impulsive actions today. When we pulled up to the house, I put the car in park and turned towards him.

"Jasper, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable today. I just… really like you," I admitted lamely.

He turned towards me, staring at me with that impassive expression I was coming to know so well. Then his face broke out into another one of his dazzling smiles; he reached over to pull my face towards his and he kissed me hard and fast, in a burst of passion that sent a flush to my face and my heart racing.

He leaned back, reaching for the door handle and said with a smile, "I like you too, Edward," and then he was gone, while I sat there stunned, a stupid grin breaking out over my face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 10 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/05/chapter-10-eternity-in-hour.html)


	12. Chapter 11 - Burning Bright

**"When the stars threw down their spears  
And water'd heaven with their tears:  
Did he smile his work to see?  
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?**

**Tyger Tyger burning bright,  
In the forests of the night:,  
What immortal hand or eye,  
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?"**

_\- William Blake, "The Tyger," l. 17-24_

* * *

**Chapter 11 – Burning Bright**

 

JPOV

I went straight to my room after arriving home, wanting time to process the events of the morning, a smile still lingering on my face. I could feel Alice's excitement and curiosity from down the hall and suspected she must have seen part of what transpired between me and Edward, but she allowed me my privacy. I appreciated her restraint.

I kicked off my boots and stretched out on the bed with my hands behind my head. I shut my eyes and re-lived the memory of his lips on mine. I could still see his face, damp from the rain, eye shining with laughter, happy and beautiful. His joy was contagious and I found myself laughing along with him, a sound that had rarely left my mouth in the last hundred years. I felt the surge of desire that ripped through him, and his uninhibited response, as he boldly pulled me to him in a passionate kiss.

I had been frozen in shock, the touch of his lips burning a fire straight through me. The smell of him, the taste of him, so overpowering I was stunned. My mind was paralyzed and I was unable to formulate a thought, much less a reaction. I simply stood there, a blazing pillar of flame.

Shock had again been my reaction when Edward surprised me after my shower. My many scars, covering my body like a monstrous cloak, had been on display for him to see. The desire I felt from him when he first entered the room gave way to alarm. I was afraid to look at him, afraid to see the disgust on his face, the rejection in his eyes. I was hideous, scarred and ugly, marred from years of battle and decades of strife, my evil nature branded onto my skin. Yet, when I raised my eyes to his face, he did not shy away in repulsion. Instead, he took my hand and led me to the bed, gently touching my skin, tracing the lines on my chest, the heat from his finger incinerating my flesh like a sacred fire.

When his lips followed the trail of his fingers, I thought I would surely combust into a pile of ashes. The compassion and concern I felt radiating from him was like a tsunami of tenderness. My body stilled and I shut my eyes, unsure if I would survive the onslaught. With each soft kiss I felt my chest cracking open, my stone heart splintering into dust. I had faced countless enemies, fought endless battles against vengeful and treacherous opponents, yet nothing had ever disarmed me as easily as the gentle touches from this bewitching beautiful boy.

He was so close and I could feel the beat of his heart pulsing strongly in my ears. As he leaned forward to press his lips against my skin, I could swear I felt its rhythm vibrating through my entire body like a shock of life. What was he doing to me, this sweet remarkable boy? I was paralyzed, completely overwhelmed at the myriad of sensations he was causing—his tender touch, his burning kisses, his thundering pulse.

When he reached his hand to turn my face towards his, leaning in to place his mouth once again on mine, I choked out a protest, desperate to regain some equilibrium before I drowned in the eddy of emotions swirling round me. As I opened my mouth taking breath to speak, his scent filled my lungs, grounding me in the moment. He filled me, seeping into my empty spaces, gliding over my skin, into the very cells of my being.

My heart, which had disintegrated at his first delicate touches now reshaped itself from his essence. I shut my eyes tightly at the exquisite pain, the unbearable pleasure, my transformation undetectable to an outside observer, but traveling through me like a seismic wave. I was changed.

I felt whole.

"Jasper, I won't ever hurt you," he had whispered softly to me in an earnest voice.

My newly re-formed heart ached at his declaration. As if he, this sweet innocent, this gentle lamb, could ever be the cause of harm. It was I who was the monster; he who was in mortal danger, reaching through the cage to pet the beast. If he only realized how I thirsted for his blood, his throat so close, his scent so potent. If he only realized how perilous his position was, poised on the edge of death as he comforted a demon.

As he grasped my hand and looked at me with such sincerity, I felt panicked as thoughts of his blood caused venom to flow freely in my mouth. I swallowed rapidly, trying to regain control of my errant musings. He must have sensed my distress because he released me and stood, backing away, suggesting I get dressed and meet him downstairs.

I heard a gentle knock on my door and was startled out of my reminiscence, sensing Alice's curiosity had finally gotten the best of her.

"Come in, Alice," I called softly.

She perched on the edge of the bed, and looked at me expectantly, her still form belying the excitement I felt emanating from her.

"He kissed you," she said with a knowing smile.

"He did," I replied, an answering smile forming on my face. The memory of his laughter, his joyous face, warmed me, chasing away my dark thoughts until they were but shadows stretching into the distance under the bright sun of his smile.

"I knew it would happen eventually," she said with a small delighted bounce. "It was only a matter of time."

"Only a matter of time?" I asked, sitting up and cocking my head at her pronouncement of inevitability. The thought both comforted and unnerved me.

"Yes," she responded with a finality that conveyed certainty.

"You kissed him back," she added in a conspiratorial voice, as if she were telling me a secret.

My thoughts returned to my beautiful boy and the moment in the driveway when he had dropped me off. He was so nervous, so worried. Yet on top of his concern was a layer of happiness. Affection. Burning attraction. I had been overtaken by the desire to remove his worry, leaving only the happiness behind. His magnetic pull, his seductive scent had overwhelmed me in the confined space of his car and I gave in to the impulse to return us to that moment in the hall when his entire being was lit up with joy.

"What was it like, Jasper?" Alice asked wistfully.

"What was it like?" I repeated, confused. "Have you and Tyler never kissed?" I was curious how she negotiated physical closeness with the human boy she had been dating.

"Yes, we've kissed. But it… wasn't how I thought it would be."

"How did you think it would be?" I asked.

"Like in the movies. Like Rosalie and Emmett.

"Like your kiss with Edward," she added with a little sigh. "Was it wonderful? It looked wonderful."

Yes, it was wonderful. Magical. Transformative. Monumental. Words seemed inadequate.

"It was."

She smiled at me. "I'm glad, Jasper." She reached out her hand to give mine a small squeeze.

"Nothing about dating Tyler is as I expected," she continued. "I thought he would be the perfect boyfriend now that I'm a cheerleader, but high school is so complicated." She gave a heavy sigh. "I can sip coffee or hot tea to keep my lips warm and slip hand warmers in my pockets to hold his hand, but it's impossible for me to go further physically than that. I know he gets frustrated with me," she confessed, her expression sad.

"Not that I even want to take things further," she said. "He's a nice enough boy, but he doesn't make me feel the way your Edward makes you feel. I'm happy you found him."

My Edward. I liked how that sounded.

She leaned in and kissed my cheek. "It's good to see you smile," she said, as she stood to leave the room.

The door clicked shut behind her and I was once again lost in thoughts of my beautiful boy, picturing the bloom on his cheeks, his leafy green eyes, feeling the ghost of his fingers over my scar covered chest, his lips across my shoulders. I longed to feel his touch again.

After decades, I had finally discovered something that could fill my aching emptiness.

Someone.

Alice's words ran through my head, about her inability to be physically intimate with Tyler past kisses and holding hands. I thought about Edward, how much my body sang when his was near, the constant urge I had to be close to him, to touch him… hold him. The way his lips felt against mine, the way his fiery touch had unraveled me completely. How I longed to possess him, plunge into his heat and press his body flush against mine. I could feel my body already responding to the images, my erection straining in my pants.

These were impossible dreams. Impossible desires. The smile faded from my lips as I stared starkly at the reality of our situation. What in the world did I think could happen with this beautiful boy? Did I think that somehow we would date? Hold hands and perhaps kiss at evening's end? The idea was ridiculous; what I desired could never be. What in the world had I been thinking, kissing him back today? I could offer nothing to this precious boy. My touch could easily kill him. My mouth, eager to bring pleasure, could instead become the instrument of his demise. We had no future. Or rather, I had an endless one, one that would stretch forward for centuries long after he was gone. My gut clenched painfully, protesting even the slightest suggestion that we would one day part, but I knew it was a truth I had to face head on. I could never have Edward the way I wished. The way I wanted with every fiber and molecule of my being. It was impossible.

My conflicting emotions were overwhelming. The ecstatic joy from being with Edward, the awed wonder as my stone heart was transformed under his gentle touch, my mounting desolation at the hopelessness of my affections.

I felt an old familiar urge and I leapt from my bed, racing down the stairs and out of the house. I heard Alice's surprised "Jasper?" as I sped past her. I ran for hours, deep into the forest, trying to escape from the despair that threatened to overtake me. My feet pounded, attempting to outpace my troubling thoughts.

When I encountered a bear, I leapt on it, tackling it to the ground. We rolled on the forest floor and I felt its teeth and claws uselessly attacking my granite skin. The bear roared in frustration at its ineffective assault, and I allowed it to toss my body like a play thing, wishing it could tear into my flesh and let me bleed.

Another impossible desire, I thought bitterly. I roused myself from my despondency, letting my abominable nature take over as I wrestled it into submission, savagely sinking my teeth deep into its throat. The warm blood gushed into my mouth and I let it flow over and drip down my chin, splattering my torn and shredded clothing, making me appear the grotesque monster I was.

When I finished my meal, I headed back towards town, knowing that running could never be more than a temporary reprieve for me. My thoughts wandered again and again to Edward, to his beautiful magnolia skin, his strong lithe body, his crooked smile. I ached for him. As the sun descended and twilight approached, I found myself heading not towards my home, but following the same path we had run as we sprinted through the rain. I felt a pull, a magnetic force, compelling me in his direction. The Masen house came into view and I stood in the shadows, outside the glow of the street lamps, listening to the sounds from within.

The low voices of Edward and his mother drifted out into the night as they prepared an evening meal. I could hear the steady beat of his heart and it calmed me, the turmoil that had caused my flight dispelling under the comforting rhythm of his pulse.

I stood there all night, watching Edward's father pull up the drive and into the garage, hearing the sound of their voices as they ate their evening meal, the low hum of the television as the evening wore on, and finally, Edward's footsteps as he went up the stairs into his bedroom for the night. I listened to the noise of the springs as he settled himself in his bed. I heard his breathing grow deep and his heart rate increase as he stroked his arousal. And as he came with a soft cry, I heard him gasp out my name.

I burned.

His heart rate slowed and his breathing evened out into the restful rhythm of sleep. I was aware of every shift of his body throughout the night, every sigh, every soft snore. I longed to be closer, to see the gentle rise and fall of his chest, his velvet hair against the pillow, to smell his seductive, aromatic scent. But I contented myself with knowing he was safe, trying to forget that at the peak of his arousal, his thoughts had been of me.

As the sun began to rise, I tore myself away from my night long vigil and raced home to wash and change. I could hardly bear to leave. When his heartbeat faded from my hearing, I had to force myself from turning back. I knew it would only be a few hours before I was sitting next to him in school, but those hours seemed like an eternity.

I knew it was impossible. I knew it was wrong; I should have pushed him away. I should never have encouraged this in the first place by kissing him in the car in the drive outside our house. But I was helpless to deny him. When he looked at me from across the room and I felt his happiness, his uncertainty, his nervousness and most of all, his desire for me, I couldn't help but respond with a reassuring smile. His relief and euphoria rushed through me and my heart felt at home.

The week was busy and we had little time to talk outside of school. Edward had a big meet on Saturday and his coach had them staying late for extra practices. We spoke on the phone a few times, but it was obvious that he was exhausted. On Friday, Edward turned towards me in the minutes before our history class started and told me that he was sure he wouldn't feel like running on Sunday morning. I felt an absurd level of disappointment, having come to count on our mornings together to break up the long stretch of time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning.

He continued, "I thought we could take a short hike instead, if you're up for it. There's a place I'd like to show you. I'll pack a lunch for us. What do you think?"

"I'm up for it," I replied. I couldn't stay away from him.

He smiled. "Good." I smiled back.

On Sunday morning, Edward picked me up in his car and we drove just outside of town. He pulled off on a small dirt road and parked at a small turn-around about a quarter mile in.

We got out of the car and Edward slipped a small pack over his shoulders. "This way," he said, leading me to a faint, unmarked trail. We followed it for a half hour or so, not speaking as we made our way through the woods. I walked behind Edward, enjoying watching his strong back, his muscular thighs, his velvet hair, ruffled by the occasional breeze. How I yearned to run my fingers through it, to feel the softness against my skin.

Abruptly, the trees thinned and we were standing at the edge of a large meadow, a completely unexpected sight in the midst of the forest. Edward stopped and turned to me with a wide smile. "What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? You should see it in the spring. It's fucking breathtaking."

"I think it's breathtaking now," I told him, lost in his smiling green eyes. His cheeks flushed and his breath quickened and I thrilled hearing the thrum of his beating heart as he stepped closer to me, whispering, "Jasper."

In a panic, I stepped back from him and closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see the disappointment in his. I could still feel it, though.

"What are you so afraid of Jasper?" he asked softly. "You know I won't ever hurt you, don't you?"

"It's not you I'm afraid of, Edward," I told him, opening my eyes and studying his face. "I'm afraid that I'm going to end up hurting you."

"I don't believe you would ever hurt me, Jasper. I don't. I trust you. I just wish that you would trust me too." He took a step closer and I steeled myself from stepping back again.

"It isn't a matter of trust," I told him, frustrated that I was unable to explain why I couldn't be who he wanted me to be.

"What is it then? You can talk to me about anything, you know."

I didn't know how to answer him.

He sighed and slipped the backpack from his shoulders. He unzipped the main compartment and pulled out a thin blanket. "C'mon, let's sit," he said, cocking his head towards the middle of the meadow.

He spread the blanket and sat down on it, patting the spot next to him. I joined him on the ground. He leaned back and put his hands behind his head, lying flat and closing his eyes.

"I come here to think," he said. "It's quiet and I always feel like I'm in my own private world, away from everything else. I can just be here and not worry about what anyone else thinks."

"It's nice. I like it," I said, taking the opportunity to study his face, the strong line of his jaw, his soft rosy lips. His jacket had pulled up when he extended his arms and I could see his shirt underneath pulling loose. I wanted to tug it free and run my hands across his abdomen, to feel his muscles quiver as I slid my fingers under the waist band of his jeans. I wanted to lean over and breathe his scent and press my lips against his mouth. I wanted to lie on top of him and feel him under me, thrusting and moaning. I wanted to possess him and keep him with me always. For the first time in my vampire existence, I wanted time to stop and for this moment to go on forever. In this very moment, I could pretend he was mine.

I lay down on my back next to him, mirroring his pose and closing my eyes. I could feel the heat from his body warming my left side. "Talk to me, Jasper," he said.

"About what?"

"About anything." He paused. "What are you reading now?"

"More Blake, at the moment," I answered.

"I liked hearing you read the Blake," he said. "Maybe you'll read me some more some time."

I thought for a moment then began speaking the lines from the poem that I had been contemplating recently.

" _Tyger Tyger, burning bright,  
In the forests of the night:  
What immortal hand or eye,  
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?_"

I continued on, reciting the stanzas until I came to the line that had troubled me the most lately:

" _Did he smile his work to see?  
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?_"

When I was finished we just lay there in silence, each lost in our own thoughts.

"Do you believe in God, Edward?" I asked.

"Of course. Don't you?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes I wonder how a God can possibly exist when there's such evil in the world." We were silent for a few moments more. I leaned up on my elbow so I could stare at his beautiful face. He was still lying on his back, eyes closed. When I looked at him, so innocent and pure, I had faith in the divine. How else could such an angelic creature exist, but by the grace of God?

"What did you mean when you said you were worried that you would hurt me, Jasper?" Edward asked.

I was silent for a moment, wondering how to respond. "You would be better off not getting close to me, Edward," I answered honestly.

"I don't agree," he stated.

My sweet, trusting boy. How could I make him understand? "I'm not safe, Edward. I shouldn't even be with you here now, isolated and alone, no one within earshot. I'm…dangerous. I've done…unforgivable things. Things you could never comprehend. Things you should have no part of, that should never touch your world. You're good, and kind and innocent, and I'm…a monster. I should never have allowed myself to get so close."

He opened his eyes and saw me propped up, leaning over him. He shifted up to his elbow, mirroring my position and we lay on our sides, staring at each other.

He reached out his hand to brush a lock of my hair away from my forehead. I tensed, at once craving his touch on my skin, but simultaneously fearing it. "Don't," I whispered as I shut my eyes.

I could feel his disappointment, his confusion and distress. Even now I was hurting him. "Tell me," he said. "Nothing you say is going to scare me away. I'm not afraid. I trust you."

"You shouldn't," I told him.

"But I do." I could feel the conviction in his words. "I still don't believe you would ever hurt me. You're not a monster, Jasper. No matter what you've done."

"You wouldn't say that if you knew," I said in a low voice.

We were at an impasse. Nothing I said could convince him of the inherent danger of being in my company, of the evil that resided within me. Nothing he said could convince me that I was something other than what I was: a killer, a creature of the night, a soulless demon.

Nevertheless, I was unable to deprive myself of his company. I could not pass up the chance to spend this time with him, to bask in his presence, to breathe his alluring scent, to revel in the comfort of the steady rhythm of his heart, a metronome marking the time of this tiny sliver of eternity, moments I wished could go on forever.

We talked for hours. As always, it was easy for me to get lost in the sound of his voice. Our conversation flowed effortlessly. There was so much I wanted to know about him, and he answered every question I asked freely, his thoughts completely open to me. It was true what he had asserted earlier: he did trust me. I was not worthy of his gift. Eventually, he unpacked the lunch he had brought, and didn't question me when I refused to share the meal. Like so many other times, he simply accepted parts of me that others would find strange or oddly curious.

When the light began to fade, we made our way back to the car. We drove in silence, the ever-present tension high, until we reached my house. He put the car in park and turned to me. I could feel his desire, matching my own. I wanted to pull his face towards mine and crush my lips against his mouth. I wanted to taste his skin and feel my fingers in his hair. I wanted…so much. I breathed deeply, taking in one last lungful of his delicious scent then wished him goodnight, hearing his frustrated sigh of disappointment as I exited the car.

I wished things could be different.

It was another week before I spent time alone with Edward again. He had invited me over on several occasions, but I declined, doing my best to create some distance between us. As the week wore on, his mood became more and more low and my guilt increased. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I wanted to protect him from my evil nature, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to stay away from him. The urge to touch him during the day was almost unbearable, but I resisted his pull. The longer we were apart, it became too much for me and I would find myself outside his house late at night, listening to the rhythmic pulse of his heart, his even breaths while he slept. The sounds would seep into my empty spaces and I would once again feel whole.

When he invited me over on Friday, saying he wasn't in the mood to drive to Rainier for the game and his parents wouldn't be home so he'd appreciate some company, I knew I shouldn't accept, but was unable to resist the opportunity to be with him; the compulsion was too strong. He looked surprised when I agreed, obviously anticipating another no. His face lit up in a smile that would put sunlight to shame.

I borrowed Alice's car, since she had ridden the bus with the players and other cheerleaders to the away game. My long legs barely fit into the small vehicle, but it was fast and I couldn't very well show up on foot. When I arrived, Edward opened the door with another beautiful smile; his face beaming with delight. When I saw what happiness my presence could bring him, my thoughts drifted dangerously towards impossible places. Was I really so evil if someone as gentle and kind and pure as Edward could take pleasure in my company?

Edward suggested a movie and we moved to the family room. We settled on the couch and he started the DVD we had selected. About twenty minutes in, he asked if I wanted some popcorn or a soda. I declined his offer, but he excused himself to fix a snack of his own. When he returned, he placed his drink and a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table in front of us and sat back down next to me. This time, however, he sat much closer. His thigh was grazing mine and time and time again as he reached forward to grab a handful of popcorn, his arm would brush up against me.

My entire body was aware of his closeness, of his heat. Every nerve, every cell was alive and vibrating with electricity. His scent was heady, overpowering; his "accidental" touches were stirring to life an inferno within. As the lovers embraced on the screen, I felt his desire, bright and hot and burning for me.

He reached out his hand and placed it on my thigh, giving up the pretense of inadvertent touches. He shifted to face me and ran his hand slowly up my thigh, grazing the erection that was straining in my jeans. I stiffened, taking in a sharp breath and shutting my eyes, willing myself not to grab him and throw him down and ravage him completely. "Please don't say stop," he whispered to me as his hand again moved slowly up and down my thigh.

"Don't," I choked out. "Edward, you must stop. We can't do this."

I felt his sharp stab of anger and frustration as he yanked his hand away and stood up, furiously running his hand through his hair, grabbing handfuls in agitation. "Why? Why can't we do this?" he asked impatiently. His lust and desire had not lessened one iota and it fueled his dissatisfaction. I sat quietly while he paced, trying to keep rein on my own wildly fluctuating emotions.

After a few moments he turned away from me and dropped his arms to his sides. I could feel sadness, guilt, resignation. "I'm sorry. I only wanted to make you feel good, Jasper," he whispered.

My heart clenched. He was perfect, my innocent, giving, wonderful boy. I stood up from the couch and walked up behind him, placing my hands on his shoulders. He tensed, then relaxed under my touch. I squeezed his shoulders, rubbing down his biceps and bringing my hands back to his shoulders again. I leaned towards him, breathing in his delectable scent and spoke softly in his ear.

"You do make me feel good, Edward," I told him earnestly. "When I'm with you, I don't feel like a monster. You make me feel like a man."

I turned my face into his hair breathing in deeply, filling myself with his scent, and wrapped my arms around his chest, holding him close. I was unable to resist the temptation after denying myself for so long. I heard his sharp intake of breath and the pounding of his heart as he melted back against my embrace. I could feel his desire and it spurred a heady, electrifying response in me.

"Let me make you feel good," I whispered in his ear, as my right hand slid down his body to palm his erection beneath his jeans.

He let out a moan and bucked his hips into my hand. "Jasper," he groaned. The sound of my name from his lips elicited a small moan from me as well, and I whispered a breathy "Edward," in his ear, his name escaping from my lips like a benediction.

I ran my hand over the rough material of his jeans a few more times, wringing breathy cries from him. My other hand, still wrapped around him, caressed the muscles of his chest, finding his nipple through the fabric of his shirt and squeezing it gently between my fingers. His head fell back onto my shoulder and he reached his left arm up to sink his fingers in my hair while his other arm grasped my forearm in a tight grip.

I deftly unsnapped his jeans and reached my hand into his pants to stroke his length through his boxer briefs, unable to reveal the coldness of my touch, but wanting to give him greater pleasure. My own erection was pressed hard against him and he could undoubtedly feel my arousal as he ground back against me.

His emotions were like a banquet of sensation and I devoured them hungrily: his desire, his pleasure, his relief, his happiness. I loved that it was me bringing out these feelings; he was reacting this way to my touch and mine alone.

"You have no idea the way you make me feel," I spoke softly in his ear. "Your touch sets me on fire; your scent fills me with longing. You're always in my mind. Always, my beautiful, magical boy."

His breathy cries increased as I spoke to him and I felt of wave of affection and tenderness from him, heady lust and exquisite pleasure. His groin pressed frantically into my touch and the fingers he had wound through my hair now closed into a fist, pulling tightly.

"Jasper. Oh, God… Jasper," he gasped out.

I increased the pace and pressure of my hand on his arousal and continued to whisper in his ear, telling him how beautiful he was, how perfect and good, how from the first moment I saw him I couldn't take my eyes off him. How he made me feel alive. How being near him made my body sing. How every time he came close I had to stop myself from throwing him down and worshipping him, ripping the clothes from his body, kissing every inch of his skin and burying myself in his tight heat.

The noises he was making were gasping and frantic. His hips were thrusting into my hand in urgent movements. His body was taut and ready to explode. I could hear his pulse thundering through his veins and I leaned my nose into his neck, running it over his skin, breathing deeply, feeling his warmth, smelling his savory aroma. I could practically taste him. As I opened my mouth to run my tongue over his throbbing flesh, I felt him go rigid as he released under my hand, his cries piercing through me like a lance of ecstasy. I knew then that there could be no sound in the entire world more erotic than the uncontrolled noises of my beautiful boy as he came apart in my arms.

My own erection was straining painfully and I felt myself about to similarly lose control as his climaxing body writhed back against me. His emotions enveloped me, cloaking me in gratitude, euphoria, exquisite pleasure and… love?

I was shocked into awareness. Was I really about to give myself over to my release, while my mouth was open against his throat, the scent of his blood inflaming my senses? I pulled abruptly away from him in horror. He almost fell when my arms no longer supported him, his legs giving out from under him, but he regaining his balance and looked at me in puzzlement.

"Jasper?" he questioned, his voice perplexed, still dazed from his sexual release.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out. "I have to go. This is wrong." I felt a frantic need to escape.

I could sense his sharp stab of hurt, the stinging rejection he felt, and his complete bewilderment as these new disturbing feelings warred with his residual ones of happiness, pleasure and love.

"I don't understand," he said, confused. "Jasper?"

"I'm sorry," I repeated in a strangled voice as I turned to leave the room as fast as I could while still appearing human. As soon as the door to the house shut behind me, I took off running, putting as much distance as possible between the two of us. His hurt replayed back in my mind and I was filled with anguish at causing him pain. But better a little emotional pain than having my teeth sink into his skin, draining his vibrant life and negating his very existence.

I stopped running as pain shot through my gut at the very idea. I wrapped my arm around my middle and bent over, gagging. The thought that I could have been the one to destroy his beautiful life was almost too much to bear. If I had given in to that seductive impulse, I would have needed to throw myself atop a flaming pyre; I didn't see how I could possibly have gone on.

I tried to gain control of myself. Edward was safe. He was home. He was alive. He was safe. Edward was safe. Even though I knew it to be true, I felt the almost uncontrollable urge to confirm it with absolute certainty and I found myself running back in the direction from which I had come.

As soon as the beat of his heart, that beloved melody, reached my ears, I felt calm. The crazed anguish receded and I was blanketed in peace as the steady rhythm of his life seeped into me. "My beautiful boy… I'm so sorry," I whispered into the night.

I stayed there until dawn, hearing the soft buzz of the television until three A.M. He finally went upstairs to his bedroom and I could hear him tossing and turning, his sleep restless and disturbed for the remainder of the night. I knew I was the cause.

For the next few days I alternated between locking myself in my room and returning to the shadows outside Edward's house after dark, when the temptation to be near him became too strong to bear. Edward had called several times, and I had refused to speak with him, directing my family to tell him I wasn't feeling well. I could feel Alice's worry and distress from down the hall, but she didn't disturb my voluntary isolation. After the school called on Monday to find out why I wasn't in class, Carlisle knocked on my door, asking me if I needed to talk.

"I don't know how to be near him, Carlisle, and I cannot stay away from him."

"You've been around him for weeks now," Carlisle responded, not needing to know of whom I spoke.

"Things have changed."

"How so?" he asked.

"He… cares about me." I couldn't bring myself to say the word love out loud, although I could still feel the weight of his emotions nestled comfortably in my empty spaces.

"How do you feel about him?" Carlisle asked next, taking a seat on the bed.

Confused... elated… possessive… tender… grateful… terrified. Was there an emotion I didn't feel about him?

"I feel he would be better off without me in his life," I finally answered.

"That's not a real answer, Jasper. Do you love him too?" He always did have a way of seeing things clearly.

"It's impossible, Carlisle!" I said with vexation.

"Jasper, I've lived a long time, longer than even you. Is love so plentiful for us that we can recklessly throw it away when it is given to us so freely?"

"But it's wrong, Carlisle."

"Tell me why you think so," he requested and I could tell that he truly wanted to know.

"He's a boy. Pure. Innocent. I'm a monster. A century and a half older than he. It's depraved."

"You're a vampire, Jasper. Not a monster."

"Yes, a vampire. A soulless demon, damned for all eternity," I said bitterly.

"We are a different species, it's true. But I don't believe we are soulless. Nor do I believe we are damned. Do you think Alice a monster? Or Esme? Or myself?"

"It's different for you."

"How so, Jasper? How is it different for us? Are we not vampires too?"

"Yes, but you aren't a danger to every human you meet. You and Esme and the rest of the family aren't weak like I. You've conquered the beast within. Carlisle, I almost bit him! We were… physically close. My mouth was right on his pulse. I could have killed him." The last sentence came out in an anguished wail.

"But you didn't," Carlisle said gently.

"I still might."

"I don't think you will, son."

Why should his opinion matter more than my own? He had never tasted human blood. He couldn't understand the bloodlust that drove me to a state of frenzied madness, a state where I was nothing more than an animal, acting on instinct alone.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Jasper."

"How could you possibly understand? You've never tasted human blood."

"But I have, Jasper. Of course I have. I turned Esme, and Rosalie, and Emmett. I drank from all of them when they were in human form. Was it easier to resist before I knew the taste? Perhaps. But I made a choice, a choice which I also see you making on a daily basis." He paused to gather his thoughts.

"It's the ability to choose that differentiates us from the animals, and it exists for the vampire as well as for the human. Perhaps my thinking is too mired in the faith in which I was raised, but I believe in the Christian doctrine of free will. I don't believe we are inherently evil. I believe we have the capacity to do evil, just as we have the capacity to do good; it is our choices that define who we are."

He still didn't seem to understand how I was different from them. "You have all turned away from human blood from the outset. I've willingly drank from hundreds, if not thousands. If that's not evil, I don't know what is."

"Jasper, you can't continue to blame yourself for choices you made when before you even knew there was another way. That's not true free will. Once you learned our way of life existed, you turned from your previous path. That choice is rooted in the good."

"Yes, I've tried to choose a different path, yet I've slipped time and time again. If I truly wanted to resist, then wouldn't I have? And initially, were not my reasons selfish, borne of a desire to end my own pain?"

"We've all made selfish choices, Jasper. Son," he continued, putting his hand on my shoulder and giving it a small squeeze. "You don't see yourself clearly. I've watched your struggles. You have a good heart. You do," he insisted as he saw my skeptical expression.

"You've made tremendous strides since you first made your way to us. You had decades and decades of conditioning to overcome. Of course it's been more difficult for you to adapt. That does not make you evil; your struggle itself is evidence of the humanity that still resides within you. And God's mercy is infinite."

"So you truly believe that salvation is possible even for us? We are not damned by our very nature?" I asked.

"Only in the sense that by escaping human death, we are prohibited from experiencing the return to God, Our Father in a heavenly afterlife," he said. "I can't look at Esme, at how good and kind she is, without seeing evidence of the divine. God dwells within us, Jasper. If our vampire existences were to end, I believe our souls would return home. And if we continue on infinitely, to quote John Milton: ' _The mind is its own place, and in itself / Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven_.'"

He smiled. "These are difficult questions, and ones whose theories are impossible to test. But such is the nature of faith. Greater men than you or I have pondered such things. When I look at you, Jasper, I see a child of God. That is what I believe.

"Now back to the question at hand. What are you going to do about young Edward?" he asked.

I sighed. Edward. Just the thought of him set me ablaze. "I've tried, but it appears as though I am unable to stay away from him. I'm not sure I even have a choice."

"We always have a choice, son," Carlisle stated.

"I'm drawn to him. His body calls to me. I fear his discovery of what we are. I fear bringing the wrath of the Volturi down upon him. I fear I won't be able to control myself around him and I'll kill him myself. But even more than these, I fear I cannot survive without his presence in my life. He has changed me. I don't know what to do."

"Those are all legitimate concerns, I agree, and not to be taken lightly," Carlisle said with a serious expression. "Jasper, know that we will support you in whatever choice you make. If you need to leave, you will always be a part of this family. When we eventually move on from Forks, I would hope you would return to your place by our side. And if you decide to stay… well, try not to miss too many more days of school." With that he winked, breaking the heavy mood and causing me to laugh.

He stood up and walked to the door. As he reached it, he turned back towards me one last time: "True love is a rare and precious gift. I would weigh it heavily in your decision."

Before the door could click shut behind him, a small figure darted into the room.

"Hello, Alice," I said with a small smile.

"Hi Jasper. How are you doing?" she asked.

"Better, I think." I paused. "How is Edward?" I had to know.

"Confused. Hurt. Won't you please talk to him? He looks like he hasn't slept in days."

My stomach clenched. "I just need a little time to think," I said.

"You won't hurt him, Jasper," Alice reassured me. "Physically, that is. You'll keep hurting him if you won't at least talk to him."

"I know. I will talk to him. I just need another day to get my head on straight."

"What's it like, Jasper? Being in love? Is it wonderful?"

Was I in love? Carlisle and Alice seemed to think so. I knew my body responded to him in electrifying ways. I knew the beat of his heart filled me with calm. I knew when I was with him, I felt whole and if anything happened to him, I didn't think I could survive. I already knew the answer, even before I started to consider the question. He was everything to me.

"It's terrifying. Confusing. And yes… unbelievably wonderful."

"That's so nice," Alice said with a wistful sigh.

"It is," I agreed.

That night as I listened to each heart beat, I considered Carlisle's words. I did not have the faith he had, and I wasn't sure I believed that I was touched by the divine in any way. I still felt like a monster; I still felt the differences in our age and experiences were vast and troublesome; I still felt that he was much too good for me, too pure, too beautiful. But when I remembered Carlisle's parting words—that love was a rare and precious gift— the scales completely tipped in the other direction. I still thought Carlisle was wrong in another way too: for me, there no longer was a choice. Walking away from him was an option that had been removed the moment his touch had fractured my heart of stone and filled my hollow chest with his tender affection, transforming me forever.

I stayed home from school for one more day, resolving to speak to him later that night when he returned from practice. That afternoon I heard Alice leaping up the stairs and she burst into my room with a huge smile, saying in a sing-song voice, "You're having company!" She was gone before I could even respond.

A few moments later I heard the unmistakable sound of Edward's car in the driveway and I grew suddenly anxious. Would he even still want me after the way I had acted? I heard Esme greeting Edward and directing him upstairs. I stood nervously waiting for him.

He flung open the door. His magnolia green eyes flashing and his petal soft cheeks flushed with anger. "What the fuck, Jasper?" he spat out.

God, it was so good to see him.

"You don't return my calls for three fucking days? I thought we were friends. Hell, I fucking thought we were more than friends. I thought what we had was pretty special. I'm fucking in love with you and you just run off and ignore me for three whole fucking days? Jesus, Jasper. How do you think that makes me feel?"

I knew how it made him feel. He was hurt, confused, just as Alice had said, and obviously angry. But I couldn't focus on that. My own emotions were overwhelming me at his declaration. I was desperate to take his pain away and I took a step towards him, the words bursting from my chest before I could even consider the wisdom of speaking: "I love you too, Edward."

He stopped his ranting and looked at me with surprise. A slow smile started growing on his face; the force of his happiness almost knocked me backwards.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered, taking another step closer.

"Well, okay then," he said, still beaming.

I took the final step separating us from one another and enfolded him in my arms, kissing the top of his head, feeling his soft velvet hair against my face, breathing him in. He felt perfect there; it was where he belonged. "I'm sorry I ran. I just…got a little freaked out. And I'm sorry I didn't return your calls."

He wrapped his arms around my waist and I could feel the heat from his body seeping into my cold form, his heart beat pulsing against my chest, its rhythm reverberating through my entire body, bringing me to life. "That's okay, Jasper. We can take things slowly. It's not a big deal." He was more forgiving than I deserved.

We stood there for a few moments, just holding each other, his chin resting on my shoulder, my face still buried in his hair. If all eternity could be like this, I would gladly live forever.

We eventually pulled apart and stood there smiling stupidly at each other. "So while I'm here, want to play a game of chess?" he asked.

"Sure. That sounds great."

We sat across from each other in the family room, moving the pieces across the board. He lost the first game in a ridiculously low number of moves. His knees bumped up against mine more than usual and I smiled at his poorly concealed efforts to keep touching me. I looked into his smiling unapologetic eyes and grinned back at him, bumping his knees in return. He was adorable.

He was mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 11 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/06/chapter-11-burning-bright.html)


	13. Chapter 12 - It Shall Be You

**"Hands I have taken, face I have kiss'd, mortal I have ever touch'd, it shall be you."**

_\- Walt Whitman, "Song of Myself," 24, l. 47_

* * *

**Chapter 12 – It Shall Be You**

 

EPOV

I stood there in shock. What the hell had just happened?

My mind reeled. One minute I was experiencing the most erotic moments of my entire life and the next I was standing alone in my family room, my pants unfastened and down around my hips and my shorts soaked through with jizz. Confused didn't even begin to describe it.

God, the things he had said to me. How often he thought about me. How I made him feel. How much he wanted me. And all the while his hard cock was pressed against my ass from behind while his hand stroked my dick through the thin fabric of my boxer briefs. My legs felt weak and my cheeks flushed just thinking about it.

But then he had run, claiming it was wrong. Touching me, making me feel more excited and aroused than I ever had been in my life was wrong? Making me come and cry out his name was wrong? It didn't feel wrong. It felt like the best and most amazing experience I had ever had. My body could still feel him pressed up against me; I could still hear his voice in my ear, still feel his hand on my cock.

Did he not want me after all? I was left standing alone before I had even come down off the high of my orgasm. I couldn't help but felt rejected, and very hurt. I was in love with Jasper. I wasn't exactly sure when it had happened; I only knew that I was. It wasn't anything like what I had felt for Mike. This was deeper… stronger. I thought about him all the time; my body burned for him. But this was more than lust, more than a physical attraction. It had happened so gradually that I didn't even realize what had occurred until I was brought to the point of ecstasy in his arms tonight. The realization of how deeply I had fallen for him had overwhelmed me as my body responded to the firm touch of his hand.

In that moment as he whispered in my ear and touched his tongue to the skin of my throat, as my body tensed in exquisite release, I just knew. I was in love with Jasper Whitlock.

He was amazing—thoughtful, reflective, incredibly smart. I could talk to him about anything. He was kind and empathetic. He loved his family and was extremely loyal. It didn't hurt that he was incredibly sexy and completely beautiful. I felt my face flush as once again memories of the evening flooded through my mind—his hand stroking my cock, his cool breath on my neck, his arm around my chest. The images were so powerful I could feel myself starting to get hard again. I knew it wasn't just the insane physical response I had to him that made me feel so strongly abut him. There was so much more to him than his killer body, gorgeous face and dazzling smile.

Besides all that, he was prone to self-loathing; he thought he was a monster, unworthy. I knew differently.

Even though much of his life before the Cullens was still a mystery to me, even though he had difficulty opening up to me fully and was still skittish regarding physical touch, I had thought he cared for me too. His whispered words seemed to say so, but then he had bolted and left me here confused and alone.

" _This is wrong_." His words echoed in my head and I had to shut my eyes for a moment to push back the panic that started creeping in. I didn't want to get ahead of myself. Maybe he was just spooked by how far things had gone tonight. I fucking came in his hand, after all. I had seen him cringe before when I had simply reached out to touch his face. I tried not to let the rejection and hurt get the better of me and resolved that I would talk to him tomorrow, after we both had time to settle down. In the meantime, I could at least clean up and change my shorts.

I lay on the couch absently watching television half the night, dozing off and on, trying not to think of how I felt when he ran out earlier this evening, instead remembering each touch, each whisper. Those were the words I wanted to be true more than anything, not the ones he had uttered as he bolted out the door.

The next morning I dragged my body down the stairs and headed straight for the coffee. I grunted a hello to my Mother who was sitting at the counter reading the paper.

"Late night, sweetie?" she asked, giving me that mom look that said she was trying to assess how much trouble I had gotten into while they were in Seattle last night.

"Not really," I replied honestly. "I had trouble sleeping."

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

"I think so. No. I don't know," I answered incoherently.

"You know I'm here if you want to talk about anything, don't you?"

"Yeah, thanks," I said, sitting down next to her, sipping on my coffee trying to wake up.

"Okay. I love you, baby," she said, leaning over to hug me and kiss the top of my head.

"I love you too, Mom."

I waited until evening to call Jasper, hoping that he would call first. Esme answered the phone. When I asked to speak to Jasper she told me he wasn't feeling well, but she would give him the message that I called. I thanked her then lay back down on the couch for the rest of the night. I tried to tell myself that maybe he really wasn't feeling well, but I knew it wasn't true; he was avoiding me.

I tried again in the morning and then again Sunday night. Each time I was given the same response. I hung up the phone with a soft, "Fuck."

My Mom overheard me as she entered the room. "Boy troubles?" she asked. When I didn't respond, she said, "Honey, you've been moping around all weekend. It might help to talk about it with someone."

I gave a heavy sigh. "Jasper won't return my calls."

"Jasper? Isn't he a little old for you, honey?"

I rolled my eyes. "Mom, he's a senior too. Forget I said anything," I added in a surly tone.

"No, no. I'm sorry. He seems so… mature. I just don't want you to get hurt. It's hard for me to remember that you're not a little boy anymore. My baby's all grown up and dating boys."

"We're not dating, Mom." I didn't know to describe what was going on between the two of us. I was in love with him, and he… well, right now he wasn't even talking to me.

"But you'd like to be?" my Mom prodded.

I let out another heavy sigh. "Yeah."

"If he can't see what a wonderful, special, sweet and loving boy you are, he's not worth your time," she said holding my shoulders and looking me in the eyes.

"I think he is worth my time," I answered firmly.

She looked at me for a moment, her eyes searching my face. "I'm not helping at all, am I?" she asked with a smile.

My lips twitched into a smile. "No, but you get points for trying."

She pulled me into a hug. "Well, that's something at least. I love you, sweetheart." I felt her lips on the top of my head.

Mom's hugs were the best. I stayed in her arms, letting her comfort me for a few minutes more. "I love you too."

On Monday I was anxious to get to school and see Jasper. He couldn't avoid me forever. I barely waited for Alice to be seated in our first hour prep period before asking her about her brother.

She gave me a sympathetic look. "He's not feeling well. He stayed home today."

I could tell she was lying. "Right," I said bitterly, struck with disappointment. I had never considered he wouldn't be here today. "I hope he feels better soon." I turned from her and put the ear buds from my iPod in and shut my eyes, trying not to think about how much it hurt that he would actually skip school so he didn't have to see me.

I felt a hand on my arm and opened my eyes to see Alice's distressed face looking at me. I took my ear buds out. "Edward, give him some time. Things are… complicated. There are things about Jasper you don't know."

Of course there were things I didn't know. Because he refused to tell me, even when I had asked, when I had told him it didn't fucking matter, whatever secrets he had. And how much time did he need? I'd tried to be patient. _He_ was the one who had whispered all those things in my ear. _He_ was the one who had stroked my dick until I came. _He_ was the one who had fucking run out without an explanation and refused to speak to me. I knew if I responded to Alice, I'd end up snapping at her, so I simply put my ear buds back in and leaned my head back, closing my eyes.

When he didn't show up again on Tuesday, the hurt I felt started to morph into anger. How could he say what he did and then just ignore me for three days? It was going on four now. If he didn't want anything to do with me anymore, he was going to have to tell me to my face. This was bullshit.

I skipped practice after school and drove straight to the Cullens'. Esme answered the door and let me know Jasper was up in his room. I raced up the stairs and burst through the door without knocking. He was standing there waiting for me, looking as gorgeous as ever, and obviously feeling just fine. "What the fuck, Jasper?"

As I ranted at him, venting all my frustration of the last few days, he blurted out, "I love you too, Edward."

I was stunned into silence. I hadn't even realized I had told him I loved him. All my anger and hurt faded away and I was filled with happiness. He loved me. I don't even remember what we said next, but I found myself wrapped in his arms, his face buried in my hair. My heart thundered inside my chest and I felt overwhelmed by the rightness of it all. I wanted to stay there forever.

I couldn't keep the smile off my face for the rest of the afternoon as we played chess and hung out. Jasper's expression mirrored mine; his beautiful smile warmed me from the inside out. A few hours later my Mom called on my cell, asking where I was and requesting that I please come home for dinner. Jasper and I stood at the door and I was filled with uncertainty. I wanted nothing more than to pull him to me and kiss him. That crazy tug I always felt around him was even stronger now that we had confessed our feelings for each other. I had promised to take things slowly, however. I wasn't going to push him and have him run again.

When he closed the space between us and took my face in his hands, his cool fingers brushing over my cheeks and his thumbs caressing my bottom lip before he replaced them with his mouth, I thought my heart would beat right out of my chest. I could taste the coffee he had been drinking, but it was the taste and smell of Jasper, heady and sweet and delicious, that made my head reel. My entire body thrilled with excitement and I let out a small moan as his fingers threaded through my hair and he pulled me closer, his body pressing against mine.

After a moment, he released me and I stood there dazed and incredibly aroused, wondering how it was possible that I could be so turned on by just one kiss. Jasper's eyes were dark and intense as they stared into mine. I couldn't look away. "I'll see you tomorrow, Edward," he said, and I just nodded dumbly, unsure if I still had the ability to speak. His lips quirked up into a smile and I gave a short laugh in response, shaking my head as if to clear it. I couldn't contain the wide grin that split across my face as I gave small wave and walked towards my car.

I was still smiling when I walked into my house. My mom was in the kitchen, putting away some food in the fridge.

"Nice of you to join us," she said, a tinge of sarcasm in her voice.

I kissed her cheek. "Sorry, Mom, I lost track of time."

"I was just putting the leftovers away," she said, bringing the dish back out and placing it on the counter. "Help yourself. And clean up after you're done, please."

"Okay, thanks," I said, fixing a plate of food. I sat at the counter and started stuffing my face, suddenly realizing how hungry I was.

"I see your appetite's back," Mom said with a smile. "I take it you and Jasper are on speaking terms again?"

"Yeah, you could say that," I responded, smiling.

"I'm happy the two of you worked things out," she said, rubbing my back.

"The two of who?" my dad asked, as he entered the kitchen.

"Of whom," my mother corrected automatically.

I may as well let my dad know too, since Jasper was going to be around a lot more. At least I hoped so.

"Me and Jasper," I said to my dad.

"You and Jasper, huh?" he asked. "As in, you and Jasper?" he said raising his eyebrows, emphasizing our names so that his meaning was clear.

"Yeah," I nodded, continuing to eat.

"Huh," he said then paused for a minute. "Do I know this boy?" he asked my mom. He was busy processing that my gayness had now obviously moved from the theoretical to the actuality of me dating another guy.

"One of the Cullens' boys. He's a senior, like Edward. You've met him. Tall, blonde, very handsome."

 _Very_ handsome. Fucking gorgeous.

My dad grunted. He looked at me appraisingly, beginning, "Son…" I inwardly groaned. I could tell he was gearing up for another of his uncomfortable sex talks. "Just so we understand each other…the house rules apply to boyfriends as well as girlfriends."

I held up my hand to stop him. "Dad, please… stop. I get it."

"Ed, leave the boy alone and let him finish his dinner," my mom interrupted.

"Fine. Okay. We're clear here?" he asked me.

"Crystal." At least we had avoided any references to condoms this time like the mortifying conversation about Bella. Things definitely could have gone a lot worse.

I finished my dinner and cleaned up then wished my parents good night before heading up to bed. I was exhausted after the restless sleep I had had for the past few nights. As I lay in bed, I replayed the moment over and over in my head when Jasper had said he loved me. I thought about the feel of his arms as they had wrapped around me and held me close, the taste of his lips on mine. My last thought as I drifted off was that I didn't think I had ever been as happy.

I made it to school early, hoping to catch Jasper in the parking lot before school. I was a little nervous. First, just to be seeing him again after what we had said to each other. It was a good nervous though, the excited, anticipatory kind where butterflies fluttered around inside my stomach. Second, we hadn't really talked about how we would act in public. I still wasn't ready to be out in Forks, and I hoped he was okay with that. I knew, though, that I'd do whatever he wanted. If he wanted people to know we were together, I'd never deny him.

My heart beat increased as I saw Alice's car pull into the lot. I couldn't wait to see him again. I hungrily watched as he got out of the car, his long legs swinging out of the passenger side door. He strode across the lot purposefully towards me, his eyes never leaving mine. His movements were so graceful, so powerful. God, he was fucking sexy. When he reached me, he pulled me into his arms and I heard his deep sigh as he whispered, "Edward" into my hair.

I reveled in the feel of his hard chest against mine, his thighs leaning into me. He felt so good. Our embrace lasted only seconds before he pulled away. I felt a pang of disappointment, but it was for the best. To outside eyes, our greeting would simply look like two friends hugging each other hello. Inside, it felt like coming home.

"Good morning, Jasper," I said, a wide smile on my face. I was so fucking happy he was here. "It's good to see you back. Are you feeling better?" I asked, joking about his skipping the past two days of school.

"Now I am," he answered with a smile in his eyes, and in a voice that was earnest and sincere. I felt my stomach flutter in response. His golden eyes burned into mine and I could swear I saw them grow darker right before my eyes as he reached up his hand to run his cool fingertips lightly across my cheek. My skin burned under his touch and I felt my breath catch as a surge of desire shot through me. The things he did to me.

"Jasper," I said with a small groan, leaning into his hand and licking my lips. My dick was already twitching in my pants. I shut my eyes trying to contain myself. We needed to talk, I reminded myself.

I opened my eyes and saw my own hunger reflected back at me. How could I possibly be expected to be coherent when he looked at me like that? It took everything I had not to throw myself into his arms and press my lips against his, feel his hard, strong body firm against mine, but I managed to get out a "Can we talk for a minute?"

He took a step back and said with a gentle smile, "Sure, Edward."

I felt anxious. I rubbed the back of my neck and shifted uncomfortably. I wasn't sure how to have this conversation. I didn't want him to think I was ashamed of him by not wanting people to know we were seeing each other.

He seemed to sense how I was feeling. "Hey, it's okay Edward, whatever it is. Talk to me."

I took a deep breath. "Well, we didn't really talk about how we'd act at school. I don't even know if you're out."

"My family knows," he said. "About me, and about us."

Hearing him use the word "us" made my insides jump. That sounded so good.

"My family knows too, but I'm not out anywhere else. No one at school knows I'm gay. Well, except for Bella, and now Alice I guess. I kind of want to keep it that way. Do you mind?" I asked him.

"Whatever you want, Edward," he reassured me. "I mean that. Whatever you're comfortable with is fine with me." He leaned in, so that he was speaking softly into my ear. I could feel his cool breath on my face. "Just know that even if I'm acting unaffected, as if we're nothing more than friends, inside, I'm burning for you."

"Jesus, Jasper," I whispered, my face flushing hotly and my body swaying in his direction. I wondered how _I_ was going to be able to act unaffected.

-o-

At lunch Mike slid into the seat next to me with an exuberant, "Eddie!"

"Hey, Mike," I said. "How's it going?"

"Great! Hey, are you going to the game Friday night? Tyler's parents are out of town again, so afterwards… par-tee!" he exclaimed.

I hesitated, seeing Jasper entering the cafeteria with Alice. I knew he wouldn't want to go, and truthfully, I didn't want to hang out with the gang this weekend. I wanted to spend as much time alone with Jasper as I possibly could.

"I don't know, Mike. Regionals are Saturday. Coach would kill me if he found out I was out partying the night before."

Mike followed my gaze and saw Jasper walking towards us. "C'mon, Eddie. We've hardly spent any time together this year. I'm still your best friend, aren't I? You've gotta come!" He flashed a winning smile. If I didn't know him so well, I might have missed the flicker of hurt in his eyes. I felt guilty, realizing he was right. I had hardly spent any of my free time with Mike this year, choosing instead to spend every spare minute possible with Jasper.

"Of course you're still my best friend," I reassured him. "If it wasn't Regionals, I'd go, but I just can't this Friday."

"Well how about Saturday then?" he asked next. "A bunch of us are going to the movies. You're going too," he decided for me.

I laughed. "Okay, Saturday. I'm in."

"Good," he replied. He turned to address Jasper who had joined us at the table. "You should come too, Whitlock," he suggested.

"Come where?" Jasper asked.

"To the movies Saturday night. Eddie can give you a ride, or you could catch a ride with Tyler and Alice. The whole gang will be there."

"Sure. That sounds fun," Jasper responded. "Thanks." All I could focus on were the completely filthy thoughts that filled my mind when Mike talked about me giving Jasper a ride.

Friday night I really did need to get a good night's sleep, but there was no way I was passing up a chance to spend the evening with Jasper. It was the first time we would be alone together since Tuesday night. I know we had said we would take things slowly, but practically all I had thought about was kissing Jasper, touching Jasper… getting naked with Jasper.

When I rang the bell at the Cullens', Jasper opened the door immediately, as if he were waiting on the other side. I smiled at him as he bestowed one of his dazzling smiles on me. So fucking gorgeous. I swear my heart skipped a beat when he stepped closer and I caught the hungry look in his eyes. He cupped my face in his hands then kissed me soundly. I thought my knees would give out. I melted into him, gripping the front of his shirt in my fists and returned the kiss with enthusiasm, groaning into his mouth. When I traced his bottom lip with my tongue, I heard an answering moan from him and his fingers slid into my hair, tightening their grip, pulling me closer.

"Get a room!" a voice called from inside the house.

Jasper broke away from me and he looked as dazed as I felt. It stunned me that I seemed to affect him the same way that he affected me.

I cleared my throat, completely flustered. "Hi Jasper," I finally said. "It's good to see you."

His lips quirked up into a smile. "It's good to see you too, Edward. Won't you please come in?" I looked at him and then we both started laughing. He motioned me inside then took my coat from me and hung it up in the entryway closet. As we passed through the living room I saw Emmett and Rosalie hanging out on the couch.

"Edward!" Emmett cried. "How's it hanging? Although from the…"

"Not another word," Jasper cut in sternly, glaring at him menacingly. His expression was lethal and dangerous. Holy shit; if looks could kill… I felt a shiver run down my spine. My boyfriend was badass.

" _No problemo_ , bro. Just saying hello to my good friend Edward here," Emmett said with his hands held up in surrender. Rosalie glared at me, but didn't say anything. Some people never change.

Jasper shot one more warning glance in Emmett's direction then turned towards me. "I just made some coffee. Would you like some?" he asked.

"That sounds great, actually. I could use a little caffeine. I'm kind of beat. I didn't get a lot of sleep this week."

He looked at me with such a pained expression that I could practically feel the guilt rolling off him. I should never have mentioned I was tired. God, he was hard on himself. I didn't know what to say, so I just followed him into the kitchen. I wanted his smiles back.

"If you're tired, we can get together another night if you like," he suggested, although I could tell from his expression he hated the idea.

"No way," I responded. "I've been looking forward to this all day. You can't get rid of me that easily. Maybe we can just keep it low key and hang out in your room and talk. Or make out," I added with a shrug of my shoulders. He smiled. That was more like it.

We took our coffees upstairs to his bedroom and I settled onto the couch by the window. There were new books on the coffee table. Some Civil War book and _Leaves of Grass_. I picked up the Whitman and started flipping through it. An erotic passage caught my eye and I read through a bit of the poem, the sensuous imagery igniting my brain.

"Would you like me to read it to you?" Jasper asked. I nodded, wordlessly handing him the book.

He sat down on the other end of the sofa and pulled one of the throw pillows into his lap. "Here," he said, patting the pillow. "Lay your head down and rest." I kicked my shoes off and leaned back, placing my head on the pillow. I closed my eyes as Jasper's rich velvet voice started reading the passage from _Song of Myself_.

I let the words flow over me as the sound of his voice filled the room. I felt his gentle fingers playing in my hair, softly massaging my scalp. I sighed in pleasure. His cool fingertips lightly touched my cheeks, my nose, my eyelids, my lips, each gentle caress leaving a trail of fire in its wake.

I don't know how much time passed. I was lost in a haze of pleasure as his rhythmic voice recited the beautiful words of the poem and his fingers continued to tantalize me with their delicate touch. Eventually his hands stilled and his voice grew more intense. I opened my eyes to find him staring directly into mine.

" _Hands I have taken, face I have kiss'd, mortal I have ever touch'd, it shall be you_ ," he recited intently. I reached up to grab his hand and brought it to my lips, kissing his palm reverently. "It shall be you," he repeated in a whisper and we stared at one another, lost in each other's eyes. I had never met anyone like Jasper before. While the other kids our age were at the football game, sneaking booze from their parents' liquor cabinets, and trying to cop a feel, I was being read poetry by the most beautiful man in existence. It was romantic as hell.

I swallowed heavily and whispered back to him, "I'd really like to kiss you now."

"Then kiss me," he responded with a sigh, sending my heart rate skyrocketing. I sat up and leaned towards him, placing my lips lightly against his. This time instead of the electric shock I had come to expect, there was a low buzzing between us, like the tension in the air right before a storm. I leaned back and raised my hand to his face, touching his features as he had done to mine, trailing my fingertips across his perfect face—his lips, his cheeks, his forehead.

"You're so beautiful," I whispered. I could hardly believe this was real, that I was allowed to touch and kiss this amazing creature.

"You're the beautiful one," he said to me, his eyes dark and stormy. My stomach did a little flip.

"Tell me again," I entreated.

"I love you, Edward," he whispered as he kissed me again.

We spent the evening talking and kissing and reading and kissing, soft sweet kisses, slow sensuous kisses, deep passionate kisses. I could kiss him forever. I was aching for more, but I let him set the pace, trying to hide my disappointment each time he pulled back as things heated up. I told myself we would have many nights like these; we had plenty of time. He read me more Whitman, a poem called _To a Stranger_ , and told me that's how he felt when he first saw me, as if we'd lived a lifetime together and were destined to meet again.

The next few weeks were like a dream. We spent every spare moment together and I fell deeper for him with every passing day. I could barely remember what my life was like before I met Jasper; I only knew that nothing in the universe could feel better than this, than loving Jasper and being loved by him.

I was in the kitchen grabbing something to eat before meeting Jasper for our Sunday morning run when my mom walked in.

"Off for a run?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm meeting Jasper."

"You two boys are certainly spending a lot of time together lately. Don't you think you might be taking things a little too fast?" she asked.

"No," I answered definitively. "When it's right, it's right." I gave a little rueful laugh. "And you can believe me when I say things are not going too fast. Not at all."

"I don't need the details," she said with a smile, kissing my head. "I know how easy it is to get wrapped up in a new boyfriend, but don't forget your other friends in the process. I can't even remember the last time you had Bella or Mike over."

She was right. Thinking about it, the last time I spent any time with them outside school was at the movies a few weeks ago, and even then, I barely spoke to anyone, spending all my concentration on the feeling of Jasper's leg pressed up against mine in the dark theater.

"Okay, Mom. I promise I'll start hanging out more with my other friends," I told her with a smile.

"Good. I just don't want to see you get hurt honey," she said.

"Jasper would never hurt me," I assured her.

"Oh, I know. That's not what I meant. I mean getting so serious with this boy at such a young age. You're still in high school, honey. And next year you'll be off to college and meeting new people. You've got your whole life ahead of you."

"Jasper is my life now," I told her. A worried expression crossed her face. "Edward," she started.

"No," I interrupted her. "I understand what you're saying, and I'll make sure I'm not neglecting my other friendships, but I don't think you understand. I love Jasper. That's not going to change when I go off to college. He's the one. I don't need to meet other people to know that. I know it now."

She sighed.

"Why can't you just be happy for me, Mom?" I asked.

"I am happy for you, sweetheart. I am. But I'm your mother. It's my job to worry."

"There's nothing to worry about," I told her, giving her a hug. "It's all good."

She hugged me back tightly for a few minutes before letting go to pour coffee in two travel mugs.

"Your father and I won't be home until late. There are leftovers in the fridge, or you boys can order some pizza for dinner if you like. I'm assuming you and Jasper will be spending the day together?" she said with a question in her voice.

"That's the plan."

"Okay, honey. Have fun and be good. Make sure you get your homework done."

"Will do. See you guys later."

Jasper was in a playful mood during our run. I loved seeing him like this, smiling and joking and flirting. I'd take any chance at all to see those adorable dimples on his cheeks. He had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. Too often he seemed to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and it was great to see him acting happy and carefree.

He dashed in front of me on the road and turned so that he was facing me, keeping up his pace as he ran backwards. Damn, he was coordinated. If I tried that, I'd probably fall flat on my ass. He shot me a lecherous grin, raising his eyebrows at me, saying, "Looking good, Masen."

"Not so bad yourself, Whitlock," I panted out in return, once again marveling at what incredible shape he was in. He never seemed to get out of breath when we ran. His conditioning was phenomenal. As was his physique. Yum.

We were approaching my street and I decided to have a little fun with him. "Race you to the house!" I challenged. "If you win, I'll let you shower with me."

He burst out laughing. "As if you could outrun me! You know I'll win, Edward. You don't stand a chance in a race against me. I see straight through your obvious ploy to get me naked." Well, yeah. I'd been dreaming about getting him naked for weeks. Whatever works.

"Ah, but there's a catch," I said with a grin. "You have to run backwards the whole way home."

"I'll still win, Masen," he predicted cockily.

I scoffed. "Right."

"You'll see. Bring it."

"Fine. Ready… set… go!" I yelled and took off. As I ran past Jasper, his arm shot out and grabbed me around the waist. He lifted me straight off the ground and threw me over his shoulder, his arms wrapped around my thighs and my head hanging down his back. He continued to run backwards, all the while carrying me while I laughed hysterically. I struggled to break free, but I was laughing too hard, and fuck, he was strong. Plus, I had an incredible view of his ass from here.

He reached my front porch and continued to the top of the stairs, climbing them backwards. When he reached the front door, he set me down and exclaimed triumphantly, "I win!"

"You cheated! You're a big cheating cheater who cheats!" I accused, still laughing.

"I did not cheat!" he insisted in an indignant voice. "There was no rule against carrying my opponent. The only rule was I had to run backwards, and I did. I ran backwards the entire way. I won fair and square."

"Cheater," I shot back as I unlocked the door. "Technically, I won the race, since my head crossed the finish line first."

He made a dismissive _Pftttt_ sound. "I won the race, and I demand my prize: shower time with Edward," he declared.

Suddenly, I realized it was very much in my best interests to let him win.

"Oh you do, do you?" I looked in his smiling eyes, seeing if he was serious. Was he really going to take things further between us, _finally_ , and actually get naked with me?

"I do," he said with a soft smile and my heart thudded in response.

"Okay, you win," I said breathlessly. My heart was singing. "Race you up the stairs," I said with a laugh, dashing for the staircase before he could respond. I heard his laughter then he was right behind me, grabbing me around my waist and stumbling up the rest of the flight with me.

"Now who's the cheater?" he asked with a smile. God, those dimples were killer.

I grinned back unrepentantly and grabbed some towels out of the linen closet before heading into the bathroom. I leaned in to turn on the water, adjusting the temperature until it was nice and hot. I turned to look at Jasper and we stood facing each other in the small room. The heat from the shower had nothing on the heat from his expression. My body hummed in anticipation.

Smiling while staring into his eyes, I kicked off my shoes and saw him do the same in my peripheral vision. My eyes never leaving his, I lifted my feet one by one and slipped off my socks. His followed. I grabbed the neckline of my pullover and pulled it over my head, dropping it on the floor. He did the same. Our shirts followed and we were both naked from the waist up. God, his body was just as gorgeous as I remembered. I raised my eyebrow at him as I ran my thumbs under the waistband of my pants, giving him the opportunity to back down if he wanted. He simply cocked his eyebrow in response and flashed his dimples at me again. I pulled my pants down and stepped out of them, still staring into his beautiful golden eyes. He did the same and we were both standing in nothing but our underwear. I took a deep breath then slipped my boxer briefs over my ass, freeing my dick as I got completely naked for him. His hungry eyes stayed focused on mine as he stepped out of his own.

I succumbed first as my eyes were drawn down his body. His cock was long and thick and as hard as my own. "Nice," I breathed out, appreciatively.

He chuckled. "You too," he said as his hungry eyes roved over my body.

I held the shower door open for him. "After you," I said. I watched him as he stepped under the spray of the water. He lifted his face to the jets and ran his hands through his hair, wetting it thoroughly. I watched as the water streamed over his face, his broad shoulders and down his backside. I had never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life. My hands itched to touch him.

He looked over at me, shaking the water from his head and asked, "Aren't you going to join me?" I couldn't believe this was finally happening. My stomach knotted in anticipation and I stepped into the shower and straight into his arms. The feel of his bare skin against my own was incredible. Then his mouth was on mine as he kissed me hungrily and the heat flared between us like an inferno. We kissed and touched for blissful moments and I was lost in sensation, every inch of my skin burning for him. I reveled in the feel of his hard body, my hands sliding over the curve of his ass and pulling him closer. I gasped as our hard cocks rubbed together and was hit with a wave of desire so strong my head was spinning. My head fell back as I gasped out his name and his lips were on my neck, my shoulder, my jaw, his tongue running over my skin.

"Edward, Edward, Edward," he panted in my ear as his hands roamed over my body and his hips ground into mine. "You don't know how I've ached to touch you, to feel you like this," he groaned.

"Then touch me. Feel me. I'm yours, Jasper. All yours," I answered breathlessly. He captured my lips in another passionate kiss and I was drowning in want, all rational thought completely leaving me. I never knew anything could feel like this.

He pulled away to look at me and I was stunned by the expression on his face. His eyes were dark, almost black and they were wild and intense, as if his hunger was barely contained. Goosebumps traveled over my skin. _I_ was causing this reaction in him. Me. It was a heady feeling, that I could have such power over this remarkable creature.

His hand came up to stroke my face and he said, "In all my years, I've never seen anything as beautiful as you. I don't deserve you, but I'll spend the rest of eternity striving to be worthy."

I knew it was useless to argue with him when he said things like this. He never believed me when I told him that I was the lucky one. "The rest of eternity still wouldn't be enough time to spend with you," I told him earnestly. All that poetry was totally turning me into a romantic. But I meant it. With Jasper, I always craved more, and I could never get enough.

He pulled me in for another sweet kiss. "Let me take care of you," he requested, turning me so that I was under the spray of the shower. He reached for the shampoo and squirted some into his hand. I nodded and let the water saturate my hair. I stepped away a bit so that it wasn't spraying directly on my head and closed my eyes as Jasper began working the shampoo through my hair. His fingers were strong as he massaged my scalp in gentle, sensuous movements. I hummed in pleasure. He pulled me back under the spray and I dipped my head under the jets, rinsing the soap out of my hair.

Next he took the body wash and put some in his palm. He rubbed his hands together to lather them up then placed them on my shoulders close to my neck, rubbing gentle circles into my skin. He ran them over my chest next and stared intently at my nipples as his agile finger teased them to hardness. I took a deep breath and willed myself to stay still and not grab him and kiss him senseless. His hands moved back up to my shoulders then down my right arm, caressing my biceps, my forearm, my wrists, my fingers. He followed the same path back up my arm, then down the other and back up again, ending where he had started, with his hands on my shoulders. His eyes stayed focused on his hands, never straying from their close examination of my skin. It was as if he were learning me inch by inch, worshipping my body.

He turned me so that my back was to him and I felt his lips on the back of my neck. I closed my eyes again, gently swaying as I was consumed by a powerful surge of love and lust. I heard him pouring more of the wash into his hands and then his fingers were massaging the spot his mouth had just been. His hands roamed over my back, making lazy circles over my shoulders, tickling me and he trailed a finger down the middle of my spine. They curved over my backside and I sucked in a deep breath when his soapy hand slid between the cheeks of my ass. His slick finger gently slid across the opening of my flesh and I gave a small cry of surprise and pleasure as he touched me so intimately. Then his hands were back on my ass and running down the backs of my thighs.

I could tell he was kneeling now as he took the same care with my legs and feet as he had with my arms and hands. I reveled in the sensation of his hands moving over my skin, sucking in another sharp breath as they slid up to the juncture of my thighs, slightly grazing my balls. Jasper slowly rose to his feet, running his hands up the back of my thighs, again over my ass then circled them around my waist. He rubbed his hands over my abs and they quivered as he slowly stroked lower getting closer and closer to my straining erection.

He pressed his body against mine as his arms encircled me from behind and I felt his hard cock against the crack of my ass. His chest was against my back and his face was in my hair. We were in the exact same position as the first time we had been so physical. Except this time we were in love and we were both naked.

"I promise I won't run this time," he said into my ear as his hand finally grabbed hold of my aching dick. I couldn't help the loud keening noise that came out of my mouth as his fingers closed around my erection. His soapy hands slid up and down my aching length and I writhed against him, already keyed up from his torturous erotic caresses. I tried to will myself to calm down, but I was completely aroused and so turned on I thought I'd explode.

"Oh, God, Jasper," I moaned and turned my head so I could kiss him. I smashed my lips against his and he caught my cries with his mouth as he stroked me rhythmically. "You're going to make me come," I warned him, panting into his mouth, my whole body tensing.

"I want you to come undone," he said in my ear. "When I held you like this last and you cried out in release, I thought there was nothing more beautiful in the world than you losing yourself in pleasure."

"Jasper, God… Jasper," I gasped, his words inflaming me further. I could feel my balls tightening and knew it wouldn't be long. "I love you, Edward," Jasper said, his hand continuing to bring me closer to the brink. "I'll always love you. There will never be anyone for me but you, for all eternity." His arm tightened around me, and I felt him bury his face in my neck. "I love you, Edward. I love you," he said fervently into my skin.

I cried out as my orgasm ripped through me, my body jerking as thick ribbons of come shot from my dick. Jasper stroked me as I spasmed against his body, his low growl in my ear sending another shudder through me. My limbs felt like jelly as I fought to catch my breath and I turned in Jasper's arms crushing my mouth against his, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him deeply again and again and again. "So beautiful," he whispered against my cheek as he trailed gentle kisses across my face. "My beautiful boy."

He held me until I returned to earth and was semi-coherent again. I loved the feel of his body flush against mine. I leaned back to look at him, a blissful smile on my face. "Can I wash you now?" I asked. He nodded with a gentle smile.

As Jasper did to me, I directed him under the spray of the shower head and had him wet his hair thoroughly. I pulled him away from the jets and rubbed the shampoo in his hair, massaging his scalp with my fingers. He closed his eyes and a deep rumble came from his chest, like the purr from a great cat. It was fucking sexy. A shot of desire pulsed through me and I felt my dick twitch again. "Do that again," I directed and he opened his eyes, dark and hungry. The rumble sounded for a second time and I breathed, "So fucking sexy," in appreciation.

My hands roamed over every inch of him, tracing his scars, rubbing patterns on his skin, feeling his firm, muscular ass and thighs, his rock hard abs, his beautiful chest. God, he was gorgeous. I couldn't believe he was letting me touch him like this when so many times before he had flinched from me. I eagerly explored his body, taking my time as he had done with me. When I took his long hard cock in my hand he groaned and pressed his forehead against mine. I stroked him a few times, loving the feel of him under my hand, reveling in the almost animalistic sounds coming from him, marveling again that it was me making him feel this way.

After a minute or so, he reached down and grabbed my wrist with his hand and choked out, "Stop. Please."

My hand stilled and I looked up at his face. His eyes were tightly closed and he wore a pained expression on his face. He was swallowing rapidly and seemed to be struggling with some strong emotion.

I took my hand away from him and said, "Jasper, I won't ever do anything that you don't want to do. I just want to make you feel as good as you made me feel."

"I know, Edward," he said. "I… can't right now. I'm sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Jasper," I assured him. "C'mon. Let's get out and get dressed before we both turn into prunes, okay?"

"Sure," he answered, pulling me against him in one last embrace. I reveled in the feel of his body against mine, the warm water pouring over both our skins. I hoped he wasn't going to pull away from me again after this. I kissed him hard one last time then leaned behind him to shut the water off.

We toweled off and I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He really was beautiful. His body was unreal. I had just spent the last half hour or so touching him everywhere, but the pull was stronger than ever and my hands itched to be on his skin again. I pushed the impulse aside and grabbed some clothes for both of us out of my dresser. I couldn't, however, resist pulling him against me for one more kiss as he sat on the edge of the bed putting on his socks. We were lost in pleasure and we both fell back on the bed, our legs tangling.

We broke away from each other and lay there on our sides facing each other. I thought I had been happy before I met Jasper, but I just didn't know what happiness could be.

As I searched his face, memorizing his features I thought about some of the things my mom had said this morning.

"Jasper? Do you ever think about the future?" I asked.

"Of course I do," he answered.

"What are your plans for next year?" I asked. "Where are you hoping to go to college?" I asked, not wanting to think about being separated and hoping we'd at least be in the same area of the country.

"Wherever you're going," he said softly back to me.

"Yeah?" I asked with a smile slowly growing across my face.

"Yes," he said smiling back.

-o-

I took Mom's words to heart and made more of an effort to do some group things over the next couple of weeks. This was our last year together, after all, and I knew I'd miss these fuckers when I went away next year. Jasper continued to be somewhat reserved around other people; he only really loosened with me or Bella or Alice, but I appreciated that he took the effort to try and get to know my friends when I knew he'd much rather be alone with me.

I was thinking about Jasper, as usual, when I saw a subdued Alice slide into the seat next to me during our first period prep class. She gave me a weak smile and it was so unlike her normal bubbly self that I was concerned.

"Is everything okay, Alice?" I asked, pulling my desk closer to talk to her.

"Tyler broke up with me," she said.

I was surprised. They had both been at the movies this weekend.

"Wow, I'm sorry to hear that," I told her.

"He wanted… more out of the relationship than I was ready for," she said with a frown.

"Oh." I instantly knew what she meant. God, Tyler was such a dick. "Listen, Alice, I've been friends with Tyler a long time, but you're too good for him. If he'd break up with you over something like that, you are much better off without him."

She sighed. "I know. I mean, I really do know. It's not like we were madly in love like you… like some couples, but it's senior year and we've been dating all this time, and he's taking _Lauren_ to the winter formal." She said her name like it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Figures. If something "more out of the relationship" was what he was looking for, Lauren was well known to provide.

"I really wanted to go. It's my senior year," she said plaintively.

"I can take you, Alice," I offered. I didn't even really need to think about it. I knew how she was about these high school rituals. She seemed to get so much more enjoyment out of them than anyone else and I kind of liked seeing her reactions. It made all this goofy high school shit seem almost… important. If she wanted to go that much, I'd make sure she got there.

"You'd do that?" she asked in a hopeful voice.

"Sure. I'd be honored to be your date to the winter formal," I confirmed.

"Thank you, Edward!" she said with a bright smile and she leaned up over her desk to give me a quick hug.

"Oh, I know! I can ask Jasper to take Bella and we can all go together! It's going to be so much fun!" I laughed seeing her enthusiasm. I loved the idea of Bella and Jasper going too. I bet Jasper would look fucking hot in a suit. Maybe we'd even wear tuxes.

"You certainly move fast, don't you, Masen?" Tyler said in the locker room as we got changed for gym later that morning.

I didn't answer him.

"I wouldn't waste your time," he continued. "I've been dating the girl for almost two years and I've barely gotten to second base."

I felt my blood start to boil.

"Maybe it's just you, Tyler," Kip, one of the other ball players, said. "Masen got the luscious Bella Swan to give it up, after all. I bet you that he'll be the one to thaw your little ice queen too."

"Fuck you, Kip. It's definitely not me. Mallory's been happy enough to suck my dick for the last three months and I haven't heard any complaints from her."

"Like that's any kind of fair assessment. Lauren's mouth is usually too full of cock to complain about anything."

"Screw you. Twenty bucks says Masen doesn't get past second base," Tyler challenged.

"You're on," Kip agreed with a high five to Tyler.

I slammed my locker shut. "You guys are pigs," I spat out with disgust and stalked out of the locker room. Sometimes I wondered why I was even friends with these guys. Was it just out of habit since we had known and gone to school with each other for so long? I was shocked to find out that Lauren had been sucking off Tyler while he was still seeing Alice. That was fucked up.

I was still sort of steaming about Tyler on Saturday when Jasper came over to hang out. Once again my parents were in Seattle and wouldn't be coming home until tomorrow. I thanked the stars for my mother's obsessive love of all things musical and my parents' season tickets to the symphony.

Jasper seemed to sense I was upset about something, but I decided I wouldn't tell him what Tyler had said. It felt a little weird keeping something from him, but I had a feeling if I told him, he would not take it well. At all. Jasper may very well be the most romantic fucker on the planet, but that dangerous edge I had sensed from him the very first time I saw him was always there just under the surface. Although Jasper still hadn't ever really told me much about his past, I had spent plenty of time wondering how he had gotten his scars. I remembered Alice telling me how violent his former life had been. I suspected some horrible abuse—he couldn't stand to be touched most of the time, and I was grateful for how close he had allowed me to get. If I told him about Tyler, I could almost guarantee that he wouldn't hesitate to fuck Tyler up. And as satisfying as that may be in the short term, I felt in the long run it would probably be a set back to Jasper letting go of all that self hatred that also still lurked just under the surface.

When Jasper tried to get me to talk about it, I insisted it wasn't really important and I just needed something to take my mind off things. I suggested that making out with my boyfriend would probably help me.

"Oh it would, would it?" he asked with a grin. We were sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee and snacking on some cupcakes Mom had brought home earlier. Well, I was snacking on the cupcakes. Jasper still wouldn't eat in front of me, but I was happy that he would at least drink coffee with me now. I'd take any progress I could get.

"Most definitely," I insisted with a firm nod of my head.

"Well then, anything to help a friend," he said with a smile as he leaned over to kiss me gently on the lips.

At the touch of his lips on mine, that crazy electric shock surged through me and my body was instantly on fire. I moaned and leaned into him, gripping his shoulders tightly with my fingers. More. I wanted more.

I pulled away and looked into his golden eyes seeing the same hunger in them that I knew was coming straight from me. My heart was racing and I felt out of breath. I would never get tired of the way he made me feel. Never.

I stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him to the family room. "Come with me."

When we reached the couch, I turned him so that the backs of his knees were against the seat cushions, then I gave him a slight push, directing him to take a seat. My eyes never leaving his, I placed one knee on the cushion to the left of his thighs then brought the other down to the right so that I was straddling his lap. I sunk my fingers into his beautiful tawny waves and I leaned in to kiss him hungrily. His hands came up to cup my face as he groaned into my mouth. We kissed for what seemed like hours, each passing minute inflaming me more. His hands were on my face, my back, my ass, pressing me closer to him. My groin bucked into his and I could feel his rock hard dick rubbing against mine through our jeans as the friction of our movements drove us both into a frenzy.

I pulled away panting and looked down at his face, so fucking beautiful with his lips slightly swollen and his eyes dark with desire. "Lie down," I directed and he shifted so that he was lying lengthwise on the couch. I lay flush on top of him and groaned as my dick rubbed against his where our groins were aligned together. I leaned up on my elbows over him and stared into his eyes as I moved my hips, rubbing my crotch against his. It felt amazing and I imagined what this would feel like if we were both naked. I continued our dry humping, moving back and forth over him, shifting my hips slightly with each thrust to vary the sensation. Waves of desire pulsed through me with every answering thrust from him. My heart was pounding and I thrilled at the noises coming from Jasper—small grunts, low moans, soft growls. I was so completely aroused I knew I was going to come in my pants any minute.

I wanted Jasper to know how he made me feel, not just by the response of my body to his, but with the words from my heart. "I'm so in love with you Jasper," I said breathily. "I never knew anything could feel as wonderful as this." I leaned over to kiss him softly on the lips as I ground my hips hard into his. He groaned loudly into my mouth. When I pulled away to look at him again, he reached his hand up to gently touch my face and whispered, "I love you too, Edward. So much."

"I want you to make love to me," I told him, staring deep into his eyes as I continued to thrust against him. "I want you to be the first man to ever take me. The only man. I want to feel you buried deep inside my body, filling me completely."

"Oh, God… Edward," he moaned, closing his eyes tightly and thrashing his head from side to side.

"I want to be yours completely, in every way."

He reached up his hands to grip my shoulders and gently pushed, as if to move me off of him. "You have to stop. You're going to make me come," he gasped out.

"I want you to, Jasper. I want to watch your face as you come," I told him earnestly.

"I can't," he groaned out. "I can't ever lose control with you. I'm afraid to lose control."

My heart clenched at his words. "You don't ever have to be afraid with me, Jasper. Let go. I won't let anything hurt you, I promise."

His arms fell from my shoulders and he gave a small disbelieving laugh. "Edward," he groaned. "Sweet, sweet Edward. My beautiful boy. You don't understand. I'm afraid I'll hurt _you_ ," he said, his face pained.

"You could never hurt me, Jasper," I reassured him. "I know you. You would never, ever hurt me. Let yourself go. I'll be right here, watching over you."

My body was on the edge and it took everything I had in me to hold off my orgasm. I wanted Jasper to come with me. My heart was racing and my body was tensing. My hips moved against his in short erratic thrusts. I could feel the tightness in my abdomen and the tingling down my spine. My heart, so full of passion and love and desire and pleasure, was about to burst.

As I stared down into his beautiful face, lined with both pain and pleasure, I gave a few more hard thrusts against him, grunting as I began to lose control, I saw Jasper shut his eyes tightly and throw his head back, his body spasming beneath mine. He was so goddamn beautiful. So beautiful. His cries filled my ears and I followed him into ecstasy, my cries joining his as my own cock found its exquisite release.

When I came back to earth, I hung my head down and rested my forehead against his, gently moving my hips in small circles above him; soft sounds of pleasure still escaped from my lips. My arms gave out from beneath me and I collapsed onto his chest. He reached his arms up to encircle me and he held me close, whispering words of love and adoration in my ear.

When I could move again, I propped myself back up to look at him. He face held a look of wonder and I knew my own probably wore a similar expression. "Thank you for trusting me," I told him softly, my heart aching with love. He just pulled me back towards him and kissed me tenderly. I knew that something indelible had changed between us tonight and neither of us would ever be the same again.

-o-

I sat in front of Chief Swan's house and honked the horn for Bella. We were going to Port Angeles today so that Alice and Bella could find dresses for the upcoming dance. Jasper and I were playing chauffeur and tagging along for the ride. There was a music store I had been wanting to check out for a while now and I was looking forward to spending the day with Jasper. It almost felt like a date.

"Hey, Edward," Bella greeted me as she slid into the car.

"Hi Bella," I answered, waiting for her to put her seat belt on then pulling out of her drive to head towards the Cullens'.

"You look good," she said.

"Uh, thanks?" I responded, confused, looking down at my outfit and wondering what the hell she was on. I was wearing jeans, an old sweatshirt and my jacket.

She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Boys," she said with exasperation. "I mean that glow you've got about you. I take it things are going well with the gorgeous Texan?"

"Yeah, you could say that," I said with a big grin. "You won't mind me trying to get into your date's pants, I hope."

"Have at it," she said magnanimously. "I'd be disappointed if you weren't trying. That boy is hot."

"Tell me about it," I said with a happy sigh.

"Well, there's his ass, to start, and the way he can fill out a pair of jeans. Then there's the smile. You can't help but notice that pretty smile…"

"Oh my God, Bella. You always have to take things that one step too far, don't you?"

"You know it, lover boy," she said with a laugh.

"You had better behave when Jasper gets in the car," I warned her.

"Or you'll what?" she asked challengingly.

I paused for a moment, trying to think of a suitable threat. "I'll tell Alice that you couldn't stop talking about having a full spa day before the dance with manis and pedis and seaweed wraps and hair and make-up and whatever else shit they do at those girly girl places." I had clocked more than my fair share of hours listening to Rose and Alice and Jessica babble on about spa days during lunch over the last few years.

"You wouldn't dare," Bella said, glaring at me.

"Oh wouldn't I?" I shot back.

"Fine. I won't embarrass you in front of your boyfriend," she conceded.

"Thanks," I said sarcastically.

"By the way, you should never use the phrase 'manis and pedis' again."

Jasper and I dropped the girls off in front of the dress shop, making plans to meet them later for dinner then drove several blocks away to the warehouse building that housed the music store. They had rows upon rows of vinyl and Jasper and I spent close to two hours there. Like almost everything we talked about, Jasper was very knowledgeable about music. He knew about bands I had never even heard of and he seemed equally familiar with a wide variety of musical genres: classical, rock, country, jazz. Once again, I was impressed with how smart he was.

He seemed equally impressed with my knowledge of classical music, noting that most guys our age weren't really into it, but I reminded him of my mother's passion for it, plus I had been forced to take piano lessons from the time I was about five.

"Do you still play?" he asked with curiosity.

"Not really. My mom always drags me out to perform carols at Christmas time, but I'm really out of practice."

"Maybe you could play for me sometime," he said.

"Sure, if you like," I agreed, even though I was pretty rusty. When he smiled, it was absolutely worth it.

I heard my phone ringing and looked at the display to see that Bella was calling.

"Hey, Bella. Are you guys ready to meet up for dinner?" I asked.

" _No. There's been a change of plans._ "

"What's up?"

" _We ran into Jessica at the dress shop and she wants to go catch a movie. We're going to grab some fast food or something and catch a ride back with her, if that's ok with you guys._ "

"Sure. That's fine. Have a good time," I told her. I completely didn't mind getting to keep Jasper to myself for the rest of the evening.

" _You guys should try that Italian place on 1st and Lincoln," she suggested. "It's very romantic._ "

"Yeah, ok, thanks. We might give it a try. Hey, did you guys find dresses?" I asked, trying to be polite.

" _Yep, we both did. Jessica too. Mine is Alice approved, so I can relax now. And I don't have to wear heels. Oh, hey!" she added. "If you go to the Italian place, have Jasper bring us back a couple of cannolis. I'm crashing at Alice's tonight._ "

"Will do. Have a good time," I told her.

" _You too, lovebird._ " She ended the call before I could get out a retort. I rolled my eyes.

"Did you catch that?" I asked Jasper, not sure if he could hear everything we had said.

"Most of it, I think. They're skipping dinner and going to the movies instead?"

"Yeah, that's the gist of it," I answered. "Did you want to go get some dinner with me?" I asked hesitantly, knowing that he probably wasn't going to eat anyway.

"I'd love to take you out to dinner, "Edward," he said sincerely. My insides melted when he looked at me that way.

"Okay, great," I said with a smile. "Bella suggested that Italian place downtown."

"That sounds good to me," he said.

"Do you want to walk there?" I asked. "It's a nice evening and it's not that far." I just wanted to drag out our time together.

"Sure," Jasper agreed.

We didn't talk much on the way to the restaurant, but I didn't mind. I enjoyed being in his company, matching my stride to his, feeling that crazy buzz between us. Our hands occasionally brushed against each other's and I reveled in the sensation. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and grab his hand and hold it while we walked down the street, but I still wasn't ready for that. He'd look over at me and his face held such adoration and love that I thought my heart would jump right out of my chest. How did I get so fucking lucky?

We were seated in a booth in the more private section of the restaurant, away from the storefront windows. The waitress came over to take our drink orders and I noticed her eyeing Jasper appreciatively. I didn't blame her, but I still inwardly bristled at her behavior. Hands off, bitch, he's mine. Jasper looked up at me and winked, as if he could sense my thoughts, bringing a chagrined smile to my face.

I order a Coke and Jasper unsurprisingly ordered coffee. While the waitress was getting our drinks, I looked over the menu and noticed a pasta dish with mushroom ravioli in a white cream sauce. My mind went to dirty dirty places remembering Bella telling me that the taste of cum reminded her of sautéed mushroom. I knew what I was having for dinner.

I ordered with a smirk and Jasper looked at me questioningly, but I just shook my head in response. I decided I would keep those thoughts to myself for the time being. As I predicted, Jasper declined to order any dinner, wrapping his hands around his mug and saying he was fine with the coffee. Even though I was expecting it, my mood shifted and I looked down at the table. I was used to his ways, but I sometimes wondered if he'd ever fully let me in.

"What is it, Edward?" Jasper asked softly.

I didn't want to ruin our evening. Today had been great so far. "It's nothing," I replied.

"I not sure I believe you," he said gently.

I raised my eyes to look at him and my heart clenched at the sad expression on his face.

"I just was wondering if you were ever going to let me in. There's so much about you that I still don't know."

He was quiet for a few minutes and I almost thought he wasn't going to respond. Then he whispered, "I'm afraid."

"What are you afraid of?" I asked, already suspecting the answer.

"I'm afraid if I tell you everything, that if you know what I truly am, you won't love me anymore." He looked like he was in pain.

"That's never going to happen, Jasper," I told him earnestly, reaching out to hold his hand. I didn't care who saw us. "Nothing you tell me could ever make me love you any less. Nothing."

The waitress interrupted us and Jasper pulled his hand away quickly while she placed my meal in front of me. "Can I get you anything else right now?" she asked.

"No thank you," I answered.

"Some more coffee, please," Jasper requested.

"Sure, be right back," she responded.

We didn't talk while we waited for the waitress to return with the coffee. Once she had refilled his cup and left again, I tried once more to reassure him.

"I meant what I said that night, Jasper. I want you to be the first man to ever take me. I want you to make love to me. I'm always going to love you, no matter what. I want it to be you."

His eyes burned into mine. They blazed with emotion. "I can't," he said in a pained voice.

A knot twisted in my gut. I set down my fork. Suddenly I wasn't very hungry. "Why not?" I asked softly, trying to hide the hurt in my voice. I felt a burning behind my eyelids and I struggled to keep my emotions in check. How had this evening gotten so fucked up? Why couldn't I just be patient and keep my fucking mouth shut?

"I don't want to hurt you," he said with anguish. "I could never live with myself if I hurt you."

He was hurting me now, but I knew that's not what he meant. "Jasper, I've told you before, I don't believe you could ever hurt me. You couldn't. It doesn't have to be today, or next week, or even next year. I just need to believe that one day you're going to let me in. That you're going to tell me why you're covered in scars and don't like to be touched or won't eat in front of other people. I need to believe that someday I'm going to truly know you."

He was silent for a long while. I picked at my dinner and tried not to panic and I watched a myriad of emotions play out over his face. God, why was I always pushing things? He was going to fucking run again; I could sense it.

Finally, he breathed out a single, "Okay." His expression was calm, as if he had come to a decision and was at peace with it.

"Okay?" I asked, confused by his unexpected answer.

"Yes, okay," he reiterated. "I can see now that I have no choice."

"What?" I squeaked out, shocked that he felt that way. "No, Jasper," I said frantically. "I'm sorry! That's not at all what I meant." I didn't want him to tell me his secrets because I pressured him into it; I wanted him to want to tell me.

"Shhh, Edward. It's alright," he soothed me. "I know that's not what you meant."

I relaxed a bit. "What _do_ you mean?" I asked cautiously.

"I meant what I said before too. There will never be anyone for me but you. I'm going to love you for all eternity." His eyes were dark and intense and I felt the familiar flips in my stomach at his declaration. "I ache for you Edward. I'm afraid, but I'm starting to realize I could never stay away from you. It's inevitable that you'll… discover things. I _will_ tell you everything. One day soon. I promise."

"You will?" I asked with a smile, still somewhat in disbelief that the evening had turned around so suddenly.

"I will," he affirmed with a steady voice.

My appetite had miraculously reappeared and I speared a ravioli with my fork and popped it into my mouth, fighting the stupid grin that wanted to take over my face. Jasper smiled at me and his expression held such warmth and such love that it completely filled me with happiness. He was so fucking wonderful.

The rest of the meal was heaven. There was a new lightness to Jasper's demeanor, as if once he stopped fighting whatever it was that had been holding him back, he had reached some kind of inner peace. It was as if a switch had been flipped and my beautiful, golden boy now glowed with contentment and happiness.

He flirted outrageously and I found myself laughing and laughing time and again. He certainly could be a charming motherfucker. I could barely believe he was the same tortured, broody man I had known before. Oh, I had no illusions that this breakthrough was an end to all his issues; I absolutely expected emo Jasper to make his reappearance at some point. But for now, I was going to enjoy this new lighthearted man who smiled and laughed and joked and flirted and who made me feel that the world was an amazing place just full of possibilities.

He paid the check and helped me with my jacket and we walked out of the restaurant, our shoulders playfully bumping, eager to make any physical connection that we possibly could. When we stepped out into the cool night air, he looked at me with a smile and said, "Wait, Edward, you've got a little bit of besciamella sauce on your face." He reached out his hand and cupped my cheek, gently running his thumb across the corner of my lower lip. I shifted my head to grab his thumb between my teeth and I playfully bit down on it gently before sucking it into my mouth. God, he tasted delicious. I swirled my tongue around his thumb and his body tensed. The smile faded from his face and was replaced with a look of pure desire. His eyes darkened and a soft growl came from his throat.

"God, how I want you, Edward," he said, his voice filled with passion.

I released his thumb from my mouth, reaching up my hand to twine my fingers into his. I held his hand down at our sides. "Then have me, Jasper. I'm already yours anyway. Come home with me and make love to me," I entreated.

His eyes stared into mine, searching. When he gave a small nod of affirmation, I almost combusted from the blazing desire that pulsed through me. I shut my eyes to savor the joy of this moment and I felt his fingers gently squeezing mine as he placed a tender kiss upon my lips. I opened my eyes to see the same joy shining in his.

As we started walking back to the car I remember Bella's request for dessert. "Oh shit," I laughed coming to a stop. "You're supposed to bring Bella and Alice home some cannolis." Cockblocked by Italian pastries.

He gave a little laugh and rolled his eyes. "Fine, let's go back."

"I've got a better idea," I said. "You go back and get the desserts and I'll go get the car and come pick you up. It will be faster."

He laughed. "I like your way of thinking." He gave me a quick kiss on my lips and said, "See you in a few, my beautiful boy."

I walked rapidly down the block, in a hurry to get back to my gorgeous boyfriend. I couldn't believe everything that had happened tonight. And when we got home, he was going to make love to me. I was anxious and nervous and excited and aroused, and above all, deliriously happy.

I was so lost in my blissful musings that I didn't realize someone was walking behind me. I became aware of voices and was shocked when I made out the words.

"What's your hurry, faggot," a deep voice called out. My blood chilled.

I glanced behind me and saw two men following me. I picked up my pace, trying to calculate if I could outrun them if it came to that.

"Hey, where're you going?" they called out. "We just want to say a friendly hello. You looked pretty friendly back there, pretty boy." They continued to make crude jokes while I walked faster. They sounded drunk.

I heard them break into a run and my adrenaline surged as I reached into my pocket for my keys, sprinting down the block. If I could just make it to the car... As I rounded the corner of the last block, I came to a quick stop. Two more men were waiting for me. Fuck. I said a quick prayer of thanks that Jasper wasn't with me as the men approached and surrounded me. I slipped the keys between my fingers, preparing to use them as a weapon if necessary.

"Why the rush, pretty boy?" one of the men asked.

"It's late," I replied warily. "I'm just trying to get home. I'm not looking for any trouble."

"What are you looking for, faggot? Maybe some cock? You wanna see what a real man feels like?" the biggest man said, grabbing his crotch.

I backed away from him and accidentally bumped into one of the other men.

He shoved me hard from behind. I staggered, almost falling, and dropped my keys in the process. "Watch where you're going, faggot," he said with a sneer. "This little cocksucker tried to come on to me," he said indignantly to his friends. Did you see that?"

"Yeah, I saw it, Dean. Looks like Larry wasn't enough for him. He wants you too."

"Shut the fuck up. I'm not touching some faggot."

As the two men argued, I tried to make a run for it. I wouldn't have my keys, but I was fast and I hoped I could outrun them, especially since they were drunk.

Before I took more than a few steps a leg reached out to trip me. I went flying and fell hard against the ground, jamming my wrist. I groaned. Before I could get up, one of the men walked over to me and kicked me hard in the stomach. My breath rushed out of my lungs and I wrapped my arms around my waist, groaning.

Someone grabbed me by the upper arms and hauled me to my feet, holding me with my back to him. One of the men smacked my face hard and I felt my teeth cut into the inside of my mouth. "Where do you think you're going, faggot?" he asked, hitting the other side of my face even harder. "Larry, here, invited you to party and it's a little fucking rude of you to try and leave without saying goodbye." He punched my face again and again and again then his fist sunk hard into my stomach and as his leg came up to knee me in the groin. I doubled over groaning, as much as I was able while still being held from behind.

The man holding me let go suddenly and flung me forcefully to the ground. He followed his action with a hard kick to my ribs then stomped down hard on my calf. I screamed as I felt the bone break.

"Jesus," the man said in disgust. "What a fucking pussy. There's barely any fight in him. Look at him." He kicked me again in the same leg. I screamed.

"Fucking fairy!" he screamed, kicking me again and again in a blind rage. I lay huddled in a ball trying to protect whatever parts of my body I could.

"Christ, Larry, are you trying to fucking kill him?" one of the men asked. Larry gave one last kick and said, "Fucking cocksucker."

"Let's get out of here," the men grumbled. "His boyfriend might come looking for him."

"Let him come," one of the men said. "We'll teach him a fucking lesson too." I felt the fear shoot through me as I thought of Jasper showing up here. Please God, don't let him find us, I silently prayed.

"Christ. Come the fuck on," the man said impatiently.

"I'm not finished here," the one called Larry protested. "This little faggot needs to find out what a real man feels like." He kicked me viciously once more in the head and I lay on the edge of consciousness as I felt his hands at my waist trying to tug my pants down.

I felt the cold air against my exposed skin and was screaming " _No, no, no, please God no_ ," inside my head, but no sound came out.

Suddenly, I heard the men's agitated voices and the sound of feet running. I slowly opened my eyes and saw the most glorious sight I had ever seen. Jasper was there, his golden curls around his head like a leonine halo. He roared ferociously as one of the men threw a punch at him. He grabbed the arm mid swing and snapped it with his bare hand, flinging the man aside. The man screamed as he landed hard on his ass and backed away in fear, cradling his useless limb. When he reached his feet, he took off running, following the other two men who had already fled. Then without hesitation Jasper took a flying leap at Larry, as graceful and powerful as a lion, and with a roar of fury grabbed him around the neck, twisting his head with one savage jerk, then throwing his limp, lifeless form to the ground. He stood there, my deadly angel, and threw his head back once more, roaring a deafening sound of rage and anguish. He was otherworldly—powerful, dangerous, lethal, and feral. My beautiful golden boy.

And then he was kneeling over me, my darling Jasper, softly comforting me. Apologizing, reassuring me, promising me that everything was going to be all right. My heart surged with love and gratitude and I whispered, as I faded into unconsciousness, "I know it will. You're here now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 12 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/06/chapter-12-it-shall-be-you.html)


	14. Chapter 13 - The Deepening Shade

**"In a dark time, the eye begins to see,  
I meet my shadow in the deepening shade;  
I hear my echo in the echoing wood—  
A lord of nature weeping to a tree.  
I live between the heron and the wren,  
Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den."**

_\- Theodore Roethke, "In a Dark Time," l. 1-6_

* * *

**Chapter 13 – The Deepening Shade**

 

JPOV

I waited in the restaurant while the hostess chatted with some guests. They appeared to be regulars who had finished their dinner and had stopped to say goodnight on their way out. I was impatient, anxious to be back with my beautiful boy, but nothing could dampen my spirits tonight; I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders once I had made the decision to be with Edward in every way possible. We would physically consummate our love for one another and I would tell him everything—my terrible past… my monstrous nature… and my undying devotion.

I pictured his face when I had finally agreed to share my secrets with him; his smile radiated joy. I was still terrified. Terrified that I would hurt him physically, terrified that I was bringing him into a world that was fraught with risk and much too dangerous for his gentle innocence. But most of all, I was terrified that once he knew the truth, he would decide to leave me.

My power allowed me to feel what he felt for me and his emotions were true and beautiful and crystal pure. I recognized them for what they were, having experienced similar feelings before… between Peter and Charlotte, Carlisle and Esme, Rosalie and Emmett. His love was so abundant and shined so brightly I hoped with everything in me that it was enough for him to stay with me, even after I revealed my true self. His faith in me was so strong, I gave myself over to it, trusting in him more readily than I trusted in myself. I still felt unworthy, but I no longer had a choice; I belonged to him. I would belong to him forever.

Finally the couple monopolizing the hostess' attention left and I was able to order the cannoli for the girls. As I waited, I let my mind wander to the moment outside the restaurant when Edward sucked my thumb in his mouth after I reached out to wipe the bit of besciamella sauce from his face. Desire immediately flared between us, hot and aching and overpowering. When he asked me to make love to him, I capitulated to his entreaty; I no longer had the ability to deny my sweet boy anything. The ringing of my phone roused me from my blissful thoughts and I pulled it from my pocket, looking at the display and seeing Alice's name. I laughed to myself, letting her go to voice mail. Undoubtedly, she had seen us so wrapped up in each other that we had initially forgotten the desserts.

The phone rang again as I was paying the hostess and politely responding to her friendly chatter. By the time we finished our transaction, Alice had been sent to voice mail again. I smiled imagining her frustration. As I exited the restaurant, container in hand, she rang for a third time. I put the phone up to my mouth and said, laughingly, "We remembered, Alice..."

I barely got those few words out before she frantically interrupted me, yelling into the phone, "Edward's in trouble! Hurry, Jasper! He's in trouble!" White hot fear surged through my body and the desserts tumbled from my hand, the pastries falling on the ground as the container lid popped open from its collision with the sidewalk, one of the cannoli rolling a few inches before coming to a stop.

I was paralyzed, unable to move for what seemed like minutes when in reality it was but fractions of a second, then I was racing down the block at inhuman speed, not caring who might see.

Rage.

Intense and burning, blinding rage filled me when I saw my beloved boy crumpled on the ground and that filthy animal's hands on his skin, preparing to violate him.

The scent of blood was strong in the air, and I recognized it as belonging to my precious Edward, his beautiful face bloodied and beaten. My blood lust roared to life and it fueled my rage; the monster within thrashed against its restraints, begging to be unleashed.

It had been decades since I had engaged in warfare, but my battle instincts were as sharp and as honed as ever. Jasper Whitlock, high school student and son of Carlisle Cullen ceased to exist as Major Whitlock, feared scourge of the Southern Vampire Wars, emerged from the past to take his place. The urge to annihilate surged powerfully within me and my demon nature reared forth.

I would end him.

On the periphery I was aware of two figures running down the block. A third stood between me and my prey. He came at me and I deftly captured his arm mid swing, snapping it like a twig with one easy motion, flinging him out of my path. I barely registered his scream, so focused was I on my goal.

Thoughts were running through my head at lightning speed as I calculated the best means to terminate the vermin before me. I wanted to leap on him and rip his throat out with my razor sharp teeth and tear him from limb to limb. The safety of my Edward was paramount and I knew I could not let the taste of blood pass my lips, lest I succumb to thirst that would surely be triggered. As it was, I already felt my mouth pooling with venom, the scent tugging me towards madness.

The anger and hatred emanating from the foul beast fueled my own. I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to die terrified and alone and powerless. If it weren't for my beloved Edward, lying wounded on the ground, I would inflict slow, painful torture upon this loathsome creature, but that wasn't possible right now; he needed to die. Instead, I filled him with terror as I leapt on him with a roar, snapping his neck with one deft move then tossing his useless carcass aside in disgust.

I wanted to break his neck a hundred times over. The ease with which he was dispatched seemed anticlimactic when I had so much rage and turmoil still pulsing within me. I felt no satisfaction at his demise. Such a frail and useless thing it was, it seemed impossible that it could have caused my sweet Edward such damage and ruin. My rage had nowhere to go, and I roared into the night sky all my frustration, my anger, my devastation, my pain.

I turned my attention to my precious boy and saw his leafy green eyes fixed on me, so bright and clear in his swollen, battered face. Another pang of anger rushed through me, not just for seeing what had been done to my beautiful boy, but for him having witnessed what I had just wrought. This was not how I had wanted to reveal my horrifying nature, by loosing the monster and killing a man with my bare hands right before his eyes. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

As with every time before I had expected to see him recoiling in fear, he only looked at me with adoration. I felt his love for me, burning as bright and as pure as ever. I knelt down next to him, afraid to touch him, unsure if I would damage him further. I needed Carlisle.

"I'm here, Edward. They're gone. They won't hurt you anymore." I gently took his hand in mine and brushed his hair from his forehead with the other. I was comforted by the touch of his skin, the steady beating of his heart. "I'm sorry I wasn't here to protect you. I should have protected you. I'm so sorry. I'm calling Carlisle and we'll get you help. Everything's going to be okay, Edward. I promise. Everything is going to be all right." I wasn't sure if I was reassuring him or myself. Now that my blind rage was fading, fear was blooming in my chest. How badly was he injured? I didn't know.

"I know it will," he slurred, his lips swollen and bleeding. "You're here now," he whispered as he faded into unconsciousness. Pure panic took over and I focused on the rhythm of his heart, trying to ignore my fear, my anger, the venom that flowed freely in my mouth at the proximity of his blood. I wanted to kill; I wanted to sink my teeth into a pulsing throat and drain the life from it. I needed to put some distance between me and the blood that spilled from Edward, but I couldn't bring myself to let him go. I needed to touch him, to know he was real and here and still alive. Everything was too much, too overwhelming. I felt completely crazed.

I pulled my cell from my pocket, grateful I hadn't dropped it outside the restaurant and called Carlisle. My hands were shaking as I dialed his number and when he answered I practically screamed. "Carlisle! I need you. Edward's hurt. Please..." I practically sobbed.

"I'm on my way," his steady voice reassured me. "Alice called me. An ambulance is on its way too. How badly is he hurt, Jasper?" Carlisle asked.

"I don't know," I wailed. "He's bleeding and he's unconscious and his breathing's not right..." I choked up and couldn't continue.

"I'll be there soon, son," Carlisle assured me. "Do you need to leave? Is the blood too much for you, Jasper? I'm not far, I promise."

"I'm not leaving him," I practically screamed.

"Okay. Okay, Jasper. I'm almost there. Just hold tight for a few minutes more, son."

I saw the flashing lights of the ambulance approaching, but it only agitated me more, knowing that he needed medical attention when I should have been with him protecting him. I felt so helpless. Why had I spent all those years studying history? I should have done something worthwhile with my time, like going to medical school. Even Rosalie had a medical degree.

The paramedics jumped from their truck and one ran over to the vermin's corpse while the other rushed to Edward. "This one's gone," I heard the first say before he moved to join his partner. As the second reached for Edward, I bared my teeth growling fiercely. He backed away in fear.

"We're just trying to help him," he said slowly and carefully. "He needs medical attention. We're not going to hurt him."

"Maybe we should wait for the cops," the other said quietly. I eyed them both warily.

"I don't think we have time for that," his partner answered.

Another car pulled up and I saw Carlisle jump out and run towards me. My relief was immediate.

"Dr. Cullen, stay back," one of the men warned.

"That's my son," he responded to them as he ignored the warning and knelt down next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

"Jasper, let go of Edward and let the men do their job. They know what they're doing and they're going to help him," he said softly to me. "He'll need to go to the hospital. Come with me, son."

"Will he be all right, Carlisle?" I asked, my eyes begging for an answer.

"The sooner they can work on him, the sooner we'll know the extent of his injuries. I promise they'll do everything they can for him, son." He motioned the men over to us.

"That's right," one of the paramedics agreed. "We're going to do everything possible for him. We just need to make sure he can be moved and that he's stabilized for transport. Dr. Cullen will know exactly what we're doing, every step of the way."

"You'll go with him, won't you, Carlisle?" I asked as I let myself be led away.

"I will," he assured me, "just as soon as I'm sure that you're okay, Jasper, and the situation is under control. Alice had Bella call Charlie Swan. He'll be here soon. It's not his jurisdiction, but having him put in a word for you will go far, I think."

I was confused as to what he meant at first, then I raged anew at realizing what was in store for me. Of course. There was a dead man, not twenty feet away from us. There would be an investigation. My whole family was at risk. I hadn't even considered the repercussions when I went for the kill; my only thought had been to end its miserable worthless life. Another layer of guilt piled high on top of what I already felt for my failure to protect Edward.

My anger still raged and the scent of blood remained heavy in the air. I turned towards Edward, seeking the comfort his presence always lent, but there was no comfort to be found. I could only see the poking and prodding, the tubes and needles, the urgent actions of the paramedics. I pushed the fleeting thought that I might lose Edward aside, lest I go completely mad right then. I frantically listened for his heart beat and held on to it like a life line, the steady sound tethering me to the earth.

Carlisle could sense I was near my breaking point. I'm sure my turmoil was being broadcast to anyone near; I was not at all in control of myself. He led me to the curb and had me sit down away from the growing crowd, urging me to keep it together for just a little longer. I heard snippets of conversation as the police arrived. Carlisle arguing that I was in shock and needed to be treated at the hospital and that their questioning could wait. Their insistence that there was a man dead and they needed answers right away. At some point Chief Swan had arrived and he backed Carlisle, personally vouching for our family, telling the Port Angeles officers that my sister Alice was like another daughter to him and he would bring me to the station himself after I was cleared by the doctors.

I knew I should care about what would happen to me, what exposure I may have opened my family to, but the only thing I cared about right then was my Edward, how badly he was hurt, whether he would be all right.

Somehow Alice and Emmett were both here and sitting on either side of me. Alice gripped my hand in both of hers and her face reflected all the sorrow that she felt. I shut my eyes against the fresh onslaught of pain and Emmett pulled me to his chest, holding me tight. My body shook with sobs and I felt my tenuous hold on my composure splintering and cracking. My emotions were so out of control I could not rein them in. I raged, I grieved; I wanted to follow the scent of the men who had fled and extinguish their pitiful lives. I wanted to hear them scream and watch them suffer and snuff them from existence with the strength of my hands, the sharp bite of my teeth. I wanted them to pay for what they had done.

Emmett held me even tighter while whispering urgently in my ear to hold on… to hold on for just a few minutes more. Alice rubbed gentle circles on my back, promising me that Edward would be fine… he was going to be fine. And then Edward was being lifted onto the ambulance with Carlisle climbing in behind him; Alice was to follow in Carlisle's car, meeting them at the hospital; and Emmett was guiding me to the passenger seat of his car, pausing to speak with Chief Swan and the Port Angeles officers before getting in and starting the engine.

We drove out of town and I started panicking anew as we got further and further away from Edward. Emmet reached over and gripped my hand, anchoring me.

"I'm taking you to hunt," he explained to me and the venom flowed in my mouth, my body automatically reacting to the thought of the kill. As soon as we were away from inhabited areas he pulled over to the side of the road. We both got out of the car and then we were running, side by side through the forest.

I caught the musky scent of a herd of elk to the east. The tangy smell was unpleasant, but my mouth watered nonetheless. The scent of blood—Edward's blood—had tormented me for far too long and my throat burned with thirst. The herd scattered as we neared, but I leapt with a fearsome roar, sinking my teeth into the throat of one hapless animal, draining its life in minutes. I savagely raced after the terrified beasts, felling one after another, ripping out their throats in a state of madness, finally able to release the tight hold I had on my control. My rage was all consuming and I channeled it into the hunt, my monstrous nature set free. I wanted to kill and kill and kill again, but no matter how many elk I took down, relief eluded me. They fell too easily, just as that foul creature had earlier this evening.

After I had attacked a half dozen or so, Emmett grabbed my arm before I could chase after yet another. "That's enough, Jasper."

I bared my teeth at him and growled savagely, angry that he would deny me. He let go of me and backed away. Then he said, "Hit me. Come at me. Take it out on me. I won't break."

I looked at him in disbelief, but I saw that he was serious. I pushed aside my fury momentarily to sense what he was feeling; his compassion for me was overwhelming. "If anything happened to Rosalie, I don't know what I'd do," he said.

"Now hit me," he prompted. I stared at him uncertainly. He walked up to me and pushed at my chest. "Hit me, Jasper," he repeated. "You need to let it out before we go back." He pushed me forcefully again, and I stumbled back a step.

My rage was burning and as Emmett shoved me one last time, I let out a roar, lunging at him. Our bodies clashed together with the sound of thunder and we were rolling on the ground, struggling against each other. He was strong, but I was fast and had decades of fighting experience on him. He was no match for me. Emmett's face faded away and was replaced with the cruel visage of Edward's attacker. My fists plowed into him again and again, his grunts spurring me on. I wanted to hurt him, to feel him suffer, to tear him from limb to limb. My deadly growls warned of my lethal intentions and I felt his fear, heady and glorious. Someone was calling my name, but I ignored the sound, focusing on the kill.

"Jasper!" I heard again as someone wrapped their arms around my chest. I snarled and tore myself free, turning to face my new attacker. How dare they interrupt my moment of vengeance.

"Rosalie?" I asked confused.

"Alice sent me. She sensed things might get out of hand."

"Uh, yeah, maybe I made a slight miscalculation there," Emmett said sheepishly, walking carefully towards me.

"God, Emmett, I'm so sorry," I said in horror, realizing how close I had been to tearing his head from his shoulders. My own brother. I was a monster.

"Oh, no you don't," Emmett cut in. "You are not allowed to feel guilty about this. I provoked you. I was the one who insisted. And I'm fine. You would have stopped in time. Besides, don't underestimate me. I may not have your experience, but I still have a few tricks up my sleeve." He meant what he said, even though the fear I had felt from him was real. Why was everyone always giving me the benefit of the doubt? I didn't deserve it. I felt Rosalie's uncertainty and was comforted. She wasn't one to flinch from reality.

"Do you at least feel a little better now?" Emmett asked.

For a few moments I had forgotten why I was so angry, but it all came crashing back. Edward crumpled on the ground, bloody and beaten, that evil creature's hands on his body, preparing to violate him.

"No," I wailed in anguish.

"No… no, I suppose not," Emmett said with a heavy sign. "Still, we need to get you back. You know they're going to question you, right?"

"I know."

"That's also why I'm here," Rosalie cut in. "I've got fresh clothes for you. Alice says you're to cooperate fully. You waited for the desserts while Edward got the car. When he didn't arrive, you went to look for him and found him under attack. Two men ran and the other two turned to attack you. You injured one and killed the other. You called Alice who called Carlisle and the ambulance. Keep it simple. It was self defense."

I nodded in acknowledgement. "The desserts... I dropped them in front of the restaurant."

"Alice got them. They're at the car. We're to swing by the hospital first, so Carlisle can look at you. You're being treated for shock."

I understood the importance of these details, but she was leaving out the most crucial.

"Edward?" I was almost afraid to ask.

"I don't know the specifics, Jasper. Alice insists he's going to be fine. Okay? She says he's going to be fine." She rubbed her hand over my back.

How could he possibly be fine again after what had happened, even if his body was to heal? The ache in my chest was unbearable.

I let Emmett and Rosalie guide me back to our vehicles and help me change. We rode in silence to the hospital in Port Angeles, but Emmett's hand never left mine, offering his support, lending me his strength when I had none. Alice met us at the hospital and guided us to a room where I had supposedly been taken by Emmett earlier. I waited anxiously for Carlisle, desperate for word on Edward.

He showed up a few minutes later and immediately wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me in a tight hug. "He's going to be fine," he whispered.

"Tell me," I demanded.

Carlisle began listing Edward's medical condition. "The tension pneumothorax was the most serious, but the paramedics arrived quickly and were able to perform a needle decompression right away; they were able to keep it from becoming life threatening. He has several broken ribs, multiple contusions, substantial bruising and a concussion from the head trauma, along with a small subdural hematoma. The attacker was wearing steel toed boots. We've run a CT scan and there's no apparent brain swelling, but he'll be under observation throughout the night. Right now he's prepping for surgery to repair his leg. I'll be performing it."

I felt myself getting weaker and more nauseous with each word he spoke as I listened to him giving the rundown of Edward's injuries. I was bent over double gagging by the time Carlisle had finished speaking. He guided me over to a chair and knelt down in front of me, gripping my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. "He's going to recover. He'll probably have some issues with the closed head injury for a while—short term memory loss, headaches, emotional instability and so forth. The leg will take time to heal, as will the ribs. He'll be in considerable pain, but I see no cause for long term concern."

My mind was reeling; the blood from the elk sloshed uncomfortably in my stomach. I felt like I was going to crawl right out of my skin.

I realized Carlisle was shaking me. "Jasper, listen to me. You've got to pull it together. Let me worry about Edward. Esme drove his parents here, so his family is with him. He's in good hands. Charlie's going to take you to the police station. Esme will be going along. I know you understand how serious this is for us all. Alice can't see what the outcome is going to be, but Charlie believes there's a good chance there will be no charges filed against you if they can verify this was a hate crime. He thinks they're going to find that it was self defense. They've already identified the man you killed. He was recently released from prison and has a previous record of sexual assault. You need to go there and remain calm and let things play out. Can you do that?"

I nodded tersely.

"One of us will be here at all times, I promise you. We'll take care of your boy."

I nodded again and gripped him tightly when he wrapped his arms around me again, burying my face in his chest.

"I love you, son," Carlisle whispered to me.

-o-

I waited alone in the Port Angeles police station in a small room with a table and a few chairs. I could hear the faint voices of the officers outside discussing my situation. Charlie, at Esme's behest, was trying to convince them to let me go home to my family for the night while they continued their investigation.

"He's a good kid," Charlie insisted. "He's like family. His sister Alice practically lives at our house."

"We don't doubt that. Fact is, though, we've got a dead man and your boy killed him with his bare hands. Frankly, my men are a little scared of him. Makes them uncomfortable to be in the room alone with him."

"Now I think that's a bit of an over reaction," Charlie countered calmly. "Of course he's on edge. His boyfriend's in the hospital after being beaten practically to death. Then he's attacked too. The doctors had to treat him for shock. I say he's lucky he knew how to defend himself. You've questioned him plenty and if you don't mind me saying, the situation seems pretty cut and dried to me. These boys are the victims here."

I couldn't listen anymore, couldn't deal with the reminder of what had happened to Edward. The rage simmered, ready to bubble over; I knew I could not let it get the best of me. I did the only thing I could think of to calm my fluctuating emotions. I pushed aside the image of Edward, bloodied and beaten, lying on the ground. Instead I remembered his radiant smile, his creamy magnolia skin, the beautiful green of his eyes, the way his rosy lips tasted pressed up against mine… the sound of his heart beat. I cradled the memory, letting it soothe me.

" _Here," I told him, placing a pillow on my lap. "Lay your head down and rest." He kicked off his shoes and laid his head back on the pillow, closing his eyes as I read a passage from_ Song of Myself _to him._

_I couldn't stop myself from running my fingers through his hair, the strands soft as silk against my skin. I traced his refined features with my fingertips, memorizing the shape of his cheek bones, the slope of his nose, feeling the twitch of his eyes underneath the delicate skin of his eyelids. I ghosted my fingers across his lips and they parted slightly under my touch, a tiny puff of air escaping, warming my hand. I felt the heat from that small breath travel like lightning through my wrist, up my arm, across my shoulder and into my chest, where it lodged itself securely, dispelling the coldness from my heart._

_Whitman's erotic words slid from my lips and wrapped themselves around Edward's reposing form. I could see them sink into his skin, setting it aflame. His desire flared and I stilled my hand, letting his emotions buffet me like the cresting wave of the ocean. He opened his eyes and I was lost in the passion of his gaze_.

"Hands I have taken, face I have kiss'd, mortal I have ever touch'd, it shall be you," _I recited intently, trying to convey how much he meant to me, how deeply I loved him. Edward reached for my hand and brought it to his lips, kissing the palm, his loving gesture scorching my flesh._

_"It shall be you," I repeated in a whisper, knowing with certainty that there never could be another. He was mine and I was his, just as sure as the sun would rise and set in the sky._

_Edward swallowed and whispered to me, "I'd really like to kiss you now."_

_My heart clenched. "Then kiss me," I responded with a sigh, marveling that this precious boy could want me the way I wanted him. He sat up and lightly placed his lips against mine, barely touching me. It hardly mattered. That gentle touch set my entire body ablaze and I wanted to crush him to me and meld us into one._

_He reached out his hand to trace my features as I had done to his, calling me beautiful. I didn't understand how he could see me that way, as if I were the prize instead of he, but I was grateful for it._

_"You're the beautiful one," I said to him, enraptured by his verdant gaze._

_"Tell me again," he entreated and I could feel the ache, the love, the want. So exquisite. Perfect._

_"I love you, Edward," I whispered and kissed him again_.

I was roused from my memories by loud voices outside the door. I went rigid as I recognized the scent of the new arrivals. My body started to shake and I closed my hands into tight fists, willing myself to stay seated. I felt Esme's alarm and heard her whisper of, "Please, Jasper." She undoubtedly knew how close I was to jeopardizing everything. They may not have inflicted the most damage to my beautiful boy, but they had willingly left him to be violated… to die for all they knew. Why should I not kill them? Why should I not tear their throats out with my razor sharp teeth? Why should I not take them far away and leave them to bleed, afraid and alone?

I heard one of the officers talking to Charlie. "The bartender downtown said they were in with our DOA and another guy earlier in the evening. These two are regulars. They were all causing trouble, harassing some customers, and he threw the four of them out."

"We were just going to rough him up a little," one of the men was saying. "I had no idea Larry was going to go crazy like that, kicking the shit out of the little faggot. That's not what I signed up for. I didn't want any part of that business, so I left." He spoke as if he thought he should be absolved of all wrongdoing. My fury was escalating. I had to stop listening or I was going to snap.

" _Race you up the stairs," he said with a laugh, dashing for the staircase, trying to get a head start. I laughed as I caught him around the waist and we stumbled up the stairs together._

 _"Now who's the cheater?" I asked with a smile, reveling in his laughter, his face so radiant. Glowing. Beautiful. I was... happy_.

"Those two queers practically had their tongues down each other's throats right in the middle of the street. Fucking disgusting. Nobody wants to see that shit. We were just planning to teach him some manners."

_I had been aching to touch him for so long, wanting to worship every inch of his skin, to feel him against my body, long and lean and hard and soft and, oh, so beautiful. I thought back to that day when he traced my scars with his fingers and touched my skin with his lips… his soft supple lips. My body had been warm from the shower before combusting under Edward's tender attentions. I hoped the water would once again disguise the icy nature of my skin. I didn't know how it was possible I had gone so long without touching him, but I knew I could not go a single moment longer._

_We stripped methodically and the air crackled with electricity. His eyes never left mine and I could feel his excitement, his anticipation, his arousal. My fingers twitched, eager to touch him, but I stood there eyeing his body hungrily, letting him take in the strength of my desire as it jutted out from between my legs._

_"Nice," he breathed out, appreciatively and I chuckled at his awed tone, a heady joy beginning to fill me knowing that in just minutes we would finally be naked in each other's arms_.

"We didn't fucking do anything. It was all Larry and Kevin. You should be out looking for Kevin instead of keeping us here. We didn't fucking do anything. Just pushed him around a little and then we left. Larry and Kevin are the ones that fucking beat the kid."

 _We touched and kissed and touched under the spray of the water, our bodies moving together as if they had always known the other, as if they were finally home_.

I _was finally home._

_"Edward, Edward, Edward," I panted in his ear as my hands roamed over his body and my hips ground into his. "You don't know how I've ached to touch you, to feel you like this."_

_"Then touch me. Feel me. I'm yours, Jasper. All yours."_

_Mine._

_I trembled, overwhelmed by the intensity of my hunger, my desire, my love for this beautiful boy_.

My _beautiful boy_.

"Just got word that a fellow with a broken arm showed up in Port Townsend at Jefferson General. We'll be bringing him in for questioning, but it's a pretty good bet he's our fourth guy. We're going to send your boy home until we get all this sorted out, but he's to stay close to home. You go get some sleep; there won't be any decisions made tonight."

The door to the room opened and Esme hurried to my side. I stood up and she wrapped her arms around me, holding me close. "Come with me. Charlie's going to drop us back at the hospital."

I nodded and followed her out of the building to the cruiser. I sat in the back, staring blankly out the window while Charlie and Esme quietly discussed the situation and what Charlie thought the outcome would be.

_We were lying on the couch, our lips swollen from kissing, his groin pressing down into mine, rubbing and rocking, thrusting against each other. I moaned as the sensations sent waves of desire through us both._

_"I'm so in love with you Jasper," he said breathily. "I never knew anything could feel as wonderful as this." He leaned over to kiss me softly on the lips as he ground his hips hard into mine. I groaned loudly into his mouth and reached up to touch his beautiful face, whispering, "I love you too, Edward. So much..." Words would never be enough to convey the depths of my feeling for him._

_"I want you to make love to me," he told me, staring deep into my eyes as he continued to thrust against me. "I want you to be the first man to ever take me. The only one. I want to feel you buried deep inside my body, filling me completely."_

_"Oh, God… Edward," I moaned, closing my eyes tightly and thrashing my head from side to side._

_"I want to be yours completely, in every way."_

_I reached up my hands to grip his shoulders and gently pushed, trying to dislodge him. "You have to stop. You're going to make me come," I gasped out._

_"I want you to, Jasper. I want to watch your face as you come," he told me earnestly and I shivered with desire._

_"I can't," I groaned out. "I can't ever lose control with you. I'm afraid to lose control."_

_I felt a surge of love from him, bright and pure and beautiful "You don't ever have to be afraid with me, Jasper. Let go. I won't let anything hurt you, I promise._ "

I closed my eyes in pain. That's something I should have been able to promise him. What good was I, if even with my unnatural strength and speed I couldn't protect the one I loved above all others?

"Jasper?" Esme's voice cut quietly through my thoughts. I looked up, startled to find we were already here. As we walked down the hall I heard voices arguing in low tones.

"I don't understand why he'd risk everything for a human boy."

"Edward's his mate, Rosalie. That's why." Carlisle's voice was firm.

"His mate?" she repeated, surprised. "That's impossible. He's a human!" I could hear the incredulity in her voice

"Impossible or not, I believe it to be true," Carlisle countered.

They stopped speaking when we entered the room. My eyes went to Carlisle immediately, questioning him.

"He's resting. He's still sedated. His mother is in with him, and Alice."

"Can I see him?" I asked.

He nodded and cocked his head towards the door, motioning for me to follow him.

Edward lay on the hospital bed asleep. He was barely recognizable, his face swollen and covered in bruises. Tubes and wires and machines were everywhere. His mother was curled in a chair next to the bed fast asleep. Alice stood up when I entered the room and came over to wrap her arms around my waist, squeezing me tighty. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, and I felt her tumultuous emotions assailing me—her guilt, her anger, her sorrow, her compassion… her love. I gritted my teeth under the onslaught.

"Can you give me a few minutes alone with him, please?" I asked. She nodded against my chest, squeezing me hard one last time then slipping from the room.

I walked over to the bed and shut my eyes, listening to his breathing, the steady beat of his heart.

" _Edward," I groaned. "Sweet, sweet Edward. My beautiful boy. You don't understand. I'm afraid I'll hurt you." I could never risk losing control around him, never chance the monster breaking free. I was terrified to give myself over to pleasure, afraid that during my climax I would instinctively sink my teeth into his throat, destroying that which I loved more than anything._

_"You could never hurt me, Jasper," he reassured me, staring deep into my eyes. "I know you. You would never, ever hurt me. Let yourself go. I'll be right here, watching over you."_

_He did watch over me. He filled me with his love, his passion, his desire, his trust, his faith. As our bodies moved together and his sure gaze held mine, I believed him. I put my trust in him and gave myself over, putting myself in his hands. I let myself truly believe for the first time that it was possible for me to be his mate. Our mingled emotions coursed through me and I threw back my head as I was propelled to a place of unparalleled pleasure_.

I opened my eyes and the vision of Edward, his face flushed with pleasure, his eyes dark with desire was replaced by his still form, battered and broken and bruised. I wanted to turn back time and tell Edward I couldn't bear to part from him even for the time it would take for him to get the car. I wanted to turn back time and tell him I'd retrieve the car while he ordered the desserts. I wanted to turn back time and answer Alice's call on the first ring.

An eternity before me and a century and a half stretching behind me and the only minutes that mattered were the few that had changed everything. I would give anything for the chance to redo them, anything to go back to those moments when I truly believed. Anything to return to that sweet slice of heaven that had interrupted my endless night.

The scent of blood was still strong in the air, even after drying and turning to rust. Venom pooled in my mouth while my rage burned under the surface, my monstrous self making itself known, telling me any illusions I had that I had conquered my evil nature were just that… illusions.

I had thought there was nothing I could possibly ever do better than loving Edward Masen. I knew now I was wrong; I would always excel at the kill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 13 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/07/chapter-13-deepening-shade.html)


	15. Chapter 14 - All That I Remember

**"Once riding in old Baltimore,  
Heart-filled, head-filled with glee;  
I saw a Baltimorean  
Keep looking straight at me.**

**Now I was eight and very small,  
And he was no whit bigger,  
And so I smiled, but he poked out  
His tongue, and called me, "Nigger."**

**I saw the whole of Baltimore  
From May until December;  
Of all the things that happened there  
That's all that I remember."**

_\- Countée Cullen, "Incident"_

* * *

**Chapter 14 – All That I Remember**

 

EPOV

Everything hurt, and everything was too bright. My head felt like it was going to explode. I tried to sit up and gasped as knives cut through my chest. I lay back down. I tried to move my arm but it was caught on something. I heard the sound of someone stirring next to me, but I didn't want to turn my head to see who it was; it hurt too much to move.

"Edward?" My mom's voice spoke. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah," I answered. God, it even hurt to talk. "Where am I?" I asked. This wasn't my room.

"You're in the hospital, honey. You were attacked. Do you remember?"

Images floated through my mind. Jasper and I at dinner, his beautiful eyes shining as we kissed outside the restaurant. His gorgeous smile. Two men following me, a voice calling, " _What's your hurry, faggot?_ " Rounding the corner and finding two more men waiting. Being shoved to the ground… a fist in my face… pain… Things were fuzzy after that.

"Yeah, I remember." God, I was tired. And my head hurt. A thought suddenly struck me and I tried to sit up again, too fast. I cried out as the knives cut through me once more and my head pounded. A wave of nausea crashed over me and I lay back down in defeat. God, my head hurt. I didn't know it was possible for anything to feel this bad.

"Where's Jasper," I choked out frantically, terrified of what the answer would be.

"Shhh, shhh," my mom's voice soothed me and I felt her fingers squeezing my hand. "Jasper's fine. He wasn't hurt."

Relief rushed through me. Jasper was safe. I lay there trying to piece together what happened, but I could barely concentrate. My head hurt too much.

"My head hurts," I whimpered. I just wanted to go back to sleep and escape from this pain.

"Let me call the nurse."

After a few minutes I heard someone else enter the room and move around. A voice said, "I've increased the dosage for your pain. You should rest now."

"Thank you," I whispered, hoping the drugs would kick in soon.

"Try and go back to sleep, sweetheart. I'll be right here," my mom said.

-o-

"Mom?" I croaked out.

"Yes, honey? I'm right here." She squeezed my hand.

"I'm thirsty."

"Let me get you some water. I'll be right back."

After a few minutes I heard the sound of ice sloshing in a container, then my mom's voice again.

"Can you try and turn your head, honey? You may have to sit up a bit." I felt her beside my head. I turned my head towards her and groaned. God, my head hurt. A straw was at my mouth and I sipped. My lips hurt. The cold water felt good as I swallowed, though.

"Thanks, Mom."

"You're welcome. How are you feeling, honey?" she asked.

"My head hurts," I answered. "A lot."

"Okay, I'll be right back, honey. I'm going to get the nurse."

They returned a few minutes later. I could hear someone messing with the equipment near the bed then something was placed in my hand.

"This is a morphine drip. You can control how much medication you need. Press the button and it will administer a dose. You won't be able to take too much. If you've gone over the allowable dose, it won't administer more until enough time has passed. Hopefully, that will help with your pain."

I pressed the button. Then I pressed it again. And again. I hoped the drugs kicked in soon. Everything hurt.

-o-

"Mom?"

"Right here, honey."

"My head hurts," I said. Everything hurt, but my head felt like it was going to split open.

"Here you go, sweetheart," she said, pressing something into my hand. "It's a morphine drip. Just press the button whenever you need," she explained. "Do you remember the nurse telling you about it?"

It was hard to think. My head hurt. Then I remembered I was in the hospital. I had been attacked. I struggled to sit up. Knives cut through my chest and I cried out.

"Jasper?" I gasped.

My mother made soothing noises and I felt her arm around my shoulder, supporting me.

"Shhh. Lie back down. Jasper's fine, honey. He wasn't hurt."

I relaxed back into the bed. Jasper was safe.

"Do you think you can stay awake for a little bit?" Mom asked. "Dr. Cullen wanted to check on you next time you woke up."

"Yeah, I'm awake," I answered.

"Let me go tell the nurse."

She was back in a few minutes.

I heard Dr. Cullen's voice: "Why don't you go get some coffee or grab something to eat and we can talk afterwards. This won't take too long."

"I'll be back in a little bit, honey," Mom said. "Dr. Cullen's jut going to check on how you're doing."

"Okay," I answered. I heard her leave the room.

"Hi Edward. It's Carlisle Cullen. Can you open your eyes for me?"

I cracked my eyes open slowly. It was so bright, even though the shades were drawn and the light was off. God, my head hurt.

"Now I'm going to shine a light into your eyes to watch your pupils react, okay?"

"Okay." He shone a light into first one eye, then the other. It was really bright.

"Good. Now I'm going to ask you some questions. All right?"

"Yes, okay."

"What's your full name?"

"Edward Anthony Masen."

"How old are you, Edward?"

"Eighteen."

"Where do you live?"

I answered with my address and he continued with a few more simple question, such as my birth day, where I went to school, what year I was in, and so forth. Once those were out of the way, and I assume I had answered satisfactorily, he started asking questions about that night.

"Do you know where you are?" he asked.

"I'm in the hospital."

"That's right. Do you know why you're here?"

" _What's your hurry, faggot?_ "

"I was attacked by some men who followed me to my car."

"Can you tell me what happened? Just whatever you remember. I'm sorry to tell you that you'll have to talk the police later and let them know all the details—when you're feeling up to it of course—but for now, I'm just trying to get an idea of the extent of your head injury. Okay? Take your time."

"Um, Jasper and I had dinner at that Italian restaurant. We were walking back to the car and remembered we were supposed to get desserts for Bella and Alice. Jasper went to get the desserts and I was getting the car. Some men saw us… uh… kissing outside the restaurant..." I was a little embarrassed talking about kissing Jasper to his dad, but I didn't open my eyes to see his reaction. "They followed me and called me a… faggot. Two of them went ahead and were waiting for me. Then they started talking smack and pushing me around, and I tried to run, but they tripped me, then started hitting me…"

I felt detached as I was telling Dr. Cullen what happened. Almost as if it had happened to someone else. I couldn't really remember what happened next.

"I'm sorry. I don't really remember what happened next."

"That's okay. You did great. It's very common to not remember the details of a traumatic event. You may remember more one day, or you might never recall the actual incident. Do you remember anything else after that? Jasper arriving, or the ambulance?"

Jasper had been there? "Jasper was there? He's okay, right? My mom said he was okay."

"Yes, Jasper found you when you didn't return with the car. He wasn't hurt. What's the first thing you remember following the attack?"

"Waking up here. My mom was in the room."

"Okay. You're doing great, Edward. I just have a few more things to go through with you. I'll need you to open your eyes again."

I opened my eyes and winced at the light. He was holding a small spiral bound book with laminated pages.

"I'm going to show you some pictures and I want you to identify them, okay?"

He went through the little book with me, asking me questions from each page. I had to try and remember a series of words. There was some other stuff too with words and numbers and some more pictures. My head was really hurting. I hoped we were almost through.

"Okay, we're almost finished. Do you remember any of the pictures I first showed you from this book?"

I thought for a minute. My head was really killing me. There was a duck, I think. And a table? I couldn't really remember. "Um, a duck, and maybe a table?" I asked.

"Okay, you did great, Edward. You took a pretty hard hit to your head, so I imagine it's going to give you trouble for a while. We can talk about that more once you're feeling a little better. You've got several broken ribs and a broken leg. We had to do surgery on the leg, but there should be no long term issues with it. You're probably going to be in a lot of pain for a while, but overall, I'm pleased with how you're doing." He paused for a minute. "How are you feeling, son?" he asked in a soft voice.

I opened my eyes to look at him. My head hurt too much to try and figure out what his expression meant. "My head really hurts," I told him. "Should it hurt this much?"

"Unfortunately, it may be like that for a while. Do they have the morphine drip set up for you?"

"Yeah, but it just makes me tired. My head still hurts."

"I'm sorry, son. It will get better. It's just going to take some time."

"Okay." My eyes were shut again. "Jasper's really okay?" I asked him, wanting the reassurance again.

He paused. For so long that I opened my eyes again. "Jasper wasn't injured," he finally said. "He's been very worried about you."

"You'll tell him I'm okay, won't you? Can he come visit me?" I really wanted to see him.

"He was here last night. You were asleep."

"Oh. Well, make sure he knows I'm okay." I shut my eyes, not wanting to see Dr. Cullen's face when I said it. "And tell him I love him, please."

"I'll do that," he responded and I could hear the smile in his voice.

I could hear my mom's voice out in the hall.

"I'm going to go update your mother. I'll see you soon, Edward."

"Okay, thank you."

-o-

"Mom?" God, my head hurt. I fumbled for the drip button which I must have dropped while I was sleeping.

"She's gone home for a little bit," a voice said as the mechanism was pressed into my hand. "It's Rosalie."

"Rosalie?" I asked pressing the button. What was Rosalie doing here?

"Yes."

"Where's Jasper? Is he okay?"

"Jasper's fine. Try and go back to sleep."

I pressed the button again. "Okay."

-o-

"Mom?"

"Right here, honey. Do you need anything?"

"I dropped the button thing again."

I heard her moving then I felt it pressed into my hand. "Here you go. How are you feeling, baby?"

My head was killing me. And I ached all over. I felt like shit.

"My head hurts," I said.

"Hey, Edward," a deeper voice said. "It's Dad. How are you doing, kiddo?"

I opened my eyes. "Hi Dad."

He looked like shit. Had he been crying? I don't know if I had ever seen my dad cry before. I must look pretty bad.

"I'll be okay, Dad. Dr. Cullen said so," I reassured him.

"Of course you…" he started to say, then his voice got all tight and he turned his back to me. His shoulders were tense and his hands were in fists at his sides. My mom went over to him and held his arm with one hand, rubbing his back with the other.

"Maybe you can to get me some coffee from the cafeteria, Ed?" she asked him.

He nodded, leaving the room without speaking again.

After a few minutes I heard his angry voice out in the hall. I could only make out bits and pieces of what he was saying.

" _…haven't been arrested...my son…bullshit and you know it…my kid in the hospital…my son's boyfriend…fucking do something...animals who attacked him…don't give a fuck…_ "

"What's going on Mom?" I asked. "Who's he talking to? What's he saying about Jasper?"

"Shhhh," she said. "Don't worry about it right now. He's just upset. The police haven't pressed charges against the men who hurt you yet, but they will; I'm sure. Your dad's feeling a little helpless right now."

"Oh." I hadn't really given much thought to anything so far. Except my head. Which hurt. A lot. I didn't really want to think about the men who attacked me right now.

" _What's your hurry, faggot?_ "

"Do you think Jasper could come visit me?" I asked.

"I'll check with his parents."

"Okay. Thanks." I pressed the button again. I hoped the drugs would kick in soon.

-o-

"Mom?" I cracked my eyes open then shut them again. It looked like it was night time.

"We sent her home to get some sleep. It's Rosalie."

"Rosalie? What are you doing here?"

I heard someone entering the room just as I spoke. "Oh my God. Are we really going to have this entire conversation again? Can I have a head injury too?" I recognized that voice. God, he was loud.

"Hey, Emmett. What do you mean?"

"You asked her the exact same question the last time you woke up. And the time before. And the time before." He was laughing.

"I did? Are you sure?"

"Yes, Edward. I'm quite sure."

"Oh." Was he serious? I didn't remember that at all. I guess my head really was kind of fucked up. No wonder it hurt so fucking much.

"Well, what are you doing here, Rosalie?" I vaguely remembered her being here before, now that I thought about it.

"Your mom needed to go home and get some sleep and take care of a few things. I offered to stay with you while she was gone."

"But why?" I blurted out. "You don't even like me." God, I had no filter.

"Because Jasper does, and he's my brother. And if you're important to Jasper, you're important to me."

I wasn't expecting that answer.

"How is Jasper? Do you think he can come visit me?"

"I'm sure he'd like to. But in the meantime, we promised him one of us would stay with you, so you wouldn't have to be alone while you're in here."

"Oh." I thought about that for a few minutes. Maybe Rosalie wasn't so bad, after all.

"Thanks, Rosalie."

"You're welcome."

-o-

"Mom?"

"I'm right here, honey?"

"When can I go home?"

"Probably in another day or two. How are you feeling?"

"Okay, I guess. My head hurts."

"Are you up for talking to the police? They've been waiting to talk to you about what happened."

"Yeah, I guess. Might as well get it over with."

"Okay, I'll let them know." She paused and then asked in a soft voice, "Do you want to talk about it with me first, honey?"

" _What your hurry, faggot?_ "

I didn't want to talk about it all. I didn't even want to think about it. "No, not really."

"Okay, honey. I love you. You know I'm here anytime you want to talk."

"Yeah, I know. I love you too."

"Let me go call the police station and let the detective know it's all right to come by later."

She left for a few minutes then came back to sit by my bed again.

"Did you find out when Jasper could come visit?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, honey." She paused then took my hand as she started speaking again. "I know you said you didn't want to talk about it, but before the police get here, I think there's something you need to know. About Jasper..."

"What? What's wrong?" I asked in alarm. I tried to sit up. Knives cut through my chest and I gasped as I lay back down. "You said he wasn't hurt. He's all right, isn't he?"

"Yes, he's fine, honey. But…one of the men who attacked you isn't. Jasper found him trying to…" she stopped speaking and her hand gripped mine tightly. I looked at her and found her eyes tightly shut, a pained expression on her face.

"Mom?" I asked hesitantly.

"I'm sorry, honey. I need a minute." She let go of my hand and stood up to take a tissue from a box on a nearby table. She dabbed her eyes and blew her nose then came back to sit next to me.

She cleared her throat and started speaking again. "Jasper found one of the men attempting to rape you." Her voice was steady and held a matter of fact tone. "They fought and the man was killed. The police were holding Jasper for questioning, but he was able to go home with his parents until they decide what to do. They may bring charges against him, although Charlie Swan thinks there's a good possibility that won't happen. You boys were only defending yourselves, after all."

I was stunned. This was a lot to try to take in and understand. God, my head hurt. "Did the man…" I began hesitantly.

"Oh, no honey. No. Jasper got there in time. Your father and I are very grateful to Jasper, for stopping him and for getting help for you so quickly. Your lung was punctured and you could have…" Her voice broke again and I shut my eyes. I hated seeing my mom cry. She cleared her throat. "You could have died without such fast medical intervention."

"Is that why the police want to talk to me? They want to ask me about Jasper? Because I don't remember anything at all about that."

"I don't think so. I think they're trying to decide on charges for the men who attacked you. Your father has been on the phone with the mayor—you know they're friends—to see if there's anything he can do for Jasper. And Charlie's doing what he can to help. Try not to worry about that right now. Just tell them what you remember. I'm sure everything's going to work out fine."

"But Jasper could go to jail, couldn't he?"

She paused again. "Yes, honey, he could. But no one thinks that's going to happen. Let us worry about that for now. You just concentrate on getting well, okay baby?"

As if I could stop worrying, now that I knew more about what was going on. Jasper must be feeling awful about what had happened. He was always so hard on himself and this… this was beyond anything I could imagine having to deal with. I wished I could talk to him.

"Will you still ask his parents if he can come visit me? Please?" I needed to see that he was okay.

"Of course, sweetie. I'll ask them. Why don't you try and rest until the police get here."

"Okay." I said, squeezing the button on my drip. I had a feeling I wouldn't be falling asleep from it this time.

-o-

Someone was gently shaking me. "Edward? Can you wake up, honey?"

"Mom?"

"The police are here to talk to you about what happened. Are you awake enough?"

I opened my eyes. God, the room was bright. My head hurt. "Yeah, I'm awake."

"Okay, I'll be right back."

The door opened and my mom came back into the room with a police officer. "Hi Edward, I'm Detective Stevens. I'm here to ask you a few questions about the other night."

" _What's your hurry, faggot?_ "

"Honey, I'm just going to be waiting outside. Officer Stevens will come get me when he's done talking to you, okay?"

"Okay, Mom."

"I love you, honey."

"I love you too."

"I'm going to be recording our conversation, if that's okay with you, Edward."

"Um, sure."

He spoke into the recorder for a minute then addressed me again.

"Please state your full name."

"Edward Anthony Masen."

From there he went on to ask me to describe the events of the evening and I told him everything I could remember. He asked many follow-up questions, about the time, what exactly they had said to me, if I could describe what any of the men looked like or if I had caught their names. I had pretty good recall of everything up until they started hitting me, but going over it all was exhausting.

After he was finished and putting his things away getting ready to leave, I couldn't stop myself from asking, "What's going to happen to Jasper?"

"That still has to be determined." He continued, "I'm sure you're going to have a lot of questions as things progress. There will be a representative from the victim's assistance program getting in touch with you who will help you stay informed about what's going on with the case. You've been a big help today. I'm going to leave my card with my direct number in case you remember anything else you think may be important."

He stood up and placed his card on the table next to the bed then, for a minute, dropped his businesslike attitude. "You take care of yourself and feel better, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

"I'm just going to let your mother know we're through here. Good bye, Edward. Thanks again for all your help."

"You're welcome."

My mom came back into the room a few minutes later. "Hey, honey. He said you did a really great job. You gave him a lot of details that will be very helpful with their case against those men. I'm really proud of you."

"That's good. I'm going to go back to sleep now, okay?" I didn't want to think about it anymore. Didn't want to remember what they had said to me, or done to me, or tried to do to me. I didn't want to think about what Jasper did, or what might happen to him because of it. I wanted it to all disappear and for me to wake up in my own bed and for none of this to have happened. My head hurt.

And I really wanted Jasper.

"Do you think Jasper could maybe come visit me soon?" I asked her.

"I'll check with his parents, okay honey?"

"Okay. Thanks."

-o-

"Mom?"

"It's Alice. How are you feeling, Edward?"

"Alice? Is Jasper with you?"

"No, he's not. It's just me."

"Oh. Well… hi."

She gave a small laugh. "Hi, Edward."

"Do you know when Jasper's coming to visit?"

"I don't. I'm sorry."

"Okay. Tell him I… really miss him." I felt like crying. My head hurt. Everything hurt. And everything was too bright, and too loud, and I wanted to go home.

And I really missed Jasper.

"I'll tell him. I promise."

"Thanks, Alice."

After a few minutes I asked, "Is he okay?" How could he be, really? I wished I could see him.

She didn't answer right away. Then she said, "He really misses you too."

"He does?" I felt like crying again.

"Yes. He does."

"Make sure you tell him I love him, okay?"

"I'll tell him. I promise."

"Thanks, Alice."

-o-

The next time I woke up I heard my dad's angry voice out in the hall again.

" _…know I asked you to do something, but I didn't mean…outed him to the entire fucking world…boys are still in high school…your own fucking political agenda…don't tell me to calm down…in the hospital while those animals…can't deal with this right now…_ "

His ranting suddenly stopped. A few minutes later my mom came into my room.

"What's going on, Mom? Why is Dad so upset?"

"There was a newspaper article about the attack."

"What did it say?"

"I don't think you need to worry about that right now. You should be focusing on getting better. The doctors say you can probably go home soon."

"Dad seemed pretty upset."

"He is. We can talk about it later. Why don't you rest now, okay?"

"You'll tell me, though, right? Is it Jasper? Did they decide anything?"

"No, they haven't made a decision about Jasper yet."

"When is he coming to visit me?

"I don't know, honey. That's up to the Cullens."

"Can you get Dr. Cullen for me? So I can ask him?"

"I'll let him know you want to see him. He'll probably be by anyway to see how you're doing."

My head hurt. Why wasn't anyone telling me anything? Were they lying about Jasper? I really wanted to see him. I missed him.

A lot.

-o-

I opened my eyes to find Bella sitting in the chair my mom usually occupied, reading the newspaper.

"Hey Bella."

Her head jerked up. "Edward! You're awake!" She quickly put the newspaper down then stood up to stand close to the bed. She took my hand and gave it a squeeze.

"How are you doing?"

"I've been better."

"Not gonna lie; you've looked better too."

I laughed, then winced at the daggers that shot through my chest.

"No doubt."

"So how are you, really?" she asked in a more serious tone.

"Pretty fucked up. My head feels like it's going to split open. But everyone says I'll be all right eventually."

"Good. That's good." She sounded relieved. Then she clarified: "The eventually part. Not the fucked up part."

"Yeah, I figured."

"Did you see the paper?"

"No, but I know there's some article about everything. Nobody will tell me what's in it."

"Do you want me to read it to you?"

"You've got it?"

"Yeah, I've got it."

"Yes, please read it to me. Don't let my mom see it, though. She doesn't want me to worry, whatever it is."

"Okay. You're sure? It will probably upset you."

" _What's your hurry, faggot?_ "

"I'm already fucking upset. I'm in the hospital after being beaten for being a faggot, aren't I? And my boyfriend might be thrown in jail for killing my would-be rapist. Yes, I'm fucking sure." I practically spat the words at her.

She looked at me with a shocked expression.

"Jesus, I'm sorry, Bella." I felt like crying. "I told you I was fucked up." I tried to lift my hands to rub them over my face, but they were still attached to all kinds of tubes. I wanted to rip them out and throw them across the room. My emotions were all over the place.

I tried to calm down, knowing I was probably scaring Bella. I really did want to know what was in the paper. I wished Jasper was here.

"I'm sorry," I repeated. "Will you please read it to me?" I asked in a more controlled tone.

"Okay." She agreed, picking the newspaper up off the chair as she sat down again.

" _The community of Port Angeles was stunned this past weekend when two young men were brutally attacked. Edward Masen and his boyfriend Jasper Whitlock had just finished dinner at Bella Italia…_ " she began.

"Did you like the restaurant?" she asked, interrupting her reading.

I guessed she was trying to distract me from the fact that the newspaper had just outed me and Jasper to the entire fucking world. I now understood a little bit of what my Dad had been ranting about earlier.

"So everybody knows, I guess."

"Yeah. Everyone at school would have known anyway. Jessica was with us at the movies when Alice talked to Jasper, after all." She gave a little laugh. I loved Jessica to death, but she certainly could talk.

"Yeah, okay."

"Do you want me to continue?"

"Yeah."

The article went on to describe the increase in hate crimes in the Pacific Northwest over the past ten years and the steps the legislature had taken to combat it. There was a brief description of the attack and then information about my "alleged" attackers, including the arrest history and background of the man who tried to rape me. There were quotations from the mayor who had been interviewed for the article, emphasizing how hard he had worked to make Port Angeles a safe community with a thriving tourist business and that he'd be working with law enforcement to make sure those responsible were prosecuted to the full extent of the law, that he had a zero tolerance for hate crimes in his community.

There was more information about me and Jasper, sons of "prominent business man, Edward Masen and respected surgeon, Carlisle Cullen." It talked about how long Jasper and I had been dating, our extracurricular activities, where we had applied to college, and even our grade point averages. Jesus. The article went on to list the extent of my injuries and the fact that Jasper was being investigated for the death of my attacker, citing outrage from the mayor that these "poor boys were being further punished for having defended themselves against someone who clearly intended to seriously harm them, or even kill them." How he intended to do everything he could to make sure that the right kind of justice prevailed. It wrapped up with some stuff from the Anti-Defamation League and some community resources.

Bella put the paper down when she was finished and looked at me.

I didn't really know what to say. That was a lot to take in. I felt violated, like my whole life was on display for everyone, and angry and I didn't know what else. I wished Jasper was here.

"That stuff from the mayor. My dad was really pissed about it. I could hear him yelling in the hall."

"Yeah, I can see that. But…it could probably really help Jasper. My dad says that if the prosecutor's office thinks public opinion is behind it being self defense, they won't press charges because they wouldn't get a conviction anyway."

"That makes sense." I guess I could put aside my anger at the article if it actually kept Jasper from going to jail. "Have you seen Jasper? Do you know how he's doing?"

"No, I haven't seen him. But I've talked to Alice about him. He's… not doing so great."

My heart sunk.

"It's been really hard on him. She says he feels guilty that he didn't protect you, and, you know…he killed someone. Even though that guy was complete scum, that's… a lot to deal with. Alice said it was bringing up a lot of stuff from his past and he's having a really hard time with it."

I could feel my eyes starting to burn and my throat tightening up. Bella looked at me and her eyes started tearing up too. She stood up and took my hand and just held it. Tears started to slide down her cheeks.

After a few minutes, she said, "I'm really glad you're going to be okay, Edward."

I squeezed her hand. "Thanks, Bella."

-o-

I woke up later and found Mom sitting by the bed again.

"Hey, honey. How's your head?"

"It hurts."

"Do you want me to get the nurse?"

"No, that's okay."

"We've got some good news, sweetheart. The police have finished their investigation and they've decided not to press any charges against Jasper. The men who attacked you have all been arrested and formally charged."

"That's good." I felt a huge swell of relief. "Do you think Jasper can come see me now?" I asked.

"Dr. Cullen's going to be by a little later to check on you and see if you can go home tomorrow, okay, baby? You can ask him then."

"Okay."

"Mike called. He wants to come by to see you later if you're up for it. Can you handle another visitor today?"

"Yeah, sure." I felt guilty that the visitor I wanted was Jasper, not Mike. I wasn't really sure I was up to facing Mike, but I guess I had to get it over with sooner or later.

-o-

"Hi Edward, how are you feeling today?" Dr. Cullen asked.

"My head really hurts. Is it supposed to hurt this much for so long?"

"It's not unusual, unfortunately. We'll give you some medication for the pain to take home with you. It's probably going to be several weeks before we can assess what kinds of issues we might be dealing with from the head injury. I'm going to refer you to a neurologist for follow up."

He looked through a file for a minute. "Do you remember us talking about your injuries when we spoke the other day?"

"Um, sort of?"

"I'm going to take a few minutes and explain your injuries to you again, the treatment we've done and what you can expect next."

"Okay. Thanks."

I listened as best as I could with my head pounding as he went over everything with me again. It sounded like baseball was going to be a no go for me this season. And I'd be out of school for a while still. And my brain was fucked up. When he was finished talking, I asked him about what I was really interested in knowing.

"Dr. Cullen, now that Jasper's been cleared, do you think he could come visit me?"

"I'll let him know you'd like to see him, Edward. That's the best I can do. He's having a pretty tough time with the situation and I need to let him work through things in his own way."

"Did…" I paused. I was a little thrown off realizing that the Cullens weren't stopping Jasper from seeing me. That it was his own decision. "Did you give him my message?"

Dr. Cullen smile. "Yes, I gave him your message. I know he appreciated hearing it. You might not remember me telling you this, but he came to see you the first night you were here, while you were still asleep."

"He did?"

"Yes. He did."

"Oh." I felt a little better hearing that. "Would you please tell him that I'd really like to see him? While I'm awake this time"

"I'll tell him, Edward," he said, smiling.

"Thank you."

-o-

I opened my eyes and saw Mike standing in the doorway, as if he were unsure whether he should come in.

"Hey, Mike," I said. "My mom told me you'd be coming by."

"Yeah," he said, walking over to the bed. "Whoa. Bella warned me, but you look like shit, dude."

"You should see the other guy," I joked, then grimaced, remembering just what happened to the other guy.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. There was a long silence as neither of us spoke. So it was going to be like this now, was it?

"So I'm guessing you read the paper," I finally said.

He cleared his throat again. "Yeah." He wouldn't look me in the eye. I felt sad.

"I'm still me, Mike," I said softly, determined I wasn't going to cry again.

"I don't even know who that is anymore." He sounded bitter.

I didn't know how to respond to that. God, my head hurt.

"So…you and Jasper?"

"Yeah."

He shifted from foot to foot by my bed, still refusing to look at me. It really hurt.

"I'm sorry that you're uncomfortable about me being gay," I finally said when the silence stretched on too long.

That got his attention. His eyes snapped to mine.

"You think I'm upset because you're gay?" he asked.

"Well… yeah?" He wasn't?

"I'm not upset you're gay; I'm upset that you never told me! I thought you were my best friend." Now he looked like he was going to cry. "Jesus. Bella knew. And Alice knew. And obviously Jasper knew. But you thought you couldn't tell me? Didn't you trust me?"

I could see how hurt he was and I felt terrible. I guess I really hadn't trusted him, although a lot of it was because of the feelings I had had for him for so long.

"It wasn't like that, Mike," I began. "I… couldn't tell you."

"Why not?"

Now I cleared my throat in discomfort.

"I just couldn't."

"That's not good enough."

"Well, it's going to have to be."

"Screw you, Eddie. I'm sorry you're hurt and I'm sorry for what happened, but that's just not good enough. You were my best friend…" his voice broke and he stopped speaking. I felt sick to my stomach when I registered his use of the past tense.

We were both silent again and atmosphere in the room was tense. I felt awful. After a few minutes Mike said, "Well, I guess I'm going to take off. I hope you feel better, Eddie."

He was back to not looking at me and even with my fucked up head I knew that I had to fucking fix this or I was going to lose Mike.

As he turned and was walking out the door I blurted out, "I couldn't tell you because I had a crush on you, okay? Are you happy now?"

He stopped dead in his tracks and a big smile broke out over his face. He turned back around and walked over the bed, not avoiding my eyes anymore.

"Oh, so you had a crush on me, did you?" he was grinning that stupid big Mike grin.

I rolled my eyes then resolved not to do that again any time soon. That fucking hurt my head. "Yes, I had a fucking crush on you." I knew it was going to be a long time before I lived this one down.

"Wait, but you're over it now, right? Cause you and Jasper are together, right?"

"Yes, I'm over it," I snapped. "And right now, it's hard for me to believe I ever had a crush on you in the first place."

"Aw, don't be like that Eddie. Anyone can see you have awesome taste in guys."

"Screw you, Mike," I sneered.

"Oh, so you're not over it?"

I knew we were going to be okay.

-o-

I had fallen asleep again after Mike left. It had been an exhausting day with so many visitors and too much to think about.

I woke to the feel of cool lips on my forehead. I breathed in that unmistakable delicious scent as my eyes fluttered open. Gorgeous golden eyes met mine.

"You're here," I sighed.

"I'm here," Jasper answered softly.

"I really missed you."

"I missed you too."

My eyes struggled to stay open. I wanted to drink in the sight of him, but I was so fucking tired. And my head hurt.

"Go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

"You promise?" I asked. My eyes drifted closed again.

"I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 14 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/07/chapter-14-all-that-i-remember.html)


	16. Chapter 15 - The Savage Blood's Obscenity

**"Indelicate is he who loathes  
The aspect of his fleshy clothes, -  
The flying fabric stitched on bone,  
The vesture of the skeleton,  
The garment neither fur nor hair,  
The cloak of evil and despair,  
The veil long violated by  
Caresses of the hand and eye.  
Yet such is my unseemliness:  
I hate my epidermal dress,  
The savage blood's obscenity,  
The rags of my anatomy,  
And willingly would I dispense  
With false accouterments of sense,  
To sleep immodestly, a most  
Incarnadine and carnal ghost."**

_\- Theodore Roethke, "Epidermal Macabre"_

* * *

**Chapter 15 - The Savage Blood's Obscenity**

 

JPOV

Alice cornered me before I had barely exited Edward's hospital room. "You're leaving?" she asked, and if it were possible, her eyes would be full of tears.

"Nothing's been decided yet," I said, but I could tell she didn't believe me, knowing how her gift worked.

I was unable to meet her eyes, already overwhelmed by emotion—my own tumultuous feelings; the anger and helplessness, the love and protectiveness radiating from Edward's mom. I had sensed her starting to stir from her sleep and I wanted to leave the room before she awoke completely; I couldn't face her right now. And now Alice's distress. I needed to get away. I couldn't be here any more. It was too much.

"I have to go. Will you…" I shut my eyes in pain as my voice trembled. "Will you stay with him? Or ask one of the others to? I…" my voice wavered again. "I don't want him to be alone." I had to get out of here.

I could feel Alice starting to panic. "Where are you going?"

I didn't answer.

"Jasper? Are you leaving? Tell me."

"I can't be here right now. I need to think."

"You're coming back though? You're not leaving today, are you?" She was wringing her hands.

"Yes, I'm coming back," I told her and her hands stilled as I felt her relief. "The police are still investigating."

"You'll stay with him?" I asked again.

"Of course."

-o-

I ran as if I could somehow escape my own skin. I had no conscious destination in mind, but eventually I found myself at the edge of the meadow where Edward and I had spent an afternoon together, one day in another lifetime.

The crush of despair hit me full on and I collapsed to my knees.

I couldn't get the images out of my head: Edward lying crumpled on the ground, that vermin poised over him; the ease with which I had snapped its neck; and most vivid, Edward in the hospital, wan and still, monitored by machinery and covered in bruises. Absolutely everything had changed in an instant.

I mourned for all I had lost, all that would never be.

It was here, in this meadow, where I had first tried to tell Edward what a monster I was. As always, he refused to believe me. Even tonight, as he lay broken on the ground, his eyes failed to condemn as my evil nature was stripped of its disguise. His pure heart could never imagine the horrors of my past, the horrors I was obviously still capable of. He saw someone who didn't exist.

For a short moment in time, I had been happy. I had been ensnared by his love, his tender devotion like silken fibers, stealing over me so subtly I barely noticed as they wrapped around me, tightening slowly, pulling me closer and closer until I was completely captive. I was a willing prisoner.

I had let myself believe. I had dreamed of a future that seemed ludicrous after the events of this evening—two boys off at college, one human, one vampire, their love conquering all obstacles. How had I been so foolish to think such a scenario was possible?

I knew it was because I had never wanted anything more in my entire existence than Edward Masen. My desire blinded me to the cruel reality.

Now reality had brought me to my knees. I knew what had to be done; I only wondered how on earth I would find the strength to do it.

-o-

I returned to the hospital; I couldn't stop myself from heading towards Edward's room and standing outside the door, listening to the steady beat of his heart. It was a sound that had never failed to soothe me, until now. Now each beat seemed to count down the time I had left with him, his pulse the chronometer to my eternal heartache.

The door cracked open and Alice slid out into the hall with me.

"His mother is still with him," she informed me, and I nodded in appreciation.

"Are you really going to be leaving me?" she asked next, and I almost fell to my knees again under the weight of her sorrow.

I couldn't answer, but it didn't matter; she already knew. She threw herself at me and wrapped her arms tightly around my waist, as if her tiny form could constrain me. Her face was buried in my chest, and I could feel her trembling like a hummingbird against my body.

"What will I do without you, Jasper? You're my family."

I tightened my arms around her and leaned over to press my face against the top of her head. When I was able to speak, I told her, "You'll always be my family. Always. We'll just have to be a family from a little distance for a while."

"Can't I come with you?" she asked, and I longed to say yes, but I knew how happy she had been living with the Cullens, having parents and siblings and school friends. I knew she would follow me in an instant if I asked, just as I would for her, but I had already been selfish enough.

"No, you can't come with me. What would Esme and Bella do without you?" I paused, taking a deep breath and steeling myself before adding, "And I need you to look out for Edward after I'm gone. He'll need his friends." I had said it out loud. Now it was real.

I slid to the floor, my back against the wall. Alice followed me to the ground and curled up in my lap, like a little kitten. If it were not for her I might have shattered in a million pieces.

"When are you leaving?"

"Soon. When the investigation is over."

"Promise me you won't leave without saying goodbye."

"I would never leave without saying goodbye," I assured her. We sat there, unmoving, her head against my shoulder and our arms around each other.

Carlisle found us like that when he came to check on Edward. Alice climbed out of my lap and we stood to speak to him. She looked at me questioningly and I gave a small shake of my head no. I wasn't ready to discuss my decision with Carlisle. I knew he would try and talk me out of it, and I wasn't up for that conversation yet.

"He's still asleep," I told him.

"All right. I've asked the nurse to let me know the next time he wakes up, so I can assess the head injury." He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "How are you holding up, son?"

"I'll be fine." He looked at me as if he didn't believe me. What could he say, though? What was done, was done.

"There's a good likelihood Edward won't remember the attack; however, he might. I need to ask: do you want to be with me in the room when I speak to him?"

I really hadn't considered that Edward wouldn't remember the attack, although it should have been an obvious conclusion. I may not have had a medical degree but I was aware that traumatic brain injuries often caused some degree of retrograde amnesia.

I hoped that was the case. It would simplify my departure significantly and reduce the risk of his involvement with me. But what if he did remember? What if he remembered my deadly actions, remembered seeing my true face revealed, and no longer looked at me with love, but with the horror I deserved? I didn't think I could live for the remainder of eternity with such a memory fixed permanently in my mind.

"No. I don't want to be there when you speak with him."

He didn't question my decision. "Okay. I'll let you know how it goes."

I nodded then shut my eyes. I was so tired.

"Why don't you go home, son? We'll take care of him. It's going to be okay."

Nothing was ever going to be okay again, but I just nodded. Carlisle pulled me into a hug, saying, "I love you."

I couldn't speak.

Alice took my hand and gave it a tight squeeze. "I'll stay here and watch over him for you. For as long as you need." I squeezed back, understanding what she meant. I hoped she knew how much it meant to me.

I did go home. The urge to run was strong, but I couldn't leave just yet. Not without knowing Edward was really going to be okay, and not without knowing the outcome of the police investigation. I wouldn't put the others through more trouble because of me. I wandered aimlessly throughout the house, trying to find something to keep my mind distracted, but everything reminded me of Edward. Everything.

I had no idea how I was going to survive without him.

-o-

The next time I visited the hospital, Rosalie met me outside his room. Carlisle had confirmed that Edward had no memory of my actions during the attack, yet I still couldn't bring myself to see him again.

"How is he?" I asked.

"He asked for you," she said.

I looked away. After a moment I said, "Don't let him know I was here."

"Why are you here?"

I was here because I couldn't stay away. I needed to hear the sound of his heart beat.

Rosalie was irritated by my silence. "Why don't you want him to know you were here?" she persisted.

"If he knows I was here, he'll want to know why I didn't visit him."

"I want to know why you haven't visited him. You were the first thing he asked about when he woke up. He was worried if you were okay."

I turned my face to study Rosalie. She was angry with me. Her reaction was unexpected. She had always disapproved of my relationship with Edward.

"Don't look at me like that," she snapped. "Carlisle says he's your mate. If he's your mate, he's family."

Her voice changed… softened. Her eyes became unfocused. "And he's been through a terrible ordeal. Terrible. Outnumbered… defenseless… it could have been so much worse…."

She was silent for a moment and I knew she was lost in memories.

Her attention focused back on me, and she was once again in the present. "He was lucky you were there. You saved him." Her eyes burned into mine when I didn't respond.

"Alice tells me you're leaving."

"I am."

"She's very upset."

"I know."

"He needs you."

My stomach clenched. I needed him. Somehow, I had to find the strength. I couldn't speak.

After another minute of silence she shook her head, saying, "God, what you must think of me."

I was puzzled and it showed on my face.

"I know what you're thinking, Jasper. Why you want to leave. Do you really think you were the monster in that scenario?" She already knew my answer. "Because I can tell you, you weren't. _He_ was the monster. He deserved to die." Her expression was cold.

"I don't regret what I did. I have no remorse. They deserved to die for what they did to me, just as he deserved it. You are _not_ the monster here."

It was useless to discuss it. I had already made my decision.

I could not, however, let her believe I thought her a monster. We were rarely physically affectionate with each other, but I knew how deeply her emotions ran. She was fiercely passionate about those for whom she cared. I reached over and pulled her into my arms, hugging her tightly and kissing the top of her head.

"Thank you, Rosalie," I whispered into her hair. We held each other for a few moments then I pulled back to look at her face. In many ways Rosalie was the strongest of us all; her strength was her true beauty.

"You'll look out for Alice for me?" I asked.

She nodded her head. "I wish you'd talk to Carlisle."

"I will," I told her. "Soon." I wasn't ready quite yet.

"I'm going back in to sit with him. Are you staying or leaving?" she asked.

"I'm… not sure." The urge to run warred with my need to stay closer.

She sighed. "I'll look for you later, and if you're not here, I'll call and let you know how he's doing."

"Thank you," I said as she reached to open the door. I shut my eyes, so I wouldn't catch a glimpse of Edward before I was ready. I knew the next time I saw him I would be saying goodbye.

-o-

The next several days were more of the same. I found myself haunting the hospital corridors at all hours, desperate for the comfort of his presence, even if I had yet to go back into the room. I did what I could to ease his pain. Each time he asked for me, I felt my heart break anew, but I couldn't face him. I would never be able to hide my intentions. I would never be able to look into those leafy green eyes without revealing my utter devastation and complete ruin.

When I wasn't at the hospital, I would wander restlessly through the house, or I would run, finding myself at the meadow, time and time again. I replayed our every interaction over and over in my mind, losing myself to memory and forgetting, for a time, what was soon to come.

The investigation was still in progress and I welcomed the delay in the decision as it prolonged the day when I was plunged back into darkness. For now I felt as though I lived in shadow, desperately holding onto the fading daylight as twilight descended and nighttime approached. For a time I had basked in sunshine, the radiance of his smile heating my cold interior, melting my icy core.

I felt like I would never be warm again.

Carlisle finally confronted me.

"I'm leaving as soon as the investigation is concluded," I told him. "Whichever way it goes."

"But why, son?" he questioned.

"If I'm charged in the death, it should be obvious. I can't be taken into custody and risk exposure of us all. I would have to leave."

"No, I understand that, of course, but no one thinks that's what the outcome will be. Charlie's almost certain there will be no charges filed. Why would you leave?"

"I'm leaving to protect Edward." Wasn't it obvious?

"You have protected Edward, son. You're the reason he's still with us."

I felt a spike of irrational anger. "You don't understand!" I practically shouted.

"Then make me understand, Jasper," he responded patiently.

"I'm a monster," I began. "I am," I insisted when I saw him move as if to disagree. "My first instinct was to go for the kill. I didn't even hesitate. I fooled myself into thinking I had overcome my evil nature, but it was just under the surface, waiting for an opportunity."

"Edward is your mate. Circumstances are important here. I'm certain any of us would have responded the same way."

I shook my head in disagreement. "You have no idea how crazed the blood was making me. I thought I would go mad. When Emmett took me hunting, I was so in thrall to my rage and my blood lust that I almost attacked him. Did he tell you that? Did he tell you how I almost killed my own brother?"

"I'm aware of what happened, yes," he said calmly.

"Then you should understand why I can't be around Edward anymore. I can't risk him getting hurt because of me."

"He's your mate," Carlisle said softly. "Can you really leave him?"

"I have to," I whispered.

"He loves you."

"He shouldn't."

"But he does. Would you please give it some time? Think it through a little more. Wait until things have settled down before you take such a drastic step. Please?" he entreated.

"I have thought it through, Carlisle," I insisted. "More time isn't going to change what I am. He's young; he'll get over it, eventually, and he'll find someone more appropriate, someone human." I was in agony even thinking about the possibility of someone else by Edward's side.

"I don't think you're looking at things clearly. I don't believe you would ever harm Edward; you love him too much."

He held up his hand to stop me when I tried to interrupt him.

"No, listen, please. Your mate was attacked right in front of you. There was blood everywhere. If there ever was a time when you were going to lose control, it was right then. Yet you didn't."

"I killed a man. I snapped his neck without a second thought," I protested angrily.

"You protected your mate, Jasper. You stayed with Edward until the paramedics arrived, even though he was covered in blood. I think you underestimate your strength."

It didn't matter what he said; I knew the truth.

"Son," he said in a softer voice, "I took an oath to preserve life, and yet I cannot say that in the same circumstance, if it were Esme under attack, I would have reacted otherwise. I don't mean to minimize the seriousness of your actions or sound cavalier about the loss of a life. All life is sacred, even that of such grievously flawed individuals. But keep in mind that even human laws take into account such things as mitigating circumstances." He paused to squeeze my shoulder. "I think we'll see the human judgment weighing in your favor here."

"I'm sorry, Carlisle," I said in a pained voice. "I've already made my decision."

He sighed heavily, acknowledging defeat. "Where will you go?"

"I'm not sure," I admitted.

"I'd like you to consider staying in Alaska with our extended family. You were alone a long time, but there's no need for that anymore. You have a family now, who love you and want to see you happy. You will always be a part of this family, Jasper. And I know Alice would take comfort knowing you weren't alone."

I wasn't sure I should be inflicting my misery on anyone else, but his words stirred something inside of me. "I'll consider it."

-o-

Carlisle was right; there were no charges to be filed against me for my murderous actions. A newspaper article had been instrumental in the outcome and I was grateful for its existence. Not because it had helped me avoid prosecution, but because it gave me easy excuses to justify my departure.

Now that the investigation was over, the time had come. Carlisle had been in touch with the three sister vampires in Alaska, a small coven he and the others had lived with in the past, and arranged for me to stay with them. I didn't care where I went; I was numb, having grown more despondent as the reality of leaving Edward began to sink in.

I stood outside his hospital room door, counting the beats of his heart, as if there were some magical number that would tell me when I should enter. I was so lost in the rhythm, feeling it wash over me, and fill me, until my empty spaces were bursting from completion, that I was surprised by Edward's mother as she exited his room.

"Oh! Jasper," she said, slightly breathless. "You surprised me."

"I apologize, ma'am," I responded.

"No, no. I'm so glad to see you. Are you here to visit Edward?" she asked. "He's been asking about you. Every day."

I shut my eyes. "I'm here to say goodbye," I told her.

"Goodbye? Jasper, what's going on?" she was shaken.

"I can't stay, Mrs. Masen. The whole area has read about what happened, what I've done. I can't go back to Forks High and pretend that nothing's changed. Everyone staring at me, and whispering about me, looking at me like I'm a monster." I gave a small shake of my head and looked her in the eyes. "And they'd be right; I am a monster."

"No, you're wrong. You're a hero, Jasper," Elizabeth replied. "Ed and I are so grateful to you, for saving Edward and getting him help. We owe you everything." She reminded me so much of Edward in that moment, arguing against my reality.

"No, you're wrong," I said, bitterness on my tongue. "I am anything but a hero."

She looked at me closely, studying my face.

"Edward loves you, Jasper," she said softly. "He'll be devastated."

I stared at the wall behind her head. "Edward deserves so much more than me. I've done… things, things he couldn't possibly dream of. He knows only of this one death by my hands, but it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of my terrible past."

I paused, gathering my resolve. "If…" I swallowed. "When I leave, he'll have a chance for a real future, with someone who isn't a monster like me. He can have a normal life with someone his age, someone who can make him happy."

She reached out to grasp my forearm. "You make him happy."

"It's impossible," I said firmly.

She stared at me thoughtfully before speaking. "You know, when you and Edward first started seeing each other, I was very worried. He was my innocent boy and completely caught up in you. Nothing I said could convince him to slow things down." She paused before continuing. "There was something about you that made me fearful for him. You seemed so worldly, so much older than he, so much more experienced. I worried you'd hurt him and break his heart."

She shook her head with a little laugh. "In my over-protectiveness, I refused to acknowledge how much you loved each other. I see it now, though. And if you stay, I promise you, you'll have our full support."

"I just want what's best for him," I said. "I'm… dangerous… a monster. He'll be better off without me."

"If you're a monster, than I'm one too," she said sharply, "because I'm glad he's dead."

We stared at each other and understanding passed between us.

"I can't stay," I finally said.

"I know."

"He'll get past this," I assured her, hoping it was true.

"I'll help him through it," she said.

I felt the edges of panic creeping over me now that the end was near. She must have sensed my mood because she said, "Come here, baby," as she pulled me into a hug. Her arms wrapped around my body and she squeezed me tightly. I stood there with my eyes closed, wondering if my own mother had ever held me like this.

"You're a good man, Jasper Whitlock," she said softly in my ear.

Edward was fast asleep when I entered the room. I stared at my beloved boy, caressing each inch of him with my eyes, trailing over his harsh bruises, the scrapes and cuts, his wan complexion. Even in sleep his brow was knitted in pain. I leaned over and pressed my lips gently to his forehead, easing his hurt, sending a bittersweet pang of satisfaction through me as his expression relaxed. I heard the change in his breathing right before his beautiful magnolia green eyes opened to meet my gaze.

"You're here," he whispered with a sigh, and I could feel the happiness and relief flowing through him. My heart was breaking.

"I'm here," I replied. For now I was here, entirely and completely, I was here with my Edward. There were only the two of us in the entire cosmos. Nothing else existed but him and me.

"I really missed you," were the next cutting words to leave his rosy lips.

"I missed you too." I hadn't been able to stay away from the hospital for even a day without the comfort of his steady pulse. How would I survive eternity?

I watched his face as he struggled to keep his eyes open, pain and exhaustion warring with the desire to be with me. My brave strong boy.

"Go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up," I said gently. I grasped on to the chance to have this last small slice of heaven, to spend these last short moments with him before my heart was rent from my chest and left behind forever.

"You promise?" he asked as his eyes drifted closed. I was grateful he could no longer see my expression, for I'm sure my heartsickness was evident on my face.

"I promise."

I promise I'll love you forever.

I promise there will never be another for me, for all eternity.

I promise that I'll do everything in my power to keep you safe from harm.

I promise to set you free so you can have the kind of life you deserve, not one tied to a monster like me.

I promise I will always love you. Always.

I promise.

The next hour was the most exquisite agony. Each breath he took, each beat of his heart brought joy and pain. My eyes devoured him. My hands greedily drank in the feel of his petal soft skin. I desperately tried to take in as much of my beautiful boy as I could, cataloguing every inhale and exhale of his sweet breath, gathering up the memories to carry me through the endless stretch of days ahead. I was never going to have another chance like this again.

Eventually his eyelids fluttered open again and I was lost in his verdant gaze. If I were able, I would have tears steaming down my cheeks.

"Jasper?" he asked and I could feel his confusion and distress. "What's wrong?"

"I'm leaving," I told him. Now that the time was upon us, I wanted it over as quickly as possible.

"You're leaving? Where are you going?"

"I'll be staying with some relatives, quite some distance away."

"What? I don't understand." I tried to block out his emotions or I would never get through this.

"I can't stay here. Not after what happened. I can't go back to Forks High, as if things were the same as before," I used the excuses I had formulated after the article had come out. "I wouldn't be able to stand having everyone looking at me, whispering about me, talking about what I've done."

"What does it matter what they think?" he asked, quite upset. "You saved my life. That's what they'll be talking about."

"I killed someone, Edward. That's the part they'll remember."

His eyes were filling with tears. The ache in my chest was unbearable.

"When are you coming back?" he asked next, in a small voice.

"I'm not coming back."

My answered shocked him and the tears spilled over.

"What?" he asked in disbelief. "You can't mean that."

"I have to go," I said, my own distress barely contained. "I'm sorry, but I have to leave."

"What about college?"

"I won't be going."

"What?" His panic and confusion was slicing through my defenses. "I don't understand. When am I going to see you again? What about us?"

Here it was: the moment my existence would change forever.

"You won't see me again, Edward. I'm not coming back. Ever. I'm leaving."

The meaning behind my words seemed to sink in slowly. "I don't understand," he said in a pained whisper, his bewilderment and confusion marring the features of his precious face. I wanted nothing more than to take him in my arms and hold him and never let him go.

His beautiful green eyes, damp with tears, looked into my own. "We love each other. How can you leave me? I don't understand. Do you not love me any more?"

My darling boy. I could never let him believe such blasphemy.

"Of course I still love you. I'll always love you." For the rest of my days.

"Then why, Jasper?" the tears flowed freely now.

"You'll be better off without me," I started.

"No, I won't," he sobbed. "I need you."

His heartache stung more than a thousand venomous bites. I felt as if I was going to crumble into dust.

"You will. I'm no good for you. I'm a monster who should never have let things get this far to begin with. I've been selfish and greedy. You deserve so much more."

"I only want you," he persisted. "Please," he begged, "please don't do this."

I could already hear his plea repeating in my head for all eternity. I had to get out of here.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I should never have entered into a relationship with you in the first place. It was wrong." I believed what I was saying, but why did this now seem like the greatest blasphemy? I had to leave. I couldn't take any more.

"How can you say that, Jasper?" he practically yelled in his anguish. "How can you say that?" He was sobbing and my heart clenched as I felt how each of his gasps jolted his broken ribs, causing him stabbing pains in his chest.

I didn't know what to say. I was paralyzed, wanting to go to him, to hold him and kiss him, wanting to run, to run fast and far, never looking back. His tear stained face would be etched into my memory for all eternity.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as I used my last remaining strength to move me towards the door. "I'm sorry."

Elizabeth was on the other side and she gave me a sympathetic look before slipping into the room and climbing up onto the bed with Edward. I saw her take him into her arms as he sobbed out his heartbreak to her. And then I ran, while knowing this was pain from which I never would escape.

-o-

The road stretched before me as I made my way toward Alaska, my belongings packed in the car with me. I had endured the sorrowful goodbyes from Alice and Esme and more endless discussions with Carlisle as he tried to convince me, yet again, that I was not a monster.

I knew differently.

He could never understand the depths of my depravity, the evil that resided permanently within. He didn't know the whole truth. I had barely allowed myself to acknowledge it.

He didn't know my secret shame.

For when Edward lay on the ground, injured and bleeding and I knew not whether he would live or die, a notion had flickered under the surface of my consciousness. I didn't allow it to take form, didn't allow it to become word or rise into thought, yet it was there all the same: _I could turn him_.

I was overtaken by horror, horror at the spike of joy that accompanied such an errant notion, joy brought about by selfish desire to keep Edward with me for all eternity. Horror that somewhere deep inside of me there was something that desired to conscript my beloved boy to endless nights of torment, just so I selfishly would not have to be parted from him.

Killing my mate's attacker made me a murderer; the desire to turn my mate, however infinitesimal that desire may be, made me a monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 15 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/07/chapter-15-savage-bloods-obscenity.html)


	17. Chapter 16 - From the Rift

**"My tears are like the quiet drift  
Of petals from some magic rose;  
And all my grief flows from the rift  
Of unremembered skies and snows.**

**I think, that if I touched the earth,  
It would crumble;  
It is so sad and beautiful,  
So tremulously like a dream."**

_\- Dylan Thomas, "Clown in the Moon"_

* * *

**Chapter 16 – From the Rift**

 

EPOV

I threw my notebook across the room in frustration, wincing as my ribs protested my aggressive movements. I blinked back the tears, determined not to cry again. This was the third time today I had attempted to complete one of my calculus problems, and it was just as futile this time as it had been the previous two. I couldn't concentrate and my head was pounding.

My broken leg and the resulting cast and crutches were extremely awkward and inconvenient; my chest still hurt every time I took too deep a breath, or coughed, or sneezed; but worst of all was my head which still ached, unbearably sometimes.

Well, worst of all was actually… I shut my eyes and lay back on my bed. I just couldn't think about that right now.

I was home from the hospital and preparing to resume my normal life. It wasn't going so well. I had been out of school for a few weeks now, mostly doing nothing but sleeping, or not sleeping, as the case may be. My head injury had me completely fucked up. I couldn't read; I couldn't even watch television. I'd have insomnia, even when I was dead tired from the painkillers.

Dr. Cullen had referred me to a neurologist, but he didn't have much of anything helpful to say, only some sort of useless bullshit about the brain needing time to heal. He couldn't tell me how much time, and his answers were always vague, stuff about every injury being different, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. His main focus seemed to be hitting on the right combination of drugs to counteract my issues. The first one we had tried was amitriptyline, but it had made me feel like I didn't even live in my own body, so I had demanded to be taken off of it. Now we were trying a combination of Ambien, for my fucked up sleeping patterns, and Topamax, an anti seizure medication that had an off label use for migraine prevention. I hadn't been on it long, and the only difference I could tell so far was that it made me lose my appetite, although that could still be from the head injury itself. I remembered how unbearably nauseated I had been initially. I couldn't even sit up without wanting to hurl.

My emotions seemed magnified; I was either angry or sad or frustrated. It was as if I had no control over them, like the filter which kept everything contained had been stripped away, and every feeling was raw and exposed. I had spent way too much time crying and I felt like I was a fucking lunatic some days. Like now, about to have another messy break down because I couldn't figure out my calculus homework.

Mike had visited me often and brought me my school work, so I wouldn't be too far behind when I got back. It was beginning to be obvious to everyone, however, that there was no way I would be able to resume the work in my classes any time soon. My mom had met with the Principal and the Guidance Counselor about how to handle the remainder of my senior year. Since I had taken so many advanced courses over the past few years, I really only needed my English credits to have enough to graduate. Though with the way I was mixing up words when I wrote and stumbling over the simplest sentences when I talked, there was doubt I'd even complete that course.

Mom wanted things to be as normal as possible for me, so I would be returning to my regular classes, but only expected to complete what work I was able. If I couldn't complete my English assignments, I would be given an incomplete and would finish over the summer. I would attend graduation with my class, but wouldn't actually receive my diploma until I had finished the requirements. All these details were too much for me to handle right now, but I was glad at least that it looked like the attack hadn't stopped me from being able to graduate high school with my class. It had taken enough away from me already.

I swallowed back the tears that threatened again. I couldn't think of that right now. I couldn't. I had enough to think about with me returning to school tomorrow.

Mom sat with me in the kitchen as I picked at my breakfast before school. Mike would be coming to pick me up any minute. She was staying home from work again, in case I wasn't able to make it through the entire day and she needed to come get me. I wasn't hungry, most likely because my stomach was a mass of nerves. Other than Bella and Mike, this would be the first time I had seen my friends since the article had come out in the paper. I knew everyone would be looking at me and talking about me when I showed up today. I wondered how differently they would treat me now that they knew I was gay.

Mike hadn't treated me any differently, once we got over our initial misunderstanding. Other than taking great pleasure in mercilessly teasing me about my previous unrequited crush on him. For whatever reason, he thought that was the greatest thing ever and loved to bring it up again and again. He said it just proved what a stud he was if not only all the girls, but also one of the most popular, good-looking guys in school thought he was hot. I told him Jessica hardly counted as "all the girls," but he was not deterred. Even though he could be annoying about it, all the joking made me feel like things would be okay. The subject matter of the jokes had changed, but the way he interacted with me had not.

I heard a knock at the door and grabbed my crutches leaning on the counter beside me to help me up. Mom had that concerned mom look on her face, a look I had seen her wear far too often in the past few weeks, as she watched me struggle to my feet.

"You know if it's too much, you can call me any time and I'll come get you," she offered.

"It will be fine," I said, although I wasn't at all sure I believed it would be.

"Your Principal's talked to all of your teachers, so don't worry about any of your schoolwork."

"Mom, I'll be fine," I repeated, not really wanting to go through this again. I might as well get it over with.

"Honey…" she said, her face worried, as she reached out to brush my hair off my forehead.

"Mike's waiting," I told her brusquely, not wanting to deal with an emotional scene. I barely had a grip on my own emotions these days; I could not deal with seeing the sadness in her eyes again.

She dropped her hand. "Okay, baby. Have a good day."

It was the way she had often said goodbye to me in the mornings. I felt a lump in my throat when I thought about how a little routine saying like that could sound so normal, but at the same time, how it could sound so completely and absolutely different.

I leaned over to kiss her on the cheek before heading to the foyer.

"Eddie!" Mike greeted me cheerfully when I opened the door.

"Hey, Mike," I said.

"Where's your stuff?" he asked, pushing the door open and walking past me to get inside. He saw my backpack on the floor and reached over to grab it.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"Yeah," I responded, moving slowly through the doorway on my crutches.

Mike kept up a steady stream of chatter on the way to school, filling me in on all the gossip, even though he had told me most of it before, during his many visits. He had gotten into the habit of telling me things over and over after spending so much time with me; my short term memory was complete shit. I'm sure he could tell how nervous I was and I appreciated his efforts to take my mind off things.

After he pulled into the parking lot and shut off the engine, he turned and looked at me.

"You ready for this?" he asked, a serious expression on his face.

I looked out the window and saw curious eyes already on me. I tried to tamp down that nervous feeling in my stomach. Then I caught sight of Bella who stood smiling near the entrance of the school. She lifted up her hand in a wave and I smiled back.

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm ready."

Mike ran around to the passenger side to help me out. He grabbed my backpack and slung it over his shoulder where it bounced against his own. Once I was situated on my crutches outside his truck, he reached over to shut the door behind me. Bella and Alice were making their way across the parking lot towards us, as were Ben and Angela from the next row of cars over.

Mike looked me in the eye and said, "We got your back."

I nodded in gratitude, swallowing another lump in my throat.

My friends stuck by my side the entire day. Mike walked me to my first hour prep with Alice, and she carried my bag to our English class from there. Since I was out of PE for the foreseeable future, I had another prep hour, this time with Mike. We already had Physics together and then lunch. Alice had Calc with me, then it was History for the final class of the day. On days Mike didn't have to stay for sports, he'd be driving me home; the other days either Alice or Bella would give me a ride.

That first prep period with Alice was the hardest. Not only because it was the first class of the day, the first chance for people to gawk, to whisper, which they did, but because it was Alice. As before, we sat in the back next to each other, our desks pulled close. I wanted to ask. I wanted to ask so badly. And I thought if I could just get through this first period without asking, if I could just keep my mind off things, just get through the hour, I'd be okay.

"I missed you," she whispered, as we talked quietly, our heads bent close.

"I missed you too," I told her. And I had.

"How's your head? Bella said your headaches have been pretty bad. Are they better now?"

"I'm still having them a lot."

"Oh." She looked upset at my answer.

"I'm okay, Alice. The doctor says my headaches should continue to get better over time."

"Well, that's good, right?" She looked hopeful.

"Yeah."

"And your leg and your ribs? They're getting better too?"

"Yeah. My ribs are still sore, and it sucks having to use the crutches with them, but it's gotten a lot better."

"That's good…that's good," she said, almost to herself.

She looked at me as if she wanted to say something else. I stared back, trying my hardest not to ask, to just get through this period without asking.

As I looked into her eyes, I had a moment of recognition; they were so familiar. It was strange how I had never really noticed the color before, golden and beautiful.

I almost felt as though the words were being pulled straight from my chest. "Have you…"

My throat closed up and I felt the prickling behind my eyes. My mind screamed:

_Have you heard from him?_

_Is he okay?_

_Did he ask about me?_

_Does he miss me?_

_Does he still love me?_

_When is he coming home?_

I couldn't get the words out though. I was about to fall completely apart. I just needed to get through this period. If I could get through this first period, I would be okay.

We sat in silence while I tried to regain control of myself. I felt as if I were made of the thinnest glass, and a single careless jostle would splinter me to pieces.

I felt Alice's cool fingers on the back of my hand. I looked up into her eyes, drinking them in, wishing…

I couldn't do this right now. I had to get through the day.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I nodded, swallowing hard and shutting my eyes, leaning my head back against the wall behind me.

By the end of the day I felt like my head was going to explode. I was not prepared for how tired I would feel, and I had barely done anything. My mom took one look at my face as I walked in the door and hustled me off to bed, making sure I took some pain meds before I almost immediately passed out.

I didn't wake up until after dinner and my head was still throbbing. Mom could tell I was still in pain.

"Maybe you should stay home tomorrow, sweetie," she suggested, her eyes full on concern. "There's no need to push things."

"I'll be fine," I said, taking a small bite of the meal she had fixed for me. I wasn't really hungry.

I heard her sigh. "Edward," she started.

"Mom, I'll be fine," I insisted, putting another bite of food in my mouth and chewing slowly. I poked the rest of it with my fork, staring at the white sauce on the pasta.

My stomach did one of those weird clenching things. I pushed my plate away. "I'm sorry. I'm not really hungry."

"Honey, you have to eat," my mom said with that pleading look in her eyes that killed me.

I reluctantly picked up a piece of bread and start nibbling on it.

"I can make you something else," she said, a hopeful note in her voice.

"No, this is fine, Mom. Really, I'm just not that hungry. I ate a big lunch." I hadn't, but I hated having her worry all the time.

"Okay, baby. How about I make us some tea?"

"Sure. That'd be great."

The second day was even harder than the first. Mostly because I was still so exhausted from yesterday, and my headache had never really gone away. Plus, it was beginning to sink in how different everything was now.

Although my closest friends seemed to treat me the same as always, a lot of the other guys acted weird or uncomfortable around me. I would catch looks of pity from others, including some of my teachers. And every time I thought about being out of commission for baseball this season, I'd feel so fucking angry. I was hopelessly behind in all my classes and I realized there was no way I would catch up. I could barely even follow what they were talking about.

And my head hurt all the fucking time.

When I thought about how happy I had been before, it seemed like another lifetime ago, like those things had happened to some guy who didn't even exist any more. It felt like a black hole of grief had settled into my gut and sucked out all the happiness and joy from life, and all that remained of me was an empty hollow shell. An automaton who walked around like a zombie, just trying to go through the motions of another day.

My mom was pissed when I got home from school. I could tell from the tightness around her mouth. She got me straight up to bed again, gave me some meds and said, "You're staying home tomorrow."

I didn't argue.

-o-

I heard my mom rushing up the stairs at the sound of the crash.

"Edward?" she called frantically. "Are you all right?"

She burst through the bathroom door and stopped short when she saw me surrounded by shards of broken glass. Pieces of the broken bottle of after shave lay on the counter where it had landed after I had thrown it against the bathroom mirror. The smell was overpowering.

Her expression morphed from concern to sympathy. "Oh, honey," she said.

I just stood there, my chest heaving, my hands clenching in fists at my sides.

"Don't move," my mom instructed. "I'm going to get something to clean this up. I'll be right back."

I nodded in acknowledgment.

She returned a few minutes later with a broom and dustpan and some paper towels. She also had a pair of my flip flops in her hands.

"Here, honey. Put these on."

I did as she asked.

"Go wait in the bedroom until I get this cleaned up."

I sat on the edge of the bed, taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. The neurologist had said that these wild mood swings were normal after a traumatic brain injury and that they wouldn't last forever. I hoped that was true. My cast was off and my memory had improved. I was finally able to fall asleep at night without the aid of drugs, but I still felt raw emotionally. Most of the time I did okay. I had fewer and fewer crying jags, thank goodness. They had been freaking embarrassing. When I had gotten overly frustrated, I had become unable to stop the tears from flowing. And I had gotten frustrated a lot those first few weeks. I had been a complete basket case.

The anger, however, was still in full force. It always seemed to be simmering under the surface, even though most days it didn't make its presence known. I went to class, ate lunch with my friends, came home, lounged around on the couch, then lay in bed trying to sleep. The next day I'd do it all over again. The weekends were harder, because I had more time to think, less time to be distracted by pointless shit. The weekends were when little bits and pieces of things I didn't want to think about would creep into my brain and cause tiny fissures in my apathy that would allow the anger to seep through. Sometimes when those tiny cracks appeared, the anger would burst forth like a volcano and I'd explode with rage.

Like tonight. I'd been in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower and images started popping into my head. That gorgeous dimpled face, smiling at me after we had raced up the stairs; those intense golden eyes locked on mine as we stripped off our clothes; his hands on my body, worshipping me as his velvety voice whispered words of love and longing in my ears. I tried so hard not to think about him, for when I did, the grief would well up inside me, drowning out everything but my own pain and sorrow. I _missed_ him. So much.

I didn't understand.

Now that my anger was fading, I could feel the tears welling up. I kicked off the flip flops and pulled my legs up onto the bed, laying my head on my pillow and curling up on my side. I could feel the moisture leaking out from beneath my closed lids and sliding down my face.

I heard my mom enter the room and her deep sigh as she paused in the doorway. I had heard that sound from her far too often recently. I felt the bed dip as she took a seat on the edge. Her hand gently combed through my hair, brushing it back from my forehead.

"I want you to go see Dr. Goodwin," my mom finally said. She had been trying to get me to see a psychologist since the attack. I had refused.

I didn't answer.

"Honey, he can help you work through this," she said, continuing to push.

"No," I choked out. My voice was hoarse. I hadn't used it much lately.

She sighed again. "Please." I had a hard time refusing my mother anything, but I wasn't going to budge on this one. I wasn't going.

"I don't want to talk about it," I told her. I couldn't imagine trying to talk to some stranger about the huge black hole in my chest. I could barely even think about things without being overwhelmed, as the smashed glass in the bathroom could attest to. It wasn't going to happen, no matter how many times she tried to convince me.

"Edward, honey, you need to talk about it with someone."

I could feel the rage beginning to bubble. I brushed her hand away from my face in agitation.

"I told you I'm not going," I snapped. "Now drop it."

"Just think about it, honey…" she started.

I sat up abruptly. "I told you I didn't want to fucking talk about it," I yelled. God, I needed her to back the fuck off.

She got that look on her face. That worried, helpless look. Her hands rested limply in her lap, slightly curved, palms up. I felt a pang of guilt, but I pushed it aside. I couldn't deal with this right now.

My heart was beating rapidly again, fueled by my renewed anger. I was suddenly exhausted. I lay back down on the bed and shut my eyes, curling my arms and legs into my body.

"I'm tired," I told her.

After a long pause she said, "Okay, baby. I'll see you in the morning."

-o-

I sat in the lunchroom listening to my friends talk about the movie we had seen that weekend. I hadn't wanted to go; I would have preferred to stay home and lie in my bed, or veg on the couch in front of the television, but when I saw that hopeful look in my mom's eyes, I couldn't bear to disappoint her again.

Mike had picked me up in his truck and kept up a steady stream of one sided conversation. He never seemed to be bothered by my lack of participation. We all met for pizza before we hit the theater. I didn't say much at dinner, but they were all used to it by now.

It had been one of those stupid comedies, with lame slapstick jokes and broad humor. A real Mike kind of movie. I smiled as he reenacted one of the funnier scenes. He had everyone at the table laughing hysterically. I caught Bella staring at me with a strange expression on her face.

"What?" I asked her, curiously.

"It's… it's just really nice to see you smile," she said.

After lunch the group of us headed to the hallway for our next class. I was still watching Mike as he continued to act out scenes from the movie and not paying attention to where I was going. I slammed into someone hard.

I stammered an apology as I looked up into the angry eyes of Lauren Mallory.

"Watch where you're going, faggot," she hissed at me.

_"What's your hurry, faggot?"_

I froze in shock.

"What did you say?" Mike asked, his tone outraged. She didn't answer.

"What did you just call him?" He was angry, and his voice had increased in volume. I felt like I was standing in a tunnel. There was a loud rushing of sound in my ears and my heart started racing. I was frozen in place while commotion erupted all around me.

Tyler stepped in front of Lauren and faced down Mike. "She called him a faggot. You got a problem with that?"

"Yeah, I got a problem with that, dickhead. She needs to fucking apologize." He was livid.

"Or what?"

"Or what?" Mike asked incredulously. "She called Edward a faggot! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not the one who spends all his free time with a queer."

I watched as comprehension slowly dawned on Mike's face. I could tell it was a complete shock to him that Tyler had a problem with me being gay. I already knew from the way he had treated me ever since I had returned to school. It had been subtle before. Now it was out there.

Mike dove at Tyler, punching him in the face, and then they were rolling around on the ground together, struggling to connect their fists with the other's body. I could hear their grunts and panting breaths as they fought.

_"What's your hurry, faggot?"_

My hands were shaking and I felt perspiration break out all over my body. I felt sick and out of breath and my heart was pounding. Images flashed before my eyes, a fist in my face, taunting words, my arms being pinned, kicks to my ribs. I saw Jasper, full of glorious fury, leaping for my attacker.

I couldn't breathe. I felt dizzy and black spots were dancing in front of my eyes. The noise in my ears roared. I couldn't breathe.

I hear Bella screaming, "Stop! Mike, stop! There's something wrong with Edward!"

I watched as if everything was happening to someone else as Mike gave Tyler one last angry shove before hurrying over to me.

"Edward? Edward, are you okay?" His hands were gripping my shoulders.

"Someone get the nurse," he barked.

"I'm calling my dad," I heard Alice say.

"Here, sit down, and put your head between your knees." I was shaking too hard to obey, and I couldn't breathe.

"Bella, help me," Mike said.

I could feel them both pulling me to the ground and I felt Mike's hand on the back of my neck, forcing it forward. I heard other voices clearing the students out of the hall.

Mike and Bella kept talking to me in low, reassuring voices, urging me to take deep breaths, to try and relax. The nurse arrived and checked my pulse and added her voice to those of my friends.

After a while, she asked, "Do you think you can stand and make it to the infirmary?"

I nodded yes.

I felt dizzy again as I stood up, but Mike and Bella were holding on to me, one on either side. I was still sweating profusely and I hadn't stopped shaking completely, but we made it down to the nurse's station okay.

Dr. Cullen was already there waiting for us. He helped get me situated in one of the chairs. After speaking with the nurse for a few minutes and with Mike and Bella, he shut the door so that only he and I were in the room.

He spoke in a calm soothing voice. "I'm going to check your pulse and your temperature, then listen to your breathing, okay?"

I gave a small nod.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

I tried to speak and only a croak came out. I cleared my throat and tried again. "I just felt dizzy and like I couldn't breathe, and I was all sweaty."

"Bella says it happened after someone called you a slur?" He asked it casually.

"Yes."

"Can you tell me more?"

"Lauren called me a faggot and then Mike and Tyler started fighting. It reminded me of… stuff and I guess I freaked out." I wasn't sure why I was telling him this when I wouldn't talk about it with anyone else.

He nodded. "I want you to come down to the hospital for some tests, just to rule a few things out, but it sounds like you had a panic attack."

A panic attack. Great. Crying jags, emotional outbursts and now panic attacks. I was so fucked up.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. You've been through significant trauma." He paused and asked almost hesitantly. "Your mother says you've refused counseling?"

I gave another small nod.

"Why?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

He sighed and he sounded so much like my mom then. "You may not want to, but I think this is an indication that you need to. I'd like you to reconsider. I think you're experiencing some post traumatic stress. You should really be treated for it."

"I'll… think about it."

"Good," he responded and I heard the smile in his voice.

"I remembered Jasper," I blurted impulsively.

"What?" He was surprised.

"When I was freaking out, I got these flashes of that night, and I remembered Jasper being there."

"Oh." He sounded as if he wasn't sure how to respond.

I looked up and found familiar golden eyes staring at me intently. I fleetingly wondered if that's why he had chosen Alice and Jasper to adopt, since they also had those unusual colored eyes. I felt a pang deep in my chest.

"When…" my throat tightened, but I had to ask. "When is he coming home?"

His face filled with sympathy. "I don't think he is coming home."

I nodded as I felt the black hole expand. My ears started ringing again and I couldn't breathe.

I lay on my bed again, exhausted and spent. Dr. Cullen had driven me to the hospital and my mother had met us there. After a few tests, including an EKG, I had been allowed to go home.

My mom was sitting by me on the bed, running her hands through my hair and massaging my scalp. It felt good.

"Dr. Cullen says you've agreed to go to counseling?" she brought up quietly.

"I told him I'd think about it," I corrected.

"Okay, honey. I know you've said you don't want to talk about it, but I'm here, any time you do. You know that, don't you? You can talk to me about anything. Anything at all."

I nodded and I felt my throat tighten. Again.

I crumpled. After all this time of holding it in, not thinking about him, locking the hurt down tight, I was suddenly split wide open. I had refused to even think of his name, and today, it had escaped from my lips, creating a breach I could not force back closed. I started sobbing into my pillow, my heartbreak washing over me in waves of pain.

"Dr. Cullen says he's not coming back," I gasped out in between sobs. The reality of it hit me full on. I didn't know how I was ever going to live without him.

"Oh, honey," my mom said, rubbing my back as I cried my heart out next to her.

"I don't understand. He said he loved me. I don't understand." My heart was breaking all over again. "Why did he leave? Why couldn't he love me?"

Mom pulled me into her arms and held me tight as I sobbed against her chest.

"He loves you. He does baby," I heard her say.

"Then why did he leave? I don't understand."

"It wasn't you, sweetheart. He has to learn how to love himself," she said gently.

"Couldn't I love him enough for both of us?" I asked the tears continuing to fall as she hugged me tight and tried to explain that it didn't work that way.

I still didn't understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 16 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/09/chapter-16-from-rift.html)


	18. Chapter 17 - The Multiplying Universe

**"I love the handful of the earth you are.  
Because of its meadows, vast as a planet,  
I have no other star. You are my replica  
of the multiplying universe."**

_\- Pablo Neruda, "Sonnet XVI," l. 1-4_

* * *

**Chapter 17 – The Multiplying Universe**

 

JPOV

Alaska's vast untouched wilderness became home to my grief. After settling in with Tanya Valková—as her visiting cousin—it wasn't long before I sought refuge in the familiar compulsion to run. We had spoken little since I had arrived at her home in Healy. I knew Carlisle had filled her in on my reasons for leaving Forks, and she seemed to sense my reticence to talk. She was gracious and welcoming, but left me in peace. Knowing that Alice and Carlisle would be calling frequently to check up on me, I let her know I would be hunting and would be gone for an extended period of time. I didn't want them to worry; I had caused the ones I loved enough pain.

My feet flew across miles of white in Alaska's interior, over frozen rivers and icy tundra. I ran through acres of taiga, the plentiful conifers coated with layers of snow and frost, the ground crunching underfoot as the spongy ground cover gave way beneath my weight. I drank from caribou and moose, wishing the grizzlies weren't in hibernation, aching to feel teeth and claws assailing my skin.

Hours of daylight were few, and even those were more than I felt I deserved. I deserved the long hours of night, the bitter relentless cold. I took to climbing the craggy peaks of the Alaskan Range, heading to elevations that would trouble human lungs, reminding myself of my terrible otherness. I welcomed the unpredictable storms that would rage against the mountainside, the windblown snow blinding me in swirls of white. The sub zero temperatures chilled me to the core and I wondered what would happen if I stilled and let the snow accumulate over me. Would I become buried deeper and deeper as the years passed? Would I eventually turn to ice, the mountain a tomb encasing me for eternity?

Through it all, through the hours of darkness, the frigid temperatures, the miles of untamed terrain, I ached. My pain was like a living thing, trying to crawl out of my chest, and if released, would radiate outwards like an atomic blast, causing glaciers to break free and avalanches to thunder down.

I would return to Tanya's warm, comfortable home between excursions, staying only long enough to assure my family I was coping, desperately trying to refrain from asking about Edward, but always caving in to my weakness, unable to simply _not know_.

Then the guilt would overtake me, guilt for loving him in the first place, for allowing him to love me. Guilt for leaving him.

For wanting to stay.

And once again, I'd run.

-o-

Carlisle had told me a little bit about the Denali coven before I arrived. There were five of them all together: the three sisters, Tanya, Irina and Kate; and a mated couple, Carmen and Eleazar. Carmen and Eleazar were originally from Spain. They had joined up with the sisters hundreds of years after the three women had been turned. Their shared adoption of a "vegetarian" lifestyle gave them a common bond. The couple had returned to their home country several months prior to my arrival and weren't expected back for quite some time. It wasn't unusual for them to travel separately, sometimes for years at a stretch, but they always rejoined with the Valková sisters. They were a family.

I thought about my time with the Cullens, how they had welcomed Alice and me into their home and into their lives. Emmett had been a true brother to me, especially in the aftermath of the attack. I remembered how they had all rallied round, keeping me from harm, taking care of Edward, managing the details. Carlisle had been so concerned that I would go off on my own again. He had repeatedly told me that they were my family now; I did not have to bear my burdens alone. He considered the Denali coven his family also, even though they lived apart. Such a large group of vampires would have drawn too much attention if they all lived together. I could feel his relief when I had agreed to go to Alaska. He had thanked me, earnestly, giving my shoulder a comforting squeeze.

I hadn't spent much time with the sisters, it's true, but I had to admit that knowing there were others out there waiting for me, waiting to send news back to Forks, gave me the incentive to return time and again, even when I longed to lose myself in the Alaskan wilderness.

Winter gave way to spring and the long hours of darkness ended. As the snow melted and the vegetation burst forth, I felt a longing for home. Whereas before my pain had been a raw open wound, crowding out thoughts of anything but my own agony, now it was a dull throbbing ache, an ache I would be carrying with me always. I'd see the green shoots of new growth and picture Edward's vibrant eyes, crinkled with laughter. I'd see the antler growth of the caribou, its velvet stage covering them with a soft membrane layer, and I'd imagine Edward's red brown hair, his eyes closing in pleasure as I combed my fingers through the silky strands. I saw Edward everywhere, in each tiny leaf, each blade of grass, each call of a red-tailed hawk, each ray of sun that broke through the clouds.

I'd become restless during the long hours of twilight. Sometimes I'd go out to Tanya's studio and watch her work. She was a potter and the studio was located in an outbuilding behind the house. She'd spend hours at the wheel, her hands buried in wet clay, forming it and molding it from shapeless earth to beautiful and functional vessels. I'd watch her become lost in her work, her concentration formidable. Her vampire dexterity allowed her to create perfectly symmetrical pieces, completely flawless. Yet she never sent one to the kiln in such a state. She'd introduce small irregularities—a slight indentation in the lip of a vase, a set of plates with the circumference centimeters off from each of the others. When she made these tiny alterations her lips would quirk up at the corners, almost imperceptibly, even to my keen eyesight. Her hands would caress each piece as if it were a lover.

Of actual lovers, she had many. Healy was located just a few miles north of the entrance to Denali National Park. Her two sisters shared a home in the neighboring town of Cantwell, several miles south. The area attracted a constant stream of visitors from late spring to early fall and all three women took advantage of the steady rotation of outdoor enthusiasts, bringing men home often.

Tanya was beautiful, easily the most beautiful woman I had ever met, aside from Rosalie. But where Rosalie's beauty was cool and intimidating, like a priceless object of art you were afraid to touch, Tanya's was earthy and sensual. She was tiny, smaller than Alice even, but her lush curves exuded a voluptuousness that was impossible for the male gender to resist. Her cheekbones were high, her eyes wide, and her lips full. Her head was topped by a curtain of strawberry blonde that swung down her shoulders, the ends slightly curling just at the curve of her ass.

Tanya's sexual appetite wasn't limited to the local visitors. She made regular trips to Anchorage where she kept a second home. She knew the tour groups who planned expeditions up Mount McKinley and checked out likely prospects before they left for Talkeetna, the small village which provided air transportation to the mountain. She claimed that the men who were just returning from conquering the highest peak in North America made the best lovers, full of confidence and a joy of spirit and unbelievable sexual energy. She wasn't shy talking about her lovers, or of being physical with them in my presence.

I asked her why she lived here in Healy, instead of Anchorage then. She tilted her head toward the mountain, the overpowering presence that dominated the landscape.

"Because of her," she had replied. "Denali. She makes me feel young."

Since I had moved here I learned that no one called the mountain by its presidential moniker. Everyone referred to it by its Athabaskan name—Denali: "The High One."

The sisters were the oldest vampires I had ever met, centuries older than Carlisle even. Tanya estimated they were over two thousand years old; they didn't keep accurate measure back in those days. They were from a small village in central Europe, in what was now Slovakia. Her people were of Celtic origin and I listened with rapt fascination as she regaled me with stories of the history of the region, from Druid rituals to the expansion of the Roman Empire, the arrival of Marcus Aurelius, then eventually the invasion of the Huns and later the Avars.

Even though I had personal experience with the strange disconnect between our personal history and our modern day lives—from a Civil War officer to a high school student—it was still odd to think that the vibrant woman who was currently wrapped around a young hiker, their lips pressed together in a passionate kiss, had lived at a time when Christianity didn't yet exist.

I watched as the young man thrust up against Tanya's body. She was pressed against the wall, her legs circling his waist. One of his hands supported her ass and the other was cupped over her breast, his thumb stroking her nipple. She threw her head back and his mouth was hot against her throat. I could feel the lust radiating off them, a hot, pulsing aching desire and I shut my eyes against the onslaught, memories of Edward cascading through my brain—his body splayed across my own while his hips pressed down against me; warm mouth, wet tongue, soft lips; panting breaths, ragged cries; straining muscles, his body convulsing against my own, exquisite release; my beautiful boy.

My heart clenched with longing.

I opened my eyes to see frantic hands tugging at clothing. The man's shirt was off and Tanya's mouth and hands were trailing over his chest, down his stomach, unfastening his pants and pushing them down his thighs. As his erection was freed, she took it into her mouth, her hands holding his hips as he rhythmically moved between her lips. He stared down at her, enraptured, his hands sinking into her hair as she took him deep into her throat. His grunts and moans of pleasure drifted out into the night, and if I shut my eyes I could imagine it was Edward, coming undone under the touch of my hand.

His gasps were coming faster now and I listened to his desperate murmurs of appreciation, his control slipping. I opened my eyes again to observe him and was met with his piercing stare as he finally noticed my presence. I could feel the spike of arousal as he absorbed me watching him, then his attention was back on Tanya as her mouth and lips and hands and tongue brought him to a powerful climax.

I ran, their cries echoing in my ears, aching for what I had lost.

Thoughts of Edward consumed me. I turned each report from Alice over and over in my mind, alternating between doubting my decision when I learned of his struggles and being further convinced I had made the correct choice. His friends and his family had surrounded him with support. He was healing physically. He only needed time to get past his heartbreak. I ignored the pangs I experienced any time I thought of Edward moving on from loving me. He deserved better.

When the wilderness offered me no respite, I took to haunting the café outside of town. It was family run and always bustling at meal times. I preferred the early evening, after the dinner rush had come and gone and it had quieted down to a comfortable steady lull. I'd sit at the counter and drink my coffee, appreciating the server who never tried to engage me in conversation. I thought back to a time long ago when I used to gravitate towards populated areas and to the small diners where I would seek refuge from my loneliness. I knew it wasn't the human interaction I was looking for this time, however. When the coffee passed my lips, the bitter flavor coating my tongue, I felt closer to Edward than any time else.

Tanya discovered my new habit and began to join me some evenings. We'd get a small table in a corner and lean towards each other on our elbows to talk quietly. At first she had been puzzled by my coffee consumption, aware that I would have to regurgitate it later. If I hadn't clung so tightly to the memories of drinking coffee with Edward, allowing the hot liquid to warm my lips, the mug to warm my hands, the taste of it on our tongues, I might have been embarrassed. Instead, she received my explanation with sympathy, reaching out a hand to cover my own, then lightening the mood with a joke about the indigestible proteins she frequently swallowed.

"Tell me about him," she said one evening as we sat quietly in the café.

So I did, talking for hours until the staff was lifting chairs up onto the tables around us. When they asked us to leave so they could lock up, we went to the pub to continue our conversation. I poured out everything, the way he brought me to life, my deep love for him, his steadfast belief in me. I told her of the events that caused me to leave, the attack on Edward and my deadly response. She knew the general story from Carlisle, but I told her everything… my guilt, my shame, my self loathing. She made no judgment, only listened as I allowed my pain to bleed out, openly on display.

We parted ways when we left the pub, Tanya accepting the attentions of one of the other patrons who had been admiring her for the past hour; I, with my heart freshly torn open, to run into the night, the bitterness in my stomach worth the taste of Edward on my lips.

The next time Tanya and sat and talked over coffee in the café, she told me about fertility rituals of her Celtic tribe, the human sacrifices they had made to ensure a healthy crop yield.

The time after she told me about how she and her sisters had eventually adopted the vegetarian lifestyle. They were the original succubi; legends had arisen about them, demons who took human form, beautiful and seductive, leading men to their deaths.

"I loved them," she had told me, "these marvelous human men, so warm and beautiful. We took such pleasure in each other—that part hasn't changed," she added with a wink. "And then I would drink. Their deaths made me sad, but what could I do? It was what we were."

"What changed?" I asked.

"Sasha was the one who discovered we could survive on animal blood."

She had mentioned Sasha before, the vampire who had turned her and her sisters. She didn't speak of her much.

"I suppose it was a mother's love," she mused with a shadow of sadness behind her eyes. "She couldn't bear to see her daughters upset, which we inevitably were as time wore on."

She was lost in thought. "I can still remember them all, you know?" she said offhandedly, looking past me into the distance. "All my lovers. I can see their faces even now." Her eyes met mine and she stared intently. "I loved them all. But not in the way you love your Edward," she added. "I envy you." For a moment she reminded me of Alice and I felt a pang of homesickness that threatened to overwhelm me.

When we next met, I asked, "Tell me about Sasha. What happened to her?" I knew the Volturi had killed her, but I didn't know the details.

I felt her sadness, deep and sharp like a knife. I felt a kinship with her then that I don't think I had appreciated before. She too had known loss, a loss maybe more powerful than my own. I regarded her curiously.

"You've heard of the immortal children, haven't you?" she asked.

"I have." They were taboo…forbidden. Eternity was cruel enough without being trapped inside a child's body. And with the self control of children, they could not be trusted to keep our kind secret. Any who dared to create a vampire child was swiftly destroyed, and the child along with them.

He face took on a faraway look. "His name was Vasilii. He was beloved."

My face must have betrayed my shock.

"Oh, I know they're anathema, that most of our kind regard even the idea with horror, but you would have to meet a vampire child to know how completely irresistible they are. How lovable. Worth risking everything for.

"I have no idea what possessed her to turn him. In the beginning I was jealous… hurt. Were her three daughters not enough for her? But it didn't take long before we all loved him. We would have done anything to keep him secret.

"The Volturi found out somehow, and their retribution was swift." Tanya brought up a shaky hand to lean her forehead against, shading her eyes from my view. I could feel the anguish radiating off her. "Sasha and Vasilii were destroyed right before our eyes."

"We're supposed to be immortal, you know," she continued. "But our time will end one day; I'm sure of it.

"We're not like Denali," she said with a small smile, bringing her hand away from her face. "I know there are some who are older than we three, but I have not met many, and I have known many more who are no longer with us."

I knew what she meant. I had fought in the southern wars, after all, where the life of an immortal was often measured in a year's time. Tanya herself was the oldest vampire I had ever been in contact with. Before her, Carlisle had seemed ancient to me, yet he wasn't even a quarter her age.

"Anyway," she said thoughtfully, "watching my mother and Vasilii be destroyed… it changed me. It changed us all." She paused, a wry expression crossing her face. "Forever isn't as long as it used to be."

-o-

The nights grew longer and again I'd feel the pull of the wilderness. I had thought that the more time I was apart from Edward, the easier it would become. Instead, the burning ache in my chest grew stronger. I missed him, almost unbearably. I started to wonder if any amount of time would ease the pain. I began to suspect my longing would only grow, a festering thing inside of me, driving out any hope of happiness.

I ran, far to the north, to the land of the midnight sun. At this time of year, of course, I was met with polar night. I stood on the edge of the Arctic Ocean, the icy wind buffeting my skin. There was no light, no warmth, only darkness and cold, and bitter loneliness. It had been over a year since I had left Forks, over a year since I had seen Edward's smile, over a year since his scent had filled my lungs, grounding me, giving me peace. Despair was creeping in with the cold, a future of endless night stretching before me.

I missed him.

I missed my family.

When I returned to Healy, I called Alice on the phone, wanting to hear a voice from home.

She was surprised to hear from me. "Jasper!" It wasn't often one could surprise Alice and I took pleasure in her obvious delight. She was a freshman in college now, at the University of Washington, the same school Edward had decided to attend. She was doing just as I had asked—watching out for him. I closed my eyes imagining her face as she chattered happily, telling me about her classes, what the family had been up to.

"I miss you, Jasper," she said after her torrent of words had slowed.

"I miss you too." As always, I couldn't stop myself from asking. "How is Edward?"

She sighed. "He's… the same. He doesn't smile much, but classes seem to be going well. He's made some friends on campus." She paused and I could tell she was weighing whether to tell me something.

"What is it?" I asked. "There's something more."

"He's… seeing someone," she said hesitantly.

The frozen north seemed to congeal in my veins; it was as if an icicle had pierced right through my heart. I stilled and turned to stone. My silence began to alarm Alice.

"Jasper?" she asked anxiously. "Are you okay?"

"I have to go," I stammered out. I hung up the phone, her worried voice reaching my ears until the line was disconnected.

I ran, far and fast. I scaled the steepest peak I could find, struggling up icy walls, my fingers digging deep into the mountain side. When I reached the summit I released a yell, crying out my anguish to the heavens. A wall of snow broke away and thundered down below, picking up speed as it gained in mass. The roar was deafening. When it settled, the silence surrounded me, wrapping me in emptiness.

Was this not what I had wanted? For Edward to have the kind of life I could not give him? Should I not be happy for him? The snow began to fall. I watched the flakes land on my skin, their geometric shapes retaining their form, instead of melting as they would on a living thing. What right had I to be upset? Still, I was devastated and my heart filled with despair.

Tanya wasn't home when I arrived back in Healy. Restless and troubled, I was desperate for company; I did not want to be alone. I ran down to Cantwell hoping to find either Irina or Kate at home.

I could hear the beat of a human heart before I even knocked on the door. Irina, hearing my approach, called for me to enter. After I was inside I saw a beautiful young man embraced between her and Laurent, a nomad vampire who had been staying with them for a few weeks. He had been passing through the area, traveling with two other nomads, and decided to stay, intrigued by their vegetarian lifestyle.

They were all in a state of arousal. I could smell it, as well as feel their lust. "Look what we found at the bar," Irina said in a suggestive tone. "Isn't he lovely?"

I nodded, noting the flush on the man's cheeks, his eyes closed as he enjoyed the feel of Laurent's body pressed up against his back. Irina's hand was on his crotch, palming his erection while her lips were pressed against his throat.

"Would you like to join us?" she asked.

The man's eyes opened and looked at me with interest. I was stunned by the color, the green shade so similar to the boy I loved.

I swallowed the venom pooling in my mouth and shook my head no. He looked disappointed.

Irina shrugged her shoulders at my response. "Feel free to stay," she tossed out casually as she returned her attention to the beautiful human.

He stared at me for a few minutes while Irina and Laurent caressed him all over, removing his clothes so that their lips and hands could touch his body. I watched him shiver, goose bumps breaking out on his flesh, as their cool skin came in contact with his own. Soon, however, his body temperature had risen, fueled by his excitement.

I watched him kneel down and take Laurent's cock into his mouth, sucking it and stroking it, licking the head, taking it deep until Laurent released into his mouth with a strangled cry.

Laurent pulled him up into a passionate kiss and stroked his erection with slow gentle pulls until the man was panting into his mouth. Irina was watching, her fingers plucking at her nipples, her hand reaching between her legs to stroke her clit.

"I'm going to fuck you while you fuck her," Laurent whispered into his mouth, catching his gasping cry between his lips.

The man pulled Irina roughly toward him, rubbing his erection against her, their tongues wrapping around each other's in a frantic dance. They sunk down onto the plush carpet and he entered her swiftly, low moans emitting from their mouths. Laurent knelt behind him slicking his hole with a lubed finger as the man thrust slowly in and out of Irina. When he was prepared, Laurent replaced his finger with his cock and pushed slowly into his body. His shoulders tensed, back arched as he reveled in the dual sensations, his cock embraced by Irina below him, his ass being filled by Laurent from behind.

The three of them moved in an age old rhythm and I shut my eyes, letting the sounds of their coupling wash over me, feeling their pleasure pulsing through me. In my mind I saw my beautiful Edward, his body pressed close to mine. The man's heartbeat accelerated and I heard Edward's pulse, hammering against my chest. I heard the cries as he filled Irina's body and I saw Edward's face as he fell apart in my arms.

I opened my eyes and could only see Edward, another man thrusting into his body, someone else's hands on his skin, another's lips on his mouth. Edward, who used to be mine, but was mine no longer. As Laurent claimed the green eyed man I was filled with a helpless rage. I tore my eyes away from the sight and stumbled toward the door, fleeing into the night while knowing there was no escape from my pain.

The winter was long, but eventually the hours of daylight lengthened and I resumed my visits to the café. I had tried to let Edward go, tried to forget about his scent, his eyes, his skin, his touch, but I couldn't give up the taste of his lips on mine.

Tanya slid into the seat beside me.

"You look terrible," she said.

"Do I?" I asked bleakly, staring out at Denali, wishing I could no longer feel, that I could turn my heart back to a hunk of stone.

"Why don't you go to him?" she asked me.

"You know why," I answered. I had told her my reasons. I had to protect him.

"Tell me again. I've forgotten."

I shot her an annoyed look.

"Humor me," she prompted.

"I'm too dangerous. I could easily kill him."

"Hmmm," she responded, looking unconvinced. I supposed that argument was difficult to sustain now that I had witnessed first hand the number of men with whom the sisters had been intimate, all of them surviving with nary a bruise, unless they had wanted it a little rough.

"I have difficulty controlling my bloodlust. It's too risky."

"Did you not hold him in your arms while he bled?"

I winced, the painful memory fresh in my mind. "Yes, and I lost control and killed someone, and almost killed my own brother."

"Hmmm," she said again.

"What does that mean?" I asked with irritation.

"You were protecting your mate. I don't see it as the same at all." Carlisle had said as much to me before. I could feel myself wanting to be swayed by their arguments.

Yet still, I knew the truth. I knew that deep inside, a part of me had wanted Edward to be turned. I wanted him with me forever. And for that I could never forgive myself.

Tanya was watching my face carefully. "Do you remember when I told you about the Druidic rituals, from my time as a human?"

"Yes, of course."

"They would seem barbaric today. I know you've had similar thoughts about the war you were engaged in before you were turned."

"That's true." I had long ago had to work through my conflicting feelings about the Civil War.

"I know how you see yourself, Jasper. As a soulless monster, damned for all eternity. And were you to turn your Edward, you'd be condemning him to the same fate."

"Do you not believe we are damned?" I asked with genuine curiosity.

"I think we all cling to the relics of the time in which we were born. Carlisle is a very religious man. I know he'd say that the very fact that you question whether you have a soul is proof that you have one."

"What do you think?"

"I do not hate the life I have before me. I was a human before Christianity existed. We believed that every rock, every tree, every human contained a spirit. Not souls in the Christian sense… more of a life force, an energy. Scholars today sometimes refer to the belief as animism."

The image of Tanya at her potter's wheel popped into my mind, her hands caressing the wet clay as she formed it from raw earth into something new.

"Do you still believe that?" I asked her.

"As I said, we cling to our pasts, to pieces of our human lives."

I took that to mean yes.

"I told you that Sasha and Vasilii's death changed me."

I nodded.

"I no longer look at this form of flesh and stone as immortal," she gestured to her figure as she spoke. "One day they were here, and in the next moment they were gone. But the love I have for them is a strong today as it was hundreds of years ago."

She smiled softly at me before continuing. "These bodies, that mountain," she said, indicating the ever present Denali, her form rising in the distance, "flesh, stone, ice, rock… they're transitory. External forms that will one day change. Only love is eternal."

She reached over and took my hand. "None of it is bearable without love, Jasper. Whether human or vampire. I don't see your desire to turn Edward as proof you're a monster. On the contrary, I think it shows how human you are. Why wouldn't you want to keep such a precious gift with you always?"

She looked at me with that same wistfulness that had reminded me of Alice. "Were we all so lucky as to love and be loved as you and your Edward."

Over the next few weeks I thought about our conversation constantly, turning over my arguments in my mind, picking apart my reasoning, wondering anew if I had done the right thing.

Alice called again, and I hesitated to answer the phone, missing her terribly, but knowing I wouldn't be able to stop myself from asking about Edward. I didn't think I could bear to hear about him with someone else again. My need to hear Alice's voice, however, won out over my fear.

We talked for a while and I basked in her affection, letting all the bits of news from home ease some of my longing. Eventually, she asked, "Don't you want to know about Edward?" I took in a quick breath, bracing myself. Of course I did, but I wasn't sure I could stand it. I shut my eyes, preparing for the onslaught of pain.

"Of course I do. You know I do."

"The school year's over, and he and his family are spending the summer in Mexico. He did well in his classes. He smiles a little more than he used to."

My heart clenched. I missed his beautiful smile so much.

"He's not seeing that boy any more," she added softly. "They broke up."

I felt a spike of joy which was quickly replaced with guilt. I should want him to find happiness.

For a moment I allowed myself to indulge in precious memories—the two of us in the shower, our hands roaming over each other's bodies as the water streamed down, Edward saying, _"The rest of eternity still wouldn't be enough time to spend with you."_ His face leaning over me as I climaxed beneath him: _"Thank you for trusting me."_ Edward, distraught in the hospital, sobbing, _"I only want you."_

"When are you coming home?" Alice asked next, as she always did.

I hesitated. Instead of the usual, "I'm not coming home," I heard myself saying, "I'm… not sure."

"He still loves you, you know," Alice said next. "We all do. I really miss you."

"I miss you too, Alice. I'll talk to you soon. Give my love to everyone."

After more words of love and affection, I hung up the phone.

I wandered outside, lost in thought, and looked up at Denali, her peaks shining in the blazing sun. Then I was running again, running towards the mountain, wondering if she could somehow give me the answers I sought.

I climbed toward the summit, stopping at a spot near the 14,000-foot camp that was referred to by climbers as Edge of the World. I looked out and could see Hunter peak and Foraker. Below me was the Kahiltna Glacier, sweeping out to the tundra, white eventually fading to green.

I thought about what Tanya had told me, how everything changes, how even this glacier, this ancient mass of ice would eventually cease to exist. Even now it moved imperceptibly, the shifting temperatures causing slight melts and drifts. I understood what Tanya meant about Denali making her feel young. Up here I felt insignificant, a tiny speck in the cosmos, my hundred plus years a mere fraction of a fraction of a second. Even less than that.

I thought about the teeming life of the Alaskan wilderness, the bear sweeping up the salmon in its claws, the eagle diving to capture a meal. For the first time in a long time I thought about Peter and Charlotte, how they had accepted their change and the drinking of human blood. From up here, I could finally see my place in the universe. I was not some hideous monster, more horrible and terrifying than any other predator, no more evil than others of our kind. I was simply Jasper, a vampire, brother, son… lover.

Tanya was right. When all else faded around us, when our bodies crumbled to dust, love would remain.

I was suddenly overtaken by an urgency, by the knowledge that time was fleeting and I had wasted too much already. Although I knew my concerns and fears had basis in truth, they seemed to crumble away in light of these new revelations. Carlisle had also been right. If I had not harmed Edward when he was injured and bleeding, my bloodlust aroused by the instinct to protect my mate, I never would. There could be no situation more stressful and taxing than that. Everything in me had struggled to keep him from harm. My fears about getting close to him sexually had been put to rest after all my time with the Valková sisters. They had shown me it was possible for vampires and humans to be physically close. My venomous fluids wouldn't kill him; I would not succumb and drink. Finally, I remembered the look in his eyes as my nature was revealed, how he stared when I snapped the neck of his attacker. He did not recoil in fear; he only looked at me with love.

How I wanted to see that look in his eyes again. I would give anything.

I raced down the mountain, my path sure. I was done with my foolish exile. I would go to him and beg his forgiveness. I would never leave him again. I loved him, and I hoped he still loved me. He was my mate and we belonged together, for the rest of our days, however many they might be.

A weight lifted from me as the decision was made. My heart was full of joy, singing with hope. I heard the phone ringing as I entered Tanya's home and smiled seeing Alice's name on the display.

She knew. I was coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 17 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/09/chapter-17-multiplying-universe.html)


	19. Chapter 18 - One Piece of Your Heart

**"Miracle's truck comes down the little avenue,  
Scott Joplin ragtime strewn behind it like pearls,  
and, yes, you can feel happy  
with one piece of your heart."**

_\- Adrienne Rich, "Miracle Ice Cream," l. 1-4_

* * *

**Chapter 18 – One Piece of Your Heart**

 

EPOV

I paused in the doorway before heading out, wondering for about the hundredth time whether I was making a mistake.

"It's only for coffee," David had said with a small smile, and after hesitating for a minute, I had agreed.

I had met him during autumn quarter, in our FIG classes, the Freshman Interest Groups designed to match up students with similar interests. Those same 20 or so people would be registered in all their classes together for their first quarter. In addition to a composition course and another academic class, FIG students also took a general studies course that introduced us to all the resources the University had to offer. The groups were intended to help make the transition to such a large university more manageable. I suppose it had worked; I had gotten to know all twenty-two of the other students in my group pretty well.

This wasn't where I had expected to be, taking intro core classes at the University of Washington, but so much had changed for me over the last year. As we had arranged, I walked at graduation with my high school class, but I had been unable to finish my English requirement and had to complete it over the summer. For the first time I could remember, we did not travel somewhere on an extended vacation, but stayed home in Forks.

I had planned to attend Dartmouth in the fall with Jasper, but after what I'd gone through, I couldn't imagine moving so far away from my family. Instead, I decided to stay in Washington. I lived on campus, had a roommate, took regular non-honors courses and tried not to think about the huge gaping hole in my heart.

My mother had encouraged me to sign up for one of the FIG sections. I wanted to blend into anonymity on the crowded campus, but she was worried about my increasing isolation and pushed me towards something that would ensure my getting to know people. The general studies section of the FIG was set up as pass/fail, but it required active participation in discussion, group work, and research. There was no getting around interacting with the other students. She hoped that would ease my social entry into the large campus community.

The longer Jasper was gone, the more I had slowly withdrawn from my friends. It happened so gradually that I don't think they even noticed, until we went weeks without even talking. Bella had a new boyfriend, Jake, a guy from La Push her family had known for ages, and she spent almost all her free time with him. Mike was working at the store over the summer and then took a backpacking trip through Europe with a few of the guys. It's something we probably would have done together, before. Alice and I still saw each other regularly. I wasn't quite sure what was going on between them, but she and Bella seemed to have had a falling out ever since Jake had come on the scene. Alice wouldn't talk about it, though, and insisted she and Bella were as close as ever, but I knew something had gone wrong. They never spent any time together any more. Somehow I thought that Alice and Bella would end up at the same college together, but Bella had decided to go to school back in Arizona.

Being around Alice caused some mixed feelings. On the one hand, she didn't expect me to talk or entertain her; she let me brood, or be depressed, or angry, or whatever else I was feeling. She understood me; she missed Jasper too. On the other hand, her simple presence reminded me of Jasper, and that made me miss him even more. Every time I looked into her eyes I felt… something I didn't want to feel.

She was attending school in Seattle too, and we met for coffee regularly and caught a few movies together. Even though being around her brought out conflicting emotions, I also craved the connection she gave me to Jasper. I couldn't let him go.

I didn't want to let him go.

I had finally given in to everyone's wishes and agreed to see Dr. Goodwin. The panic attack I had in school that day when Lauren called me a faggot wasn't the last one I experienced, although it had been months. I had only had one since I started college and I was able to get it under control fairly quickly with some breathing techniques he had taught me.

More importantly, he had helped me manage my expectations about my head injury. I stopped freaking out about not being able to do things as fast or as well as I used to, and I started to accept the regular headaches. That, in turn, helped me get my emotions a little more under control. I'd still get frustrated and angry, but I no longer felt that I was a complete raw mess, constantly on the verge of a break down. So far Dr. Goodwin had been right; things were gradually getting better. Headaches were fewer and farther apart, and didn't last as long when I did get them. I was handling my classes without too much difficulty. And I was making some new friends.

What he couldn't help me with, however, was getting over Jasper. First, because I didn't want to get over Jasper. I still loved him. I ached for him. I wanted Jasper to come back and tell me he had made a terrible mistake, that he still loved me, that he would never leave me. I wanted to wake up with my head in his lap, having fallen asleep as he read me poetry, and find it had all been a terrible dream. Second, because I refused to talk about Jasper with him. I would talk about the attack, about having the living shit kicked out of me because I was gay, about my panic attacks and the headaches, and the outbursts, and being outed in a fucking newspaper article, but if he brought Jasper into the conversation, I would clam up. I was not going there with him.

I had spent a lot of time trying to understand, coping with my heartbreak, the terrible white hot anger, the excruciating pain. God, had I been angry. I thought a lot about something my mom had said to me when Jasper had first left—that Jasper had to learn to love himself. I never really did find out what had happened to him before he came to Forks. I knew that he hated himself, but I naively thought our love was enough to overcome his self loathing. I hoped wherever he was, he had stopped being so hard on himself. I hoped he could work through the things in his head that made him say our relationship had been so wrong. I hoped all he needed was a little time away. I would wait for him.

I tried to get Alice to tell me more about Jasper's past.

"I don't think that's really my place to tell you," she said, looking uncertain.

"What does it matter anymore, Alice? You said he's not coming back. I'm just trying to understand. He was going to tell me, too. Earlier… that night. He said he'd tell me everything." Deep down, I didn't believe he wasn't coming back. He had to. What we had together was real and strong and could withstand this horrible separation. I still had hope. Even after those first few terrible months when I was so lost and so in pain, I still held on to that tiny pinpoint of light, buried deep in my gut. I thought if I could only understand…

Alice cocked her head curiously. "Everything? He said that?"

"Yes. He said that. So you wouldn't be telling me something he didn't want me to know. I'm sure of it."

"Still. It shouldn't be me telling you these things."

"Well who else then?" I snapped. "It's not like he's here to tell me himself."

Instead of getting upset with me, she just sighed. "Edward, I would if I felt I could…"

"No, no, I'm sorry," I cut her off. "I just wish…" I didn't finish.

She reached over to gently squeeze my hand. Her fingers were ice cold. "I know," she said. "Me too."

"Geez, your hands are freezing. You want some more tea? I think I'm going to get a refill," I said, gesturing to my coffee cup.

She jerked her hand away and brought it back to her lap. "Sure. That'd be nice. Thanks."

While I was in line waiting to get us more drinks I thought about what I could ask her so she wouldn't feel like she was betraying his confidence.

I walked back to the table and put her tea in front of her. She smiled and said thanks, wrapping her hands around the mug.

"So," I began, "I know you told me before that what happened brought up a lot of bad memories for Jasper, and I know he had a violent past."

She didn't respond, just looked at me expectantly.

"What does that mean, exactly?" I asked.

She looked as if she were decided what to say.

I continued, "He told me once that he thought he was a monster, and I wouldn't love him if I knew the things he had done. What kinds of things did he do, Alice?" I had wondered about this so many times in the past. What haunted him that he couldn't even stand to stay? "Did he… kill someone before? I mean, before Port Angeles? Before he moved here?"

She looked at me intently, with those familiar golden eyes. Finally, she nodded. My stomach did a little turn, finally having confirmation of my worst fears. "It wasn't just that. The killing. It was the circumstances of his life then. It was all violence. And hate. And very little love. His self hatred is deeply rooted. He really does think of himself as a monster. I think he always felt that he could never be good enough for you."

I looked away, swallowing the lump in my throat and pushing down the rising anger. It wasn't fair that we never had the chance. That I never had the opportunity to even know about his past and decide for myself how I felt about it. It had all been ripped away from me in a single evening.

I mulled over this new knowledge in my head for weeks after Alice and I had talked. It hadn't really been a surprise, but at the same time, it was a lot to think about. I still didn't know the details, but Jasper had killed at least two people. I was still processing my own feelings about the man Larry who had beaten me so badly, so I could only imagine what Jasper was going through. Dr. Goodwin said that my perspective may change many times over the course of my life. One day, I might forgive him, but at this time, I held too much anger, and I was glad he was dead. Maybe that wasn't healthy; I didn't care.

I dreamt about that night. Many times. Initially after the accident, I didn't dream at all. A result of the head injury, the neurologist had said. Once I did start remembering my dreams again, I was told that was a good sign; my brain was healing. Sometimes I'd see Jasper, so clearly, a fiery protectiveness in his eyes, lunging for my attacker… saving me. My heart would be bursting with an overpowering love. When I'd wake up, I'd be so happy… until I remembered he was gone; then my happiness would turn to bitter tears. Other times he'd appear as a mountain lion, springing onto Larry and ripping out his throat with his teeth, savagely tearing him to pieces. I'd know it was him, though. The lion would stare at me with Jasper's beautiful golden eyes and my heart would swell with love. Still in others he wouldn't appear at all, and I'd call for him as the beating continued until I'd start to lose consciousness, knowing I was dying and there was no one to save me. I'd startle awake, sweating and frightened, my heart beating fast in my chest. While I was still living at home, I'd sometimes knock on my parents' bedroom door. My mom would scoot over so I could slip into their bed and I would curl up between her and my dad. She'd pet my hair and whisper calming words to me until I'd fall back asleep. When I had nightmares in the dorm, my roommate would groggily ask, "Hey man, you okay?" and I'd give him a, "yeah, sorry for waking you" back, even though I wasn't okay. Not at all.

I wondered what Jasper dreamed about. I wondered if he had nightmares about that night, or about whatever had happened in his past. I wondered if he woke up scared and alone and wished I was with him, the way I wished he were with me.

When it came down to it, I decided that it didn't matter what Jasper had done. Whatever happened in the past, whatever he had done, it didn't matter. I loved him. I knew him. Even in my dreams, when he wasn't even human, but a mountain lion, I recognized him. I could see straight into his soul through his expressive golden eyes. He was good and kind, thoughtful and passionate, and so goddamn beautiful in every way.

I missed him so fucking much.

-o-

I first noticed David in my Poly Sci class. When I originally thought about attending college, before I had my head bashed in by a fucking bigot, I assumed I'd go into business, like my dad. While I was going through the various FIGs offered, however, the thought of sitting through an Economics class was less than appealing. Instead, I found one that focused on social issues and American politics. I had this vague idea brewing in the back of my mind about possibly going to law school one day—maybe into politics too, some time far in the future. Before, I had never been much for causes. I was content to lie low and not draw attention to myself. Things were different now. It's not like I planned to become some sort of outspoken activist or anything, but I wanted the world to be different. I wanted to live in a world where someone like me wasn't afraid to hold hands while walking down the street with his boyfriend.

It's amazing how your perspective changes after almost being killed for kissing a boy.

When I looked through the University's recommendations for a pre-law program, the literature stated it didn't really matter what we chose to major in, although they suggested something heavy on the reading and writing. That gave me the easy excuse I needed to look at choices other than Economics.

David was very cute, with short light brown hair and dark brown eyes. He had amazingly thick eyelashes and was fit and tan, and very easy going. We hit it off immediately. When I caught him checking me out, and he just gave me a small shrug and a grin, I was flattered and had one of my first moments of understanding how things could be different here. I assumed he was gay from that interaction.

A few weeks later after the end of our afternoon class, I learned he assumed I was gay as well.

"Hey, Edward… wait up," he called to me.

"What's up?"

"I wanted to know if you wanted to come to the Q Center with me tomorrow and meet some of the guys. They're playing a really great movie too."

"The Q Center?" I asked. That sounded vaguely familiar.

"Yeah, you know… where all the gays hang out." He flashed me a wide grin.

"Oh." Of course. I remembered reading about it when I was looking at the different sorts of student groups the university had. I was surprised at the invitation, though. How did he even know I was gay? "Wait, how did you know I was gay?" I asked.

"I didn't. But I do now," he answered with a laugh. "So… you wanna go? I hang out there a lot. The guys are great. Well, most of them."

"What's the movie?"

"It's called _Shelter_. It's really good. You seen it before?"

"No. I've never even heard of it."

"You'll love it. It starts at seven. I can meet you at your dorm and walk over with you, or you could just meet us there if you want to go."

I thought about it for a few minutes. I hadn't done much socializing at all since I started school, except for occasional coffee with Alice. This was what I had wanted, after all, wasn't it? To be able to be out at college and not have to hide who I was. To make friends with other guys like me. _Yes, but you wanted to do those things with Jasper_ , a voice whispered in my head. I pushed back the surge of sorrow and pain that shot through my gut whenever I thought of Jasper, but something must have shown on my face.

"Hey, it's not a big deal if you don't want to go. There's stuff going on all the time over there. Maybe another night, okay?"

"No," I corrected hurriedly. "It sounds like fun." Jasper wasn't here, after all. Was I going to sit in my dorm room by myself all year? "I'll meet you over there. Thanks."

"Great," he said, enthusiastically. "See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow."

-o-

It was about my fourth or fifth time at the Q Center that someone finally recognized my name.

"Wait, your last name's Masen? Oh shit. You're the guy from that whole Port Angeles thing last year, aren't you?" Geoff, one of the upperclassmen I had been hanging out with asked. He was a big buff guy, a complete sports nut, with an amicable personality. He reminded me a lot of Emmett.

I stiffened.

David looked at me curiously. "What Port Angeles thing?" David was from southern California, so it made sense he wouldn't have heard about it. I knew that wouldn't be the case with anyone from this area. It had been big news.

"Oh, dude, it was in all the papers," Goeff continued. "Everyone here was following the story…"

He broke off after a sharp look from David who had noticed I was having trouble breathing.

"Are you all right, Edward?" he asked, grabbing my arm and walking me over to a sofa to sit down.

I took a few deep calming breaths as I had been taught and I felt my heart rate returning to normal. "I'm fine."

Goeff had joined us at the couch. "Shit, I'm sorry Edward. I shouldn't have brought it up like that. I'm such a fucking moron!" His face was full of concern.

"No, it's okay." Now that one person had connected the dots, it wouldn't be long before I was once again labeled as that guy who got gay bashed in Port Angeles. "It's not like I didn't expect it to come up at some point."

"I'm still sorry. You probably don't like talking about it. Fuck, man. I'm sorry."

"No, really. It's okay." I tried to smile. David was probably dying to ask about it, but he didn't say anything.

I stood up. My legs were a little shaky. "I think I'm just going to head back to the dorm. I'll catch you guys later."

David looked at me uncertainly. "Do you want me to walk back with you?" he asked.

"No, I'm fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

"If you're sure," he said. I nodded, heading toward the door. I turned around to wave goodbye as I exited. They were both still staring after me.

The next day I resolved to tell David the whole story. He was probably my best friend here and deserved to know, and I'm sure Geoff had filled him in after I left anyway. Plus, I realized that I actually did want to talk about it with someone. Someone who didn't know me from before, or wasn't my shrink, or wasn't Jasper's sister.

"Do you want to grab some lunch with me between classes?" I asked him. I noticed he had been a little nervous around me today, like he didn't know what to say to me.

He gave me a big relieved grin. "Yeah, that sounds great."

Over lunch I told him the whole story. He asked lots of questions afterwards—did I still have any medical problems, what happened to the guys who beat me up, where was Jasper now.

"So he just left? While you were still in the hospital?" his voice was incredulous.

"Yeah," I responded softly.

"Wow. That's harsh."

I didn't say anything. What could I say, after all? If I thought about it too much, I'd be angry and hurt and a fucking mess all over again. And it's not like it would change anything.

David and I became much closer after that conversation. He told me all about growing up in southern California and spending his days surfing at the beach. He'd been openly gay for as long as he could remember.

"It's not like I ever really came out," he told me. "It was sort of, I always knew I was gay, and my parents always knew I was gay, and my friends knew I was gay, and it was just the way it was. No one had a problem with it where I grew up. I mean, sure, I'd get the occasional comment. There are assholes everywhere, but it wasn't like anything you had to deal with.

"That's the way it should be for everyone, you know?" he continued. "I've heard so many stories. We both know you're not the only one who ended up in the hospital, or worse, just for being who you are. Kids should never have to feel like they've got to hide. I figure the more people who are open about the sexuality, the more normal it will seem to everyone else."

I couldn't disagree. He looked up from his coffee and gave me a gentle smile. "I don't want to sound like a condescending dick by saying this, but I'm proud of you for hanging out at the Q Center and getting involved with stuff there after everything you've been through."

I could feel my face flush a little bit with embarrassment. "Yeah, well, I guess when I thought about 'what's the worst that could happen?' I figured I already found that answer out, so things could only look up."

"No shit."

We both laughed and then we moved on to about talking about classes and other less serious topics.

As winter break approached, I became anxious about going home. Alice was going to give me a ride back to Forks and I had restrained myself the last few times we had gotten together from asking about Jasper. I thought, now that it had been almost a year, maybe he would come home for Christmas. I'm sure Esme and Carlisle wanted the whole family together. If he did, I wondered if he'd want to see me. Did he still think of me? Did he still love me?

Finally, I got up enough nerve to ask.

Alice looked at me with those big sad eyes and I felt my heart breaking all over again.

"No, he's not coming home for Christmas. I'm not sure he's ever coming back."

"Not ever?" I asked with a break in my voice. "I thought that once he had some time away…" I knew I sounded pitiful, but I was desperate for a different answer. He had to come home eventually, didn't he?

"Edward, I'm sorry," Alice said. "I don't see it happening."

I looked in her eyes and knew she was telling the truth. That tiny pinpoint of light I had been carrying around for a year flickered and went out.

I leaned over with my elbows on my knees and put my face in my hands, so she wouldn't see me cry. I heard her chair scoot around and then her hand was rubbing my back in sympathy. It didn't help.

David noticed how quiet I was the next few times we saw each other.

"Hey man, what's going on? Do you need to talk?" he asked while we were having coffee between classes.

So I told him. I told him that all this time I'd been waiting, absolutely certain that Jasper was going to come home one day, no matter what everyone else said. I told him how I knew it was Jasper's shit that was keeping him away, but I couldn't help but feel if I had only done something differently, if I only had another chance to talk to him… I trailed off, realizing how stupid I probably sounded.

David didn't look at me like he thought I was stupid, though; he looked as if his eyes might fill with tears any moment. He cleared his throat and leaned toward me.

"Look, I know how much you love the guy. It's obvious. I can tell. I've always been able to see it. But I've gotta say it, just this once. The guy's a fucking idiot. You're wonderful. You're sweet and you're funny, and smart and good-looking, and he's a fool to have left you." I was taken aback at the intensity of his words. His face flushed as he was speaking, but he didn't look away.

I just stared at him in shock. He finally broke our gaze, and fidgeted uncomfortably for a moment before saying, "I'm going to go get a refill. You want some?" I nodded and he grabbed our mugs, walking to the counter.

When he came back to the table he started talking about our final for our Poly Sci class and didn't refer to our previous topic of conversation again.

Over break it was great to catch up with Bella and Mike, and to be home with Mom and Dad. I almost couldn't wait to get back to school though. Everything in Forks reminded me of Jasper. Everything. Now that the realization that he actually wasn't ever coming back was sinking in, I felt like I was going through the grieving process all over again. David and I emailed back and forth a few times, but it wasn't anything I could really discuss with him. And I certainly didn't want to tell my mom that I'd been holding on to hope this whole time. She'd think I hadn't been taking my therapy seriously at all.

I had realized, after that afternoon at school, that David liked me. As in, liked me liked me. I felt a little stupid not having figured it out until then, but I was still so wrapped up in thoughts of Jasper I didn't even notice. I mean, he had been checking me out practically the very first day of school. He spent a ton of his free time with me. He never went out with other guys, even though I knew he had had several boyfriends before. I probably should have been able to figure it out. I wasn't really sure what I thought about the situation. I mean, I had never even thought of anyone like that since I had been to college; I was still too hung up on Jasper.

That's why, when I ran into him once I was back on campus and he invited me for coffee, I got flustered and didn't know how to respond.

"It's only for coffee," he said, smiling gently. "C'mon. You can tell me how your break was."

I didn't have a good reason to refuse. It's not like we hadn't gotten coffee together a million times before. "Okay, but I'm running late for class," I told him. "It'll have to be later."

I was in the dorm, pacing, and was already running almost twenty minutes late. I had started to leave half dozen times, then stopped, wondering if I should text him to cancel. Did he think this was a date? Did he want this to be a date? Did I want this to be a date? God, I knew I was over-thinking things. Finally, I grabbed my jacket and headed out the door.

When I got to the coffee shop, I saw David sitting in the corner by himself, slowly tearing a napkin into tiny pieces.

He looked up as I approached and the crease on his forehead disappeared as his face morphed into a relieved smile.

"Hey, I almost thought you weren't coming." He tried to sound like he was joking, but I could hear the seriousness behind the words.

"I'm sorry I was late," I replied. I pulled off my jacket and put it over the back of the chair. "I'll be right back," I said as I went to the counter to order my coffee.

When I got back to the table, we kind of looked at each other not knowing what to say. An awkward silence filled the space.

We both started speaking at the same time, and that broke the tension, causing us to laugh.

"You first," I said.

"No, you."

"Okay. I was just asking how your break was."

"Oh. It was nice. Yours?"

"It was fine."

We were both silent again.

"Fuck," he finally said under his breath. "I knew I ruined things."

I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't say anything.

He took a deep breath. "Okay, here's the thing. Obviously, you've figured out I like you." He rolled his eyes a little at himself and I smiled. "I wasn't ever going to say anything, because I knew you were still in love with that guy. And you've been through some serious shit and didn't need someone pressuring you or anything. But, you know, when you were going on about him leaving and that you might have had something to do with it, I just got pissed. Because that is _all_ on him and I think you know that."

I nodded.

"So, yeah, I let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. I have a crush on you. I want to date you. I want to be your boyfriend and buy you pretty things." He was giving me a look that was making me laugh.

"Most of all, I want to still be your friend. You're my best friend here and I'd hate to lose that because I fucked up one day. I know you're probably not ready to see anyone, and really, I'm cool with how things were. Really. Truly. So can't we maybe go back to just hanging out, the way we did before I revealed my super secret big gay crush?"

He was looking at me with a smile and a hopeful expression in his gorgeous brown eyes.

"I promise to never ever mention that I've imagined what you look like naked."

I almost choked on my coffee and he shot me a cheeky grin. Now I was rolling my eyes.

He grew serious again. "I never meant to make you uncomfortable. Can we please still hang out?"

I gave a little nod and looked down at my coffee thinking for a minute. I didn't want to lose his friendship either, but I thought I needed to be crystal clear about where my head was right now.

"I've never really thought of you like that before." I winced realizing how that sounded.

"I mean," I paused. I wasn't really sure what I meant. "I'm not ready to date anyone," I finally said.

"I know that, Edward," he said quietly. "I do."

"Okay."

Things were a little awkward between us the first few times we got together after that, but eventually we fell right back into our easy friendship. I almost forgot he was harboring stronger feelings for me. Winter quarter ended and at my parents' urging, I agreed to go someplace warm for spring break instead of coming home to Forks. They wanted my college experience to be as authentic as possible. A lot of the guys were going to Puerto Vallarta, but I wasn't sure I was up for a big party scene. Besides, I was already going to Mexico with my parents for the summer. David invited me home for the week, and it turned out to be an ideal compromise.

We went to the beach every day where he tried, rather unsuccessfully, to teach me how to surf. We walked the pier at night, going out to eat at various restaurants. We went out dancing at the clubs, and on our last night there, when he pulled me close and kissed me, I kissed him back.

Once we were back in Seattle, things were different between us. We still did the same things and hung out with the same people, but sometimes he'd hold my hand, or I'd hold his. Instead of greeting each other with a hug or a kiss on the cheek, it'd be with a peck on the lips. And occasionally, we'd sink into the sofa next to each other and kiss long and languorously, our hands wandering down the other's chest, or slipping up to the back of the neck, soft hair through our fingers.

He never pushed for more and neither did I. I already felt, deep in my heart, that I was betraying Jasper, even though my head told me how ridiculous that was.

I started to notice things about him, how nice his smile was and how good he always smelled. As summer approached, the days grew warmer and on the occasional sunny day, we'd throw the Frisbee or play touch football, which inevitably ended with shirts removed and tackles to the grass. I laughed as he landed hard on top of me then stole a quick kiss before getting up and offering me a hand to pull me to my feet. I'd remember the weight of his body against mine and I'd feel the stirrings of desire in my belly. He caught me staring at him a few times and my face flushed when he wagged his eyebrows and winked at me.

The next time we were making out, he pushed me back and crawled over me, pressing his body down on mine. I could feel his arousal and my pulse quickened, an answering heat rushing through me. Our kisses became deeper and we moved against each other, desire flaring, hardness to hardness. Eventually, he stilled and rested his forehead on my shoulder, whispering that he had better go. After he left I stroked myself to orgasm, trying to image only David's face. As I came all over my stomach, confusing images danced before my mind's eye—brown eyes brightening to gold, tan skin changing to pale. When I fell asleep, I dreamt of a meadow and a velvet voice whispering poetry into my ear.

He took me to dinner and flirted with me all evening, brushing his leg against mine, teasing me with his eyes and his hands and his mouth. When we got back to my dorm room, it was only seconds before we were tearing each other's shirts off and crushing our lips together.

"Your roommate?" he panted, as he urged me down onto the bed with him.

"At his girlfriend's again," I answered, rolling over and pulling him on top of me.

Our hips ground against each other as our tongues slid together, tasting and exploring. We were all heat and want, whispered words of desire, soft moans and quickened heartbeats. I felt his movements becoming erratic as his hands gripped my shoulders and he buried his face in my neck. He cried out as he tensed above me and I gasped, arching up underneath him, finding my own release. He turned his head to mine and we kissed, long and deep.

After a few minutes he pulled back and leaned up on his elbows to look at me. His lips quirked up and then he snickered, there was no other word for it, then we were both laughing at ourselves for coming in our pants. He was still smiling as he looked down on me, one hand combing through my hair then resting against my cheek as his thumb ran lightly across my lips. He leaned over kissing me softly on my forehead, my cheeks, my jaw, running his nose against my face, whispering words of thanks, telling me how beautiful I was and how good I felt. I experienced a disconcerting moment of déjà vu, but pushed it aside, smiling back at him.

I asked him if he wanted to stay and his face lit up in a radiant smile. I lent him some pajama pants and we took turns cleaning up in the bathroom. I told him he could use my toothbrush and he told me I was disgusting, but then used it anyway. He fell asleep curled up around me, his arm encircling my waist, his forehead against my shoulder. I stayed awake far into the night, unable to sleep, my mind racing with thoughts I didn't want to be having.

In the morning I watched his smile fade as he took in my exhausted appearance. He was quiet over coffee and I made pointless conversation, trying to assure him that everything was all right.

We didn't see each other after that for several more days since finals were coming up and we both had papers to complete and studying to do. When we did, we didn't mention the other night and I'd catch him staring at me, an expression on his face I couldn't quite figure out.

After we turned in our final papers and took our last exam, we went to a party to celebrate the end of the school year. We walked back to my room at the end of the night, both a little drunk. We were standing in the middle of the room, laughing, making out with sloppy kisses. He tugged at my shirt, lifting it over my head, then covered my newly exposed skin with open mouth kisses, sucking on my nipples, walking around behind me and kissing the back of my neck. He pressed his erection against my backside and his arms circled around my stomach, rubbing soft circles on my skin. "God, you're so fucking sexy," he whispered in my ear as his fingers played with my nipples. I craned my neck to kiss him, our tongues darting into each other's mouths. His hand slid down to my waistband and started to undo the button on my jeans. I groaned as he reached down my pants to cup my erection beneath his hand.

"Is this okay?" he asked in a breathless voice as he stroked my cock through my underwear. I groaned in response, pushing my dick harder against his hand. As he touched me, mouth on my skin, pulling my body back against him, stroking me with his hand, I had another flash of a memory, a voice whispering in my ear, _"Let me make you feel good,"_ and _"I promise I won't run this time."_ I stiffened, a crushing wave of longing rushing through me.

David's movements stilled and I stood there, my heart pounding with a confusing mixture of desire and anxiety. I finally pulled away and fastened my pants back up, not able to look at him. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I don't think I can do this."

David came over and put his hands on my shoulders. "Hey, look at me," he said softly. I raised my eyes to his face and saw him smiling softly at me, even as his expression was overlaid with sadness. "It's okay, Edward. Really. We'll talk tomorrow, all right?" I nodded and he leaned in to kiss me on the check before saying, "Good night. I'll call you in the morning."

After he left, I sat on the edge of my bed, my head in my hands. David was great. He was everything I could ever want in a boyfriend. He was cute and nice and funny. And hot. My body reacted to his in very exciting ways. Plus he was a great friend. So why was I pulling back?

I already knew the answer, even if I didn't want to admit it: Jasper.

It wasn't that I still had hope that Jasper was coming back. I knew he was gone. But loving Jasper had changed me. Even though he said our relationship should never have happened, that it was wrong, I knew it had been the most right thing I would probably ever experience in my entire life.

With Jasper I had experienced love, deep and true, powerful and passionate. Nothing I had felt since then could possible compare to the richness and depth of my feelings for him. Nothing. I had been young; I had been naïve, but I had loved him with my whole heart, and I knew he had loved me that way too. It had been real. I knew it with the certainty of absolute truth.

I cared about David. I did. I even loved him. But not in the way that I should. Maybe I was condemning myself to a lifetime of loneliness, but I was slowly realizing that I was doing us both a disservice by trying to take our relationship further. David deserved someone who would love him the way I loved Jasper—fully, wholly, passionately. And I didn't want to settle for anything less than I knew was possible. Not anymore. Life was too short. I had felt it; I had lived it. I wanted it again, a love so stunning and wild that it could bring me to life, thrilling every inch of me from the tips of my toes to the top of my head.

I arranged to meet David for coffee in the morning. We got our drinks to go and took a walk. When we spotted a bench off by itself, we made our way over and took a seat. I sucked in a deep breath preparing to speak when David cut me off.

"I know you're not ready. I'll wait for you. However long it takes. I'll wait until you're ready." His face was sincere and I saw the shadow of desperation on it. He knew.

"David," I began.

"Wait. Not yet," he begged. Then he leaned over, pulling my face toward him with his hand against the back of my neck. He kissed me, deep and slow, lips moving, tongue sliding. I tasted salt after a moment and felt my own eyes tearing up.

Finally he pulled back and I reached over to wipe the dampness off his face.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "You know I care about you. But I'm still in love with him. It's not fair to you."

"I don't need fair," he protested, and I smiled gently.

"Yes. You do."

He pulled me to him and buried his face in my neck as his body shook with sobs. My own tears slid down my face and I kissed the top of his head, holding him tight.

We held hands as we walked back to campus. I kissed him again when we said goodbye, and we promised to email each other over the summer. When he left I flung myself face down on my bed and buried my face in my pillow, hoping I hadn't made the biggest mistake of my life.

-o-

I lay on my stomach listening to the sound of the ocean, feeling the heat beating down on my back. We had been in Mexico for a few weeks now, staying at a resort run by a couple my mom had been friends with in college. They had tried to get us to visit for years, but we had always had other plans. This summer my mom thought we should take things easy, hang with friends and laze on the beach. The resort was located about a half hour north of Troncones and we had plenty of opportunities to take short sight seeing trips to different parts of Mexico if we wanted.

Their season usually ran from November to May, so we had the place to ourselves. The restaurant and gift shop were closed, but they still had one of the couples who worked for them come in a few times a week to prepare meals and clean. We were staying in one of their air conditioned suites. My mom and dad had the large bedroom and I was sleeping on the pullout in the living room. My Godfather Daniel and his partner Alan were planning to join us for a week later in the summer. My mom was excited to finally meet their daughter Anna, who they had successfully adopted earlier in the year. They wished they could stay longer, but they had used up most of their leave after bringing Anna home.

The days seem to blend into each other in a haze of sun and sand. In the morning we'd get up and have coffee and pastries on the wide covered porch of the main building. We'd head down to the beach for a few hours, then come back for lunch and a siesta in the air conditioned suite. I usually went back to the beach in late afternoon. The others sometimes joined me, but more often I was alone. I liked to walk along the edge of the water, letting the waves pull the sand from underneath my feet. In the early evening we'd have cold drinks, and when the sun started going down, we'd eat dinner together, then sit around the table for hours afterwards, talking and laughing and drinking cocktails. My twentieth birthday had come and gone and we spent the day the same as all the others, with the exception of some cake and champagne after dinner. As I blew out the candles, I thought of Jasper and David and wished that they both might find happiness. My mom had reached over to give me a big hug, ruffling my hair and wondering aloud how her little baby had gotten so big.

I had plenty of time to think about both Jasper and David during the hours I spent on the beach, letting the sun soak into my skin. After some time away, I knew I had done the right thing breaking up with David. I would always care for him, but I would never love him the way that I had loved Jasper. I still couldn't think about Jasper without that painful ache, but I understood him better now. I didn't agree with the decisions he had made, and I still held onto considerable anger at him making the unilateral choice to leave as he did, but I really did think I finally understood.

I wondered what next year would be like. David had emailed and said that he was looking into transferring to school in California. I had though more about what I wanted to do with my future and law school was looking more and more promising. It had been a tough year and a half, but I was hopeful about the future.

"Where's Dad?" I asked the next morning as we all sat around having coffee.

"He doesn't feel well," my Mom said. "I think he's coming down with something."

"Oh no," Ava said. "Do you think he'll be up to coming with us tomorrow?"

They were planning a road trip to do some buying for the gift shop. Ava and her husband John stocked it with authentic Mexican handcrafted items—pottery and jewelry, textiles and clothing, and decorative household items. They usually spent part of the summer going to different cities and villages, shopping for items to stock the shop with. My mom and dad had talked about going with them for a few days and doing some sightseeing.

"I'm not sure. We'll see how he feels tomorrow. He's usually a big baby when he's sick, so I'm guessing we'll be staying here." She smiled fondly.

The next morning Dad was still feeling under the weather and Mom said she felt like she was coming down with it too. She called me in to their bedroom and asked me to let Ava and John know that they weren't feeling well and for them to go on without them.

"Can you bring us back something to drink, too, honey?"

"Sure Mom."

I let Ava know they were both staying in bed. She took some time to make sure I knew how to work everything in the kitchen, which frozen meals were easy to prepare, where the closest doctor was and where she kept the keys to the Jeep if we needed someone to take a look at them.

"I hate to leave while they're sick," she said, looking indecisive.

"I'll be here," I told her. "I can take care of them."

"You're such a good boy," she said, ruffling my hair with a grin and squeezing my face. I laughed.

"Okay, well Marta will be over Thursday if you need anything. We'll check in when we can, although I don't know how easy it will be. We're usually on the road quite a bit on these trips."

"We'll be fine. You guys be safe."

"Okay, honey. We'll see you in a week or two."

I took Mom and Dad some bottled water and a few cans of ginger ale I found in the kitchen then went down to the beach for a few hours. When I got back they were looking worse and had fevers running. I rummaged through the main building for their first aid and found some Tylenol to help get their temperatures down. Mom said she didn't think they could eat anything right now.

The next morning I woke up with a scratchy throat and by mid afternoon, I thought my head would explode. I brought some more drinks down to the suite and made sure they both took some more Tylenol. I was thinking if their fevers weren't down by night, I was going to have to find them a doctor. They looked really sick.

I was feeling worse by the minute myself. I decided I was going to lie down for a hour and check on them after I took a nap. I really felt like shit and my head was killing me. I knew I'd feel better if I could just rest for a little bit. I ripped my sweaty t-shirt off and collapsed on the pull-out before succumbing to exhaustion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 18 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/09/chapter-18-one-piece-of-your-heart.html)


	20. Chapter 19 - Everything That Is

**"But when I hold you I hold everything that is—  
sand, time, the tree of rain"**

_\- Pablo Neruda, "Sonnet VIII," l. 10-11_

* * *

**Chapter 19 – Everything That Is**

 

JPOV

I was reeling as I listened to Alice on the telephone. This could not be happening. I was brought back to that terrible night in Port Angeles when I answered the phone, expecting to hear Alice reminding me to buy cannoli for Bella, only to find out that Edward's life was hanging in the balance.

As she was describing her vision to me, I felt fear slowly stealing over me, like a paralyzing poison inside my veins. My mind could not comprehend. It simply wasn't possible that I could lose Edward before I even had the chance to see him again, before I could let him know how much I still loved him. How I had never stopped loving him.

"Jasper! I need you to listen to me," Alice was saying on the phone.

"I'm listening. Where are you now?" I asked.

"We're on the plane. We left Phoenix a few hours ago after our layover. I've been trying to reach you. The flight is another couple hours and maybe another forty-five minutes after we get the car. You need to head to Anchorage. There's a 9:30PM flight to Seattle that gets in at 1:55AM. We'll arrange a private charter to save you a few hours. Otherwise, you'd have to wait until 5:15AM to leave."

At her words, the fear clawed at my insides and I dropped to my knees. "A few hours?" I asked in a shaky voice. "Is it that serious a few hours could make a difference?" This could not be real.

"I don't know. I don't know!" The tone in her voice was rattling me. "I can't see what's going to happen. I'm… pretty sure we're going to be too late to save Ed, but I can't see what's going to happen with Elizabeth or with Edward. They're very sick, though. _Very_ sick. I can't see. I just don't know!"

"What's wrong with them? Alice? Tell me!" I was panicking.

Carlisle's voice came over the phone. "Jasper? Son?" I felt a slight lessening of my panic hearing his calm steady voice.

"I'm here."

"We don't know why they're sick. Alice can't see that, but I suspect it's the H1N1 influenza virus. There's an outbreak in Mexico from a new strain that's quickly reaching epidemic proportions. The CDC has been following it. There have been quite a few fatalities, especially with the development of a secondary infection. They're afraid it might become a pandemic before too long."

"Influenza?" I asked, shaken. People today worried less about such illnesses, especially with the wide availability of flu shots, but in my time as a human, I had seen many die from such a thing. Carlisle could sense my distress.

"He's a healthy young man, Jasper. I'm bringing what medical supplies I can, including antivirals. I promise you I'll do everything I can for them."

He paused before continuing. "I need to ask you something. I'm praying for the best. We'll know in a few short hours what we're dealing with, but in the event that he is seriously ill… that he's too far gone to treat… would you want me to turn him?"

My reaction was immediate and from the gut, "NO!" I cried out in anguish. He couldn't die. He couldn't.

"Son, please just think about it. I pray it won't come to that, but I want to at least be prepared for the possibility. Alice is almost certain we're going to lose Ed. I love you, son. And we've missed you. I know how difficult it's been for you, to be parted from your mate for so long. Can you accept that future? A future without Edward?"

"Carlisle," I could barely speak I was so overcome with emotions. "How could I ever condemn him to such an existence?" And yet… I wanted it. I shouldn't, but God help me, I did.

"I understand what you're feeling. I've told you how I struggled when Esme was brought to me, broken and bleeding. You know the decision I ultimately made. I want you to think about it for the next few hours. I don't know what kind of communication will be available once we land. In the event that we can't reach you once we're at the resort, I would want to know your wishes ahead of time."

"I'll think about it," I whispered.

"Good. I love you, son. We'll call you again in a few hours. If Alice sees anything new, we'll call before then. You won't be that far behind us. I love you."

"I love you too," I said before hanging up the phone.

How could the whole world be turned upside down in the space of minutes? I had barely had time to enjoy the return of hope before the threat of eternal darkness once again loomed. How could I not think of my existence as anything but cursed?

And now I was being asked to bare my secret shame. To raise it into the light, unveiled. Exposed. I was being encouraged to indulge in its reality, give legitimacy to my most loathsome desires. Carlisle would turn him for me, if I asked. I fought to tamp down the monstrous joy that threatened to overwhelm me.

I couldn't ask that, could I? I leaned my elbows on my knees, gripping my hair in fists.

When I had decided to return to Edward, I had not wanted to waste another minute without him. I had refused to think about the finite span of his short human life. I concentrated on what we would have together, if he would but let me back in, rather than what we would not. I knew, though, that I would again lose him one day, unless he were changed. I had pushed the thoughts aside, thinking that the question was better left to the future, after we had time to reconnect and he had come to fully understand my nature. I had thought these were questions we may one day answer together.

Now, it seemed, the future was already upon us and input from Edward would not be possible. I had hated my existence for so long. The others in my family, however, did not have the same self loathing that consumed me. Emmett and Carlisle rarely exhibited any negativity about our nature. Even Alice, with her unknown origins and horrific entry into vampirism, seemed to accept this life. Rosalie would likely be the strongest voice against turning Edward, yet she herself had chosen to bring Emmett to Carlisle rather than letting him die a human death. Esme, undoubtedly, would want a happy future for me with my mate.

If Edward were turned, would he despise me? Would the fiery conversion annihilate any love he had for me in a blazing conflagration? Would he be willing to accept the possibility of becoming a murderer? Carlisle had proved it was possible to survive solely on animal blood, but others he had sired had slipped at one time or another. Could I turn my beloved boy into a killer, risk the destruction of his soul, for my own selfish gain? How could I possibly answer these questions in the time allotted?

I rose from my knees and began to pack some belongings. I needed to find Tanya to thank her for everything she had done for me and let her know I was leaving. I needed to get to Anchorage.

-o-

I sat on the plane still in shock from my earlier conversation. My mind whirled with the dilemma placed before me. I still had not come to any conclusions about what I would tell Carlisle. He would be calling in just a short while to find out my decision. Through every moment, fear held its tight grip on my heart. Fear we'd be too late. Fear he would be turned. Fear he wouldn't. Would it be destroying him to save him? I didn't know. I simply didn't know.

I thought about Edward, possibly mortally ill, and I railed at myself with anger for staying away for so long. How could I bear it if he were to die before I had the chance to say goodbye? Before I could tell him I loved him. How could I bear never looking into those leafy green eyes again, seeing that pink blush on his magnolia skin? How had I ever stayed away? Every part of me ached to be by his side.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back letting images of my beautiful boy fill my mind. Would he be happy to see me? Could he possibly still love me? Shame filled me when I replayed Alice's words in my head. Edward's father was likely to die and I was worried about myself. Edward was going to need comfort and strength. I would be what he needed; I would support him through his grief. I would not burden him with my hopes, but would accept whatever he was willing to give. I refused to believe he could die.

When Carlisle called again I found I could not answer his question.

"I can't make that decision. I can't," I told him. "Has Alice seen anything else?"

"She sees me talking to Elizabeth."

"And Edward…" I couldn't even ask the question.

"Yes, son. Edward is still alive when we arrive."

The rigid tension in my body immediately eased. "Then we'll wait."

Carlisle sighed. He spoke softly: "She can't see what will happen. You're still quite a few hours behind us. What if…"

I cut him off. "That's not going to happen. He's not going to die before I get there. He won't."

I heard another sigh on the other end.

"Carlisle," I said before he could speak, desperation in my voice. "I can't."

"All right, son. We'll pray for the best."

The next hours were almost unbearable as I traveled to my precious boy. I hadn't heard from Carlisle or Alice again, so I assumed they were unable to communicate from where they were. They should have reached the resort by now. I drove myself half crazy imagining what they would find on arrival.

Was refusing to choose actually giving an answer by default? I knew if it came down to it, Carlisle would make the decision I had been unable to make. And he would choose to turn Edward, to give me my mate for eternity, as he had for himself and for Rosalie. Maybe I was a coward for refusing to decide. I couldn't bear for him to die, yet I couldn't bear to think of him despising me for the rest of our days. Would he still hate me, for abdicating the burden of the decision to someone else, someone whose choice I already knew? Would he wish I had been strong enough to let him die? I shut my eyes in pain, still unable to fully comprehend such a reality.

Finally the plane touched down at the Ixtapa/Zihuatanejo airport. I impatiently waited for the car Carlisle had arranged, grateful for his foresight to keep me out of the hot Mexican sun. Every inch of the road toward Troncones seemed a mile, every minute an hour. After what seemed like an eternity, I pulled up to the resort. Before I was even out of the car, Alice was bounding down the lane. She threw herself in my arms and we hugged each other tightly.

"We lost Elizabeth early this morning," she said, not wasting any time updating me. "Edward is still very ill. Oh Jasper, I've missed you so much."

"Me too," I gave her a tight squeeze before setting her back on her feet. "Please. Take me to him."

She took me by the hand, leading me to the building. Esme was waiting inside. She pulled me into her arms, whispering how much she loved me and how much they had missed me, then led me to Edward's room.

I barely registered Carlisle's presence; my eyes were immediately drawn to Edward. I stopped abruptly inside the doorway, in shock at his appearance. He was asleep, his face pale with an unhealthy flush on his cheeks. His skin was covered with a sheen of sweat and he stirred restlessly, incomprehensible murmurs coming from his lips. The room smelled of sickness and death.

I made my way to his bedside, drawn like a magnet, that irresistible pull still in place after all this time. I reached over to touch his forehead and comb the sweaty locks of hair away from his face. My fingers burned as I touched his fevered skin. Even through the sickness I could see he had changed. He was older now, and had grown from a boy to a man. His face had lost its youthful roundness, and was all sharp angles—prominent cheekbones and square jaw. His body had filled out as well. His shoulders were broader and although slender, he looked muscular and strong. He was still so beautiful.

As I heard the beat of his heart, a wave of emotion swept over me so strongly that I swayed, gripping the edge of the mattress to keep from falling. All my empty spaces, the cold, dark hollow places inside of me were flooded with warmth and life. How had I ever left him? It seemed incomprehensible that I had once walked away from my beloved boy, my only love. My heart. Never would I leave him again.

I was finally home.

I leaned over to place my lips against his forehead, softly kissing his fevered brow. "It's me, Edward. It's Jasper. I'm here." I said softly, although I knew he couldn't hear me. "I'm sorry for leaving you. Please… please forgive me." I knelt on the floor and rested my head on the edge of the bed, my shoulders shaking with silent sobs. The relief I felt that he was still alive was overwhelming, and the joy of seeing him again, even in this sickness-ravaged condition, was staggering.

After a few moments I felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder and his quiet strength comforted me. I stood and was embraced in his loving arms.

"It's so good to see you, son."

"You too, Carlisle." I hadn't realized just how much I had missed my family until now. "Is it influenza? Is he… will he survive?"

"Yes, it's the H1N1 virus. Ed was already gone before we even got to him." I could feel his sorrow, heavy in the air. "At some point he made it outside and collapsed. We think he may have been trying to get to the Jeep to seek help. He became severely dehydrated in the heat and combined with a secondary infection of viral pneumonia, he didn't have a chance. I'm not sure we could have turned it around for him even if we had gotten here sooner."

"And Elizabeth?" I asked. I felt another pang of grief.

"I was able to speak with her before she passed. We can talk about that a little later. Right now, the critical task is to get Edward's fever down. He's on antivirals and I have the IV running to keep him hydrated. But his temperature is still dangerously elevated. His lungs don't sound too bad for now, but he could take a turn for the worse at any time. It's going to be touch and go for the next twenty-four hours."

"Thank you." I was grateful to him for dropping everything to get to Edward, even before they were able to contact me.

"I'm going to leave you alone with Edward for a while. I won't be far. Call for me at any time if you notice the slightest negative change. I'll be right there."

I nodded in acknowledgement, my eyes already returning to my beloved boy.

I put my hand to his forehead again, my worry growing anew at the intense heat. I stroked his cheek and caught my breath when he turned his face into my palm. For a moment I imagined he knew it was me, his body instinctively moving towards mine as mine did to his. Then I realized my cool skin must be giving him relief.

Without examining too closely what I was about to do, I stripped my clothes from my body down to my underwear, carefully removed Edward's damp t-shirt from over his head, and climbed into the bed with him.

I pulled him close to me, gently wrapping him in my arms. Our chests were pressed against each other, and I moved my legs so that they would be in contact with as much of his skin as possible through the fabric of his lounge pants. I rested my cheek against his face and took in a deep breath, filling my lungs with the scent I had craved for so long. The beat of his heart pulsed through me and I trembled with emotion, so unbearably grateful to have the opportunity to hold him like this, close to my heart.

My hand gently stroked up and down his back and through the silken hair at the nape of his neck. I wanted to touch every inch of him, soothe his aching body and cool his heated flesh. Never in my existence had I cause to feel grateful for my monstrous nature, but now, as I sought to ease the suffering of my precious boy, I thanked whatever gods that may exist for my icy skin. If it could bring down Edward's fever and help him survive this terrible illness, I would cease to regard it with repulsion and disgust.

As we lay there, Edward's restlessness began to abate and I felt him sigh against my neck, his warm breath a caress across my skin. My eyes fluttered closed in pleasure and I lay there, letting the jumble of emotions I was feeling settle into coherence—grief, worry, joy, relief, and strongest of all, love.

After a few hours, I could feel Edward's breathing change to the rhythm of restful sleep. I softly called Carlisle's name as I slid from the bed, being careful not to disturb my beloved boy, and put my clothes back on. He entered the room just as I finished getting dressed and walked to the bed to check on Edward. I saw his slight smile as he felt Edward's forehead, and he turned to me nodding.

"Good, good. He's still got a fever, but the temperature is down and he's getting some rest. Why don't you take a break? Come take a walk with me and I'll have Esme stay with him for a bit."

After finally being back by Edward's side, I could hardly bear the thought of having him out of my sight.

Esme entered the room as I was deliberating over Carlisle's suggestion. "I know he wants to talk to you, Jasper," Esme said. "I promise we'll come get you immediately if there's any change."

I reluctantly indicated my agreement. My eyes lingered on Edward as we left the room.

We went down to the beach and walked side by side at water's edge.

"I wanted to talk to you about Elizabeth," Carlisle said after a few moments.

I hadn't given myself much time to think about Edward's parents; I had been too consumed with worry for him. Grief filled me as I remembered his mother pulling me into her arms, as if I were her own child. Edward was going to be devastated.

"She told me before she died that she had made a mistake," he continued.

"A mistake?"

"Yes. About you."

I stopped walking and looked at him curiously.

"She told me that you talked with her, before you decided to leave."

I nodded. I had just been thinking about that day, about her warm arms around me, comforting me as I made the choice I thought best to protect Edward.

"She said she should have tried harder to persuade you to stay. That she didn't understand, then."

"Didn't understand what?"

"How much you and Edward loved each other. She thought Edward would eventually get over you; he was so young."

Pain shot through my chest. I had thought the same at the time. We started walking again.

"She begged me to take care of him after she was gone. To look out for him. He has no other family. Both Ed and Elizabeth were only children. He has his godfather, but he and his partner have their own child now and live far away. I told her that of course I would."

I nodded.

"She also asked me to try and bring you home."

I stopped and looked at him again.

"Why?" I asked.

"She said that you and Edward were meant to be together. She didn't realize how deeply his feeling ran, but he was never the same after you left."

Guilt flooded me.

"Elizabeth said that he tried to move on and pretend he was fine, but she knew. She was his mother and she knew. He never stopped loving you. She said whatever it was in your past that was keeping you from Edward, to tell you it didn't matter. That love is all that matters in the end."

Her words reminded me of Tanya. I tried not to let the hope that was rising in my chest get too strong. Edward may still love me, but would he be able to forgive me?

"I'm home for good, Carlisle. I won't leave him again."

He clasped my shoulder. "Good."

We continued walking for a while, enjoying each other's company in silence.

As we were returning to the resort, we saw Alice running down the beach, calling out to us.

"He's getting worse. He's feverish again, and he's calling for you, Jasper."

We traversed the distance to the building in seconds and I ran to his room, my heart in my throat.

Edward had kicked the sheet off and was tossing and turning on the bed while Esme tried to calm him. His face was flushed a deep red again and he was covered in sweat.

"Jasper… don't leave me," he was crying. "Please… don't leave."

My heart was breaking, although I noted that on some level, he must recognize I was here. It was small comfort.

I quickly stripped my clothes again and crawled into bed, cradling him against me.

"Shhh, shhh," I spoke softly in his ear. "I'm here. I love you. I'll never leave you again. I'm here."

His agitated movements calmed as I held him close, and I continued to talk to him, telling him how much I cared for him, how much I had missed him, how beautiful he was to me. How he made me whole again.

Every time I stopped speaking, he would become restless again, so I kept up a constant stream of talk for the next few hours, telling him all about my time in Alaska, about the ice and the taiga and Denali and the view from the Edge of the World. I told him about all the things that had run through my mind and how the thoughts that were always strongest were thoughts of him. When I ran out of things to say, I recited poetry to him, poems we had read together, new ones that made me think of him. And all the while, I held his fevered body close to mine, trying to cool his heated form.

The worry had returned in full force now as his temperature remained elevated, even with the medication and my efforts to cool him. He became restless again, calling out for his mother. I shut my eyes against the grief I felt, knowing the pain he would feel if… when he pulled through.

Carlisle came in to talk to me. "Have you thought any more about what you will do if he continues to worsen?" he asked.

"Of course I've thought about it. I still don't have an answer. How could I do that to him? Yet I cannot lose him. He must live, Carlisle. He must."

"I think you should talk to Esme. Ask her how she felt when she realized what she had become. What I had made her into. She might be able to give you some fresh insights. Go on. I'll stay with Edward."

He could sense my obvious reluctance to leave Edward's side again.

"Go, son. I won't leave him. I promise. I'll call for you if there's any change at all."

I finally did as he asked and retrieved my clothing again. I leaned over to kiss Edward's head one more time before leaving the room. He was so sick.

I found Esme on the covered porch looking out at the ocean.

"Carlisle suggested that I talk to you. About when you were turned," I added.

"Come sit with me," she said, indicating the chair next to her.

Once I was seated she turned and smiled at me. "You know the story of the condition in which Carlisle found me, don't you?"

"I do." Esme had jumped from a cliff after the death of her newborn baby. Her body was broken and bleeding and she was close to death.

"What I rarely talk about is how much I hated Carlisle for turning me."

I took in a surprised breath. That was my most dreaded fear. I couldn't think. What would I do? I stood up and started pacing, my mind racing wildly. He had to get better.

"Wait. Jasper. Listen," Esme said, rising to take my hand and guide me back to my seat.

"I was mad with grief," she continued. "My son… my baby…" I could feel the emotions pouring from her. They were still strong after so many years. She paused to collect herself.

"I wanted nothing more than to join him. To be with him forever. I thought if I could die too, our souls would find each other in the afterlife. Carlisle took that from me. He took me from my beloved child. So, yes, I hated him for a very long time."

"What changed?" I asked. Their love for each other was deep and true. I had felt it many times.

"Time changed things. Over time I began to see what a good and kind man Carlisle was. He loved me; I could tell. And I began to love him. Who could not, after all?" A small smile graced her face, one of devotion and commitment and true happiness. "And eventually, I forgave him. Then more joined our family—my daughters, my sons." She reached over to squeeze my hand. "My heart is full. I could never bear to leave my family now. In time I also grew to realize that I never truly lost my son. He's here," she said, placing her fist against her heart. "In my heart. He always will be."

I understood, to some degree. "But what of the lives you yourself have taken? Did you hate him for that as well?"

"Not in the same way," she answered. I know that is part of our nature, an aspect of who we are. We can choose to live differently, but the instinct can be difficult to overcome. For that, I had to learn how to forgive myself."

Esme turned to face me, taking both my hands in hers. "Edward will forgive you." She leaned over to kiss my forehead then stood up. "I'll be inside," she said, leaving me to my thoughts.

I walked down to water's edge and stared out over the ocean. Here I was, back in Mexico, facing another life changing choice. I never expected to return here, the home of my earliest dark nights. I wondered where Maria was now. Undoubtedly masking her activities in the drug trade; it's what I would do. I shuddered at how easily I slipped back into a military mindset.

No, that was my past. Those dark times were over. That life of violence and hatred and territorial disputes was no longer my future. I had a family. I had love. And God willing, I would have Edward. He would survive this illness and we would make the decision about the remainder of our days together.

I was already becoming anxious again, being away from him for so long. I knew my musing could be nothing but wishful thinking, but the possible reality was too painful to contemplate.

Carlisle looked up as I entered and I studied his face closely trying to get a read on his mood.

"There's been no change?"

"No, none."

"I'm going to lie with him again. It seemed to help," I said with a question in my voice.

"It did," Carlisle answered with a smile. "I'll be down the hall with Esme. Call me if you need me."

"Thank you Carlisle."

I stripped once more and took my beautiful boy back into my arms, back where he belonged. I spoke to him again, telling him all my fears, my secret longings, the reasons I had run and the reasons I returned. I told him all about my nature, the pain it had caused me, the monstrous self-loathing it had engendered. I promised I would never hide anything from him again. When his restlessness increased and his body burned like a raging fire, I begged him to live. I begged him to give me another chance. I begged him to stay with me and let me love him for the rest of my days. I stroked his heated flesh with my cool fingers, wrapped my icy form around him and prayed he would make it through the night.

After several nerve-wracking hours, I thought I detected a drop in his temperature. I called for Carlisle, unable to trust my own senses. He felt Edward's skin and agreed.

"If it continues to fall, he may yet turn the corner," he said, and I closed my eyes against the surge of hope that rocketed through me.

As the night progressed I felt his skin growing cooler. His fitful tossing and turning settled into more restful sleep. I could feel his pain subsiding. I pressed my lips one more time against his temple, closing my eyes tightly as I whispered words of gratitude to the universe, then I rose from his bed to re-dress. When he woke up, I didn't want him to find me lying naked in his bed.

When he woke up… just the thought filled me with relief and joy. I stood by his bedside, gently brushing his hair away from his forehead, reveling in the warmth that was his human skin, rather than a raging fever. As I smiled down at my beautiful boy I heard the change in breathing that signaled he was about to awaken and I was suddenly nervous.

His eyelids fluttered open, revealing his leafy green eyes. After a moment of confusion they settled on my face.

"Jasper?" he whispered, and I felt the surprise, love and happiness radiating from him. I would have wept were I able.

"Yes, it's me. How are you feeling?"

"Where am I?" he asked looking around the room. "What are you doing in Mexico?" he asked next as he comprehended his surroundings. The love was still there, but now I felt uncertainty, and hurt. And an underlying anger. I was saddened by the protective defenses I could feel going up. It was to be expected, of course. I hoped to earn back his trust, but for now, more serious matters needed to be addressed.

"Your family became ill. Carlisle flew down to treat you." As I began the explanation, Carlisle entered the room.

"Let me speak with Edward alone, Jasper." I nodded in acknowledgement. Edward's feelings toward me were chaotic and unsettled. He didn't need the distraction when he heard the news of his parents.

"We'll talk later," I said to Edward before adding, "I'm home for good."

I saw something flash in his eyes, but I couldn't make out its meaning. I could feel his eyes on me as I exited the room.

I hadn't gone far before I felt the crippling grief coming from his room. The urge to run right back to comfort him was strong, but I knew now wasn't the time. I felt my knees buckling under the weight of his agony and I leaned against the wall for support. Esme rushed past me to Edward's room while Alice hurried to my side. I let her pull me to a seat and I leaned against her as she wrapped her arms around me.

The following morning I knocked on Edward's door and asked if I could come in. Carlisle had suggested that I give Edward a little time before speaking with him again. I had agreed, but it hadn't stopped me from entering his room while he slept, listening to the reassuring beat of his heart, and studying the features of the face I loved. I had missed him so much.

"I'm sorry about your parents," I told him as I took a seat next to his bed. He would be recovering for many days yet.

He nodded then turned his head away from me, facing the wall.

I shut my eyes, discouraged, but decided to plow ahead anyway. He had enough to deal with right now. I didn't want him questioning why I was here or whether I would be leaving again.

"I know this isn't the best time," I began. "But I wanted you to know that I was already coming home, before I even found out you were ill. I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me, but I hope you'll give me the chance to show you how much I still love you."

His face was still turned away from me, but I could hear his heart racing.

"I never stopped loving you, Edward. I missed you every second I was away, and I'm so sorry. I won't ever leave you again."

I had hoped for some sort of response, but he still wouldn't look at me. I could feel his many conflicting emotions.

"I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I wanted you to know. I came back for you."

I waited a few more minutes, but when he showed no sign of speaking, I stood up, my heart heavy.

"Well," I said hesitantly. "I'll let you get your rest." I waited for a moment then turned for the door. I heard the bed creak and he was gripping my wrist, stopping me.

"No, wait. Stay," he said.

Hope once again swelled in my chest and I gave him a grateful smile as I sat back down.

"Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 19 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/10/chapter-19-everything-that-is.html)


	21. Chapter 20 - A Heaven of Blackred Roses

**"if there are any heavens my mother will (all by herself) have  
one. It will not be a pansy heaven nor  
a fragile heaven of lilies-of-the-valley but  
it will be a heaven of blackred roses"**

_\- e.e. cummings, "XLIII," l. 1-4_

* * *

**Chapter 20 – A Heaven of Blackred Roses**

 

EPOV

I didn't want to wake up. In my dreams Jasper was holding me again, touching me, kissing me, telling me how much he loved me, what a mistake he had made leaving me. It was everything I had always dreamed of him saying. I could feel his love, cocooning me in a warm embrace. It felt so real that I couldn't bear for it to end. I fought against my growing consciousness as I drifted half asleep, half awake, doing my best to stay in my dreams, to stay with Jasper. Soon, though, I could sense the daylight behind my eyelids and reluctantly opened my eyes.

Where was I? This wasn't my room. As I took in my unfamiliar surroundings, my eyes rested on the face I had dreamed about for so long. He was here. My heart lurched with joy, my love for him surging through me like an electric shock.

"Jasper?" I tried to say, but it only came out as a whisper.

"Yes, it's me. How are you feeling?" he answered, the sound of his voice so beautiful after far too long. God, I had missed him. Seeing him here and the feelings that were running through me only reminded me of just how much I had ached for him while he had been gone. Was this real or was I still dreaming?

I didn't want to tear my eyes away from his face for even a second, but I was so confused. I looked around the room.

"Where am I?" I asked. As I took in the bright tile floor and colorful wall hangings I recognized the resort we had been staying at. But I wasn't on the pullout; I was in a bed. I grew even more confused. What was Jasper doing here? I was overjoyed to see him again, especially as I had started to accept he was out of my life forever, but what did it mean? I didn't understand.

"What are you doing in Mexico?" I asked. How did he even find me? Suddenly all the hurt and anger I had tucked away came rushing to the surface, the feelings just as fresh as they had been the day he left. How could he have walked out on me like that? And did he think he could just show up after all this time, like nothing had ever happened?

"Your family became ill," he said. My confusion began to clear up as I remembered my parents coming down with a bug, and then me starting to feel poorly and going to lie down for a nap. And after that… after that I only had vague impressions of burning with fever, being cared for, reassuring voices in my ear, cool compresses on my skin. I wondered how long we had been sick. "Carlisle flew down to treat you," he continued, and as he spoke, Dr. Cullen himself entered the room.

An uneasy feeling was growing in my chest. If I had been that sick, why wasn't my mom at my bedside? Why was Jasper here instead?

"Let me speak with Edward alone, Jasper," Dr. Cullen said.

Jasper nodded then turned to me saying, "We'll talk later." He added, "I'm home for good," and my heart did that funny lurch thing again, filling with a hope I had never expected, while at the same time, afraid to hope. A feeling of déjà vu came over me as I watched him leave the room. I felt a pang of dismay, remembering the last time he had walked away from me, a situation much the same as this, me lying in a bed recovering.

I kept my thoughts on Jasper and what his presence here could mean, the dread growing within me. If I could focus on something else, I wouldn't have to wonder where my parents were, or why Dr. Cullen was here in Mexico.

"Edward," he began, and I shut my eyes against what I knew was coming. I felt his hand rest gently on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, son. Your parents didn't make it. The H1N1 influenza virus has become an epidemic in Mexico and all three of you contracted it. Coupled with pneumonia and dehydration, there was nothing I could do for Ed and Elizabeth by the time we got here. Since you were the last to fall ill, the antivirals were able to help at least to some extent in your case."

I was hearing him speak, understanding the words coming out of his mouth, but at the same time not comprehending what he was saying. It couldn't be true. Any minute my mother was going to walk through the door to check on me. She was going to hug me and ruffle my hair and tell me how worried they had been. She was going to bring me some cold ginger ale and put on my favorite DVDs and wait on me and pamper me silly, and I'd act all embarrassed at her babying me, while secretly loving it.

I stared at the door during the heavy silence that followed Dr. Cullen's words, but no one walked through.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," he repeated.

Crushing grief crashed down over me, like a suffocating weight on my chest. I turned away from him and curled into a ball on the bed, deep sobs tearing through me. Dead. My parents were dead. Both of them. Gone forever. I wanted so hard for this to be a bad dream, but I could feel the truth of things in my gut. That old black hole opened back up inside me, but this time it was a hundred times worse. There was nothing but pain and sadness, holding me in its terrible grip.

I felt cool fingers in my hair and the dip of the mattress beside me as someone climbed onto the bed with me. Soft comforting words filled my ears, a motherly voice of sympathy, but the voice was wrong, and no words could help, and the arms holding me weren't the arms I wanted around me. I would never feel those arms around me again.

I don't know how long I cried. I was numb inside. Esme continued to sit with me and offer comfort. For a long time, I didn't even register the words she was speaking, but eventually, they began to seep into my consciousness. She murmured that she and Dr. Cullen had promised my mother they would look out for me; I would always have a home with them. She, for a long time now, already thought of me as a son. She understood my pain, the pain of losing someone you loved with all your heart. She knew how much I was hurting and I wasn't alone. I wouldn't be alone. She was here for me, and Carlisle was, and their entire family. I wouldn't have to go through this alone.

Exhaustion finally took over and I succumbed to sleep, overwhelmed by this new reality.

When I woke up my eyes were all puffy and scratchy from the crying I had done last night. I felt myself tearing up again as I thought about my mom and dad. I wanted nothing more than for my mother to come hold me and tell me everything was going to be all right. Only one of a myriad of things that was never going to happen again.

I heard the door open and Dr. Cullen entered the room.

"Hey there. I just wanted to check and see how you're doing." He walked over to the bed and placed his hand against my forehead. His cold fingers made me flinch.

"Not too bad, but you're running a fever again." He shook some pills out of the bottles on the bedside table and handed them to me along with a bottle of water. "Here, take these."

I unscrewed the cap from the water and swallowed the pills, grateful for any task that would distract me from thoughts of my parents.

"You're over the worst of it, but it's going to take some time for you to recover. I want you to try and get some more rest, okay?" he asked.

I nodded. I felt drained, my body battered and sore. The emotional stress of the day had taken its toll.

"Do you want someone to stay with you, or would you rather be alone?"

"Do you…" I swallowed and paused, trying to regain my composure. I tried again. "Do you think Esme would mind sitting with me?" I asked. Thoughts of having Jasper comfort me had fleetingly crossed my mind, but there was too much unsettled between us right now.

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all," he said with a kind smile. "I'll go get her. Goodnight, Edward."

"Night."

A moment later Esme entered the room. I gave her a small smile and she returned it. We didn't speak as she moved to sit on the edge of my bed next to me. I shut my eyes as I felt her fingers gently running through my hair. She started humming softly, a soothing melody. If I tried hard enough, I could pretend the fingers in my hair were the ones I remembered. Tears escaped from my closed lids and slid down my face as I eventually drifted back to sleep.

Dr. Cullen came to check on me in the morning and seemed pleased with my progress.

"I want you to stay in bed for today," he said. "Maybe tomorrow you can take a short walk and sit out on the porch. How does that sound?"

"That sounds fine." I didn't feel much like doing anything anyway.

"Are you up to any visitors today?" he asked, and I knew he meant Jasper.

Why did he have to come back now, when things were so fucked up? I wasn't sure I could deal with all the emotions surrounding his return on top of what I was going through with losing my parents. I fought back the tears that threatened again.

At the same time, as soon as thoughts of Jasper being right here in Mexico—in the same building—came into my mind, my stomach jumped with anticipation.

"Yeah, I'm up for it."

I ate a little of the food Esme brought then dozed off and on for a bit. Even though I was still exhausted, I had a hard time falling back asleep. I was too nervous about seeing Jasper again.

Finally, I heard a knock on the door and Jasper's voice asking if he could enter.

I drank him in as he walked toward the bed. He looked exactly the same—soft tawny curls, golden eyes, broad shoulders. His movements were graceful as he sat down in the chair at my bedside. Fucking beautiful. I couldn't tear my eyes away.

"I'm sorry about your parents," he said to me and his expression was so sorrowful and compassionate that I was only able to nod before closing my eyes and turning my head away, lest I throw myself in his arms and beg him for comfort.

I could almost feel his disappointment in my response, but I didn't know how to react to his unexpected appearance.

"I know this isn't the best time," he began speaking again. "But I wanted you to know that I was already coming home, before I even found out you were ill. I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me, but I hope you'll give me the chance to show you how much I still love you."

My heart started pounding as he said all the things I had dreamed about for so long. Was it true? Had he really decided to come back to me? I desperately wanted to believe him, but I didn't know if I could trust his words.

What he said next hit me hard.

"I never stopped loving you. I missed you every second I was away, and I'm so sorry. I won't ever leave you again."

I wanted to turn toward him and have him hold me close, feel his body against mine again and know in my gut he was here to stay. I felt so lost and alone without my mom and dad, and if I could just have Jasper back then maybe I could get through this.

Grief threatened to overwhelm me again as I thought about my parents. Why did they have to die? I wanted his comfort; I wanted it. And I resented him for showing up now and making me want it. I wanted to hit him and punch him and let him know how badly he had hurt me when he left. I wanted to ask him all the questions I had tortured myself with on long lonely nights. How could he leave me if he loved me? Why did he stay away so long?

I wanted to touch him, feel his skin against mine. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and never let him go.

What would happen if I did let him back into my heart again? What if he left again? I still didn't know all the reasons he had gone before. What if nothing had changed? How would I be able to survive his leaving for a second time, without the support of my family? How could I possibly risk that?

"I know we still have a lot to talk about, but I wanted you to know. I came back for you."

 _I came back for you_. The words resonated in my head. I let them sink in, tying not to latch too tightly onto the hope they gave me. All the "what ifs" were too prominent in my brain.

"Well," Jasper said as he rose hesitantly, "I'll let you get your rest."

I felt a sharp pang in my chest as he turned to leave. Was I really going to let him walk out that door? I was angry, yes, and wary, and my emotions were a jumbled mess of confusion and grief. But I loved him. I had never stopped loving him. And he was here, and he said he wanted to be with me, and he was sorry.

The bottom line was that I had missed him so goddamn much, and I needed him right now. I couldn't bear to have him walk away from me.

In a panicked move, I quickly lunged towards his retreating body, grabbing his wrist to stop him.

"No, wait. Stay."

He turned and gave me a small smile as he sat back down. He looked sad.

"Always."

I desperately wanted it to be true.

Uncomfortable silence filled the room. His eyes were trained on my hand that still grasped his wrist. I released it and pulled my arm back to the bed. He stared at the spot where it had lain against his skin. I took the chance to study his features, my gaze roving hungrily over his beautiful face. He looked exactly as I remembered, almost completely unchanged. How could that be when it felt like an eternity had passed?

I felt a wave of longing pass through me. He was really here, after all this time.

"I missed you," I said, breaking the silence, a catch in my voice.

His golden eyes rose to stare into mine.

"I missed you too. You have no idea."

The anger that lay right under the surface surged forward. "You're right. I have no idea." He hadn't contacted me even once after he'd left me. And now he just shows up out of the blue, making declaration and promises…

His expression shifted into remorse. "I'm sorry, Edward. I wish I could convey to you just how sorry I am. I thought I was doing the right thing by going away. I only wanted to protect you. There are things I never told you… things I hid from you…" he trailed off.

He took a deep breath. "I won't hide anything from you ever again. I want you to know everything. You can ask me anything, and I'll answer you as best I can. Please believe me when I tell you that I never wanted to hurt you; it was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I love you. I'm back for good and I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust again. I don't want to live without you anymore. Please, please give me another chance."

This was too much. The things he was saying were things I wanted to hear, but I couldn't deal with this right now. I couldn't process it all.

"Can we please talk about this later?" I asked.

He looked stricken and I swiftly clarified my meaning. "I'm not blowing you off, Jasper. I want to know. And I'm glad you're back," my stomach flipped as this understatement left my lips. "I just can't do this right now."

I could feel my face crumpling as my grip on my composure began to slip. It was all too much.

"Do you… do you want me to leave?"

I shook my head as my eyes filled with tears.

"No. Can you please maybe just sit with me for a bit?"

"Whatever you need, Edward. I'm not going anywhere."

I nodded in acknowledgement and shut my eyes as the tears began to escape. I turned my face into the pillow and cried softly, feeling overwhelmed, until I gradually dropped off to sleep.

I dozed off an on throughout the day. Jasper was there every time I woke up. We didn't talk much, but it was nice having his presence in the room. He was still there when I fell asleep that night.

Again he was by my bedside when I woke up the next morning. My heart filled with warmth as his beautiful face was the first thing I saw after opening my eyes. I smiled automatically and he gave me soft smile in return before asking how I was feeling.

"Better, I think."

"I'm going to get Carlisle. Can I get you anything?" he asked.

"Some water?"

"Okay. I'll be right back."

After Dr. Cullen checked on me, Jasper came back in to sit with me.

"Carlisle said you can get out of bed for a bit today, if you feel up to it."

"Can we maybe have some coffee out on the porch?"

"Sure. Let me go ask Esme to put some on, and I'll be right back."

I used the bathroom while I was waiting for Jasper. I really needed a shower. I felt disgusting, but my legs were weak and I wasn't sure I could stand long enough for one yet.

Jasper came back and walked with me out to the porch. He stayed close, almost hovering, as if he were afraid I was going to collapse at any second. It actually wasn't far from the truth. I was exhausted by the time we made it outside and sunk gratefully into a chair.

Esme came out a few minutes later with a tray of coffee and pastries. I thanked her and gave a small start when she smiled back at me. I had never noticed before, but she had the same unusually colored eyes that Jasper, Alice and Dr. Cullen had. Was that even possible? Maybe they wore contact lenses.

I mused on the strange Cullen eye phenomenon while I sipped my coffee. I supposed I could ask Jasper; he did say I could ask him anything. Inwardly, I rolled my eyes at myself. If I was going to be asking Jasper questions, perhaps I should be asking the important ones instead.

I looked out over the ocean, watching the waves breaking on the sand. We had started our day like this so many times before over the summer. If I shut my eyes, I could almost hear my mom and dad discussing plans for the day while Ava and John talked about the upcoming season or the recent buying trip they had taken. That black ache in my stomach began to spread again and my throat grew tight. I sat up, suddenly wondering if anyone had been able to reach them to tell them what happened.

As I thought about the need to get in touch with them, I was reminded of an earlier question I never got answered.

"Jasper, what are you doing in Mexico? How did Dr. Cullen know to fly down here? Did my parents call him when they realized how sick we all were?"

He didn't answer right away. When I looked over at him, I thought he looked nervous.

"Jasper?"

"Alice had a vision," he finally said.

"A vision?"

"Yes."

I gave a little laugh. "What? Like she saw the future or something."

He wasn't laughing back. "Something like that."

"No, seriously," I said with disbelief in my voice. The way he was acting, though, made me think he wasn't joking at all.

"I told you I wasn't going to hide anything from you ever again. Alice is… gifted."

"So she can see the future?" I didn't know what to think about what he was telling me.

"Sometimes."

"And she saw… what? My parents getting sick? Me getting sick?"

He nodded.

"Why would she have visions of us?" I asked, still not sure I believed what he was telling me.

"I asked her to look out for you," he told me.

"You asked her to look out for me?" I repeated back, stupidly.

"Yes."

I digested this information. He left me, but he asked his sister to keep an eye on me, his sister who apparently had magical powers or something. I felt a slight easing of my underlying anger. This was something I could hold on to, something that proved he didn't just run off and forget about me. This whole predicting the future thing, though, that might take a little more digesting.

"How does it work? Does she think about me and see what's going to happen next?"

"I should let her explain it to you," he answered.

"She's here?" I don't know how that fact escaped me until now.

"Yes, Alice flew here with Carlisle and Esme. Let me go find her."

He got up and went into the building as I sat pondering this strange development.

Alice came out a short time later and leaned over to give me a hug. Her face was so cool against my cheek.

"It's so good to see you feeling better," she said in my ear. "We were all very worried."

She pulled back away from me. "I'm so sorry about your parents."

At the mention of them my eyes started to tear up again. I swallowed thickly. "Thank you."

She nodded. "I'm sorry we didn't get here sooner. I didn't know…"

"So it's true?" I asked. "You had a vision about us? You saw us in the future?" I was examining her face closely, remembering how at times I thought she looked almost otherworldly, ethereal.

"Yes."

"And you saw us getting sick? Did you know they were going to…" my voice broke as I tried to get the question out.

"No, not right away. I wasn't sure. It's not exact. The future can change in an instant."

How I knew that to be true.

She continued, "Someone changes his mind and everything is suddenly different. I wasn't certain any of you were going to survive."

"Jasper says you've been looking out for me. What did he mean? Did you look at my future?"

"Sometimes. But mostly, I just tried to be your friend."

"You are my friend." She had been there for me so many times at school.

"I am. I want you to know something. Jasper was already coming home to you. Before he learned about the flu. I felt it, the minute he made the decision; I felt his entire future shift. I wanted you to know that."

"He told me."

"Do you believe him?" she asked.

"I think so." It didn't make up for the pain he caused when he left, but I did feel better knowing he thought about me.

"He loves you very much."

"I know," I said. "I love him too."

I did know he loved me. I believed him. And I loved him too. So much. But that wasn't all there was to it. He had hurt me badly and I wasn't sure I could ever trust him again.

"Alice?"

"Yes?"

"What do you see for Jasper and me? In the future?"

She gave me a small smile while shaking her head.

"I can't tell you that, Edward. The future can take so many shapes. I don't like to share the possibilities I see; I worry too much I'll influence the form it will take. It's different if someone is in danger. I can tell you this," she continued. "As your friend and Jasper's sister, I've never seen two people who love each other more. I think you'll find your way."

I was getting tired again, even with the coffee.

"I think I'm going to go lie down again for a bit."

Jasper was there almost immediately. He walked closely next to me as I made my way back inside, ready to offer support should I need it. In truth, the short walk exhausted me, and I fell asleep within minutes of lying down.

When I woke up later that afternoon, Dr. Cullen and Esme were speaking quietly with Jasper.

"I've spoken with the Mexican Health authorities and there should be no problem having them issue the _Certificado de Defuncion_ ," Carlisle was saying. "I'm going to speak to Edward about how he wants to handle his parents' remains, but I'm going to suggest we arrange for them to be cremated."

I felt a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I heard Carlisle refer to my parents as "remains." Jasper's head whipped around and he hurried to the bedside.

"You're awake," he stated.

Carlisle walked up behind him, placing a hand on Jasper's shoulder.

"Let me speak with Edward for a few minutes about arrangements," he said, and Jasper nodded in agreement.

"I'll be back in a little bit," he said to me before leaving the room.

"I've finally been able to get in touch with Ava and John," Carlisle began. "They're extremely upset and send their condolences. They're going to stay where they are for now until they decide how safe it is to travel. They wanted to come here right away to be with you, but I let them know we were here to take care of you. They want you to stay as long as you need while you're recovering."

I nodded, listening.

"They've called your Godfather Daniel and Alan, and they're canceling their plans to come here."

That didn't come as a surprise either, although I could have really used them here right now.

"They also spoke to Marta. Her son came home for a visit from Mexico City and fell ill. We think that's how the virus made its way here. Several other family members caught the virus as well."

"Did they…" I started to ask.

"Everyone's fine. They're all recovering."

Only my parents had died. Not that I wanted anything bad to happen to anyone else, but it didn't seem fair that both of them were gone.

"I was just discussing arrangements with Esme. If you're agreeable, we'll have your parents' bodies cremated, and when you're finally well enough to travel, we can bring their ashes back to Washington and hold a memorial service. Daniel and Alan said they would fly in for that."

"All right," I agreed.

"Esme and I will take care of everything. You just concentrate on getting well, okay son?"

I nodded again.

"Do you have any questions for me, Edward?"

"I don't think so."

"Okay." He paused, as if deciding whether to say more.

"I know this is a tough time for you, but I want you to know you'll always have a place with us. I promised your mother I'd look out for you. You'll always be a part of our family. In fact, regardless of what happens with you and Jasper in the future, I'd like you to consider staying with us when we get back to Washington. At least until school starts. Or if you think you might like to take the quarter off, then for as long as you like. I don't like thinking of you in that big house all alone; I know Esme would feel better if you were staying with us too."

I hadn't even thought about returning home yet. I had to admit the idea of walking into the house and being greeting with nothing but silence and memories made me feel desperately sad. What if I took them up on their offer and Jasper and I couldn't get past everything? And was I really up to returning to school in a few short weeks? Everything seemed so complicated.

"I'll think about it," I told him, meaning it, but not wanting to deal with the future right now. I was tired and my head hurt.

"Good. I'll let you get some sleep. Do you want me to get Jasper or Esme to sit with you? Or I could stay if you'd like."

I hated needing him, but he was the only one I wanted right now. "Could you ask Jasper if he minds staying with me?" I asked.

"I'll send him in. Get some rest, son."

I barely managed to nod before falling asleep.

The next morning after I finally managed to take a quick shower, we started the day the same as yesterday. Esme brought us coffee and breakfast out on the porch and I spent a lot of time back in bed. I still felt extremely weak.

Alice kept me company for part of the day and I asked her more about her gift, completely fascinated by her ability. By this time I was convinced, although I had no proof; it was more of a gut feeling. A thought came to me and I voiced it out loud.

"Alice, do the way your eyes are have anything to do with your ability to see the future?" Jasper had alluded to secrets many times. Did he or Carlisle or Esme have special abilities too? Was that how they had found each other? I knew I could ask Jasper, but I still wasn't sure how much I wanted to know just yet.

"To a certain extent, yes," she answered. I was satisfied with that small piece of the puzzle for now.

I started to notice more things that were unusual about the Cullens. Maybe it was because I had so much time to do nothing except sit around recovering. They would stand close to each other, and I couldn't see their mouths moving or hear them saying anything, but I was certain they were somehow communicating. Jasper and Alice had always been graceful, but somehow their movements seemed impossibly fluid. At other times they would stand unnaturally still, not even blinking. I recalled all the times they had touched me and remembered how cool their skin was.

I wondered if I should be afraid, but I felt safe in their company. And loved.

Jasper was a constant presence by my side. He never pushed for me to talk about us or our future. He followed my lead in all things. When I wanted to be alone, he left without any compunction. I had so many questions, but for now, I wasn't ready to re-open old wounds, not when the new ones were so fresh.

One evening as I sat out on the porch after dinner, staring at the ocean and listening to the water, I was suddenly overtaken by a wave of crushing grief. The reality of their passing hit me with a force I couldn't escape. They were never coming back. My mom was never going to hold me again, or stroke my hair, or tell me how proud she was of me. My dad, a constant steady presence, who always made me feel as if he could handle anything, even when we didn't talk much, wasn't ever going to be there to catch me if I fell. I'd never get the chance to tell them how much I loved them and how much they meant to me. I missed them so fucking much. I felt so alone. So lost.

I leaned my elbows down on my knees and sunk my head into my hands sobbing out my pain and sorrow. The black hole in my chest threatened to completely consume me. I ached.

I felt a hand on my back and then it moved to gently rub my hair. I cried even harder remembering how many times my mother had made a similar gesture when I was upset.

"They're gone," I sobbed. "What am I going to do without them?"

Jasper rubbed my back some more as I cried out my grief. I couldn't seem to stop.

Eventually, he put his fingers under my chin and lifted my face toward his. His eyes were troubled.

"Will you let me hold you?" he asked. "Will you allow me to take away your pain, for just a little while?"

I threw myself at him, hearing his breath catch at my unexpected move. Then his arms were around me, pulling me close. I collapsed against him, sobbing into his shirt. He felt like home.

Jasper rocked me gently, making small shushing noises, murmuring words of comfort and love. I felt a warmth spreading in my middle and it expanding outward through my body, erasing all traces of my grief. I was left with only a feeling of contentment and love. Exhaustion was rapidly overtaking me and I only had energy for one small thought, wondering how he was doing it. Was this his special power, like Alice's ability to see the future? Another question was nagging at the back of my mind. I felt a vague sense of unease, an awareness that something was amiss as I lay with my head against his chest, but I couldn't figure out what. The discomfort vanished as he held me even closer, love wrapping me up like a blanket as I drifted off to sleep.

Things were better between us after that night. I knew I was ready to talk about what had happened when he left me whenever the time felt right. I didn't know what the future would bring, but I would keep an open mind, and eventually, maybe I'd be ready to open my heart again.

After breakfast a few mornings later, I asked him to take a walk on the beach with me. I was feeling stronger and tired of being cooped up inside.

He seemed somehow reluctant, even as he readily agreed. I couldn't make out his mood. As we stood at the edge of the porch, I watched as he braced his shoulders and took a deep breath before stepping into the hot Mexican sun.

The sight that met my eyes amazed me. His skin glimmered as if it were set with a thousand tiny diamonds. Brilliant rainbows dazzled me as he moved in the sunlight. He was glorious.

Jasper watched me take in his appearance with a look of caution and fear. A million thoughts flashed through my mind—his cool skin, the golden eyes, the way he had taken away my pain. I remembered the image that had gone through my head time and time again when I dreamed of that night in Port Angeles, Jasper's otherworldliness as he leapt like a lion at my attacker. My unease from the other night settled into clarity as I realized what it was that had seemed so strange: as my head rested against his chest, I had felt no heartbeat.

I had thought in the time we spent apart that I had finally learned to understand Jasper. I realized now that I had understood absolutely nothing at all.

"Jasper," I asked in a low awed voice, "What are you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 20 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/10/chapter-20-heaven-of-blackred-roses.html)


	22. Chapter 21 - Turn to the Open Sea

**"to be a discoverer you hold close whatever  
you find, and after a while you decide  
what it is. Then, secure in where you have been,  
you turn to the open sea and let go."**

_\- William Stafford, "Security," l. 12-15_

* * *

**Chapter 21 – Turn to the Open Sea**

 

JPOV

I watched his reaction carefully as I stood in the hot Mexican sun, its rays revealing my inhuman nature. I felt stripped, laid bare.

"Jasper, what are you?" Edward asked in an awed voice.

My heart was in my throat. This was the moment. After he heard my answer, I could lose him forever. I was terrified to speak, knowing this could be the end. Hesitantly, I reached out to sense what he was feeling, afraid that I would find terror and disgust.

Instead I felt wonder, curiosity.

I had vowed I wouldn't hide anything from him ever again, so I steeled myself and gave him the simplest answer I was able: "I'm a vampire."

He gave a small start. "A vampire? But you're standing in direct sunlight." I saw him give a little shake of his head, surprised by his immediate reaction, as if he should perhaps be focusing on something other than the observation he made.

"Many of the tales you may have heard have no basis in truth. We avoid sunlight because of this," I said, raising my arm to show the effect of the sun, a myriad of rainbows reflecting off my skin with each small movement.

He stepped closer, looking at me curiously. He reached for me, his expression permission seeking. I felt some of my inner terror begin to fade, and I nodded, holding out my hand for his scrutiny.

He turned it this way and that, watching the colorful prisms dance in the bright sunlight, bringing it closer to his face to inspect intently, rubbing his fingers over my hand and stroking it with various amounts of pressure, learning the characteristics of my skin he had never noticed before. I felt an uncomfortable twisting in my stomach as he examined me, poking and prodding, almost as if I were an odd specimen in some curio shop. My otherness was fully apparent and I strove to resist my creeping dismay. I had longed to be touched by him, yet the manner in which he was touching me left me feeling bereft, as if I were an alien creature, a specimen to be studied and analyzed, an unknown thing. I suppose that's exactly what I was. At the same time I burned from his touch, his busy agile fingers setting my icy skin on fire. I felt my hand begin to tremble. The gulf between us seemed insurmountable and hopelessness threatened to overwhelm me.

I almost didn't notice the stilling of his movements I was so focused on holding back my despair. I looked up and my eyes met his. "You're beautiful," he whispered reverently, as he gently squeezed my hand.

Slowly, I pulled my hand away from his, retrieving it from his grasp. My eyes never left his as I tried to express my gratitude through my gaze. Even through his grief, his anger at me, the shocking revelation I had just made, he somehow sensed what I needed and freely gave it to me.

I took a moment to try and calm myself. His initial reaction was more than I could have hoped for, but we had a long road ahead of us still.

"You have questions, I'm sure."

He barked out a laugh. "I'd say that's an understatement."

"What would you like to know?"

"I don't even know what to ask," he responded with bewilderment. "What should I know? Are Alice, and Esme…?"

"Yes. And Carlisle. And Rosalie and Emmett too."

He nodded as if he expected that answer.

I was quiet, waiting for him to process what he had learned so far. His next question was not one I expected at all and my heart clenched at the pain in his eyes.

"Why did you leave?" It was almost a whisper.

I shut my eyes, for a moment, under the onslaught of his hurt. It was so raw.

My beautiful boy.

"Come walk with me," I said quietly. He nodded and we started down the beach, the sound of the waves our footsteps' accompaniment.

"I was twenty when I was turned," I began, "a Major in the Confederate Army."

He didn't speak, but I heard the sharp intake of his breath and the quickened beat of his heart.

I continued my story, telling him of night I encountered Maria on the road outside of Galveston. I told him of my fiery conversion, my introduction to my new existence, the soldier I had drank from that first terrible night. I hid nothing about the monster I had become.

Edward's steps were faltering and I realized he was tiring rapidly.

"Let's sit for a bit before we head back to the house," I suggested. "You shouldn't push yourself so soon. You're still recovering."

"Okay," he agreed as he walked to the edge of the sea and sat, burying his toes in the wet sand.

I sat down next to him, staring out at the ocean, musing on its vastness as it disappeared beyond the line of the horizon. I was reminded of Denali and her imposing mass, the water sharing a kinship with the mountain that had helped me begin to understand my place in the world.

We didn't speak as we sat in the sand, both of us locked in our own thoughts. Mine were dominated by him, of course; I wondered how he would ultimately take my revelations. Would he give me a chance or would everything be too much for him? Would he deem me too foreign, too alien to contemplate a future together? Could he possibly forgive me?

After a while I asked, "Should I continue?"

"Not now." Then, after a pause, "I'm tired. I think I need to go lie down for a while."

I nodded, standing, wanting to help him to his feet, but afraid he wouldn't welcome my touch.

We started walking back to the resort, side by side. I reveled in his company, in the sound of his heart, its cadence vibrating through my body, his scent filling my lungs and easing the ache of my empty spaces. I had feared I would never experience such wonders again. The heat from his body warmed me even more than the bright relentless sun and I was jolted by that familiar lightning fire when I felt his fingers tangling with mine as he pulled my hand into his own. My heart gave a leap of joy, of hope. Even if he were not able to accept what he had now learned, at least I had this moment, right here and now, my hand clasped in his, his scent deep within me, his heartbeat in my ears, his fragile beauty gracing my eyes.

When we reached the building, he let go of my hand. I felt immediately anxious, realizing just how much that physical connection had calmed and reassured me.

"We'll talk more later, okay?"

I nodded. "Do you need someone to stay with you?" I asked, remembering how he had not wanted to be alone since he had learned of his parents' deaths.

He swallowed and looked away, avoiding my eyes. "No, I think… I think I want to be by myself for a bit."

I nodded again in acknowledgment, not trusting myself to speak. I wondered if I should offer to see if Marta would come stay at the resort, or if Carlisle thought it was wise to have Ava and John return. What if he were no longer comfortable staying here with us now that he knew our true nature?

"I'm fine, Jasper," he said, still looking down.

"All right," I managed say, my throat tight. "Get some rest."

I watched helplessly as he retreated to his room.

Alice came up beside me and wrapped her arms around my waist. I pulled her close to my side and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. I desperately wanted to ask her what she saw for us, even as I knew the future was for Edward and me to determine for ourselves.

It was early evening before I resumed my story for Edward. He had stayed in his room all day, only speaking to Esme when she brought him something to eat. Once the temperature cooled off, we sat out on the covered porch while he ate his dinner.

"Do you have any questions for me?" I asked, not sure where to start.

"Only about a million," he replied, rolling his eyes and giving a little laugh.

"What can I answer for you?"

"Nothing right now. Why don't you continue where you left off earlier and I'll stop you if I need to."

"All right," I agreed, before taking a deep breath. I dreaded telling him about this part of my past, but he needed to know everything if we were to have a chance together in the future.

I described my days in Maria's army, the endless fighting over territory and feeding grounds. He learned of my gift, the way I could manipulate the emotions of those around me and how I had controlled our soldiers with my talent. I tried to explain my complex relationship with Maria, how I had almost worshipped her, but then grew to hate her, especially after what happened with Peter.

I watched Edward closely as I relayed the horrific realities of that time—the despair and the hopelessness, the emotions I experienced each time I drained another victim. I tried to convey the overwhelming power of bloodlust, the difficulties I had in turning newborns, how they more often died than not when I was unable to stop feeding in time. He learned of my many carnal pursuits and the relief I'd temporarily gain through sexual release.

"I think that's enough for tonight," Edward cut in abruptly.

I reached out once again, trying to gauge his reactions and was hit with a surge of jealousy and insecurity among his other many tumultuous emotions.

"Edward," I attempted to reassure him.

He cut me off again. "No more tonight, Jasper. Please. Just… not right now."

"I'm sorry," I said as I leaned back, giving him some physical distance.

Edward pushed back his chair and stood up. "I'm going to head to bed. I'm tired."

I wanted to reach for him, but I knew that would be a mistake right now. "Good night, Edward."

He shifted uncomfortably for a moment then said, "Good night," as he turned to leave the room.

Edward joined me again at breakfast. We sat quietly together while he ate his meal and we both sipped on our coffee. I still clung to the habit, even as he sat within reach of my fingers. His discomfort was apparent without the use of my gift. He avoided my eyes and cleared his throat several times as if he wanted to speak, but kept deciding against it.

"You can ask me anything, you know," I told him gently. "I meant it when I said I wouldn't hide anything from you again."

He finally looked at me then, his face troubled.

"Did you…" he said before he paused. He cleared his throat before starting again. "Did you ever use your gift on me? To make me feel things? About you?"

I straightened in shock. "What? No! I would never do that," I exclaimed, horrified that he'd think I'd be capable of manipulating him in such a way. Ice had formed in my stomach. He must really see me as a monster. "I've only ever used it to take away your pain. In the hospital… in Port Angeles. And here, when you were feverish, and after, when you were so sad. I only wanted to ease your suffering. I couldn't stand to see you hurting." I looked at him beseechingly. "Please believe me."

His eyes searched my face, trying to determine the truthfulness of my words. I could hardly blame him for his distrust; I had been dishonest with him from the start.

He looked away from me and was silent as he stared out toward the water. I waited nervously. What was he thinking? I was tempted to reach out again to judge his emotions, but after his question even that seemed like a violation. When I was about to beg him to talk to me, he quietly said, "Good."

I heaved a sigh of relief.

He turned to me and the tears in his eyes sent a pang through me. "I didn't want it to have not been real," he said.

"It is real," I vowed earnestly as I gave in to the impulse to gauge his emotions. There was the relief I had already noted, that undercurrent of anger and grief, and a longing that was so familiar to me. "Edward…" he gave a sharp shake of his head and I stopped speaking. He turned his face to the ocean again and I watched as he reached up to wipe his face with the back of his hand. The enormity of my challenge discouraged me.

We sat in silence while I contemplated what to say next. I needed to get through my recitation of my past. I needed to let him know how everything had changed after I met him. He had to listen to me. If he heard everything, surely he would see how much I loved him. I had to make him understand.

While his attention was still directed at the ocean I started talking again, quietly telling him about my hollow numbness after Peter and Charlotte had gone, my empty existence. I told him how Peter returned for me, my growing depression, that dark day by the river when two boys became the casualties of my unbearable hunger. I couldn't look at his face as I recounted these events, afraid of the revulsion I might find.

I told him about finding Alice, or rather Alice finding me. How she pulled me from my black existence and gave me hope. How she became my family and taught me a new way to sustain myself. As I spoke, Alice came out and leaned over my chair, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me on the cheek. I reached up to hold her arms, squeezing them and whispering a "thank you" to her. I owed her everything.

Edward watched our interaction with a thoughtful expression and again I wondered what was going through his mind.

Alice smiled at him and asked, "Are you up for a short walk with me?"

"Sure," Edward responded, standing to join her. My eyes followed them both as they made their way down the beach. I suspected Alice was planning to tell Edward about our early days together, but in addition to that, they had their own relationship to negotiate.

I went inside to look for Carlisle. I knew he couldn't really help me with this, but his presence was comforting. I found him discussing travel arrangements with Esme. He was heading back to Washington to return the hospital. Esme was staying behind to help Edward with his travel plans and to accompany him on the return flight.

"How are things going with Edward, son?" Carlisle asked.

"I don't really know. Well enough, I suppose. He's still talking to me at least and hasn't run screaming down the beach. Alice is with him now."

"Has he said anything about staying with us when he gets back?"

I shook my head no. "We haven't gotten that far yet. He's got a lot to digest."

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No, not right now. Thank you. I still have much more I need to tell him first."

Esme came over to give me a hug. "Everything will work out, Jasper."

"I hope so."

Again, Edward went to lie down when he came back from his walk. I paced restlessly through the building trying not to obsess on our uncertain future together. Alice found me and convinced me to sit with her for a bit.

"Do you want to know what we talked about?" she asked me.

Of course I did. I had decided not to ask, though.

"Yes, but I'd rather that Edward choose to tell me."

"All right."

She kept me company for hours while I waited for Edward. We caught up on each other's lives; our phone calls while I was away had only been able to cover so much. I told her more about Denali and my time with Tanya. She told me about the past year in college and what Emmett and Rosalie had been up to. I also learned that Bella was dating Jacob Black, one of the wolf shape shifters down on the reservation in La Push.

Vampires were the sworn enemy of the pack. We had only been allowed to stay in the area because of a treaty Carlisle had crafted with them decades ago. So long as we kept to our vegetarian lifestyle and off their land, they would leave us in peace.

Bella's new boyfriend had caused a rift in her friendship with Bella. Not so much with Bella herself, but because Jacob's very nature caused him to despise us, he wanted Bella to have as little to do with Alice as possible.

"So Bella knows about us now," I concluded thoughtfully.

"Yes. Jacob tried to hide what he was for a long time, but somehow she discovered the truth. She always was very perceptive. Then, of course, he eventually told her about us."

"The relationship must be serious, then."

"Very serious. She's talking about transferring back to Washington to go to school in Seattle so they don't have to be apart."

"How did she react?"

"Obviously I wasn't there when Jacob told her, but we've talked quite a bit since then. It doesn't seem to make a difference to her."

I was encouraged by this news.

"It doesn't?"

Alice smiled at me. "No. She still acts the same whenever I see her or talk to her. Which isn't often," she added with a small frown. "Jacob makes things difficult for her."

"I'm sorry, Alice."

"It's okay. At least you're back now."

I understood then how lonely Alice had been while I was gone, even with her friends and school and the rest of our family.

"Come here," I told her, holding out my arms.

She came over to curl up in my lap and lay her head on my shoulder.

"I really missed you, you know," she said with a big sigh.

"I missed you too."

"I'm happy for Bella. Really I am. They love each other very much. I just miss my friend. I'm glad she's with Jacob though. This way Edward will have someone he can talk to. Someone who will understand."

Someone human, I added to myself. "Yes, that's good."

"I didn't tell Edward about Bella and Jacob. I wasn't sure how much you had told him yet."

"No, I hadn't gotten to the wolves yet. Thanks for letting me know." She snuggled closer to me in response and I wrapped my arms tighter around her.

After dinner Edward and I took another walk on the beach. The things I had to say to him were private and between the two of us. Although my family had been considerate, and had tried to keep out of our way, I knew they couldn't help but overhear us while we spoke at the resort.

As we sat together on the beach, both facing the ocean, I told him of finding the Cullens, the difficulty I had adjusting to an animal diet, the many times I slipped and the self loathing I felt for my weakness.

"Forks High was the first school I attended, the first time my family and I decided my bloodlust was under control enough to risk exposure to so many humans. And then I saw you."

I turned to look at him, remembering that first day, how transfixed I had been, the vibrant green of his eyes, so full of life, the coloring of his skin, as beautiful as the magnolia petal, his velvet reddish brown hair, like the underside of its leaf. As I stared at his face now, a little older, darkened by the sun, his jaw rough with stubble, his eyes more guarded, I was still struck by his beauty. It wasn't like that first time, when something about his innocence and youth awoke memories of the boy I had been long ago. No, he was a man now, tall and full of quiet strength. I no longer saw just the flower, but the sturdy trunk, the stable roots and the growing branches, still reaching toward the sun no matter how battered by the elements.

"Then I saw you," I repeated in a whisper, "and everything changed. I was changed."

Edward lifted his face to mine, his eyes searching. His eyes darted to my lips and I had to steel myself to keep from leaning forward and placing my mouth over his. My skin fairly hummed having him so close and that sharp desire I always felt in his presence surged to life.

Cautiously, I lifted my hand to his face, cupping his jaw and gently running my thumb over his cheek, his skin silky and warm under my touch. His eyes never left mine as he reached up to place his hand over mine and press it to his face. My lips parted in a soft gasp and his scent rushed through me. I trembled with emotions. We sat there, motionless, for a long moment until I couldn't resist the temptation any longer and leaned forward to kiss him.

I felt him stiffen and I stopped immediately, disappointment filling me. I gently extricated my hand from under his and leaned back as I saw the shutters drop down in his eyes as he retreated inwardly from me. I cursed myself for my stupidity, my impatience.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"No, it's okay. I'm just… not ready."

"I never wanted to hurt you."

"Well, you did."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Why did you leave, Jasper?" he asked for a second time, as he lifted those shutters for a moment, letting me see the hurt.

"I thought I was protecting you."

The words poured out of me then. I told him how conflicted I had felt as I fell fast and hard for him. I was a monster, over a hundred years older than he, an evil creature of the night. I was dangerous, my bloodlust always just under the surface, waiting for a slip of my vigilance to emerge. I told him how venom pooled in my mouth when he was near and I feared I would harm him, even as I was helpless to stay away from him. He learned how powerfully I was moved when he kissed my scarred skin, how I felt my stone heart come to life to exist only for him. I confessed how I would stand outside his home each night, simply to hear the beat of his heart.

"You brought me to life, Edward. When I was with you, I didn't feel like a monster. Eternity no longer seemed like such a burden, if I could be spending time with you. I fell in love with you, and couldn't believe that you loved me too."

I paused. I knew I had not yet answered his question. Reliving that night in Port Angeles would be painful, but I had sworn to be honest with him. And here was the crux of his question.

"That night in Port Angeles changed everything. When I discovered you being attacked, the monster reared forth and I went for the kill without a second's hesitation. I was crazed with rage and bloodlust and fear for you. But more monstrous than my instinctive drive to destroy were the thoughts that I couldn't keep hidden."

I had spoken of my secret desires to Tanya. Sharing it with someone else had made the burden of my shame easier to bear. Now I saw things differently, but I still couldn't know how Edward would react.

Edward noticed my hesitation.

"Please tell me," he prompted. "I want to understand."

"I had no idea how badly you were injured. Carlisle was on his way, but I was terrified I would lose you. Even though I thought of myself as a monster, especially in that moment when the urge to kill was so strong, even though I had hated my existence for so long—truly despised what I was—a part of me wanted more than anything to turn you. To have you become like me, so I selfishly wouldn't have to be parted from you ever again. And for that I couldn't forgive myself."

I was afraid to see his reaction. Would he be horrified at the thought of becoming like me? I rose to my feet and walked a few steps towards the water, letting the rising tide sweep the sand out from under my feet with each successive wave. The sun was setting and the sky was a vibrant pink and orange.

Eventually, Edward rose to join me by the water.

"So you just left, without even talking to me about any of this, because you thought you were a monster," he said and I could hear the anger in his tone, even without using my gift.

"I left because I loved you, because I was dangerous, because I wanted you safe, because you deserved better.

"Because I was a fool," I added in a whisper.

"Why did you come back, Jasper?" he asked in a demanding tone.

"Because I love you. I'll always love you. You're my mate and I couldn't stand being apart from you a second longer."

He didn't reply.

"I know you're angry. Rightfully so. I should never have made that kind of unilateral decision. I know I made a mistake and I want to make it right. I hope you're willing to give me another chance."

"Do you still think you're a monster?"

"Sometimes," I answered truthfully.

"How do I know you're not going to leave again one day?"

"I won't."

He was quiet.

"You really hurt me," he finally said.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I need some time. It's a lot to think about."

"Time…" My small laugh was rueful. "Well that's certainly something I have plenty of."

We stayed at the resort for a few more days before heading back to Washington. Each morning Edward and I would walk on the beach after breakfast. He'd ask me questions and I'd do my best to answer them. I told him about the wolf pack in La Push and Bella's involvement with Jacob Black.

"She never said anything to me," he remarked. His feelings sounded hurt.

"She wouldn't have been able to. Just as you'll be expected to keep our secret now. There are few 'rules' or 'laws' we vampires have, but secrecy is one of them." I had mentioned the Volturi during my retelling of my time in the Southern Vampire Wars and now emphasized the inherent danger of him even knowing of our existence.

"I hate having you at risk in any way, but you're my mate. You deserve to know everything."

"You keep saying that. About me being your mate. What does that even mean?" he asked.

I stopped and took his hand in mine, pulling him to face me so he could see my sincerity. "It means that I will always love you, until the end of time. When we're turned, it's as if we're frozen in time, immutable and unchanging. It takes something profound to alter us and when that happens, the change is permanent. You brought me to life. Your love changed me. Irrevocably. When a vampire mates, he mates for life. I'll be yours for eternity, Edward; there will never be another."

I could feel the moisture of his palms and the speeding of his heart as I spoke. I knew his feelings for me were still in turmoil, but I wanted whatever decision he made to be made with full knowledge of my heart.

"Jasper," he said hesitantly, "I…"

"Shhh," I cut him off. "You don't have to say anything. I know I hurt you, and you're still angry. I just needed you to know. I won't push you. I'll accept whatever you're willing to give. But I want you to know that you mean everything to me. You're everything."

It took all I had not to pull him into my arms and show him with my lips, my mouth, my hands, my body how completely I belonged to him.

"I do still love you, Jasper," Edward whispered and it was my turn to be affected by the words being spoken. If my heart could beat, it would be pounding in my chest. "But I'm not ready for anything more right now. I need time."

"Whatever you need," I assured him. "I'll give you whatever you need."

-o-

The Memorial Service for Ed and Elizabeth took place two weeks after we were home. Ed had been a prominent businessman, so the church in Port Angeles was filled to capacity with those wanting to pay their respects. I couldn't help but notice how handsome Edward looked in his dark suit, even as I noted the strain around his eyes and the tight set of his mouth. His friends Mike and Bella stood on either side of him, their hands linked with his, offering support. His Godfather and partner were seated next to them. Edward introduced me after the service and I was grateful to be acknowledged as someone important in his life.

Mike had given me a dirty look when he saw me in the church. I knew he was only being protective of Edward, aware of how much I had hurt him by leaving. I simply nodded my head in recognition, trying to convey I respected the warning. It would take time for everyone to believe I was back for good, that I had no intention of hurting Edward ever again.

Edward had decided against staying with us when we returned to Forks. Mike had offered to move into his parents' house with him temporarily, until school started, so that he didn't have to face all his memories alone. I wanted to be the one he turned to, but I knew I had given up my right to that place in his life.

He had, however, agreed to move in with Alice in Seattle when he returned to the University rather than rooming in the dorms. She lived in a small house on the edge of campus and was delighted to have the company. I was pleased as well, since the arrangement would give me ample excuse to visit often.

Edward had been amenable to spending time with me after we returned. He invited me over for coffee and we resumed our runs together. He was unable to keep up the pace initially after his illness, but he was slowly getting stronger and was almost back to his old self. Conversation mainly stayed on neutral topics, although he'd occasionally surprise me with an unexpected question.

"Do you still stand outside the house at night to listen to my heartbeat?" he asked one day as we sat in the kitchen waiting for the coffee to be ready.

If I could have, I would have flushed in embarrassment. I fidgeted uncomfortably.

"I take it that's a yes," he said with a cocked eyebrow and a sly grin as he stood up to walk toward the cabinets.

"Kinda stalkerish, don't you think?" he commented offhandedly as he reached for the mugs.

I swallowed nervously. "I'm sorry," I stammered. "I can stop." My heart ached at the thought of losing my soothing nighttime ritual.

"No, that's okay," he replied, to my surprise. "I sort of like knowing you're out there."

When he returned to school we fell into a new routine. I'd run with him in the mornings and spend several evenings a week with him and Alice when they didn't have homework or other activities planned. On the weekends he'd come home to Forks.

One night as I stood outside, I heard him tossing restlessly. His heart was beating at a frantic pace and I heard him cry out in his sleep in response to his nightmare. I heard the change in breathing that indicated he was awake, and he lay there in his bed, panting, his terror still holding him tight in its grip. After a few moments I heard him go down to the kitchen, flipping lights on as he went. Then he was at the door, squinting out into the darkness.

"You may as well come in," he said quietly and I emerged from the shadows and made my way to him on the porch.

We sat in the kitchen while he drank from a glass of water. His hands trembled.

"Bad dream?" I asked.

"Yeah," he responded, setting the glass down on the counter, eyes lowered.

"Will you," he began hesitantly. Then he lifted his face to mine. I could see the shadows in his eyes. "Will you do that thing you do?" he asked in a determined voice. "To make me feel better?"

"Of course," I acquiesced. "Come sit with me."

He took the hand I extended and I led him to the couch. I used my other hand to pull him toward me by his shoulder and I leaned in to kiss him softly on the forehead.

"Lay your head in my lap," I directed as I moved us to the sofa. He did as I asked, his long legs stretching out along the couch. I ran my fingers through his hair as I eradicated every last trace of fear and sadness, suffusing him with comfort and love.

"That's nice," he whispered.

"Yes," I agreed. I was reminded of the many times we had sat, just like this, while I read him poetry and whispered words of love. The strands through my fingers were silken soft and I drank in his presence, memorizing his features, grateful to be here with him.

"Go to sleep," I whispered, as I helped him drift back under. I pulled a blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over his body as I sat with him through the night, my heart full.

-o-

The rain started coming down while we were still blocks from home. We had run miles farther than our usual route because Edward was tired of "feeling like an invalid." I knew he was exhausted from the dragging of his steps and his labored breathing. I watched him carefully, in case he should falter. He slowed, eventually coming to a walk, his hands on his hips. I saw then that he was weeping, his tears washing away in the rain. Then he leaned over, his hands on his knees as sobs ripped through him. I hurried to his side, gripping his shoulders, trying to get him to look at me.

"What's wrong? Edward, what's wrong?" I asked in alarm.

He looked at me, his face a mask of grief. "I miss them," he said, his face crumpling once more.

I ached for him. I pulled his arm around my shoulder and I wrapped mine around his waist to support him as we traveled the last few blocks. He continued to sob, leaning on me all the while. When we reached the house, he turned toward me, clutching me to him, crying into my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, murmuring words of comfort.

"Please, please take it away. Make it feel better, Jasper. Please."

My mind whirled in conflict. I wanted nothing more than for Edward to be free of pain, but I already had growing concerns about the number of times he had sought me out after a nightmare. I knew the cost of shutting off emotions, avoiding pain, pushing it away. I had done so myself and the result was a heart of stone.

I didn't respond, but pulled his arms from around me and guided him up the stairs to the bathroom. I reached in to turn on the water, adjusting the temperature. He stood passively as the tears ran down his face and I reached out to pull his shirt over his head. He allowed me to undress him and I stripped off my own clothes, helping him into the shower, supporting him when his sobs resumed and his knees buckled.

"Please, Jasper," he sobbed. "It hurts."

"You have to grieve, Edward," I spoke softly in his ear. "But I'm here. I won't leave you. You're not alone."

I washed him carefully, worshipping his skin, mapping each minute change from the last time I had seen him so. He leaned back, his face under the spray of the water as I massaged the shampoo through his hair. At some point the shaking of his body had stopped as his grief abated and his sob receded. His arms hung limply at his sides and his shoulders dropped with exhaustion.

When I was finished washing him and his body was warmed from the water, I turned off the faucet, reaching for a towel. I quickly dried myself, wrapping the towel around my hips, then helped him from the shower. He stood quietly while I dried him, carefully rubbing the moisture from his body. I used another towel to gently dry his hair. Then I led him to the bedroom to find some clothes for him.

He sat on the edge of the bed while I looked through his drawers, picking out something for him to wear. I brought it over to him and sat next to him on the bed. I reached for his arms to pull a t-shirt over his head and he stirred, grabbing my wrist before taking it from me and placing it on the bed beside him.

"Thank you," he said.

"You're welcome," I replied, reaching out my hand to push his hair away from his beautiful face, stealing another touch before he withdrew from me again.

He stared into my eyes and I was held captive, my breath catching at the intimacy of this moment. Suddenly I was very aware of our naked bodies inches from each other. Desire flooded me as I saw his eyes darken before he leaned in and placed his lips against mine.

At the touch of his lips, I let out a groan, fire coursing through my veins. His mouth was hot and wet, his tongue sweet in my mouth as he plunged it between my lips, tangling it with my own. He pushed me backward, lying on top of me, our chests pressed together. God, he felt so good. So good.

"Touch me," he panted into my mouth. "Please, touch me. I want to feel good again. I'm tired of feeling angry and sad. Please, Jasper, touch me. Make me feel good."

I moaned into his mouth as my hands obeyed his command, reaching to stroke the soft skin of his back, down his sides to his round firm ass. He let out a gasp as I pulled him closer and I felt his cock through the towel around my waist. He removed his lips from my mouth and buried his face in my neck gasping, "God, yes."

His hips rocked against me and I felt every movement of his muscles under my roaming hands. I was drowning in the sounds he was making, the feel of his skin against mine, his amazing scent. How had I ever stayed away from him for so long?

I wanted to do what he asked—make him feel good. I moved my hands to his shoulders and pushed him back. I smiled as his disappointed cry turned to moans of pleasure when I covered his body with my own, my lips and tongue tracing the line of his jaw, the rough stubble causing my mouth to tingle as I moved my face over it. I next explored the side of his neck, the hollow of his throat, his shoulders and collar bones. As I moved down his body, he writhed underneath me, my roaming hands inflaming him to greater pleasure. When my mouth closed over his nipple, his back arched off the bed and he gave a long low cry.

My mouth and tongue traced the contours of his abdomen, dipped into his belly button, then moved to gently suck at his hips. His body bucked beneath me and I pressed him down into the bed, wanting him wild with desire. His head was thrashing and he was gasping, "God, please, Jasper…please," as I teased him mercilessly, my hands and mouth and tongue touching him everywhere but where he wanted most.

Finally I gave in to his frantic begging, licking up the underside of his cock in one long stroke. I groaned as I tasted the wetness at the tip and I shut my eyes at the sound of his shuddering cry as I enveloped the head in my mouth. I had Edward's cock in my mouth, the beautiful boy I feared I had lost forever. I closed my eyes against the wave of ecstasy that washed over me, almost afraid to believe this was actually happening.

I worshiped Edward's cock, taking him deep in my throat and burying my nose in his auburn curls. My tongue licked and stroked and swirled around his head as I bobbed my head up and down, taking him in deep each time. My hands never stilled as I caressed his balls, stroked his thighs, gripped the firm flesh of his ass. I could feel him close to the edge and I worked him rhythmically until he tensed under me, crying out his pleasure as he filled my mouth with his essence. I closed my eyes at the exquisite taste, gratified that I could bring him the release he needed. His hand fell weakly down to tangle in my hair as he lay panting on the bed. I gave his cock one last loving suck then moved up to lie facing him on the bed.

He turned his face to me with a lazy smile and I thought my heart might burst from the intensity of my feelings. I leaned over to give him a slow deep kiss.

When I pulled away, his eyes fluttered open and stared into mine. "What about you?" he whispered.

"I'm fine. I wanted to make you feel good."

"I want to make you feel good too," he said as his hand reached for me.

I gasped and my head fell back when I felt him wrap his fingers around me. His lips latched onto my neck and I felt his teeth gently scraping across my marble skin as his hand began to move in a rhythmic motion. I was so overtaken by ecstasy, feeling my mate's hand stroking my cock for the first time, his mouth gently nipping at my skin that I was coming in no time, too overcome with passion to hold back.

We kissed for several minutes more until I felt Edward's exhaustion returning. I pulled the sheet up over us and he drifted off to sleep, his head on my shoulder, my arms wrapped around him, our legs tangled together. I could stay like this forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 21 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/11/chapter-21-turn-to-open-sea.html)


	23. Chapter 22 - The Sacred Moments

**"I have embalmed the days,  
Even the sacred moments when we played,  
All innocent of passion, uncorrupt,  
At noon and evening in the flame-heart's shade.  
We were so happy, happy, I remember,  
Beneath the poinsettia's red in warm December."**

_\- Claude McKay, "Flame-Heart," l. 25-30_

* * *

**Chapter 22 – The Sacred Moments**

 

EPOV

I woke up to see Jasper sitting next to me, watching me with a worried expression as he leaned against the headboard. He was dressed in one of my t-shirts and a pair of my sweats. God, he was so fucking gorgeous. My stomach fluttered as I remembered his hands on my skin, his mouth all over me.

"Hi," I said with a shy smile.

He smiled back and his face relaxed slightly.

"Hi. How are you feeling?"

I knew he could simply reach out with his gift and discover for himself, but I appreciated that he was asking instead. I thought for a minute. The grief, the anger, the huge adjustments I had had to make in my thinking after finding out about Jasper and the rest of the Cullens had been overwhelming. Jasper had been right; I needed to let it all out. My breakdown and subsequent physical release had been cathartic. Cleansing.

So many thoughts had gone through my head over the past weeks. I had held him at arm's length while I tried to sort through everything. Hearing the details of his violent past helped me understand so much. I even understood why he left. That hadn't stopped the anger, though, or the hurt that he had made the decision without me. After much reflection, I'd come to the same conclusion I had reached when I learned he had killed prior to my attacker: it didn't matter. What had been harder to overcome was his leaving me. But he had given me space, had been completely open, and had to tried to convey in every way possible that he was here to stay. Alice had filled me in on his unwavering devotion and unwillingness to leave my side for even a moment while I had been ill, even going so far as to lie with me, his cool skin against my own, to try and bring my fever down. In the end his patient persistence had gotten through to me. He was _Jasper_ , and he was here, and was there ever really a choice? Was there even the smallest possibility that I would send him away again?

All my confusion and mixed emotions had seemed to crystallize into a moment of complete clarity: I loved Jasper and he loved me. Everything else would sort itself out in time. When I felt his lips against mine, the world faded away. There was no pain, no uncertainty, nothing but him and me and exquisite pleasure and a feeling of complete and total rightness. I felt whole again.

"I feel… better," I finally said.

"Good." He still looked worried. Nervously, he started talking: "I borrowed some of your clothes. I hope you don't mind. I threw ours from earlier in the wash. I would have run home, but I didn't want you to wake up and find me gone, and I didn't know if you'd want me here or if you'd rather be alone. If you want me to leave..."

"Jasper," I interrupted his rambling. I don't know if I had ever seen him like this, stumbling and uncertain. "It's fine. I'm glad you're here. I want you here."

"Alright." He still hadn't relaxed.

"C'mere," I directed, grabbing his hand and tugging him down on the bed so that he was no longer sitting up but lying down facing me.

"I'm okay. Really."

"I was worried you might think I took advantage of you while you were emotionally vulnerable," he confessed.

I laughed. "I was the one who attacked you. Believe me; you did not take advantage of me. If anything, I took advantage of you."

He smiled in response then whispered, "I love that sound."

"What sound?" I asked.

"You, laughing."

Warmth filled me and I was smiling back at him, lost in the adoring look in his eyes. I noticed the worry had never completely left him. He probably still had questions about what it had meant, whether it had just been a way for me to forget for a while, or was it something more.

I reached out to touch his face, tracing my fingers across his forehead, trying to soothe the lines of tension away. I watched him go completely still as I trailed my fingers across his cheekbones and down to his jaw, sliding my hand to the back of his neck.

"I don't regret what happened, Jasper, if that's what's worrying you."

He swallowed, searching my face.

Instead of saying more, I moved closer to him, my eyes locked on his. I could literally see his pupils expanding as he realized what I intended to do. I heard his breath hitch and saw his eyes fluttering shut, then mine did the same as our mouths connected.

It was the same as before, that feeling of total rightness, as if nothing in the world could go wrong while we were together like this.

His lips were soft and cool and sweet, so sweet. When I reached out my tongue to taste him, to savor the taste of him, the flavor I had craved for so long, he gasped into my mouth and I felt his hand reach out to tentatively grasp my hip.

When I pulled him closer, deepening the kiss, he groaned and his grip on my hip tightened. Desire flared in my belly and I shifted closer to him, eager to feel his body against mine. My hand roamed down his back and under the hem of his shirt, gliding over the cool skin, marveling at the muscles coiling under my touch. I felt him pulling the sheet down from my body as his hand slid over the curve of my ass, pulling me closer so that I could feel his arousal, gloriously hard against my own. Our hips pressed against each other as we moved together in small rocking motions. God, the feel of him, hard and wanting and so very close, was electrifying. Every nerve ending in my body was aware of him, on fire, pleasure rippling through me in heady pulses.

I pulled my mouth away from his and buried my face against his neck, trying to gain control before I embarrassed myself and came right then. I didn't want this to be another fast and furious release, as our last desperate actions had been; I wanted to revel in his presence, learn every inch of his body, and know him in ways that had been impossible before.

As I moved away from him leaning up on my elbow, his eyes opened. His expression was questioning.

"Take this off," I requested, tugging at his shirt.

He sat up and pulled it over his head as I drank in the smooth planes of his chest, his chiseled torso and abdomen, his broad shoulders. Fucking beautiful.

My hand reached out to touch him, lightly smoothing over his collarbone before sliding down his chest. I brushed my thumb across his nipple and I watched in fascination as it hardened in response.

A flare of desire blazed white hot within me as I raised my eyes to his and caught his hungry gaze—fervid and desirous. Burning. He held himself still as I explored his skin, and I marveled at the way his muscles twitched as I stroked his abdomen and ran my fingernails gently through the light trail of hair below his belly button. I slipped my fingertips underneath the waistband of his sweats and said, "Take these off too."

He leaned back on his elbows and lifted his hips as he removed his pants. His erection bounced gently against his stomach, thick and long and even sexier than I remembered. When I reached out my hand, grasping his cock loosely in my fist, he dropped back his head with a cry and his hips gave an involuntary jerk upwards. When I gave it a few slow strokes, his elbows gave out and he collapsed backwards on the bed, his body arching up into my hand. I was stunned by the rush I felt watching this gorgeous, powerful creature trembling under my touch.

He gasped and whimpered as I stroked him and all the insecurity I had felt when I learned of his sexual past melted away as I realized the amazing truth: it was the same for him as it was for me. My touch did to him what his did to me. It didn't matter that he was vampire with a history I had yet to fully comprehend. It didn't matter that I had only a fraction of his years and experience. What we had together transcended our differences. It was real and deep and timeless.

I leaned up and over him so I could reach his mouth with mine and kissed him deeply once again, all the while moving my hand in a steady rhythm. When I pulled away so that I could explore his body with my lips, I heard him whisper, "love you… love you." I felt suffused with warmth as I let his declaration wash over me.

As I moved down his body, he gave another cry when I flicked at his nipple with my tongue. He tasted incredible. I lay my head sideways on his chest, my ear pressed against him, curiously noting his silent heart and cool skin. The incongruity of a body technically dead struck me as he writhed beneath me, responding to the motion of my hand on his cock. His noises filled my ears; his delicious scent filled my lungs and he had never seemed so alive, or made me feel more alive. I wanted to lick every inch of his body.

My mouth continued its exploration and I returned some of the teasing he had inflicted on me earlier, running my tongue over the muscles of his stomach, feeling them quivering beneath me, biting him gently on his hips and investigating the impenetrability of his skin beneath my teeth. I wondered how that would feel to him if I did that to his cock.

I pulled back to stare at it, suddenly nervous. He looked up as my hand stilled and propped himself up on his elbows again. I wanted it to be good for him, but I had no idea what I was doing.

"I've never done this before," I said as I slid my thumb across the bit of wetness at the tip of his dick. Was that really venom, I wondered? It looked exactly like pre-cum to me. Jasper had told me that all the fluid in his body was now venom in various dilutions. Unless it was injected directly into my bloodstream in substantial amounts, it wouldn't harm me. I leaned closer to taste it with the tip of my tongue and was pleasantly surprised at the tangy sweetness. It was similar to the taste of his mouth, but more… intense. My tongue tingled a bit where I had touched it.

I looked up to see him staring at me in rapt fascination, his mouth slightly open and his eyes pitch black.

"Is this okay?" I asked.

He nodded, his expression dumbstruck.

I licked him again at the tip then ran my tongue all the way up the side of his dick, trying to imitate the things I liked having done to me. He let out a sort of gargled moan. The sound went straight to my cock and I did it again. This time when I reached the head, I took it into my mouth, wrapping my lips around him. I looked up to see how he was reacting and I felt a flush through my entire body when I saw the raw hunger on his face. I had no idea giving a blow job would be this much of a turn on. Seeing his response made my dick that much harder. Experimentally, I moved my head, trying to see how much of him I could fit in my mouth, keeping my eyes on his the entire time, only tearing them away when I found myself getting too excited. Instead I concentrated on moving my head back and forth, wrapping my tongue around his length as I sucked, and stroking the base of his cock with my hand.

When I had a good rhythm going, I looked up again and was mesmerized by the sight. Jasper had his head thrown back, the tendons in his neck taut; his hands were in tight fists at his side and he was making soft panting cries at each stroke. I could see the effort he was taking not to thrust up into my mouth. He looked so fucking hot that I couldn't stand it and I reached down with my other hand to grab my own aching cock. After a quick tug or two, I moaned against his dick and his head snapped up, eyes burning.

"Gonna come," he gasped, reaching out to push at my shoulder. I pulled off with my mouth, but kept my hand moving as Jasper cried out, arching and shooting thick spurts over his stomach, his chest, and my hand. He was so beautiful, lost in pleasure, and I felt a sudden possessiveness and a determination that no one was ever going to see him this way again but me.

Watching him come was probably the hottest thing I had ever seen in my life. With another quick pull at my dick my own release spiraled through me and my cries joined his as I came all over the bed.

After my last tremors had subsided, my eyes drifted up to Jasper, gorgeously splattered with his own cum. I wondered how it tasted. He hadn't wanted to come in my mouth and I didn't know if he was trying to be considerate because it was my first blow job or if there was anything dangerous about his seminal fluid.

"Will it hurt me if I swallow?" I asked.

When he shook his head no, I leaned over to lick a stripe of white from his stomach. Again I was surprised by the sweetness. It tasted very different from mine—I still remembered the earthy flavor from my experimentation with Bella so long ago—and it made my mouth tingle again, almost as if I had sucked on a menthol cough drop, but it wasn't unpleasant in the least. I would have no problem swallowing the next time. I shivered a bit in anticipation, just thinking about it. As I moved to lick some more cum from his stomach, Jasper leaned over to pull me up his body.

"Fuck, Edward," he whispered breathlessly before crashing his lips to mine and plunging his tongue in my mouth. My head spun from the passion of his kiss and I returned it enthusiastically. After a few blissful minutes of tongues sliding, breaths mingling, Jasper pulled away, covering my face in soft kisses, holding me to him as if I were the most precious thing in the world.

"I love you, Edward. I love you," he whispered against my skin over and over.

"You're not just saying that because I gave you a blow job, are you?" I joked in a shaky voice, needing to somehow ease the intensity of the moment. My emotions overwhelmed me; I felt as if I was drowning in the smell of him, the feel of him, losing myself completely in him, not sure where I left off and he began.

He pressed his forehead to mine and chuckled.

"No, I'm not just saying that because of the incredible blow job."

I smiled against his face.

"I love you, too, you know," I said quietly.

His arms pulled me even closer. "I know," he whispered. "Thank you."

He held me against him for a long moment before asking, "Have you forgiven me?" I could feel the tension in his arms.

I realized right then that I had. I didn't want a future without Jasper, and there was no way we could go forward if I was holding on to my anger and hurt.

I pulled back to look at him. "Yes. I can't promise that I'm not going to ever get angry again or throw it in your face when we're fighting, but I want this with you. I want you. I want us."

I kissed him this time, my actions reinforcing my words, and let myself fall into heady oblivion.

-o-

"That first time, when you gave me a hand job at the house, why did you run off?"

"I was afraid I would bite you."

"Do you still worry you might bite me in the heat of the moment?"

"No. Not after seeing you deathly ill and being terrified I might lose you. I could never do anything that would risk having to feel that way again.

"That's not to say that you don't smell delicious," he added seductively as he trailed his nose up the side of my neck and nibbled at my earlobe, his breath in my ear and his cool tongue circling the shell. I shivered and melted into his embrace, sinking into delirium as I felt his hips shift to press his erection into mine.

-o-

"Hi honey, I'm home," I called out as I walked in the door. I threw my backpack with my school books on the hall table, tossed my jacket on top of it and headed toward the kitchen. Jasper was sitting at the table sipping coffee and reading a book. When I came through the door he looked up and my breath caught as a radiant smile lit up his face. So fucking beautiful. He stood up, opening his arms to me. I jumped into them, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He laughed, spinning me around, his strong arms supporting my weight as our lips met in a passionate kiss.

He backed me to the counter and set me down on the edge, then cupped my face in his hands, kissing me thoroughly, his tongue sweeping into my mouth, stealing my breath and making my head swim. My heart pounded and I felt my body flushing with desire. God, the way he could make me feel. I had only been home minutes and I was already hard. I pulled his body closer to me with my legs so I could grind my erection up against his body.

I tugged at his shirt while our lips clashed hungrily and he reached between us, never parting our lips, to rip it from his body before tearing mine down the middle as if it were tissue paper. As our clothes fell away, he continued his assault on my mouth, kisses like drugs that had my mind swimming.

I laughed as he mumbled, "I hope that wasn't your favorite shirt," against my lips. He knew I loved it when he showed off his super human strength, what a turn on I found it that he had all this amazing power that he kept tightly leashed so that he could be with me. His hands were as talented as his lips, moving over my skin, plying my nipples to hardness, then sliding around to cup my ass and pull me ever closer to him.

"Alice?" I asked breathlessly.

"Not home," he mumbled as his lips found that spot on my neck, just below my ear, that made me wild.

"Bedroom," I groaned while frantically rubbing against him.

He growled and desire pulsed through me at the sound, then I was back in his arms and we were in the bedroom before I could barely blink. I was laughing as he tossed me onto the mattress like a ragdoll. He stood before me with a sexy smile on his face as he stripped off his pants, freeing his erection. I shimmied out of my jeans in seconds and then he was crawling over me, like a great prowling cat, and his body slid against mine and our cocks rubbed together and he was moving his hips just like that and it felt so good, so fucking good...

-o-

He lay on his stomach in the middle of the bed. A small patch of sunlight courtesy of a rare sunny Seattle day caused small rainbows of color to shimmer off his shoulder. I was indulging in my desire to lick every inch of him, slowly exploring his body while he answered random questions and told me stories about his past. I had started with his feet and ankles, then worked my way up his long legs.

His memories of his human life were fragmented and incomplete, but I heard tales of the Civil War, of his mother and brother and his life growing up in Texas so long ago.

I straddled the back of his thighs, staring appreciatively at his sculpted ass. He purred as my hands kneaded his flesh and I smiled at the sound. Unbelievably sexy. How was it possible for anyone to be this gorgeous? I leaned over to kiss the small of his back, dipping my tongue into the dimples above his ass. Then I ran my tongue up his spine, slowly, leisurely, all the way up to his neck where I peppered his skin with kisses and soft nips, my hands roaming over his shoulders, my chest pressed against his back.

He gave one of his sexy growls and then he flipped over underneath me, wrapping me in his arms and rolling us over so that he was leaning over me. He kissed me, slow and deep, humming into my mouth. "You're driving me crazy," he whispered as he pulled away, staring at me with a small smile and a look of complete adoration.

I smiled in return, the butterflies in my stomach fluttering at his intensive gaze. His tawny curls were hanging in his face and I reached up to push them back.

"What color were your eyes?" I asked curiously.

A shadow flickered across his face and a small crease formed on his forehead.

"I… don't remember."

My fingers smoothed over his furrowed brow. I stared at the golden eyes that conveyed so much love and said, "They couldn't have been more beautiful than they are now."

Then he kissed me again and again and again and again.

-o-

"Are you sure?" he asked, searching my face.

"Yes," I panted. "Yes, I'm sure."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't. And if you do, it will be okay. I want you. I want you to make me yours. Truly yours. I want you inside me."

I was so wound up. I didn't know it was possible to feel this aroused. Our sexual activities had gotten progressively more intimate and I was shaking with want, half crazed with desire after his fingers, his mouth, his tongue, had teased my entrance until I was practically begging for him to fuck me.

"You keep saying I'm your mate; now mate with me already," I demanded in frustration. He had always held back from this final step and I wasn't sure of his exact reasons.

He laughed softly into my neck and I whined, "Jasper," in response, bucking my hips against him to remind him how hard I was.

"I need you," I begged. "Please."

"I just want you to be sure, Edward," he said seriously, pulling back so he could see my face.

"I am sure. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I love you and I want you. Right now, preferably," I added, grinding against him again. "Don't you want me?" I asked.

"God, yes."

"Then what's the problem?"

"It's your first time like this. I just want you to be sure."

Comprehension dawned slowly through my lust addled brain. Could he still have doubts about my feelings for him? Did he think I was going to change my mind about us?

I knew immediately how to fix this.

"Jasper, I want you to use your gift on me. I told you I was sure. I want you to be sure too. I want you to know without a doubt how I feel about you." I knew he had avoided sensing my feelings, wanting to give me the space I needed, and not wanting to inadvertently manipulate me by reacting to things he sensed rather than things I said. I appreciated his effort, but this wasn't the time for nobility.

He opened his mouth to speak and I cut him off: "And don't ask me again if I'm sure."

"Alright," he smiled.

Without wasting any more time, I kissed him, pouring everything I felt into it—the desperate want, the aching need, and most importantly, the unwavering love I had for him, a love that was strong and sure and true. I wasn't going to stop loving him ever. He was mine and I was his.

He moaned into my mouth and I practically felt his capitulation.

"Do you see now?" I whispered. "Do you understand?"

In response he gave me another dizzying kiss. After only a few moments I was back to a fevered state, whimpering and thrusting against him, needy and wanting.

"Please, Jasper, please."

He moved up the bed, so that he was on his back, leaning against the headboard. He pulled me over him so that his cock was sliding against the crack of my ass.

"I think we should do it this way, so you can control the pace. I don't want to hurt you."

"Okay," I panted, my eyes closing at the erotic feeling of him so near my entrance.

Even though his fingers and tongue had been in my ass moments earlier, he coated his fingers with lube and reached behind me to prepare me some more. He pressed a finger gently inside, watching my face. We had done this many times before, so I wasn't uncomfortable with the intrusion. I knew what pleasure his fingers could bring deep inside me. I wanted to feel more.

"Jasper, I'm ready," I reassured him. "I want you. I want to feel your cock inside me."

He groaned at my words and removed his finger. He used a bit more lube to coat his cock and I reached behind me to cover his hand with my own, stroking his length, hard and slick.

His eyes were pitch black and I stared directly into them as I shifted up on my knees to place his tip at my entrance. My one hand was behind me, guiding him into me, the other braced on his muscular chest. As I slowly lowered myself down, I watched his face, his eyelids fluttering as he struggled to keep them open, his jaw clenching as the tendons in his neck went taut, then his lips parted with a gasp.

The stretch of him entering me burned, but it was a good pain. I didn't pause in my movement—I had waited long enough—but sunk slowly lower on him until my ass was flush against his body and he was seated deep inside me. God, he was inside me. My eyes drifted closed and my head dropped toward my chest as the enormity of the moment overwhelmed me. We were as close as we could possible be, joined together in this way.

"Are you okay?"

I looked up and was stunned by the emotions playing across his face, concern, hunger, barely contained passion and most of all love, as if I were the answer to every question in the universe.

I nodded, too overcome to speak.

"I love you," he whispered urgently, "more than anything."

I nodded again, because I knew; I felt the same way. This was right. This was perfect.

I began to move, lifting myself up and settling back down, feeling him sliding in and out, stretching me and filling me up. I had imagined this countless times and it was better than anything I had ever fantasized about, because even when I had dreamed about his cock inside my ass, I hadn't factored in how much more intense it would be to have him staring at me like he was—hungry and so fucking beautiful and as if it were taking everything in him not to ravage me senseless.

His eyes beckoned me and I leaned over to kiss him, melting at the sensation of his tongue plunging into my mouth as my hips ground down on his. I almost fell apart when I felt his cool hands moving over my heated skin, first skimming along my thighs then up my chest to rub my nipples. All the myriad stimulation had me moaning and panting into his mouth. I could barely think.

Then his hands were under my ass, holding me steady as he began to thrust up into me, angling his body so that he was hitting just the right spot inside of me. His movements were careful and slow, but devastatingly effective. I reached between us to stroke my cock and then I was coming, my cries filling his mouth as he continued to move deep within me. As I shuddered against him, he tore his mouth from mine and flung his head back away from me, growling as he arched up into me, finding his own release. I watched him in rapt amazement, my body still shaking with tremors. I had never seen anything more stunning. He was otherworldly beauty, savage wildness.

He was mine.

-o-

Jasper's cool fingers trailed up and down my arm and he smiled as goose bumps broke out upon my skin. He loved all my human reactions—the increased beat of my heart whenever his lips met mine, the flush on my skin as I became aroused. We were lying in bed on our sides, facing one another, completely sated after another long afternoon of lovemaking. He was reciting poetry to me, ever the romantic, and I was enjoying the ache in my muscles, ignoring the paper I was supposed be writing and mentally calculating where I'd have bruises from his eager fingers and enthusiastic lips.

These past few weeks had been like a dream. We couldn't get enough of each other. After our long separation and heartache, it was as if we both were desperate to make up for lost time. I'd have my bad days, where the pain of losing my parents would still hit me hard, but having him there to lean on was a gift.

I had loved him when I was in high school. Truly loved him. But it simply couldn't compare to what I felt for him now. I could never have imagined the depths of our intimacy, the simple joy in the knowing of someone and being known in return. When he said he'd never leave me, I believed him, because I couldn't image life without him again.

"Mmmm. I could stay like this forever," I said in a lazy voice, a satisfied smile on my face.

His fingers on my arm stilled and I realized what I had said. It was the unspoken shadow over our current bliss. We would eventually have to part. I would grow older day by day, and then I would die and he would go on, endlessly into the future, forever frozen in his youthful body. Alice had brought up the idea of changing me, but it was something Jasper and I had never discussed.

"You could, you know," he said in a quiet, serious voice. "Stay like this forever."

"Yes, I know. Alice mentioned it."

"Would you want that?"

"I don't know. I haven't thought it through."

"When you were ill, Carlisle wanted me to choose whether you should be turned if you took a turn for the worse."

Alice had mentioned this as well. "What did you tell him?"

"I… refused to decide. I couldn't bear to lose you, but I feared you despising me for all eternity. I prayed that if you pulled through, it could be something we decided on together."

And here we were, discussing my potential immortality.

"Is it really so terrible?" I asked in a whisper. "Do you still hate your life? Yourself?"

"No, not anymore," he said with a soft smile, reaching out to gently rub my cheek with the back of his hand.

"What do you want, Jasper? Do you wish I was like you?"

Conflicting emotions flitted across his face. "That's a difficult question to answer," he finally said.

We talked for the remainder of the day, exploring the ramifications of each decision: what if I were to be turned; what if I were to remain human? It wasn't a question to be decided in one afternoon. I was glad, however, that it was out in the open. Whatever decision we made, it was clear that our future was something we both saw as happening together.

-o-

"So a werewolf, huh?" I asked with cock of my eyebrow.

"A vampire, huh?" she shot back with a grin.

Charlie had just left for work and Bella and I were in the kitchen cleaning up after Thanksgiving dinner. This was my first holiday without my parents and I was grateful for the invitation. I had gotten choked up once earlier in the evening and the hug Bella gave me let me know that no matter what, we would always be friends.

I had spoken to Bella about the Cullens prior to tonight, but only in the most basic of terms—dealing with accepting their existence to start. This was the first time we'd have a chance to talk about things in terms of our current love lives.

"Where is the big bad wolf, anyway?" I asked.

"At home. Thanksgiving isn't really something the tribe celebrates, you know."

"Right. Still, I'm a little surprised he's not around, if only for the fact that you're fraternizing with a known leech lover."

"You've been talking to Alice, I see," she sad with shake of her head and a wry grin.

I grinned back. "She is my roommate, after all. So does he really not let you hang out with her anymore?"

She huffed and rolled her eyes. "He doesn't 'let' or 'not let' me do anything, thank you very much. I think I'm capable of making my own decisions about who I spend time with."

She was still so easy to rile up.

"Fuck you, Edward," she said when she saw my grin.

I just laughed. We spent the next twenty minutes putting the rest of the food away and washing up the dishes before we went to the living room to have some coffee and really talk.

I told her about the conversations I had had with Jasper about becoming a vampire. Interestingly, she was faced with a somewhat similar dilemma herself. The werewolves stopped aging when they phased, apparently. It was only after they ceased phasing for a significant period of time that they began to age again. Bella, also, was facing growing older while her boyfriend remained young. Of course she didn't have the option I had been offered. I wondered how she and Jacob would decide to handle it.

Boyfriend, I also discovered, wasn't really the right word. I learned wolves imprinted on their mates, creating a permanent bond. Jacob had imprinted on Bella. It's why she was moving back and transferring to Seattle. It was very difficult on imprints to be apart.

"Who would ever guess that we'd both be bound for life to supernatural beings before we can even legally order a drink in a bar," she said with a laugh. I joined in thinking that it really was fucking surreal.

"Why doesn't Jacob just stop phasing?" I asked. Unlike Jasper, he had the ability to continue to age.

"It's not that simple. While there's a threat, they're obligated to protect the tribe. By the Cullens' simple presence here, even though they don't hunt humans, there will always be members who will phase. Then when you take into account the nomad vampires who occasionally make their way through the area, it's really unlikely they'd choose to just stop. As a matter of fact, Jacob was telling me about a pair of vampires they chased off just this past weekend—a red haired woman and her mate."

She sighed. "I suppose I'm just going to look like a cradle robber, or God forbid, a cougar, as I get older and Jake stays adorably young."

"Oh, you've got it bad," I said.

"I do," she agreed quite happily.

"Me too," I admitted with a sheepish smile.

"No shit."

-o-

"What are you thinking?" Jasper asked, propping himself up on his elbow.

I was on my back, my hands behind my head, lost in thought. I turned my head to look at him.

"I'm not ready to become a vampire." I watched his reaction carefully. Would he be disappointed?

I saw something that looked like relief flash across his face, and maybe a little disappointment too. I wished I could read his mind.

"I'm not saying not ever," I continued, wanting him to understand how I came to my decision. "But you said for the first year, all I'll be able to think about is blood. And there's always the chance that I'll be actually killed, that whoever turns me gets carried away and doesn't stop in time."

"That's true."

"I want to finish school first, at the very least. There are so many risks and unknowns, it seems foolish to voluntarily choose that path when what we have here and now is, to my mind at least, pretty fucking perfect.

"In a few years, we can reevaluate."

"Sounds reasonable."

"Are you disappointed?"

"Of course not."

"I don't want you to think it's because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you, because I do."

A smile began to grow on his gorgeous face.

"And I don't want you to think that I view becoming a vampire as some horrible awful fate, because I don't. Granted, there are aspects of it that sound exceedingly… unpleasant. But I know you'll do everything you can to keep me from attacking anyone."

"I will."

"And frankly, spending eternity with you sounds not so bad."

"Not so bad, is it?" he asked with a smile.

"Not so bad," I said, smiling back.

There was one other thing I needed to tell him. "I want you to promise me something."

"What's that?" He sensed the seriousness in my voice.

"If there's ever a situation like Mexico, I mean where I'm sick enough that I'm going to die, I want you to promise that you'll turn me. Will you promise?"

His eyes searched my face. "I promise."

I let out a breath in relief. "Thank you. I… I just can't stand the thought of you being alone after I'm gone."

He leaned over and kissed me then, the kind of kiss that made my stomach swoop and my head spin.

"Edward?" he said as he pulled back.

"Hmmm?" I asked, still dazed from his kiss.

"You're pretty fucking perfect," he said before he kissed me again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 22 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/12/chapter-22-sacred-moments.html)


	24. Chapter 23 - The First Beheading of the Jasmine

**"Night is the shadow of my father's hands  
setting the clock for resurrection.  
Or is it the clock unraveled, the numbers flown?  
There's nothing that hasn't found home there:  
discarded wings, lost shoes, a broken alphabet.  
Everything but sleep. And night begins  
with the first beheading  
of the jasmine."**

_-Li-Young Lee, "Pillow", l. 15-22_

* * *

**Chapter 23 - The First Beheading of the Jasmine**

 

JPOV

God, the heat. Every touch seared fire across my skin. His hands on my chest burned and my own were aflame, red hot, resting on his thighs as he rocked above me. As I sunk deep inside him, his body embracing me, I thought I might combust in a raging inferno. But it was his eyes, his beautiful eyes, darkened with passion that threatened to incinerate me, his fiery gaze penetrating so deeply, I could almost believe he was branding his emotions onto my very soul.

When I was with him like this, joined so intimately, my senses accessing the recesses of his innermost feelings, I felt bathed in his love, its power a benediction transforming me from ice and stone to flesh and bone. And when we reached the peak of our pleasure, I was completely consumed in the conflagration, flesh combusting to flame, bone crumbling to ash. In those divine moments of cataclysmic annihilation, I understood, finally, immortality.

I was reborn in his arms, his sweet kisses, the tender stroking of his hands, calling me back to my body, back to a place of thought and touch and sound, his quiet proclamations of devotion landing in my ears, pulling me back to the things of the earth. Then his mouth was on mine, our tongues languidly tangling together and I closed my eyes, treasuring the bittersweet impulse to want to freeze time.

"I love you more than words could ever express," I whispered to him, and he answered in kind, pulling me closer and letting his fingers, his lips, his body speak.

I never imagined it was possible to feel this much joy.

-o-

Edward was sleeping. I had watched him for hours, studying the gentle rise and fall of his chest, breathing deeply as he exhaled close to my face, the tiny puffs of air a lover's caress. He had fallen asleep after we had made love, limbs wrapped tightly around me. I held him in my arms until I felt his skin start to chill, then I had reluctantly pulled away, careful not to wake him, and wrapped him in a blanket before taking a place back by his side.

I heard Alice in the kitchen and I leaned over to gently place a kiss on the top of Edward's head, filling my lungs with his scent to keep him with me before easing out of bed.

She smiled as I joined her and I gave her one in return.

"Were you hunting?" I asked, noting the slight flush on her cheek.

"Yes. It's a beautiful night. Why don't you go? I'll stay here with Edward."

"All right. Thank you." I gave her a hug before heading out.

I had tried to hunt more frequently since our return from Mexico. I no longer feared succumbing to thirst and drinking from Edward in a lapse of control, but with our greater intimacy and closeness, I found that regular feedings helped minimize the burn.

As I sped through the woods, listening to the sounds of the night, I recalled other times similar to this where I ran, attempting to escape the impossibility of my existence. The urge to flee still hit at times, but it was different in every way from before.

My family couldn't be happier for us. When I was in Forks, I'd sense Carlisle's pride, his deep satisfaction at the easing of my heartache, a welcome change from the helplessness his compassionate nature had always found hard to bear. Esme practically beamed when she saw Edward and me together. She'd look on us with such maternal affection, I'm sure there would be tears in her eyes were it possible. Emmett, of course, was highly enthusiastic about our physical relationship, something that was impossible to hide from sharp vampire senses. The scent of our arousal was evident whenever we were together, not to mention our inability to keep our hands off each other. Rosalie had learned of Edward's decision to remain human; her approval was without question.

Then there was Alice… my dear sweet Alice. Her joy at our happiness rivaled my own.

It was all good. Almost too good. And that's why I sometimes found myself hurtling through the forest, my feet flying across the ground. I was unaccustomed to these emotions, this deep happiness, the sense of being loved and the accompanying belief it might actually be something I deserved. Sometimes it was too much and I felt as if I might burst out of my own skin.

After racing for hours, the nervous energy would wear off and I could return home with the ability to accept the abundance that was now my life.

The sun was rising and I hurried back, eager to catch that first glimpse of Edward as he emerged from slumber. I loved the way his eyes would search for mine and the lazy, sleepy smile that would creep across his face when he first awoke. He'd rub his eyes then greet me with a quiet, "hey," his voice rough from sleep, and then he'd reach for me, pulling me down next to him so I could feel his erection. If it were a weekend, or a day without a morning class, we'd lie in bed and make love. If he needed to get ready for school, he'd groan piteously, grinding himself against my thigh, and I'd laugh and then make him coffee while he took his shower.

Alice smiled as me as I sat at the table drinking coffee, after sending Edward off to class with a passionate kiss.

"I can't believe you still drink that stuff," she mused with a smile.

"Caffeine is addictive," I joked.

She rolled her eyes. "You don't have to pretend with me, Jasper. I understand why you do." She wrinkled her nose adorably. "But don't you think it might be easier to, I don't know, borrow his shirt or something?"

I laughed, loving her teasing, and at the same time, smiling to myself at the thought of borrowing some of his clothes that were permeated with his scent, keeping them next to my skin while he was away. That didn't mean I would give up the coffee, though. The taste of coffee was the taste of Edward's lips.

Alice was smiling at me fondly, no doubt following my train of thought.

"And do you really need reminders of Edward anymore? I mean, you practically live here."

I looked around the room, noting a few of my books interspersed with hers and Edward's belongings. I thought of the clothing I kept in his room.

"I think you should talk to Edward soon, and move some more of your things over here and make it official."

At her suggestion, I saw our future stretching out before us, Edward and I sharing the everydayness of life, watching him wake in the morning and having him fall asleep in my arms every night. I saw him graduating from college and going to law school. I saw our love continuing to grow as we traveled the years together. I could picture him as he aged, the lines around his eye and his mouth growing deeper, the hair at his temples gaining touches of grey, yet always so beautiful. I could see him, middle-aged, envisioning that I might shift to the role of his young lover, wondering how long we could get away with our age disparity without raising eyebrows. Maybe I'd get a job, teach history at the University, to add some gravitas to my image. I smiled at the thought. I felt a sense of peace seeing his human life play out in my mind, realizing that I'd be able to accept whatever future he chose, even if he decided never to be turned.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes, really," she said with a gentle smile.

I was touched by the emotions I felt from her, always the undercurrent of longing, but there was nothing but pure joy for me. Her perpetual hopefulness humbled me. I owed her everything.

Reaching for her hand, I tugged her into my lap, wrapping my arms around her and burying my face in her hair.

"Thank you, Alice, for everything. For finding me and pulling me out of the darkness. For teaching me a new way of life. For my family. For Edward."

"I'm just happy that you're happy, Jasper," she said, her voice muffled against my chest.

I wrapped my arms around her tighter still.

-o-

I hung up the phone, my mind racing. Immediately, I called over to the house.

"Where's Alice?" I barked when Esme answered the phone.

"She's right here," Esme answered surprised. "What's going on Jasper?" I'm sure she could hear the tension in my voice.

"I'm coming over. I'll tell you when I get there. Keep Alice there. Don't let her leave."

"I will. Jasper?" I heard the fear in Esme's voice, her mothering instincts at the ready sensing a threat to one of her brood. I was glad Emmett and Rosalie were with her.

"I'll be over soon. Just keep her there. Keep her safe."

Edward was listening to our conversation, a concerned expression on his face. We had come to Forks for the weekend and were checking on the Masen house before heading over to pack up some of my things to move back to Seattle. When I finished my call with Esme, he asked, "Who was that call from before? What's going on?"

"Alice is in danger."

"What? How? From whom?"

"That was Tanya. Let's go; I'll tell you in the car."

As we drove over, I relayed the conversation I had had with Tanya.

_"Jasper?" she asked when I answered my cell._

_"Tanya!" I had exclaimed, happy to hear from her. "It's good to hear your voice."_

_"I'm so sorry this isn't a social call. I need to talk to you. Warn you."_

_"Tell me."_

_"You remember Laurent?" I felt an ache in my chest remembering my days in Alaska and the green eyed young man pressed between Irina and Laurent, his body brought to pleasure before me, a reminder of all I had foolishly left behind and almost lost forever._

_"Yes."_

_"If you recall, he was traveling with two other nomads, but stayed behind with us for a while, intrigued by our lifestyle."_

_I acknowledged her reminder._

_"He grew dissatisfied with an animal diet and eventually left to rejoin his friends. Luckily, he was with us—or at least Irina—long enough to feel some measure of loyalty. One of his companions is a vampire named James. A tracker. He knows your Alice. Knew her. When she was human."_

_"What?" I asked, shocked._

_"Jasper, he calls her 'the one who got away.'"_

_I froze, my body immediately on alert._

_"Laurent called when he realized James had recognized her from his stories of his time with us. Even though Laurent hasn't met Alice, we certainly discussed her and her gift. He knows we consider all of you family. Laurent won't turn against James, but he felt he had to warn us. James plans to track her… to finish what he started decades ago."_

_"Tell me everything you know," I demanded._

_"I don't know much. Alice was a patient in a mental institution. One of the employees, a vampire, befriended her. This vampire and James were enemies. I don't know the details of any of that, how or why. Only that James planned to hurt his rival by killing Alice, but she had already been turned by her friend before he got the chance. James destroyed the other vampire in retaliation, but apparently, never got over being thwarted."_

_"Where are they now?"_

_"I don't know. But be careful. Laurent says not to underestimate James. He's extremely intelligent and absolutely lethal. He'll never give up."_

_Then I'd have to destroy him. I had no qualms about what I'd need to do. Loving Edward had so radically changed me that I no longer despised the monster I had once been, nor the killer who still resided within me. Indeed, in this moment I was grateful for my battle scars, my years of strife. I doubted James had ever been faced with an adversary like me before._

_"He's traveling with his mate, a red haired woman named Victoria. If I learn more, I'll let you know."_

When I had finished relaying the conversation to Edward, he mused, "I bet those were the vampires Bella was talking about over Thanksgiving."

"What?" I looked over at him in surprise.

"Yeah, she said Jacob and the pack had chased off a couple of nomad vampires recently."

"I better have Carlisle talk to Sam," I determined.

After meeting with the family and discussing the situation with the pack, several decisions had been reached. Emmett and I, along with the wolves, would hunt for this James and his mate. Alice would stay in Forks with Esme, Carlisle and Rosalie. The wolves offered to expand their regular patrols to include our house. Alice complained at first, insisting she was perfectly capable of fighting if necessary, but agreed with the plan after we discussed it would be easier if she stayed in once place, in order to try and draw them near.

For Edward's protection, in case James came looking for Alice in Seattle, he would temporarily move out and stay with Bella at her apartment. Her planned move to Seattle and enrollment at the University had finally come to fruition and she would be starting classes after the end of winter break. Jacob would also live with them both. It was likely an unnecessary precaution, but Jacob refused to leave Bella unprotected and I had to admit that I was grateful for his presence, since I would be unable to stay close to Edward while hunting James.

Already, I felt a pang of disappointment that what was supposed to have been our first night officially living together had been disrupted. Alice had planned to stay in Forks for the rest of the break while Edward and I went back to Seattle, giving us some time on our own. Instead, Edward would be bunking with Bella and the shape-shifter while I prowled the forests for James and Victoria. It was a disappointment, but a small price to pay; I'd do anything to keep Alice safe.

I drove with Edward back to Seattle to get him settled with Bella before returning to Forks. Jacob was already at the apartment and scowled when he opened the door. Bella pushed past him to give Edward a hug.

"Hey, I'm so glad you're staying here. The circumstances suck, but this will be so much fun," she said pulling back with a big smile. She reached over to give me a hug as well and I watched Jacob's lip curl up in disgust as his expression darkened.

She released me from the hug, but held tightly to my arm. "Please keep Alice safe."

"I will."

"Good. I'll, um, just wait inside while you two say goodbye," Bella said, leaving Edward and me in the doorway.

Edward reached out for my hands and took them in his. As he stared at me, I could see the worry in his eyes.

"I know you've been in, like, a million battles, but… please be careful." His voice dropped to a whisper as he spoke. Then he tugged me towards him and let go of my hands to wrap his arms around me and hold me close. I could feel the beating of his heart against my chest. He was so warm and vibrant. I vowed to hunt James relentlessly, the sooner to be able to come home to my beautiful boy.

I leaned back, putting my fingers under his chin, so I could raise his face from where it was buried against my shoulder.

"I'll be fine. And Alice will be safe. Okay?" I said quietly, looking into his expressive green eyes. He didn't answer.

"Okay?" I asked again, a little more forcefully.

"Okay," he conceded. "I'm just worried. And I'll miss you," he added softly. "I've kind of gotten used to you watching me sleep."

"I've kind of gotten used to watching you sleep, too," I replied with a smile.

Then he leaned closer and our lips met. I was lost in Edward, lost in his touch, his taste, his feel. He melted against me and his hands reached up to bury themselves in my hair as he groaned into my mouth. The embers he seemed to always carry with him flared to life and I felt myself being consumed in his heat—his love, desire, passion, want, a flame burning through me.

"Ugh," a deep voice said in disgust from inside the apartment. "At least shut the door. I do _not_ need to see this."

We reluctantly pulled apart with a small laugh, although my body ached at the separation. Edward rolled his eyes, pupils still wide, and muttered, "Going to be so much fun, my ass."

He shut his eyes for a moment and I could feel him trying to gain control of himself, reining in the desire that our touches had unleashed. He took a few deep breaths then opened his eyes to give me his crooked grin as he adjusted himself with a grimace. Next he took my hand and brought it to his chest, spreading my fingers open, over his heart. He held it there, with his hands over mine.

"Feel," he commanded.

And I did. I felt the rapid beat of his heart, the blood rushing through the arteries. I felt the heat of his skin. I felt life, his life, pulsing under my fingers. And I felt his love, deep and pure. I felt his devotion, unwavering. I felt his fear, his worry, too, but it was eclipsed by the enormity of his love.

"Promise me you'll come back," he said, his intense stare pinning me in place.

"I promise."

"Okay." He dropped his hand and pulled me to him for one last kiss, thorough and deep, claiming me, owning me, even though I was his already. Completely.

He stepped away, entered the apartment and closed the door behind him, leaving me standing on the other side.

"I hope you two plan to take showers," I heard Jacob snarl through the door. Bella's indignant voice answered him back.

I shook my head laughing, and with a reluctant heart, set out into the darkness.

-o-

"Oh my god, Jasper, you have got to hurry up and catch James. You have no idea what it's like living with him. I can't imagine what Bella sees in the guy. He's such a dick," Edward complained to me over the phone. "Do you know what he said today? I never knew there were so many vampire insults in the English language. He said…" I listened as Edward recounted yet another story about Jacob, his irritating, insulting, hot-headed, shape-shifting, temporary roommate. I didn't mention that I suspected Jacob's hostility had more to do with Edward's de-flowering of his imprintee rather than his chosen mate being a vampire.

The separation from Edward aside, I was frustrated as well. After hunting James for over a week, we were still unable to catch him or Victoria. We had been close several times, but somehow, they always managed to elude us. Alice's gift had been of little help. She'd see small flashes, but they changed too fast, were too brief to make any sense.

The entire situation was hitting her hard. Finally, she had some pieces of her human past, but the tiny details we knew left her with far more questions than answers.

"Do you think my family put me in the institution?" she had asked, her voice laced with sadness.

"I don't know."

"I probably had visions as a human."

"Probably."

"They must have thought I was mad.

"I wonder what he was like, the vampire who turned me," she continued without waiting for a response, and indeed, what sort of response could I have given?

"I don't know."

"I wonder if I'll ever know his name."

I didn't comment, just pulled her into my lap.

"It sounds like he cared about me, though. Do you think it sounded like he cared about me?"

"Yes. It sounds like he cared for you a great deal."

"I wish I could remember him," she said, wistfully.

"I know."

"I wonder how old I was, when I was sent to the institution."

And so it went, with the questions going round and round and round.

My sweet Alice.

"When this is all over… when things settle down a bit, we'll go find Laurent. We'll find out everything he knows and we'll try to get some answers for you, all right?" I asked.

"Really?"

"Of course."

"Thank you, Jasper."

"I love you, Alice."

"I love you, too."

I hoped we could discover some answers for Alice. Now that I had my own measure of peace I wanted her to find the same. Edward, the source of some of that very peace, was currently winding down from his stream of complaints about Jacob.

"I'm sorry to talk your ear off, but I needed to vent. The guy just gets to me. And it's not like I can say anything to Bella about him."

"I don't mind. Although I wish circumstances didn't require us to spend so much time apart. Where is Jacob now? You know he could probably hear everything you said. The wolves have sharpened hearing, even in human form."

"Yeah, I already figured that out the hard way. Don't ask," he said, his voice filled with chagrin.

I laughed.

"Anyway, he's out patrolling the neighborhood. Or chasing stray cats or something. I think Bella and I are going to catch a movie later tonight. Get a last night of relaxation in before school starts up again. I wish Mike hadn't had to go back to Chicago already. I barely got to see him this break."

"The movies sounds like fun. I wish I could join you."

"I wish you could too," he said before falling silent.

I ached to hold him, to be with him again.

"I miss you." My longing pulled the words from my lips.

"I know." It wasn't arrogance that drove the response; he knew because he felt the same.

"It won't be much longer."

"I hope you're right."

We fell silent again, and I knew each of us was avoiding hanging up the phone, not wanting to sever the connection. As I tried to think of something to say, something to ease the ache of separation, I heard the sound of voices in the background.

"Jacob's back. I guess I better go."

"All right. Have fun tonight."

"Thanks."

"Goodbye, Edward."

"Goodbye."

As I reached to hang up the phone, I heard Edward say, "Wait!"

"What is it?"

"Just… be careful."

"I will. I promise."

"Okay. I'll talk to you later. Will you maybe call me again later tonight?"

"Of course."

"Okay. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

I hung up the phone and headed out for the woods again. The pack had caught James' scent earlier and I wanted to examine the area for myself, to see if I could discern a pattern to his movements.

I returned to Forks that evening, discouraged anew. James' movements seemed totally random. I felt almost as if we were being led on a wild goose chase. As I walked in the door Alice greeted me excitedly.

"Jasper, I was just about to call you. I saw something. Victoria is heading toward Seattle. She's planning to break into the house and wait for me. They're splitting up—James here and Victoria there—in case I decide to return when school starts again. They want to cover their bases."

Finally, a break. I gave Alice a hug. "I'm going to give Jacob a call to let him know. If he can hold Victoria there until we arrive, we can try and find out where James is from her."

"I want to come with you."

"It will be safer for you here."

"I'll be safest with you."

I couldn't disagree.

"Please, Jasper. I'm tired of being cooped up here, and this way I'll be right there if I have another vision."

"If you have another vision, you can call me on the phone," I argued, but I already knew I wouldn't be traveling back to Seattle alone.

"Jacob?" I said when he answered the phone.

"Yeah."

"Where are Bella and Edward?"

"I dropped them off at the movies. I'll be picking them up in a bit."

"Victoria's coming to Seattle," I explained. "She'll be there shortly, at Alice and Edward's house. Can you get over there and make sure she doesn't leave? And don't kill her. We need her to find out how to get James."

"I'm on my way. Can you text them and let them know where I am? Have them wait at the theater until one of us can pick them up."

"Will do. We'll be there as fast as we can."

After explaining the latest developments to Emmett, who would relay them to Sam, Alice and I started off for Seattle. We chose to run, rather than drive, in order to get there faster. When we were on the outskirts of the city, Alice came to an abrupt halt. I could see the blank expression on her face that indicated she was having another vision.

When here eyes refocused on mine, she looked shell shocked.

"It's not me," she whispered, horrified. "It was never me. It was all just a game. He's after Bella. James wants his revenge by taking Bella away from me, just as he tried to hurt the vampire in the institution by taking me from him. Jasper, he's going to kill Bella," her voice had risen to almost hysterics.

I was on the phone immediately, instructing Emmett to reach the pack, so they could let Jacob know. Then we were running, as fast as we could, trying to reach Bella, the one Alice loved best in the world after her family, before James did.

I couldn't even think about the fact that Edward was with Bella. I couldn't think about it. I had to put it out of my head completely. We had to get to Bella.

Alice and I raced side by side, the cold night air whipping past our faces. I felt the chill, even through my ice cold skin. I wanted to speak reassurances, to tell Alice we had nothing to worry about, but I was too terrified.

It all played out in front of my eyes like a horrible dream, everything happening at once. I was helpless to stop any of it.

Bella and Edward, who had been sitting on the curb of the empty parking lot, were scrambling to their feet in panic as large blue van barreled straight toward them, James at the wheel. Jacob, like Alice and I, was racing toward them, but we were all too far away to reach them in time. I watched as Edward reached over to shove Bella out of the way of the speeding vehicle an instant before the van connected with his body with a sickening thud, throwing his limp form through the air to land yards away.

My anguished "NOOO" thundered through the night over the screeching sound of brakes as Jacob leapt at the figure fleeing from the van and caught him around the throat. With a savage growl, sleek fur shining in the moonlight, he ripped James' head from his neck and shook it violently between his powerful jaws.

I rushed to Edward's side and dropped to my knees, begging him to still be alive. I felt a pulse, but just barely. His body was crushed and blood dripped from the side of his mouth; I knew his injuries were beyond help. I was huddled over him, sobbing, praying, babbling nonsense, when I felt Alice's firm grip on my shoulder, shaking me.

"You have to turn him, Jasper. You have to do it now. You don't have much time."

"Absolutely not," Jacob's voice cut in. I looked up to see him towering over us, naked and angry, still wound up from his kill. I knew that feeling, the high of battle, the rush of power. "You do and I'll destroy you both."

"He has to," Alice argued. "Edward's going to die."

"Better death than the unnatural existence of your kind," Jacob spat.

I leapt to my feet. "You're one to talk about unnatural existence, dog."

"Don't think for a second that I'm going to kill one blood sucker only to let another take its place," he growled.

"I promised him," I roared.

"Then you'll break the treaty, and your family will no longer be protected from our kind," he ground out in return. "You'll all be dead then."

My body shifted in an automatic reflex, taking the stance of war. I was ready to fight him, to decimate him where he stood, the arrogant pup, delaying my ability to ensure Edward's survival.

We circled each other warily, gauging the other's weaknesses. Before either of could make a move, Bella was between us, pushing Jacob backwards, her hands against his chest. A trickle of blood painted her forehead where she had hit her head on the pavement.

"Stop it you two. Stop it! Jacob, Edward is dying. You have to let them save him!"

"That's not saving him, Bella," Jacob yelled back. "That's damning him, and who knows how many others, once he gets his first taste of blood."

"They're not like that. You know that. Jacob, please," Bella begged. "What if it were me? What if I were going to die and you had the chance to save me? That could have been me. What if it had been me?" Tears poured down her face. She clung to him, sobbing, begging for Edward's life.

I was going to do what I needed regardless, but I hesitated, giving him the opportunity to make the right choice. His internal struggle was written on his face, but as he looked into Bella's beseeching eyes, I could see his expression soften. He reached a shaking hand up to gently touch her cheek, and I could see the reality of how close he came to losing her—and would have were it not for Edward—finally take hold. He shut his eyes, giving a small nod of his head, before burying his face in her hair.

I was back at Edward's side instantly, checking to make sure he was still with us. I was gripped with a paralyzing fear. Now that the moment was upon us, I wondered if I could actually follow through. I had promised, but could I really turn him into ice and stone? Could I bear to send him through the flames and freeze him in time for all eternity? Could I transform him into something like me?

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I raged at the unfairness of it all, at everything that had happened to Edward in his short human life. And now, just as things were going well, now that we were both so happy, for this to happen…

"Jasper, you don't have time. You have to do it now," Alice's frantic voice spoke in my ear.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself, remembering my promise and praying with everything in me that this was what he truly wanted. Then I cradled the broken body of my beloved boy in my arms and kissed his face gently before sinking my teeth into the soft skin of his throat.

His blood gushed into my mouth and I swallowed greedily. It had been years, decades since I had tasted such bliss and I closed my eyes in pleasure, groaning against his neck. I could taste each exquisite drop, feel it streaming through my body, feel my cock responding to the unbearable ecstasy. And because it was Edward's blood, it was only more precious, more satisfying than any meal I had ever drunk before. Edward's life was flowing into me setting every nerve on fire, filling me with euphoria. I never wanted this feeling to end, I thought, as the blood poured through me, intoxicating me. I moaned against his skin again, losing myself in the taste, in the heady aroma, reveling in the potent power of his life's blood. I never wanted this feeling to end.

Never.

I reared back in horror, recognizing the pull of the blood lust, realizing I was on the verge of succumbing to it as I had so many times in the past, knowing I had been seconds away from losing control and draining my beloved completely dry. I could feel my body's arousal, knew there'd be a flush on my cheeks, and I was filled with disgust at the thought of taking pleasure while his very life was being drained from his body.

Alice was at my side, murmuring words of encouragement, telling me I had done well, that my reaction was natural, that Edward would be grateful it had been me, that he would want me to have this gift.

I stared down at Edward's face, pale like a ghost, my emotions threatening to tear me apart.

Now all we could do was wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 23 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2011/01/chapter-23-frirst-beheading-of-jasmine.html)


	25. Chapter 24 - Permanent Tenderness

**"There where the waves shatter on the restless rocks  
the clear light bursts and enacts its rose,  
and the sea-circle shrinks to a cluster of buds,  
to one drop of blue salt, falling.**

**O bright magnolia bursting in the foam,  
magnetic transient whose death blooms  
and vanishes-being, nothingness-forever:  
broken salt, dazzling lurch of the sea.**

**You & I, Love, together we ratify the silence,  
while the sea destroys its perpetual statues,  
collapses its towers of wild speed and whiteness:**

**because in the weavings of those invisible fabrics,  
galloping water, incessant sand,  
we make the only permanent tenderness."**

_\- Pablo Neruda, "Sonnet IX"_

* * *

**Chapter 24 – Permanent Tenderness**

 

EPOV

As I returned from feeding, racing across the Alaskan wilderness, I reached out with my mind, anxious to reconnect with my beautiful Jasper. When the first tendrils of thought filtered their way into my consciousness, I felt an immediate relief, as though something vital I hadn't even been aware of missing had now been returned. His thoughts, as so often was the case, were of me. I could picture him still, sitting on the corner of the couch in the living room of our cabin, his history book held open in front of him in one hand, his eyes unfocused on the page, but instead turned inward, re-playing moments of our lives together. His lap was empty save for the hand resting on his thigh, where until recently, my head had lain.

There were no corners of his mind that were closed to me, no pathway of thought I had not traveled down. Yet, I was constantly struck anew at the beauty of his mind, at his strength and intelligence, at the immeasurable love he held for me.

Right now he was recalling the feel of his fingers sliding through my hair, thinking about how much he loved simply being with me, relaxing and enjoying an afternoon of reading, loving the play of the silken strands against his skin. In his mind he made comparisons to earlier times, to when I was human, and my heart beat with passion as he professed his feelings in a torrent of poetry spilling from his lips.

My hair was one physical attribute that remained unchanged from the time I had been human. I initially worried that he would never love this new body the way he had loved the old. I remembered how he used to stand vigil outside my home every night, remembered him telling me how the sound of my heart grounded him and filled him with calm. I remembered the way he spoke of my skin, my eyes, how his descriptions were full of living imagery, my cheeks the petals of flowers, my eyes a leafy green. I knew how much he had hated his own granite flesh and I wondered if mine would make him feel the same.

Jasper let me know, without any room for doubt, that my fears were unfounded.

"I loved your green eyes, because they were yours," he had said. He placed his hand flat against my chest. "I loved the sound of your heartbeat, because it was your heart. I loved the flush on your cheeks, because it was your blood flowing under your skin. And I love your new body," he continued, running his hands up my arms, igniting a fire with his touch, "this flesh of ice and stone, because it is your body." His hands moved up to gently cup my cheeks. "I love your blood red eyes, just as I'll love your golden ones, as much as I loved your green ones, because they are yours, and every time I stare into them, I see forever, no matter what the color. These bodies, they are but vessels… transitory things. Tanya helped me realize that. It's love that's eternal."

Coming from anyone else, his words would sound incredibly sappy, but from Jasper… my vampire warrior with a poet's soul, they sounded heartfelt and romantic and sexy as hell. I leaned in to kiss him then, overwhelmed by the desire flaring from his simple touches. Every sensation was enhanced a hundred fold. The soft pressure of his lips, the gentle touch of his tongue sliding against mine short circuited every thought I had. I swayed toward him moaning into his mouth, gripping his shoulders with my fingers, thinking my new vampire strength wouldn't be enough to keep me upright as my knees threatened to buckle from under me. My mouth was full of the taste of him—delicious, heady, so fucking perfect. I wanted to devour him. Consume him. Crawl into his skin and merge us into one so this amazing feeling never had to stop. My mind was full of Jasper, his taste, his smell, the feel of his mouth against mine. Nothing in the world existed but him. Everything was Jasper.

A whimper escaped my lips as he pulled back and my mouth lost contact with his. His pupils were dark, ringed by a narrow circle of red and I could feel the desire rolling off him in waves. It took me a few minutes to realize that we had barely kissed, our lips and tongues meeting in but a brief caress. I could hear him wondering if this was too soon, if I needed more time to adjust to this new body, to these new sensations, if I had recovered from my earlier ordeal.

I could see images of the two of us playing through his mind. Me leaning over him, a drop of sweat dripping down my temple, face flushed, rocking slowly as I lifted my hips and slowly brought them back down… my green eyes looking up at him through dark lashes as my lips wrapped around his cock… the shape of my ass as I knelt on the bed, his hands parting me as a finger slipped inside of me… Image after image flashed in his mind, like a slide show in fast forward motion. His want was a tangible thing, reaching out for me, swirling around my body like a magnetic force. I could hear him wonder what it would be like not to have to hold back, to touch me in ways he was never able to before.

"Then touch me, Jasper," I urged. "Touch me like you never could before. Don't hold back. I don't want you to hold anything back."

His indecision kept him rooted, always so thoughtful, so careful to try and make the choices that were best for me, putting my needs above his own. What he hadn't yet realized was that I was as desperate for his touch as he was for mine.

"Touch me, Jasper," I repeated. "Please."

Whether it was the "please" or that he could sense my aching need, my words seemed to spur him into action. With a groan he closed the distance between us and crashed his lips against mine. The force of his movement propelled me backwards to the wall and I felt it crack behind me as his body slammed against mine. I moaned loudly into his mouth as I felt his firm thighs, his chest, his hips, his entire body pressed up against me. I reached around his back, grabbing his ass, pulling his groin toward mine, lining us up so I could frantically rub my cock against his. His hand were tearing at my clothes, ripping the shirt away from my body, cradling my face and stroking my neck as he ravaged my mouth with his tongue, then moving over my skin, across my shoulders, over my chest, flicking my nipples with his thumbs.

I marveled at how his skin, which used to feel so cool and hard, now felt pliant and warm. I wanted to explore more of it, as much as I could against my own. I wanted to taste it, touch it. Using my new strength, I grabbed his hips, and gave a hard push, twisting his body so that his back was now to the wall and I was leaning into him. His head fell back with a thud and he moaned as I latched onto his neck with my mouth, sucking and licking and scraping his skin with my teeth.

"Fuck, Edward," he gasped as I pulled his shirt over his head, grabbing his wrists with my hand and holding them against the wall while my mouth explored his bare chest. He gasped again as I circled his nipple with my tongue and his hips bucked forward, his erection straining. I used my free hand to unfasten his pants then plunged my hand down the waistband, grasping his cock in a firm grip.

He gave a strangled cry as I stroked him and writhed under the steady movements of my hand. His hips pumped into my fist and I watched him react, his head thrown back and eyes closed in ecstasy. Breathless pants escaped his lips. Initially, he had struggled to free his hands, but now his arms were still as he lost himself in my touch. I couldn't believe how hot he looked, finally able to let himself go, to let himself enjoy this physical pleasure without the worry of breaking me, or succumbing to the lure of my blood. I sped up my movements and released his wrists so I could use my other hand to reach down and cup his balls. Another moan left his lips and his arms fell limply to his sides. He pressed his palms against the wall behind him and thrust his hips forward again and again, faster and faster, chasing his impending release.

Overcome with a sudden need to taste him, I dropped to my knees and pulled his pants further down his thighs. "Fuck my mouth," I demanded before licking the length of his cock and closing my lips around the slick head. It tasted just as delicious as I remembered, only more potent, more flavorful. Jasper growled, grabbing onto my hair and then he was thrusting into my mouth, down my throat, with a wild and frenzied pace. As I reached once again between his legs to massage his balls and press lightly on that soft spot of skin behind them, he pulled sharply on my hair and stiffened with loud cry as his cock shot streams of cum into my mouth.

I struggled to swallow it all as Jasper's hips jerked above me. When he finally stilled, he dropped to his knees next to me, eyes dark and wild, and savaged my lips in a bruising kiss. A long moan was torn deep from my chest when his hand found my own aching erection.

"You begged me to touch you, now let me," he panted in my ear as he gave me a firm squeeze. "I want to feel every inch of you." He pushed me back so that I was lying on the ground while he covered my body with his own, kissing, licking, sucking on my throat, my jaw, my neck, whispering dirty things in my ear while his hand continued its maddening strokes, long and slow, enough to keep me on the edge, but not push me over.

With a frustrated growl, I flipped us again so that he was on his back under me, and I was on top of him. I rutted against him, my hips bucking frantically, my cock sliding against his, already hard again.

"One of the benefits of being a vampire?" I asked with a breathless laugh, and he chuckled, then groaned, head tipping back, chest arching up when my hand grasped both of our dicks and held them tightly together as I frotted against him. He only let me keep control for a few seconds until he was batting my hand away, flipping us again so that he was on top and it was his hand gripping our cocks.

I was barely coherent as my body writhed against his, loving the feel of his weight against mine. I flipped him again and sat up, straddling his thighs, wanting to watch his face, see what our cocks looked like lined up together like this. He let me stroke us together for just a moment or two, leaning up on his elbow, eyes hooded and dark, then he was back in control, panting, "Oh, no you don't. It's my turn," before pushing me backwards again. We wrestled back and forth for control, rolling across the floor. I heard the crash of a lamp as we knocked over a table, but I didn't care because my head was full of Jasper and his hand was on my cock and nothing had ever felt as good as this, and I was crying out and coming all over his fist.

I felt everything he was feeling, lust and love and want and gratitude and pleasure all rolled up into a ball of emotions that threatened to explode inside my chest. Words of adoration and desire tumbled from him and it took me moments to realize he wasn't speaking, his mouth firmly latched to mine, our tongues sliding together, teeth clashing gracelessly as we devoured each other, but that I was hearing his thoughts in my head. A sense of wonder flooded me as our gifts allowed a level of closeness I never could have dreamed, and then I was drowning again in heady desire, his cock hard against my thigh, my own growing stiff again.

"More," I begged against his lips. "I need more."

He moaned, gathering me to him and holding me close, arms wrapped tightly around me. Then he stood, pulling me to my feet, kissing me deeply until I thought I would melt back onto the floor. He slowly walked me backwards, kissing me all the while, hands roaming over my back, my ass, my sides, embracing me tightly again and again, now that he was finally able to do so without fear.

When the back of my knees connected with something solid, he gave me a slight shove and I tumbled backward onto the bed. "Lie back," he directed and I scooted up to lay my head on the pillows as he settled himself between my legs. Jasper had given me many blow jobs before, but nothing could compare to this, to his lips and tongue wrapped around my cock while his stream of commentary filled my head—how he loved sucking my cock, loved giving me pleasure, loved seeing me fall apart in his arms, loved the taste of my cum, how he couldn't wait until it was shooting down his throat. He pulled off for a second and I whimpered at the loss of contact, but his voice was in my head, promising it would be even better in just a minute. I leaned up to see him sucking his fingers into his mouth, coating them with moisture, then he took me deep again while his finger simultaneously pressed into my ass.

My body practically lifted off the bed the pleasure was so intense. He used one hand to press against my abdomen, holding me down as his finger slid in and out in time to the movements of his head. When he started thinking about fucking me, how he couldn't wait to have his dick filling me up, slamming into me, letting me feel everything he felt, his wild desire, I couldn't hold back and I let loose with a loud cry, my body spasming again and again as he swallowed my release.

Before I could even begin to recover from my intense orgasm, he had turned my body over and shifted me to my knees, spreading my cheeks with his hands and pressing his face against my hole, licking across my entrance, teasing it with flicks of his tongue. I could feel myself quivering in response and unbelievably, my dick was reacting to each caress, growing hard again. He pressed a finger into me while licking all around my entrance and I thought I might come again from that alone, especially when he slid another finger in and reached deep, stroking that spot inside that drove me wild.

"Holy fuck," I panted. "How is this even possible? You're going to make me come again."

He pulled his fingers out and replaced them with his tongue, thrusting it in as far as he could reach. My hands gripped the bedding as I pressed my face down into the pillows, muffling my ragged cries. When he reached his hand around to stroke my dick while he fucked me from behind with his tongue, I raised my head, begging him to stop.

"You've got to stop. I'm too close. I need you inside me first. Please, fuck me, Jasper. Please."

He let loose another one of his growls and then I felt him shift behind me, felt him at my entrance, and then he sunk into me in one deep thrust, his body draping over mine, his arm wrapping around me, pulling me flush against his chest.

He stayed against me like that for a long moment, whispering, "God, so good. You feel so fucking good," as my mind was again full of declarations, expressions of love and need. I'd never felt as close to him.

Then he was moving, pulling out and pushing back in, at first slow and steady, a grunt escaping with each thrust. His hand was on my cock again, stroking me, his mouth on my shoulder, lips open, tongue tasting my skin. I felt my orgasm approaching again, the sensations too much for me to bear, and I urged him to go faster.

"Harder, Jasper. Faster. I told you not to hold anything back. I need more."

His pace immediately picked up, his hand moving more firmly on my cock, each thrust filling me completely, his body slamming into mine. I pushed back against him, meeting his movements with my own, trying to take him deeper, to have him closer still, even though his body was so far inside mine, his thoughts in my head, his emotions consuming me. Then I was coming, my hands shredding the bedding, my teeth sinking into the pillow, my ass spasming around his cock as my release tore through me.

He leaned back, gripping my hips and pounding into me, slamming his body into mine, prolonging my pleasure as his cock thrust inside me again and again, deep and hard and fast, fucking me like I had never been fucked before, until he was crying out, spilling inside me as he came.

He pulled out and collapsed on top of me, his body heavy over mine. My legs sprawled out and we lay there, sated and breathless. I felt something tickling my face and I brushed it away, watching a feather float by. I laughed thinking of the poor pillow I had just chewed apart, remembering the crash of furniture, the damaged walls in the other room.

Jasper rolled off me onto his side, pulling me toward him so we were lying facing each other. A soft smile was on his face. I could feel his contentment, the satisfied post-coital bliss.

"Fuck, that was incredible," I exclaimed with an exhale of my breath. "Will it always be like that?"

"God, I hope so," Jasper said laughing, pulling me closer and burying his face in my shoulder. Eventually, he lifted his head and we stared into each other's eyes. I'm sure I was wearing a goofy grin.

"The eyes are pretty badass," I said, after a while. I still wasn't used to seeing him with that ring of red, and my own were pretty freaky as well. I bet he had been absolutely terrifying when he was all Vampire Army Commander.

Jasper looked shocked before giving a sharp laugh of surprise. Then his mood shifted and I searched his mind for the reason why, finding guilt and shame from the night of my change.

"Oh, no," I admonished. "No. You absolutely do not get to feel guilty about that night. You did exactly as I asked, and to tell you the truth, if you hadn't gotten turned on by drinking my blood, I think I'd be a little insulted." I tried to inject a little levity to keep him from sinking into one of his self-loathing moods.

In a more serious tone I told him, "You have to let that go. I don't want you to have any regrets, any bad feelings about the night you gave me a forever with you." Then I had kissed him, deep and hard, with all the love and longing I felt for him, doing my best to make him forget any reservations he still carried about my change.

Of course it was later that I learned first hand the horrific aspects of red tinged eyes. We were hunting and I caught a scent so powerful, I couldn't resist the pull. All rational thought left me and I took off running, chasing that enticing aroma. I had to have it; nothing was going to keep me from drinking my fill. I could sense something following me and I growled in warning, ready to defend my rightful prey. With a burst of speed, I widened the distance between us, exhilarated by the joy of the hunt.

It was only luck that Jasper knew this part of the terrain so well, knew a passage through the craggy landscape where he could circle around and cut me off from my intended route. He never would have been able to catch me, otherwise. He tackled me to the ground, wrestling with my feral, snarling form, suffering the sharp sting of my teeth as I sought to destroy him. Only his gift was able to penetrate my bloodlust, so crazed was I by the scent and the threat he posed to my meal.

When I finally realized what I was doing, I stilled in horror. His eyes were sorrowful, and full of guilt, and in that instant, he looked his years. I pushed him off me with a hard shove and took off running, needing to escape, needing to distance myself from the creature I had been in those terrifying moments, needing respite from the sad knowing look in Jasper's eyes, as he lay motionless on the ground.

Intellectually, I knew I would have to confront this aspect of my new nature; I had seen Jasper's continued struggles first hand, after all, even after decades of trying to cope. This was the first time, however, that I was faced with the reality of what it meant to crave blood, what it meant to be a vampire. What it meant to be a killer. Because that's what I now was, even if Jasper had stopped me from making the actual kill. I understood that the chances were more than good that there would eventually come a time when I would be overtaken with that craving, when Jasper might not be around to stop me, when I would sink my teeth into human skin and drink until the heart within that body would cease to beat.

I was sickened by the pleasure the thought gave me, by the memory of how alive my body felt as I chased that elusive scent. I understood, in a way I never could have before, all Jasper's self-hate, his guilt and shame over the night he turned me.

Three days passed before I returned home. I hadn't been able to face Jasper. Hadn't wanted him to see the recognition in my eyes of what I had become. I needed time to process and I couldn't bear to cause Jasper any more pain and guilt. There was no question that I had wanted to be turned. I wanted this life with him. I wanted the love and joy and a forever with him. The cost was something I hadn't truly understood, probably couldn't have understood before. Now that I was starting to, it didn't diminish my desire to be with him or my desire for this new existence. If anything, I felt closer to Jasper than ever before.

But it was… difficult. I knew it would probably be years before I'd be able to come to terms with what had happened and may—probably would I corrected, determined to be honest with myself—happen in the future, but I decided that I would accept it. I would learn how to cope. I wouldn't let this part of me define my future or my life with Jasper. He had carried that burden long enough.

His thoughts reached me long before I arrived at the cabin. Unsurprisingly, he was sick with worry, full of guilt, and desperately missing me, wanting to search for me but also wanting to give me the time I needed away, wondering if I would ever be able to forgive him.

He was waiting, standing in the living room watching the door as I entered, having sensed my approach. His relief was palpable. I tried to project love and reassurance as I walked straight to him, embracing him tightly and pouring everything I felt for him into a passionate kiss. Our reunion quickly escalated, desire flaring, and we were naked on the floor reconnecting in the most primal way possible, bodies shuddering against each other in a blaze of heat.

As we lay quietly together afterwards, reveling in soft touches and whispered words of love, my instinct was to keep my thoughts from Jasper, to not let him know how disturbed my mind had been. I realized the inequalities of our gifts. Jasper didn't have the luxury of hiding his thoughts from me; he hadn't even tried. Ever since the day he told me he would never hide anything from me again, he had kept his word. How could we go forward if one of was always keeping things from the other? I made a decision to offer myself fully to him, as he had done to me.

"I know you can't read my mind, but if you ask, I will always tell you what's in my thoughts. I won't ever keep anything from you. And you never have to ask to read my emotions. I want you to always feel free to reach out to me in every way possible."

He searched my face. "Do you want to talk about before? Why you ran?" he asked.

"No, not particularly."

"Then I don't need to know." He kissed me softly on the forehead, running his fingers through my hair, stroking my cheek with his thumb.

"But…" I began.

"Edward, I understand. I do. Besides, I don't think it's healthy for us to be in each other's heads twenty-four hours a day. I know you're still trying to learn how to control your gift, and I don't mind you knowing everything I'm thinking. But the worry, and the missing you aside, I think it was good for us to have some time apart, to have the space to think. We haven't been apart for even a second since you were turned.

"So as long as I know you're coming back," he gave a pained smile, "I think we should work out times when we can have that space. Maybe stop hunting together all the time. What do you think?"

I was relieved. It's not that I didn't want to talk to Jasper about what I had gone through; I just knew it would hurt him. I'd rather wait, until he was more sure of my decision to be turned, more secure in my desire to be with him forever. We could talk about it then, in the future.

He was right that I was still struggling to understand and control my gift. I would never forget those first moments waking up after going through the fire, the incredible agony of so many people in my head, almost as bad, in its own way, as what I had just endured. I thought I would go mad.

Jasper had been at my side every second of the change, using his own gift to do what he could to minimize my pain. I could feel his terror, hear the self-castigation, sure he had made a terrible mistake, that something had gone dreadfully wrong.

I reached out a shaky hand, grabbing his wrist, noticing even through my pain how soft and warm his skin felt. "It wasn't a mistake, Jasper. Don't ever say that," I had gasped out, even though I started screaming seconds later, grabbing my head in agony. Luckily, Carlisle had realized what was happening almost immediately. He hurried everyone out of the house and quickly packed the car, making calls to Alaska to prepare a place for us to stay in isolation while Jasper tried to calm me.

Our route consisted of as many back roads as possible, Jasper making an effort to stay away from highly populated areas. Regardless, the ride was excruciating and I spent most of it huddled in the back seat, my hands around my head, moaning and whimpering in pain. Only when we reached the sparsely populated areas of Alaska was I able to sit up and join Jasper in the front seat.

His worry filled my head and his expression was shadowed when he looked over at me. He reached out his hand to hold mine and squeezed tightly, nodding tersely when I told him, "Everything's going to be okay."

And it had been, for the most part. Jasper and I had been here for almost a year, with occasional forays near town, to test both my control over the blood lust and my ability to filter out the voices in my head. The shape-shifters, surprisingly enough, had been instrumental in the latter skill. They had had more than one pack member who had struggled with their ability to share each other's minds when in wolf form. Sam relayed numerous techniques they had developed to control unwelcome mental intrusions.

Jasper's family—my family now—had made frequent visits, allowing me to test my progress.

I had also had one human visitor: Bella Swan. Of course Jacob frothed at the mouth in protest, but Alice promised to accompany her, so that it would be two against one (Jasper and Alice against me) if I couldn't control myself. He wasn't happy at all with this compromise, but it was out of the question that he come as well.

Controlling myself hadn't been a problem. Nerves were taut and tensions high when she arrived, but when I curled up my nose as she entered the cabin, exclaiming, "Geez, Bella, you stink!" everyone relaxed. She did, though. Jacob must have rubbed himself over every inch of her and every last piece of clothing she wore. Territorial asshole. Interestingly, her mind was completely closed to me. It was a relief to spend time with someone else and only have one set of thoughts in my head.

"How is Fido?" I had asked, once we had a chance to sit down and talk.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Edward. He's not going anywhere; you might as well get used to him being around and at least try and be polite. I think you'd find he's really a great guy if you bothered to take the time to get to know him."

"He was going to let me die!" I said indignantly.

She just cocked her eyebrow and said coolly, "Technically, you are dead."

"Ha. Ha," I retorted, disgruntled. Maybe it was because I was now a vampire and he was a werewolf and we were natural enemies, but I just didn't like the guy. I didn't want to argue with Bella about her choice of boyfriends, however. And I supposed as long as she was happy, I should shut up about it. I quickly moved off the subject of her smelly mate.

We caught up on everyone back in Forks and how school was going for her. I was disappointed I had to drop out, but was looking forward to going back one day. She ran interference with Mike for me, supporting my story that I had found college too difficult to deal with so soon after my parents' deaths and I had decided to take a few years off to travel.

Realizing I would likely never see Mike, or any other of my old friends, again was hard. I knew I had more difficulties ahead in that respect, as I aged and everyone I had ever known would grow old and die, even Bella. I was grateful to Jasper for forcing me to recall every memory I had about my parents, my childhood, my life before the change, and to write every detail down I could, so that I could keep them with me as much as possible. It was a painful exercise, but I knew how much he wished he had more than a few scattered memories of his human life.

After a while, I noticed Bella was looking at me funny.

"What?" I asked. "Is it the eyes? Because I thought the red was pretty much gone."

"It's not that," she said with a little shake of her head.

"Then what? You keep staring at me."

She looked embarrassed and I watched with fascination as a blush traveled across her cheeks. Suddenly, I was very aware of the sound of her heartbeat, the pulse of her blood under her skin. Yes, the stench of dog was overpowering, but I could still smell the delicious sweetness flowing underneath. I felt uncomfortable and wished Jasper was close enough to feel my distress.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I had stopped breathing the moment I realized I was far too aware of the scent of her blood. After taking a moment to calm myself, I felt my confidence returning, knowing that I had myself under control.

"I'm fine. Don't try and change the subject. Why do you keep staring at me?"

"It's just that…"

"What, Bella?"

"Well, you've always been good looking."

"Um, thank you."

"I actually used to have quite the crush on you, a long time ago."

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. "Did you now?"

She was grinning. "I did. Hopeless, really. You were the cutest boy I had ever seen."

I snorted.

"And now…" she continued.

"Yeah?"

"Well, damn, Edward, you're so fucking gorgeous, it's unreal. I can't stop staring at you."

I shot her a cocky look. "Oh, it's real, Bella."

"Asshole," she laughed, throwing a sofa pillow at me.

"I can't wait to talk to Jacob again," I teased.

She shrieked, laughing. "You better not."

Jasper and Alice returned just then, both of them smiling at our obvious fun. Jasper sat down next to me and gave me a gentle kiss on my lips. I practically melted.

"She's right, you know," Jasper said with a soft smile. "You are fucking gorgeous. I can't stop staring at you either."

As if on cue, Bella and Alice looked at each other and reached their fingers up to their mouths to make simultaneous gagging motions.

I smiled remembering that afternoon. It had been full of fun and laughter. I had been sorry to see Bella go. The visit's success, however, made me hopeful for the future. Soon, we'd probably be able to leave the wilds of Alaska.

I loved it here, though. Loved the time Jasper and I had had together, just the two of us. I loved seeing the places he had described that had helped lead him back to me. Loved getting to know Tanya and her sisters. I'd be sorry to go.

As I got closer to the cabin, Jasper's thoughts started drifting from the feeling of his fingers in my hair to the taste of my lips on his. I slowed my speed, enjoying the memories through Jasper's eyes. I saw him reliving the last time we had made love, earlier this morning, his cock buried deep in my ass, my legs wrapped tightly around him as he leaned over, staring into my eyes. So fucking beautiful.

When the cabin appeared through the trees, I saw him imagining what he planned to do to me when I returned—slowly strip off my clothes, lick every inch of my skin, slide his fingers into my body while sucking my cock down his throat. In his mind he'd bring me to the edge again and again until I was begging him to let me come. Then he'd sink his cock slowly into me, stroking me while he fucked me, pumping faster and harder until I was incoherent with pleasure.

A wave of lust hit me like a tsunami when I opened the cabin door. Jasper was on the couch where I had left him, but now he was naked, head tilted back, eyes closed, his hand stroking his hard cock.

I stood there watching him, seeing him thinking about fucking me.

"You were doing that on purpose," I accused.

He didn't look up, but I saw a small smile quirk at the corner of his mouth. The images continued in his head. Me riding him, grinding my ass down on him while I pinched his nipples, his hips thrusting up, burying his cock as deep as it could go.

He opened his eyes as he heard the unmistakable sounds of my clothing being removed. His eyes were dark and intense as he watched me take my own cock, long and hard and slick at the tip, in my hand and stroke it slowly.

"Go on," I urged. "What else would you do?" My voice was husky with desire.

His eyes stayed locked on mine as he imagined me bent over the back of the couch, him kneeling behind me, his hands spreading me open and his tongue tracing the delicate skin around my hole again and again, my opening fluttering in response.

My breathing picked up and my movements became firmer, my thumb sliding the moisture over the head of my cock with every stroke, pressing on the ridge with extra force. I watched as his own hand picked up speed and his legs opened wider, his hips thrusting up into his fist.

"What else?" I asked again, walking closer to him.

Now the image was one of me up against the wall, my chest pressed flat, his body flush against my back. His breath was heavy in my ear as his cock slid slowly in and out, his hand reaching round to stroke my dick.

I walked even closer still so that I was standing between his open legs, staring straight down at his beautiful cock. His eyes broke the lock they had on mine to stare at my own cock, directly in his line of sight.

"What next, Jasper?" I asked softly. "What would you do next?"

His eyes returned to mine and I could feel the tension between us, like an electrical current that popped and crackled, ready to overload the grid in a shower of sparks.

I was bent over the back of the couch again, my hands gripping the edge for leverage as I thrust backwards against him, his body slamming into mine. His hands were tight on my hips, fingers digging into my flesh, holding me steady as he sunk into me again and again. I was reaching down to stroke my cock and then I was coming, thick spurts of white splashing against the back of the sofa, my ass spasming around his cock as I cried out his name.

I heard my own name being called and watched as Jasper's entire body tensed, his hips jerking erratically as the hand working his cock was suddenly slick with his release. He continued to spurt and I was mesmerized seeing his chest and stomach covered with stripes of white. Seeing Jasper come was so hot it triggered my own orgasm, and I cried out, my hand guiding my cock to combine my release with his, painting his flesh with my own streams of cum.

As I shuddered through my final tremors, I felt my knees give out. Jasper caught me, pulling me onto his lap so that I was straddling his thighs. Then our mouths were on each other and we were kissing and kissing and kissing, as if we had been apart for weeks instead of just a few hours.

After breathless moments, I pulled back to drink in the face of my beautiful lover, my heart full of gratitude. How did I ever get so lucky?

"It sounds like you have quite the evening planned," I joked with a smile, shifting my body so he could feel my growing erection. "We better get started."

"Don't worry," Jasper responded with a smile, pushing me down onto the couch and pressing his body into mine. "We have plenty of time."

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Chapter 24 title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2011/01/chapter-24-permanent-tenderness.html)
> 
> Outtake following.


	26. I Wept Not Outtake - After the Batle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little smut outtake set prior to the events of _I Wept Not_ during Jasper’s days in Maria’s army. AU, M/M/F.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This outtake was written as a birthday gift, but never posted to FFn. I wasn't entirely happy with it because I felt it didn't have the emotional resonance I wanted. I had planned to eventually expand it with more of Peter's background and how he came to be in Maria's army. Obviously, that never happened, but I decided to post it here for anyone who might have missed it the first time around. Special thanks, as always, to my wonderful friend and beta, OnTheTurningAway.

JPOV

The fighting was over and the fires burned, plumes of purplish smoke rising into the night. The smell of death lingered in the air as I surveyed the battlefield, my eyes seeking out one soldier in particular. 

He stood with his back to me, his muscles rippling as he hefted the remains of one of our enemies into the fire. I watched for a few minutes, enjoying the movements of his strong shoulders, his graceful actions as he lifted another body and threw it on the pyre, the way his soft brown hair curled slightly at the nape of his neck. I felt a surge of desire and wanted to press up against that smooth, strong back and place my mouth against the back of his neck. I wanted to scrape my teeth across his skin. I felt another wave of desire emanating from someone nearby and turned to find the source. Maria was to my left, also watching Peter with hungry eyes. He truly was beautiful, his pale skin illuminated by the fire.

She caught my eye and a look of understanding passed between us. I would prefer to have Peter for myself tonight; I found his enthusiasm and responsiveness almost addictive, not to mention the hero worship with which he regarded me. However, I was not about to deny Maria when she held Peter’s fate in her hands. He had passed his one year mark some time ago and thus far I had been able to convince Maria of his usefulness. He was a good soldier and quick to learn. He had an uncanny ability to calm the other newborns that came naturally and wasn’t the result of any special gift. More importantly, I enjoyed his company; I wanted him to remain with us permanently.

As if obeying some unspoken signal, Maria and I both moved towards Peter at the same time. I did just as I had imagined moments ago and gripped his shoulders with my hands, pressing my erection against his backside and leaning over to scrape my teeth against the back of his neck. He flung the limb he was holding into the fire, abandoning his task, and moaned as he arched back against me, his hands winding up to bury themselves in my hair. His passionate response shot through me and I panted against him, running my nose over his skin, breathing in his delicious scent. 

Maria had come around to Peter’s front and rubbed her palm over the bulge in his pants as she pulled his head down into a kiss. I felt his hips buck into her hand as he responded to our combined lust.

“I want you to fuck me,” Maria murmured throatily to Peter and he groaned in reaction. I could feel his desire spiraling and I gathered it in, reveling in it as it washed over me, then reflected it back onto my two companions.

I pushed against Peter, guiding him in the direction of my tent and the three of us hurriedly made our way to it, groping and kissing and touching as we stumbled together through the doorway. In minutes we were disrobed, hands and mouths everywhere, ravenous and eager.

Maria had fallen to her knees and took Peter’s cock in her mouth, sucking and licking, while stroking my own hard cock with her hand. I pulled Peter’s face towards mine, plunging my tongue into his mouth and running my hand down his chest to rub my thumb across his nipple. I loved feeling him like this, aroused and lost in pleasure, the small sounds he made in his throat enflaming me.

I dragged my mouth away from his lips over to his jaw and up his neck, licking and sucking as I made my way to his ear, letting him feel my desire for him as I spoke: “I want to watch you fuck her. I want to see that gorgeous cock of yours burying itself deep inside her, fucking her hard. I want to see you slamming into her and slapping her ass and making her scream. She likes it rough…

“Don’t you, Maria?” I asked as I grabbed a handful of her hair, pulling her away from Peter’s cock and jerking her upright. She yelped in surprise and I caught the cry in my mouth as I kissed her roughly, plundering the inside of her mouth with my tongue. She struggled against me, trying to pull her head away from me, but I pressed forward, keeping her head still with my grip on her hair. I moved my mouth down her neck to her shoulder, nipping lightly along her skin then I bit her hard, breaking the skin.

She screamed, struggling against me, raising her arms to hit and scratch at my chest. Her anger was real, but I could feel her lust even stronger and I shared the emotion with Peter, amplifying it so that we all were in a state of heightened excitement.

Peter grabbed her flailing limbs and held them tightly to her sides, pressing his hardness up against her from behind so she was sandwiched between us. He leaned over and licked the bite mark on her neck, running his tongue over and over it, caressing the wound. I felt my dick grow even harder watching him. Maria still struggled, but her body, writhing between us only aroused us further.

“Back on your knees,” I commanded, releasing my hold on her hair and shoving her forcefully to the ground. Peter didn’t hesitate. He gripped her hips and plunged his cock into her with one strong thrust before she had time to brace herself, pushing her forward and causing her elbow to give way. She let out another surprised cry and fell forward again as Peter slammed into her from behind. I grabbed another handful of her hair and lifted her to her hands, lining up her face with my crotch and plunging my cock deep into her throat.

Her anger flared again and I felt her teeth pressing lightly against my length, as a reminder that she still wielded some control. I growled and jerked her head back so she was forced to look up at me and I let her see the warning in my eyes; I would not hesitate to take swift retribution should she dare bite down on me. Her surge of fear sent another pulse of desire through me and I thrust deeply into her mouth again.

I held myself with my hard cock down her throat, her face pressed tightly against my groin. Without the need to breathe, she could stay that way indefinitely, my cock entirely engulfed between her lips. Peter’s hard thrusts forced her face against me again and again and I felt her tongue caressing the underside of my cock and her throat swallowing around me in rhythm to his forceful movements. I watched Peter, his face intense with concentration, his fingers digging into her hips.

He looked up and saw me staring intently at him, my eyes hooded with lust. Remembering my words, he released one hand from its grip on Maria’s hips and slapped her across her ass, watching my reaction. Her entire body jerked in response and she pulled back from me. I gripped the hair at her neck again, shoving her face back against my body, keeping my cock fully sheathed in her mouth. He slapped her again, enjoying the feel of her cunt spasming against him, and then again, hitting her harder each time. I loved feeling her throaty cries against my cock, buried deep in her throat.

He switched hands and administered slaps to her other ass cheek, pulling her hard back against him as she pulled forward as if to escape the blows. His fingers dug back into her flesh as he pounded into her hard and fast. I watched his glorious cock disappearing into her again and again and I matched his movements with my own, fucking her mouth with my cock. Maria reached a hand down between her legs and I knew she was rubbing her clit, the scent of her arousal filling the air.

Peter was staring down watching his cock moving in and out of Maria’s wet opening and I saw his hand release its grip again, this time to rub gently over her buttocks and then between the crack of her ass, his thumb pressing lightly against her puckered opening. I could feel her slight gasp against my cock and I raised my eyes to Peter, seeing him looking directly at me. His gaze was intense. He reached his hand across Maria’s body and placed two fingers against my lower lip. My tongue reached out to caress them, sucking his fingers into my mouth. I swirled my tongue around them, wetting them thoroughly.

He pulled his fingers back and pressed them against Maria again, pushing one deep into her asshole. He kept his finger buried deep within as he continued to fuck her with hard, steady thrusts. Then he slowly slid his finger out, adding another before he pushed them back in. Again he held them there, deep within her ass as he pounded his cock into her.

My own thrusts were starting to become erratic as I watched Peter’s erotic actions. Not wanting to come yet, I pulled out of Maria’s mouth. Her head immediately fell down between her shoulders as she made gasping cries with each of Peter’s thrusts.

“Lie on your back and have her ride you,” I directed Peter and he nodded in agreement, pulling his fingers from Maria’s asshole and his cock from her cunt. It was slick with her juices and I couldn’t resist gripping it in my hand and giving it a firm stroke or two, running my thumb across his slit. His eyes darkened when I brought my hand to my face and licked his wetness from my thumb. I kissed him, letting him taste himself on my tongue, then he grabbed Maria around the waist and pulled her down with him as he moved to the ground.

She straddled his waist and sunk down on his hard cock, letting out a sigh as he filled her. He groaned as she enveloped his length and reached up his hands to caress her breasts, kneading her flesh with his firm grip and squeezing her nipples between his fingers. I watched his enraptured face for a few minutes, loving the sight of his body thrusting up into Maria, her breasts bouncing under his hands. Maria had her hand between her legs again, stroking her clit.

I walked behind them then knelt down between Peter’s spread legs, pushing on Maria’s back so that she was bent forward against Peter’s chest. Peter leaned up on his elbows and I reached over Maria to place my fingers against his lips this time. They parted and he sucked my fingers in, coating them with his venom. I pulled them back and pressed both fingers into Maria’s asshole, sliding them in and out for a minute, watching them disappear deep into her body, before I removed them and replaced them with my cock.

She groaned as I slid into her tight hole and my voice echoed hers as I felt the pressure of Peter’s cock thrusting up inside her against the underside of my cock. It was exquisite. My eyes locked with Peter’s as we moved together, our thrusts pressing against each other through the thin barrier of Maria’s flesh. Maria’s cries were coming faster as she worked her clit and Peter and I picked up our pace, driving into her, hard and deep, reveling in the sensation of our cocks moving together inside of her body. He looked so beautiful, eyes dark with lust, body thrusting upward. Our desire was spiraling out of control.

I felt the contractions of Maria’s body as she started to climax and I magnified her pleasure so that her entire body was shaking. I pulled out of her abruptly and got to my feet, grabbing another handful of hair and pulling her head backwards so that her mouth was open with her gasping cries. I gave my cock a few strokes and then I was coming all over her face, my cum spraying in heavy spurts over her lips, her cheeks, her eyes, as I painted her face with my pleasure. 

I could feel Peter underneath her responding to our cries as his own orgasm rapidly approached. “I want you to come on her face,” I commanded and his eyes reflected understanding as he responded with a surge of lust. I lifted Maria off of him and pushed her to her knees as he quickly got to his feet, holding one of my shoulders to steady himself. It only took one tug on his engorged cock before his cum streamed out of his dick in thick spurts, joining mine all over Maria’s face.

After his shudders stopped, we rubbed the heads of our cocks together, dipping them in our cum and slapping and stroking them across Maria’s face, swirling and mingling our essences together, letting her tongue stroke the heads as we came down from our pleasurable high. Peter dropped to his knees and then his long agile tongue reached out to lick Maria’s face, lapping the cum off her cheeks and her eyelids. He looked amazing, gazing up at me with dark eyes while he filled his mouth with our combined release. 

I pulled him up into a passionate kiss, moaning as I tasted us both on his tongue. Maria rose to join us and her finger swiped across her chin, gathering more cum from her face. She lifted her finger and slid it between Peter’s lips while they were still attached to mine and his tongue reached out to eagerly lick it from her finger. He plunged his tongue back in my mouth before swallowing, sharing his feast with me. We kissed for a few minutes more, our tongues sliding against each other. His hard body felt so good against my own.

Maria was pressed against his back and she reached her arms around his waist to stroke our cocks. “My beautiful boys,” she murmured into his skin. I smiled against Peter’s mouth, feeling her deep satisfaction, knowing that his future with us grew more certain daily.

“Next time you taste cum in my mouth it will be after I’ve licked it out of your asshole,” I whispered huskily in his ear, thrilling to the sound of his groan as a new wave of desire rushed through him.

**Author's Note:**

> [Link to title poem](http://arcadianmaggie.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-wept-not-prologue.html)


End file.
